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i'm just

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Old 04-06-2005, 03:27 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 5
uptheirons HB User
i'm just

one of the people (who you most likly find anoying) that has doubs about their mind.
ow and i can't pick titles very well...
To be more exact i have doubs of having a light form of autism.
First off i want to explain the situation i'm in, or at least give a shot at explaining it.
Well to start with i want to apologise for my bad english. I'm not a native english speaker and i also have dyslexia. What you read is the result of a couple years of therapy for writing so i hope you won't be to harsh on me.
To follow that i want to try and explain why i came here and not elsewere.
The thing is really i went elsewere more exactly what's called a social worker here and honestly well he just didn't make any sense at all...
He also disencouraged me for taking a test. At the moment someone in my family is also strugling with depression with is beeing pritty hard on everybody special two people i care very much about. I can see them beeing sad from it daily and well i basicly feel bad for every one of them but can't seem to help any.
anyway what does that have to do with all of the doub stuff well i just don't wanne involve those two people. One of them is my mum and i talked to her about it but she blowed it out of proportion as usual and it's just well really...
i wanne talk about it but not with somebody in real life. Ok so far for the attempt to making you understand somethings... witch has probably failed misrabaly...

so back to the main subject. Why do i have doubs? due to circomstances.
I basicly felt different from outhers my whole life and when somebody laughingly told me "you could have autisme" and some friends and me had a fight well i just got on some sites and so further.
basicly i now have 3 friends thanks to the kindness of one of them and had a bunch of otuhers because i came with this fourth friend. the fourth friend who basicly also has misused me for the last couple years, using me for homework when she needed it and never giving me anything and so on...
i'll give you a brief history upto now:
i was born one month early and was complelty yellow (i always mention this because it's just funny)
i have motorical problems, well pritty limited now due to threatment when younger. Does give me a bad bad handwriting, the ability to fall of a bike without any reason...
i have, like earlier mentioned, Dyslexia diagnosed around the age of 6 i guess...
for what it's woth i'm one of those kids who couldn't pronounce the 'r' right (with i also find funny when people tell me now)
i was a loner most part of my life, whould have no social life if it wasn't for those two friends...
i was bullied at school..
witch resulted in my losing my trust in people, basicly thinking everybody was laughing at me when they laughed and so onwards...
anyway this is getting waaay to long so...

The reasons why i have doubs is because i do have some of the symptoms discribed in my hunble opinion but then again outhers i don't have.
Somethimes i kinde feel like i'm in a twilight zone between the "normal" people and autism (please don't be offended by the normal reference i just couldn't find a better word)
I'll describe what i do wonder about here:
- Not good at social situations at all, don't make friends easy
also don't understand what people want somethimes.
For exaple if they say things in a certain why i can wonder for hours if it was ment bad or good, angry or just jokingly.
- i don't know the eye color of my friends not even the one i know from kindergarden onwards... at presentations the constant remark is: make eye contant and stand still (i have this nervous tic when i get nervous i wiggle from left to right)
- even my mum says i'm a strange person living on a different planet...
- i'm absolutly terrified of sounds like thunder and fireworks witch mostly tears me up inside since i love fireworks visually but am scared to death of the sound... so bad that when we were watching fireworks once a collegue of a family member asked the family member if i was allright and she had to say yea she's just scared of the sound.
same goes for balloons i'm scared that they'll pop but actuelly i like them pritty much....
once there was this really bad thunderstrike from out of nowhere and i will never forget that moment because well i just sat down put my hands on me head and made aaaauum aauum kinde noises (please notice i'm not good at typing out sounds)
- i like to rock back and forth
i never realised it was something wierd untill a girl at a school for kids with problems (where my sister was going due to the fact she just refused to read because they pushed her to far in normal school) to my sister : "is your sister a retard" i was like 10 or so at the time but it still hit like a brick and i still rember it today

i can keep going on actuelly things that worrie me and i actuelly found out were not normal (because i didn't reallise some of them weren't untill some people i had a fight with pointed them out)

now the biggest reason why i doub about beeing very very very lightly autistic are:
- i am resistent against chance. however this goes in cases like if i go to school and find out one class is canceled i won't mind at all. But when i am told i should take my bath at anouther time then i usualy do i think can be upset again. mostly i just get mad at my poor mum and feel bad about it aftherwards but i do it each time again, i don't seem to be able to help it...
- i can stand busyiness alltough when i'm at a market place or so i can get really upset bu the pushing people do i i just wish they'd run in lines so they whouldn't keep bumping in to me.. or they could at least say sorry...
i can stand bussyness in the way that i can go to concerts, actuelly i'm a big iron m***** fan and when i went to see them a while ago i have 4000 people pushing in my back and i felt like i was all alone...
my friends actuelly declared me officialy insane for that since i was at the building at 2.50 and the concert doors opend at 7.30 ... but anyway back to the point. well for instance i can eat my sandwiches in the cafeteria but when i'm alone and sit there an hour i feel mentaly tired when i leave.
When i'm with friends i just tend to i dunno filter everything out except what my friends say and have less problems with it...

