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Asperger's Syndrome Message Board

Please help !!!


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Old 05-06-2014, 02:28 PM   #1
FuryanGoddess
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Please help !!!

I used to come to these boards a lot time ago, when my son was first dx 10 yrs ago. He is now 14 and is just not doing well in school. He will NOT do his homework. He is disruptive and thinks the world revolves around what he wants to do. He is failing a lot of his classes. This has been going on for a few yrs now.

He is always a habitual lair. He will tell me what I want to hear or thinks I want to hear.. or just flat out lies to my face all the time about EVERYTHING. I tell him he gets in more trouble for doing that than coming clean.

He is not a bad kid. These are the major issues I have w/ him.

Help me get through to him. Help me make him realize that this is important. I'm thinking about holding him back or doing cyber school. He will be going up to high school next year. He's now in 8th.

I feel like a huge failure.. and I'm just so lost as to what to do. Help! And no bashing me. I don't need it and frankly, I don't think I could handle it right now. I love my son. I just don't like the middle school years so far

 
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Old 05-07-2014, 02:32 AM   #2
JaneSJ
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Re: Please help !!!

Hi,
I'm sorry I have no help to offer you but I can relate to your frustrations. My son is 8 years old. He gets 1 piece of maths homework and 1 English a week, maths we have no problems with the English ruins our weekend, it takes him about 3 hrs for something that should take 10 mins and in addition to that we have the work sent home that he refuses to do at school, always the English work! We are trying to get him to understand that he needs to do it, even if he feels it's irrelevant but we have drawn a blank, however my son is exceeding his age rated targets but I think that poses more of a problem because I feel that as everyone sees him as doing ok, he doesn't get the support he needs and isn't achieving his potential.
A problem we are encountering at home at the moment is his version of the truth, he also lies about stupid things and like you I have explained that he will be in more trouble for not telling the truth. I actually think my son believes his version of events though so when he is accused of making things up or telling us what we want to hear he blows up at us. I also feel like a complete and utter failure as a parent. I am dreading the teen years and I just don't know what to do. His paed keeps suggesting that I stop working so much, I work 4 days a week but I just can't afford to do any less. I hope things improve for you and I will follow your journey with interest x

 
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Old 09-04-2014, 11:53 PM   #3
Jake724
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Re: Please help !!!

For years my son as I thought lied like mad and would become increasingly upset and angry if I questioned him or showed my disbelief. It was only years later that I realised that sometimes just changing how I worded things helped massively. Aspie children are very black and white and unless you say things in the right order or exactly as they see the version of events they will misunderstand you leading to major meltdowns. My only advice would be to try listen and be clear on your instructions. Saying things like be good doesn't help becos this is not clear on what you expect of your child if this makes sense. I have to individually tell my son what I expect him to do and not do. Time consuming and hard I know in an already tireing situation but it helped me and. Hoe it does yu also. With regards to home work I made it part of my sons daily schedule. Each week I would write down the time each day we would do homework so he was prepared well n advance. I would then sit in a quiet room no distractions and help with home work having a ten minute break in between for a drink then back to homework. Once completed my sons reward me and him would play his favourite xbox game for 20 mins. I know each child is different and what works for some doesn't for others I just hope this helps you

 
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Old 12-20-2014, 05:31 AM   #4
karlee1010
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Re: Please help !!!

Hi. I came to this board, and the autism one because yesterday my best friends baby was diagnosed with asperger's. I can't believe you'd have to post asking for help, and to please not bash you on the same post. I'm very sorry for that, that's horrible. People that bash are miserable inside. They have to put someone else down to feel better about themself. Anyways, of course your son is not horrible! Being 14 and being "normal" (really, theres no such thing) is already too much for many of us! I myself, do not have asperger's, but, still find myself relating to more than half the symptoms. We all have qwerks in this world. Noone really is normal anymore anyways. Anyway, I can't help you with info. or advice, you know much more than I do on this topic. I'm sharing to support you. In fact, we all have times that we struggle too. I know I sure do. I'll pray for you and your son. I don't know if you believe in God or not, but I do. I had a baby son that died of SIDS. Without God to lean on, I'd be crazier than I am now. Haha. I'm not really crazy, but, it is good to try and have a sense of humor. Without that too, sometimes life would just plain be too much to handle I think. I hope the very best for all of you who shared here. For your precious children too, of course! How lucky these children are to have parents that truly love them, like all of you. Please keep supporting each other here. I believe that as much as they need YOU for parents, YOU all need each other to remember that none of you are alone. Thank you for letting me share here.

 
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Old 09-10-2015, 06:34 AM   #5
2nosy
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Re: Please help !!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FuryanGoddess View Post
I used to come to these boards a lot time ago, when my son was first dx 10 yrs ago. He is now 14 and is just not doing well in school. He will NOT do his homework. He is disruptive and thinks the world revolves around what he wants to do. He is failing a lot of his classes. This has been going on for a few yrs now.

