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Aspergers or just odd?


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Old 12-04-2014, 11:36 AM   #1
acespades
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Aspergers or just odd?

Okay, so I am a 21 year old female. I have been previously diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. I am currently not seeing any professionals due to money issues and the fact that I work a night job. I keep feeling like my social anxiety and depression are because of some underlying problem. I've tried to ask family, and it gets pushed aside, and I talk to my roommate (39) but she doesn't really understand and I think she's starting to feel like she has to take care of me.

I have taken a few online Asperger's tests and have scored high on all of them (scored a 36). But I don't want to assume I have Asperger's because they say you're born with it but I feel like it's only affecting me NOW in adulthood. It's a struggle and I am very overwhelmed by day to day activities and I cannot seem to keep friends anymore because I feel like an alien to them. I took the online symptoms and I'll explain where I feel I fit with each. I'm sorry if this is really long, I just need some outside input.

• Problems with social skills: I have a hard time knowing when it's my turn to say something so I just say nothing. I used to be loud and outgoing as a child but was told I was rude/honest and people thought that it was funny so I played up to that as a kid. Now I am known as the 'silent' girl, some people didn't even know I could speak before I say hi. People think I stare a lot, or look like I'm really mad or really high, when in reality I'm just looking around. I don't know how to comfort friends or make other's feel better. It's hard to understand people's motives and I find myself asking my roommate what people mean or why they act the way they do. I study astrology and psychology constantly and use those to figure people out. I'll find myself saying stuff like. "She's acting this way because that's the way Libra's see things." or "Well that explains why they are a Pisces, they are always doing that."

• Eccentric or repetitive behaviors: I rock back and forth when I'm sitting, I have had people notice and giggle at me, and I wring my hands a lot. I also have TMJ (jaw pain and issues, which is from stress, go figure) so I rub the right side of my face where my ear is between two of my fingers, and I'll do that constantly. I hold my breath sometimes and let it out on short intervals through my nose to relax myself. I wiggle my toes when I sleep too. I also have a nail biting problem that I'm trying to get rid of.

• Unusual preoccupations or rituals: I don't think my rituals are unusual, as a girl, I put on my makeup the same everyday (girls do that right?) Putting clothes on the same way everyday (just makes sense, pants before shirt, socks, shoes???) I wash dishes as I cook, I refuse to let them sit in the sink. I don't like plans to change and I sometimes freak out and cancel or fake sick if I don't want to go out (usually crowded places exhaust me). I like routine. I plan dinner when I wake up, sometimes days in advance if its a new recipe and I like eating pancakes and sausage every day.

• Communication difficulties: As a kid my mom told me I was mean and that I wasn't empathetic, and that hurt me because I really wanted to be. I try to be really empathetic but I think people think I'm fake or trying to hard, and I am trying a lot, I wish it came natural. I sometimes avoid eye contact, but I read that that's how people know you're honest so I started trying to make more eye contact hoping it would help and now I think I creep people out! I find them looking away from my eyes because I forget to look away or blink or something. I also exaggerate a lot of my expressions because people used to tell me that I looked mad or sad all the time or like I wasn't really into their conversation. I get confused when someone's joking with me, I think they are being mean or trying to hurt my feelings. Like one time someone asked if I went trick-or-treating (I am a short person, only 5ft) and if I dressed up like a kid. He was just being funny and telling me I could have gotten a lot of candy, no one would know the difference. I thought he was making fun of me and I got my feelings hurt until my roommate explained to me he was just joking around because he has a crush on me. I also don't understand when someone is flirting or when I'm supposedly flirting. I am a virgin currently with no past romantic experience AT ALL not even kissing, because all of it confuses me.

• Limited range of interests: I am really into serial killers, and I can name all of them, how many victims. It's a huge interest to me to see how they tick. I also love superheroes, and comic books and will talk endlessly about theories and when someone who says they are interested in them doesn't want to talk extensively I wonder if they are a real fan or not. I will obsess for a month over something and them change to a new topic, but I still like the old topic I just compartmentalize all of them and cycle through them over periods of time. I will watch a movie and obsess over it and the characters and start imitating my favorite character by accident. But it makes me more outgoing when I copy movie characters. I use that to see how girls are supposed to be. But sometimes I imitate the boy characters too because it helps me branch out. People say I'm good at impressions and cartoon voices too. I do a lot of it in roleplaying games, or roleplaying blogs where we write stories with the characters.

I also get 'obsessed' with someone if I have a crush (which is rare). I will basically only think of them for anything that deals with attraction (even if I just meet them) I will relate love songs, movie scenarios/characters, my own imagination to them and its like I have a relationship going just in my head. I will text them a lot, more than I should probably. Sometimes I'm bad about boundaries if given a chance (ie; if he's already taken I still try to get him to date me). But being in an actual relationship scares me and I think ill be bad at it.

• Coordination problems: I am so clumsy it's painful. I trip a lot, spill a lot of stuff. I try to carry 3 things and I drop them ALL, every time! I have bad posture and I hunch a lot. I also have inward facing feet. Back problems and neck problems.

• Skilled or talented: I can play piano by ear. I can listen to a song and know the words and music immediately. I also see and hear music EVERYWHERE (is that weird?) I'll listen to the wind and my footsteps and start making up a song in my head based on the beats and sounds. I also LOVE writing, I have been told a lot that I am an excellent writer and that I should use that to express myself since I can't verbally. I am a great speller, and I can sound out a word and spell it right the first time and it surprises me a lot of the time. I was hyperlexic as a kid, I knew my alphabet very early on. I also am good at knowing what words mean by breaking them down to prefix and suffix. I also love computers and making websites, blogs and I RP (roleplay) occasionally online to write with other people and to make cool sites and blogs to look at.

Okay there's some of the stuff and if you guys need to know anything else about me to help me out, please let me know I am struggling here and I have had too many breakdowns lately over just being overwhelmed. I want to fit in, but I want to be myself and I feel like I can't do both!!!! HELP!?

 
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Old 12-04-2014, 12:06 PM   #2
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Re: Aspergers or just odd?

Certainly these traits you describe do sound to me to be consistent with Autism. It is a huge spectrum with Aspergers being included in that. Having said that I think if any of us analysis ourselves deeply we will all find some Autistic tendencies. I know I have some! I guess you need to consult with medical professionals for a diagnosis. Of course there is no cure for Autism but if you are aware that you have it, it would help you make sense of the way you interact with the world.

 
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Old 12-04-2014, 08:00 PM   #3
acespades
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Re: Aspergers or just odd?

I was debating seeing a doctor, but a few other Aspies told me self awareness would be enough, since a diagnosis can hinder my chances and opportunities due to the stigma of being diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder, I don't know how true that is, I've never heard of people being turned away from jobs due to it.

 
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:01 AM   #4
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Re: Aspergers or just odd?

I think that's a fair point considering a diagnosis wouldn't equal a cure. OK you're a bit different but that doesn't mean you're "odd". It would be a boring world if we were all the same. Embrace your individuality.

 
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