that's it really...
sorry for the endless boring post but well i just had to put it somewhere really. i just feel like i'm dangling between two worlds... it is like that with everything with me. See for instance i have dysilexia like i said before but i don't have a severe case and was helped pritty good with additional classes and so on but still i find language in general pritty hard but people go your in between.
For instance there sports i used to be good at sports but not great.
i'm good at drawing but not great
i can imadgen the coolested and funniest things i can make my friends laugh for an hour just talking about all kinds of things but i can't write any of it down decently... i also can't talk about serious things i mean like debate serious issues that whould work but if people talked about problems in their own live or mine i can't do that.. well in real life then.
I feel like i have no talent i'm inbetween at everything i try
not normal because i'm a bit above normal but not good enough to do anything with it...
i can't put my emotions in anythings eighter.. i can't draw anything.. for instance if i wanne make a simly look sad it doesn't work out i can make it mad and happy and then it ends...
I mean some people write there emotions out, some paint it out.. some talk but i got nothing i can do...
i do information technology now and i'm okay at it.. i actuelly passed the first year without failing one exam... and the second i had three... beeing french (i never been able to do that it's like a horrible migtmare hounting me)
economics (the exam started a half hour later and i paniced because even the proffesor was surprised by the mistakes i made... )
.net... well we just got this course in a lousy way very unlogic and we had the cursus a moth before the exams
i'm a slow person.. i'll understand most of the things but just give me some time...
anyway i'm just babling on and on.. it's time to stop now...
i'd be honored if your read even half and wanne reply and won't be mad at all if this gets deleted as the horrible long, boring and bad thread it is

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Old 04-06-2005, 04:04 PM   #2
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Harriburg
Posts: 297
Kolby HB User
Re: i'm just

You need to go to your guidance counselor and the'll him or her what is going on. You may need to get help from a doctor who can get you therapy. Just because you can't do things like other people doesn't mean you can't do things.

When I was a child my school told my mother that I was retarded and probably had a very low IQ. I didn't seem connected. I seemed to fade out during class. I'd raise my hand and forget to put it down for a long time. I didn't make friends easy. It was like I lived in a fog during my early years in school. I remember sitting at a restaurant and looking at a menu and having no idea what it said. It was like nothing could get into my brain to help me to learn. Once diagnosed, A gifted underachiever with an IQ of 135, the school treated me different. They realized that I needed to be thought differently. Colors and lots of visual stimulation. Other things helped but were more of an accident. I still can't spell too well and have other issues but overall I get by. To this day I wonder if I am still disconnected in some ways. I have trouble describing myself and my wants and needs. I feel almost like I'm invisible. I'm working on those problems.

My husband used to drive a yellow jeep and he liked to say this "If everyone was the same we'd all be driving a yellow jeep." He likes to remember that all people are different and he accepts that. You hang in there and keep writting. Keep a diary about how you feel each day. Good Luck!

Old 04-06-2005, 04:16 PM   #3
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 5
uptheirons HB User
Re: i'm just

the thing is the person i talked about is a sort of guidance counselor. He just confused me talking about strange things asking me strange questions... and all he said in the end is... well i whouldn't do the test if i were you. I think you maight have a light form but the test won't help you...

one of the remarks i always got at school was: seems to be miles away.
when i wanted to change the studies i was following between my 15 and 16 years the guidance counselors for studie choises actuelly advised me not to do it because it whould be to difficult and i did it anyway and i'm still doing it...

i know everybody is different people used to tell me that alltrough my teen years... it's just for example girls all wear tight girly clothes. i'd rather wear wide shirts mostly band or outher... why well i don't know.. all i know is that i can't stand tight clothes...
sure everybody is diferent but i still feel i don't know even more different...

about the writing and diary thing well i can't do that.. i tried that online, offline, any line... i just can't write about my feelings i mean not often and when i manage i immeadtly afterwards get the feeling to destroy it...

