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Tired...How to handle another parents responsibilities

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Old 01-13-2005, 09:47 AM   #1
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Tired...How to handle another parents responsibilities

HI everyone, I got a few minutes before i take my toddler to preschool and I wanted to get some advice from you all. Some of you know that I have a child with autism, he is 7 and another little boy who is 4. IT is a big responsibility taking care of them and I do my best. IT is hard for me because I dont get any help from my family and I spend about all my time with my boys. Last May, a neighbor that I really dont know moved his girlfriend in, who has a ten yr old son and a 3yr old little boy. Both of the boys have ADHD and some behaviorial issues. I am understanding of this because my own child has a disability. There arent many kids out here in the country, so I figured it would be fine for them to play here through out the summer, I put a swimmming pool, we have a trampoline and other toys, the boys would come here to play. The oldest lives with his dad, so he only comes a few times a year, but he is pretty mature for his age and likes to help out and I pay him when I have money. The other one, lives with his mom, who is living with my neighbor, her boyfriend. They are alittle older, in their thirties. I like his mom, usually, but I feel she is taking advantage of me. Her 3yr old son comes to my house early morning and eat breakfast with us and likes to play here. He does not like to go home, he wants to play with the kids. He is a cute little guy, but he has some behaviorial issues and can be very aggressive and throw tempertantrums. I have helped her out, without pay, because she does have it hard. I would take her son to school or pick him up with my little boy who is in preschool too.HE spent just about everyday here over the summer, including after school throughout the school year. He comes early morning alot and stays till nighttime. I didnt mind as long as the kids are happy playing. However again, I wondered how she never checks up on him. He is still a toddler, I feel she is pushing him off on me. How can a mother of a child so young not check up on him or not feel guilty about letting him run all over with no supervision?I send him home, he comes right back. There is danger out here, and lots of older people who are picky about their homes and yards too. Mine know the rules, hers dont. They have no supervision except from me alot of times. Her little boy plays around ponds, he climbs the fences to get in and he messes with our neighbors horses across the road, throws trash in there and they have a hot wired fence around those horses. I have to keep him out of trouble, he will get hurt if nobody watches him. He rides his bike in the road, without supervision, plays on other peoples prpperty without permission.My son has gotten into some trouble from taking off with him without permission, some of the neighbors feel it is okay to yell at me because of her kid. Im like..people this is not my kid but they feel more compfortable telling me than her, maybe becaues her boyfriend is a big guy who has had a couple of run ins with the law. Neither of them pay any attention to that little boy, so i read him books and stuff, he says mom or bill never read to him or play with him .I feel sorry for him, but he cant stay here all the time because I have my hands full, and can you imagine the chaos here when he arrives. The house gets trashed, I have to feed him, take care of him, the whole time, help him potty, find his toys or clothes he takes off, put up with his tantrums, and take him home. His mom tells him to come here even at night, then I end up walking him home in the dark, she never comes for him, to make sure he gets home safe. This kid knows nothing about traffic, what to look for or where he should be riding his bike. Yesterday, he punched my oldest son in the face for giving him a hug . I mean this kid is strong and this is not the first time he has been aggressive. I know kids hit, but he hits anytime something doesnt go his way. He throws fits and hits the kids, and it has taken along time to teach my own a more appropriate way to handle their frustration. My son use to be very aggressive and now knows not to hit. I try to teach this little boy the same thing, but I guess, in his house things are different. His mom has told me she has a bad temper and he gets that from her. Anyhoo, I try locking my door to keep him out sometiems, he kicks our door, gets in our waterhose,mailbox,messes with our vehicles, plays in our yard or where ever he wants, when I tell him the kids are not getting any company. We tell her this,but it doesnt change anything.I tell him to go home and he screams and cries. Im frustrated with his mom, if she doesnt want to take care of him, then she needs to find somebody in her family who will. I am a young mom myself, 26, I take care of my kids and it is stressful for me to do it alone. She is older and has one child....I wouldnt send my kids to her house to take care, because she doesnt even take care of her own.They have a big four foot pool too and I know my kids would just love that. Other than that, we get along, I like her okay, but this has got to stop.How should I handle this without losing my cool with her or her getting upset with me?She knows what she is doing...she is taking advantage of me and undermining what I have expressed to her before. I have never had to deal with something like this before....sorry so long, but I dont know who else to ask. Thanks so much for any help.

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Old 01-13-2005, 10:11 AM   #2
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Re: Tired...How to handle another parents responsibilities

Have you considered calling Social Services on her? She is neglecting her son by letting him play outside by himself knowing that he crosses the street alone and is playing near ponds. I guess that you could tell her that her son can only come over if you invite him and if she physically brings him over and picks him up at a agreed upon time. If she doesnt follow your rules then he cant come over. She is using your good heart to take advantage of you.

