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View Full Version : OCD and Childhood


schwarzekatze
05-29-2014, 03:52 PM
Hello everyone. I'm new to this board and am trying to make sense of my situation so I can learn to manage my symptoms better. Lately my symptoms have been pretty bad. I have had OCD since I was about 10 years old. I've always second-guessed myself about everything, had a need to be perfect, had the compulsion to check everything over and over again, and had panic attacks when I wasn't able to check something. I don't trust myself to do anything right. I also don't trust other people to do their jobs right, which has led me to obsessively check everything. For example, I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night to check my bank accounts to be sure all is well, worry any time I mail something that it will get lost or I somehow dropped it outside the mailbox, and don't like driving because I'm afraid I'll cause an accident. The symptoms have gotten worse since starting birth control and were especially bad when I was both on birth control and in graduate school.

I know the hormones and stress probably made the symptoms get worse, but how have others in similar situations gotten control of their symptoms?

Also, is it possible that the way I was raised made me have the symptoms I have in the first place?

I ask this because the only time I did not have my OCD symptoms (it felt like heaven) was for the year I was far away from home and only talked to my family on and off. I still had the stress of getting used to a new place, but I didn't have the anxiety I usually have. I didn't have any panic attacks or wake up in the middle of the night to check anything. My mother has always been a bit of a nag, which is normal, but her nagging has stayed the same from the time I was little. Having her think she needs to tell me to wear a coat in the winter, or to close a window when it's raining, or to feed the pets, or simple things like that even now that I'm in my mid-twenties is not only annoying, but it wears away at my self-esteem. Any time I say something to her, it's like she hasn't heard me and criticize me for "not doing it right" if I didn't do it her way. She's also convinced that she was better at everything than I am when she was my age and has let me know that since I was 11. She won't respond to what I have to say, but instead will tell me to do something. I'm left thinking: "Why didn't I think to do that? Why didn't I do that already? Am I doing that right? I can't do anything right." She makes me feel completely inept and inadequate when I interact with her, which is quite often. I wonder if that is part of the reason I have had self esteem and perfectionism issues.

Has anyone else had similar experiences or feel the same way? If so, how do you deal with that inner voice that keeps nagging you and telling you you're inadequate?

Sorry for the length of this post--I had some stuff to get out. Thank you for your comments and suggestions!