Same with this post, right after i posted the thread i started feeling guilty and pritty soon the urge to delete it will kick in. Thinking to myself: you've been silly your just wasting people's time

Old 04-06-2005, 04:53 PM   #4
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Harriburg
Posts: 297
Kolby HB User
Re: i'm just

I know what you mean about the post. I sometimes feel that way too. And when I look back at some of my writting I can't believe I wrote it. And it is hard for me to put my feeling down when I don't always know what my feeling are. As for clothes, maybe you have Sensory Intergration Disfunction. Or maybe like so many other people, you don't like your clothes tight. I don't. I'd rather wear a pair of baggy pants. As for a Doctor, find another one. If you feel so out of this world, you may need some help. Trust me when I say that we all have issues. Some people are just better at hiding it than others. Everyone is not this smart happy person. So don't worry about everyone else. If someone doesn't like what you write, they don't have to read it. Don't waist your time thinking about everyone else. As humans we all judge each other and even ourselfs. It's horrible and I wish we didn't. No one is better we are once again all different.

Old 04-07-2005, 01:56 AM   #5
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 5
uptheirons HB User
Re: i'm just

The thing is i don't really want help in a way...
i don't feel to bad about it.
i mean i don't feel bad about who i am..
it just gives me some worries about what if those three other friends go away to.. i'll be alone...
what about work next year (i'm normally graduating this year) i mean i hate picking up phones and when i do i walk in circles while awsering it...
most of the time i'm a happy the way things are going but somethimes these stupid worries creep in...
somethimes i even worrie about the time i'm gone have to move out because i'm not to good at doing household things...
i also don't wanne get help because i don't want to involve anybody in it meaning anybody of my family... mum got problems enough as it is she doesn't need me complaining about something that doesn't matter so much anyway...
I just honestly beleive there is something wrong with me and i just wanted to try and figure out what it is.. not that it really matters dow...
i also don't try to judge people before i meet them but i think it's inevidable after you met them a couple times that you start judging.. but still like with the friend that used me for year i kept thinking in the end ow well mayby i have to forgive her... even now she made me look bad in the class, lost me two good friends, and so on i still have doubs at time and i know i just can't give in because she'll do the same thing again she just uses me when she needs me...

Old 04-07-2005, 07:29 PM   #6
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 3
ValG HB User
Re: i'm just

I think that it is wondeful that you are making an effort to share your concerns with others. You have every right to go see another doctor or therapist to figure out what is bothering you. You should probably go see an occupational therapist. They specialize in autism and can let you know if you have it. They can also give you lots of help in how to deal with daily life. I wish you the very best. You are already on the right road. I'm proud of you!

Last edited by ValG; 04-07-2005 at 08:40 PM.

Old 04-08-2005, 01:08 AM   #7
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 5
uptheirons HB User
Re: i'm just

thanks for the replies.
For the record like i said i don't speak english as a native language... witch brings me to the point i was making i don't live in the us
as a matter of fact i live in the country that's the size of a pee (i'm gone let you guess witch it is anouther tip is beer )
i never had any good experences with therapists and/or having a disability here
hell, i don't even think a occupational therapist excists here.
I mean i vagly rember some stuff from my yougt... there is one thing were doctors put sticky things on my head and asked me to imadgen things... what for nobody knows
then there is the language therapy for my dyselxia and because i had some problems in saying some letters right.. But that's a fun memory because i used to get this sticket book and at the end of each lesson i could stick a sticker in it...
then at a later age there was this problem i had with math.. well not really math just the ability to convert kilogram to meters and liters to centiliters... like if you asked me what was in a box of milk i'd be able to say 1 kilo...
those aren't bad memories it's after that it starts you know going to school from 12-18 so called study chose people telling me i wasn't smart enough to do what i wanted to... people saying hey we'll keep your dyselxia in account but then i'd get slammed in class by them saying "ha can't you write something correctly of a blackboard"
then there was that whole depresion thing with a family member witch i didn't really see helped by the thearapists.

all-in-all i don't really beleive in therapists i mean after all your depending on there opinion.. I mean it's like i beleive an iq test is not always correct since well you got factors influencing it like for instance if it is beeing timed and you work bad under timing you'll be bound to score less while i find that mayby you could do it faster without the stress... not just that but if your a shy person and you are nervous to start with i mean it all infulence it i think...

you know if i met you in real life i most lilkly whouldn't be able to tell all this...
i'd make a joke.. look wierd... and that'd be the end...

i think in this pee size country things like this are just very hard and expensive and if i'd do it i'd wait untill i'm out of the house perhaps...
i basicly on one side i wanne know but on the outher i don't wanne because well it will put more stress then there allready is on the family... it's gone be hard... and one of the things i hate most is when people cudle me and go aawww you have that problem let's be super kind and so on and so on..
i mean basicly i guess i just hate pity...
or mayby it's just my distrust in people because i was bullied and used a lot by people...

anyway nevermind nothing is gone happen anyway... I'm gone make a more usefull thread now...

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