He is always a habitual lair. He will tell me what I want to hear or thinks I want to hear.. or just flat out lies to my face all the time about EVERYTHING. I tell him he gets in more trouble for doing that than coming clean.

He is not a bad kid. These are the major issues I have w/ him.

Help me get through to him. Help me make him realize that this is important. I'm thinking about holding him back or doing cyber school. He will be going up to high school next year. He's now in 8th.

I feel like a huge failure.. and I'm just so lost as to what to do. Help! And no bashing me. I don't need it and frankly, I don't think I could handle it right now. I love my son. I just don't like the middle school years so far
Children with Aspergers usually aren't known for being disruptive. They are known for having meltdowns, but that's when they are frustrated about something. Children with Aspergers are usually very quiet or socially awkward, so they are viewed as strange, but most often these kids are totally ignored by their peers. I know children with Autism can be considered disruptive. Now they have merged Aspergers and Autism together, which we all probably know. Some adults I know who have Aspergers refuse to honor this change because they don't understand it, and think it was just somebody's bright idea. I personally think it was a mistake to make Aspergers and Autism the same diagnosis because they are not the same, and in many ways, they are opposites.
As far as your son not doing his homework, I personally would have to be there to observe him, how he interacts with teachers and peers, and even see how he interacts with you, and if not, really get daily reports on how things are at home.
It could be that your son does not understand his homework, has dyslexia, or may even not be able to read. You might think it would have been detected by now, but some people are expert concealers when it comes to reading and such. Maybe a tutor or skills trainer would help. I'm not sure how he would feel about having a skills trainer with him in high school, it may make it worse. I do know that oftentimes children do so much better with a third party adult such as a tutor when it comes to these types of situations. They will work better with a tutor than with mom. It doesn't mean you are not a good mom or he prefers someone else. I can't explain it much, but I know it works. I can't make any guarantees of course, but it may be worth it to try. Some schools have afterschool programs. I know these things cost money, but if he has a disability, he should be eligible for a skills trainer or someone to help him after school even. It might take some time and patience, but it might work.
One more thing I want to say is this could be a way for your son to get lots of your attention. I could be totally wrong, but if this is his motive, he's doing a good job.
Also, you may need to back off a little? Give him some space? What you're doing may be well-intended, but mom may be overdoing it. I'm sure you know we Aspies need our space. We don't like to be crowded, we don't like crowds, and we tend to spend lots of time alone because we are not comfortable with people. Being in school all day is a great challenge for us, then to come home and be well...approached every single day by someone who wants to fix us, see us in her own image, lecture us about the same thing for (hour?). I would tune her out too. This could be for any kid. They will tune you out or at least seem to, but one old theory I used to hear was that although children don't seem to be listening to their parents, they in fact are listening. They hear every word you say. They just don't let on. It's just the way kids are.
And they will ignore you. I remember our mother would call us to dinner several times. We would just keep watching T.V. Then she would say, "Don't come when you get good and ready, come now." That's when we got up and went to our food. Maybe we realized we were hungry, and she actually had a point. I know this is getting a little off track from your original topic which is your son doing his homework, but it's all relative.
I also know it can be very difficult to get a child to tell you what's bugging them or the real reason they won't do what you expect. Sometimes they don't know themselves, or they somehow feel responsible if something bad is happening to them perhaps at school.
One last thing I learned in family resources/life cycles: Boys are very different than girls in one particular way many people don't know or understand. It's communication, and of course, there are exceptions to every rule. The theory I'm referring to is that girls are more direct. You can sit down and talk to them face to face. Now it may be something too embarrassing or maybe she feels defensive, or she's the exception. Now for boys, it is said that it is much easier to talk with them while doing an activity such as fishing or shooting hoops. Shooting hoops takes more energy, so it may be harder for them to concentrate on what you are saying, but I think you get my idea. It's easier to talk with boys while doing an activity, while it's easier to sit and talk with a girl face to face. You might want to think of a simple activity, and do it with your son when he isn't feeling defensive, and try talking to him that way. You might get more out of him if you don't push too hard.
Also, you may try laying...off I mean away...for a while, and see if he loosens up around there. Take the attention off of him. Nobody likes to be singled out. And remember you have a life too. Maybe you could use some recreation. If you divert your attention away from him, he may come looking for it. ["Hey, where did all my attention go?"]
One last thing, if I haven't managed to annoy you totally. There are support or rap groups for Asperteens. There's noting like going to a group with your peers who know exactly how it is or have their own personally experiences with Aspergers. Sometimes, these are the only friends they have or it is a great way for children who have such a hard time making friends at school to get out and meet some young people who have the same problem. Of course, you would want to check into it to make sure it is legitimate, and even go with him and sit in another room close by perhaps with other parents also incase he feels he's not ready for this and wants to leave. I'm sure you know these precautions as a parent, and maybe you have already tried this. I just want to mention precautions because I'm making this post, and I feel it's my responsibility to make it as complete as possible.

Good luck.

Last edited by 2nosy; 09-10-2015 at 06:50 AM.

 
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