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Carol3 12-06-2006 04:35 PM

Could someone please help explain to me what aspergers is? It has been suggested to me that my boyfriend (aged 45) might have aspergers. He does have ms but I have always felt there was something else, possibly adhd. I am trying to find out about these things. If someone could suggest a good website, that would be useful. So far I haven't got very far with google.

willowthewisp 12-07-2006 01:59 PM

Re: Aspergers
Hi, i am not a dr or nurse so cant give you medical advice , but i do have an autistic teenager so have real life experience. . From what i have learnt Aspergers is where a person has Autism but they are high functioning. I.E. can live a normal life, cope with more situations etc. But they do have the autistic traits and problems, just not in such a severe form. I felt my child had Aspergers as she is intelligent, is very clever in her Education, does many things all other kids do but she has many many rituals and routines she has to do, thats when we know she is autistic. When she was diagnosed though they said she has Autism, not Aspergers. She can be real naughty but not understand the consequences. Will get bullied but not even realise she is being bullied. Aspergers as far as i know is a milder form of Autism, but someone on here with medical experience may be able to tell you more accurately.

GatsbyLuvr1920 12-07-2006 02:40 PM

Re: Aspergers
As willowthewisp said, Asperger's is a form of high-functioning autism. The biggest difference is that Aspies are very profound in their language abilities and often were hyperlexic as a young child, speaking and reading very early. (For example, I said my first word at six months, was using complete sentences well before 18 months, and taught myself how to read at age four.) Like autism, Asperger's is characterized by deficits in social skills and the reading of nonverbal cues. We Aspies are often seen by others as eccentric or geeky. This comes from the fact that we tend to have obsessive fixations in an area of specific interest and we like to ramble on about these interests at length. Aspies also usually have extraordinary memories for facts and dates, adding to our ability to learn all about our "special interests." We also tend to be very literal and detail-oriented in our thinking, pedantic and "professor-ish" in our manner of speaking, and clumsy. If you have any specific questions, feel free to ask! :angel:

cheer up 12-08-2006 01:39 PM

Re: Aspergers
Dear Gatsby Luvr -- Since you say you have Asperger's yourself, can you answer a couple of questions?

I am 99.9% certain a grown man I am involved with has AS, and his family knows and admits there has always been something different about him, but if they know it's AS they do not own up to it. Whatever it is, it's something related to the autism spectrum.

He and I have been dating for months now, and what I read on some message boards from partners of those with AS is that the partners feel disregarded, ignored, not talked to or understood often if at all. They feel totally alone in their relationships even with the AS person right there with them.

This is what I am experiencing and putting that into the mix with all the rest of the AS "signs" exhibited, I'm sure this is the situation in my boyfriend's case.

Anyhow, here's my big question -- even if people with AS do not or cannot express themselves well in conversation (though they are really bright) and seem emotionally UNinvolved with their closest ties, [U]what is really in their minds?[/U]

I am considering whether to break things off with this man or not because, as others on the message boards have shared, it is not fun being in a relationship all by yourself. If I do break it off, will this man even NOTICE? Will he CARE and/or feel HURT in any way? Is his inability to connect well something he can't help at all or could he actually work on it and change a bit? Sometimes I see glimmers of hope, but then he goes back to his old ways.

I believe he is happy with me and I do like him, but I can't see myself continuing in something other than a casual friendship -- I just don't want to hurt him by suggesting we back off and behave as friends and see each other occasionally instead of every weekend.

He had serious alcohol problems in college and afterwards, and I truly think that was caused partly because the alcohol made him "fit in" better and made it easier for him to socialize and it got out of control. He had a horrible time of it per his family, and thank God got past it through family, friends and AA.

I sure don't want to put him into a tailspin now because he has been sober for many years, supposedly, and I have no reason to doubt that. So my question is, how much real "feeling" is inside that head of his and will I devastate him if I end the relationship as it currently stands? Or will he even really notice or care? If he is incapable of real emotion, what difference will it make.

Thanks -- you seem to have your life really together and I do think women, even with AS, probably handle everything better and make improvements because women in general are more in tune with their feelings and those of others.

iyami 12-09-2006 08:12 PM

Re: Aspergers
my boyfreind, i have asked him alot of times how he can stand dealing with me as a girlfreind
im clumsy, im forgetful, i freak out sometimes, i often cant say what i mean, i dont always make eye contact even with him, i dont like beng touched
(its not like i wont kiss him or sit n his lap watchinga movie or osmething, i just know distance myself more than most people would)

ive known i had all of tehse problems sense i was much younger, and i rember asking him how he could deal with it when i was 14 (weve been a couple for a long time)

he just pet my head and said "shh" and that even if we get frustrated or he feels neglected sometimes, im more important to him than anything.

he still says that if i ask <3

the thing is, even if i dont show it, i love him to peices, i absolutley adore him, i wish i could show it the way nromal people do, but i cant, so i do make sure to atleast Tell him "i love you" often
sometimes i really do feel detatched, but often i just cnat show my feelings

oh and, i draw for him, alot, every time i draw for him hes always so happy, becuase im good with hswing emotionin art and he spazzes over how .. much it is? i dont know how to explain, sorry

but i defitnily cant give you specific relationship advice,
but you shouldnt stay iwth him Just to keep him form doing something stupid, ive dated enough guys to know thats a waste of time and its as unfair to him as yourself.