Last edited by Joey'smom; 01-13-2005 at 10:11 AM.

Old 01-13-2005, 02:13 PM   #3
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Re: Tired...How to handle another parents responsibilities

If TELLING her in person is too difficult, write her a letter. A non judgmental letter, asking if there is something wrong, without necessarily expressing your consern. I think that the less threatening you come off, the better. You never know what is going on over there??? There could be some reason why it has become easier for her to just let him go over to your house.
It sounds like she doesn't have the best boundaries in the world, nor is shr the most thoughtful. BUT, to play devils advocate, sometimes people who are not TOLD what needs to be done, won't do it. I am not trying to justify her actions, but not everyone thinks the way that you or I may. . .regarding ASKING permission for child to come over (I have a ten year old who has random drop by friends all the time.. .I had to turn them away a few times before they learned that they needed to CALL first. . I HATE to turn them away, but I can't allow my home to turn into pre-teen central at 8 in the morning!. . I have been in my skivies before, not cool) You can just ask her to have him call first. This will PREVENT him from coming unexpectedly. THEN, if she is still allowing him to come over, (or simply not keeping an eye on him), call her. Tell her that now is NOT a good time for him to be there. Throw one of your neighbors under the bus, if you have to. .
example: Jr shows up after being told he couldn't, or mom not paying attention, and you tell him to his face, he cannot. Jr then procedes to torture your car. . .you call mom and say, he's eating my bumper, come get your kid, or say that you had jsut received a call from aneighbor who lit into youabout HEr kid. . . that you think she should come get him. OR, you open the door and tell jr, "listen, if you would liketo come over here tomorrow, or when the time is, then i suggest you refrain from doing that . . .. . .if you won't stop, i will have to tell your mom that you aren't allowed to come over anymore" nicely. .. you know? Sounds like he needs a little structure, and someone to be firm with him. . ..
If it continues, and mom isn't clueing in. . .doesnt SEE how strange it is that she is letting him run the roads that late, or without supervision, oumaybe you should open up a conversation about what you ARE willing to do, and make the offer, and say that anything above and beyond that is simply too much. . . . .. If you have nothing more to offer, just end the relationship. It sounds like she is just one of those people who doesn't get it, or chooses not to, as it benefits her GREATLY to pretend lke she doesnt see.
Either way. . .. . .
you are the one in control here. . .. . You may feel overwhelmed, but you can make the choice to end the torment. . .I know it's hard to be firm like that. . .it sucks, really. But put that aside, if not for you, or your kids, then for HIM. He is gaining nothing by mom not being held accountable to her child. . .. .

Again, maybe she has been having a hard time, and just needs to be called and asked if everything is ok? Feel her out. . .you should be able to get abetter understanding about what the situation is like over there. . ..

Good luck, and stick to your guns!
You CAN be firm, AND nice!

Old 01-13-2005, 03:01 PM   #4
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Re: Tired...How to handle another parents responsibilities

Thank you so much, Rowans mom, I laughed at your post, it was funny, but your right, I have been alittle emotional lately and didnt want to do something I would regret later. I do think one day she is going to get social services called on her if she doesnt start being more responsible. I know its hard for her, but that little guy needs her. Thanks Joeys mom for helping too. I have a hard time speaking up about issues that are personal like this. I want to be the good person who is generous and will help out the next without anything in return, but I have my limits too. Thanks so much girls!

Old 01-13-2005, 10:10 PM   #5
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Re: Tired...How to handle another parents responsibilities

I think that this situation is bad for your children, and dangerous to you. At some point, that little boy is going to be injured and the blame may be directed toward you. Or he'll be found with bruises and you'll be the one accused. You must protect your family. If it were me, I'd tell the mother that her son is taking time and attention away from my own children, and I'd prefer that her child not come over. Then, if he comes to your house, send him away. If necessary, take your kids for a drive around the block so that he gets the message. And don't worry. She'll find someone else to take care of him. This woman is a pro!

Old 01-14-2005, 07:35 AM   #6
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Re: Tired...How to handle another parents responsibilities

Your absolutly right Anne, this is a big concern too since if anything happens, she will not want the blame(exspecially since she deserves it) and it is very possible that he could get hurt at my house. He hasnt been over since I told him to go home on Tuesday. I dont want the blame for her irrisponsible parenting, but if he's at my house, Ill be responsible for him. He's too out of control to take responsibility for. He wont be coming over without her guidance I probably wont see him again here. thanks Anne

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