if you stay with him it should be becuase you like him enough to be patient with him and work things out

i do have to add, ADHD doesnt exist,
dont get me wrong, the peopel labled as ADHD most often DO have real problems, but ADHD is just what certain docters and shrinks will lable anything misc. like ocd.

the medicine "works" ebcuase its a mind-altering drug, how could it not work?
but its not nessisarilly safe or healthy, its usually just a scam to "help the economy" (ive done my research on this so much.)

i mean kids with "ADD" usually are either highly inetelgent and inquisative, or so stuffed with sugar thats its practically abuse.

they are now talking about drugging 2 and 3 year olds, who are "hyperactive", kids are naturlaly energetic and ask alot of questions, i dont understand who could want to drug them for that.
what they wont always tell you, some of the drug side effects really are depression and suisidal thoughts and more, ive had freinds who delt with those side effects and were hospitalized.

i think its a good idea to have him tested for Aspergers, but please please for your own health dont listen to anyoen who says you or your loved ones has ADHD, it really breaks my heart when people get the wrong information and could be hurting themselves.

GatsbyLuvr1920 12-10-2006 06:07 AM

Re: Aspergers
cheer up- I am certainly not the one to ask about relationships because this is the realm of social activities where my social awkwardness shines. (I'm not horribly socially awkward when it comes to making acquaintances, but I have never had a boyfriend; actually, I've never even been asked out on a date. I just don't understand it.) iyami has obviously had more experience with dating than I have, which just proves that every Aspie is different. However, I can help you with the "lack of emotion." Contrary to popular belief, Asperger's is an inability to properly [I]express[/I] emotions, not to [I]feel[/I] said emotions. I'm sure your boyfriend would care (and especially notice) if you broke up with him, but his reaction to it may not be what is expected. It's just a very big, incorrect stereotype that Aspies are these stone walls that are callous and unfeeling. We would NEVER deliberately want to hurt somebody's feelings; it's the fact that we sometimes cannot understand how our comments/actions are rude that makes people think that. I wish you the best of luck with your situation. I have no idea what to do about it, and I'm sorry that I can't be of more help. I just wanted to let you know that your boyfriend has feelings just like everybody else- he just has a different response to environmental stimuli. Good luck, and God bless! :angel:

cheer up 12-11-2006 07:40 PM

Re: Aspergers
Great responses and thanks to both Iyami and GatsbyLuvr!!!!

It is so good to know that those with AS most definitely [I]have[/I] feelings; and that it's just relating them appropriately that gets difficult. Since I am not overly sensitive or needy when it comes to hearing how much someone likes me or if they are having a good time, etc., I am fine knowing the feelings are there, yet usually unspoken.

I am very certain my boyfriend is happy and having the time of his life with me -- he is very smart and has lots of nice qualities -- and I can get my chit-chat needs and the like met from plenty of other people. He is affectionate and kind and has never been mean at all. I think I'll keep him around awhile!

Thanks again. And to GatsbyLuvr -- I'm sure there are plenty of nice guys out there who would love to go out with you. Try putting yourself out there where there are people in general, not just men, and it helps if wherever you go has something to do with your own interests, like taking a class or just hanging out at the local coffee house on occasion. Just be yourself and I'm sure you will meet someone nice.

GatsbyLuvr1920 12-11-2006 08:51 PM

Re: Aspergers
Thanks, cheer up! And I believe it is the fact that I DO act like myself that drives guys away- they're turned off by my eccentricities. Oh, well. Their loss. :rolleyes: I know that I'm going to end up with either another Aspie or somebody who is very Aspie-ish. It would be nice to have a boyfriend, but I'm in no hurry to do so. Like I said, the whole act of dating/flirting/etc is completely alien to me. Good luck with your boyfriend! :angel:

cheer up 12-12-2006 12:26 PM

Re: Aspergers
I've known plenty of people who have eccentricities, and they don't fall into any psych or other categories.

Meeting others and dating is a numbers game -- the more people you meet, the more likely you are to find someone to spend time with, one-on-one. And women can introduce you to men, too, so don't discount women friends as a source, if you are interested in getting dates.

I'm no expert at flirting, either, and never have been. Eventually a certain number of people will like us all, and others won't. As you say, their loss if they are not interested. In truth, though, we don't always like everyone, either!

You sound like a great person, fun and smart, and if you really want to get into dating, you will; you have to want it, though -- and be very open to it. Aspie, non-Aspie, it makes no difference. Plenty of people without any syndromes are with people who have them and with a little patience, it can work out just fine.

9CatMom 12-12-2006 07:20 PM

Re: Aspergers
Gatsby and Cheer Up,

I have a lot of the same concerns. Someone would have to be very patient with me and love cats as much as I do. I don't think there is a long line for a 42 year old woman with an odd fascination for Roger Bannister and who enthuses about her cats as much as some people do about their children. I don't know if I could rearrange my whole life for somebody else. I have a life I have become quite comfortable with.

I am also concerned about any future children. Between my age and suspected Asperger's, I wonder if it would be fair to bring children into the world. I wouldn't love them any less, but would they someday come to me and tell me they don't like being alive because of their differences? The thought breaks my heart.

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