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Old 05-20-2008, 02:37 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 238
tinymom05 HB User

Please someone help me figure out what is going on. My child is labeled autistic as of now, who knows what this will be in the future, hopefully wont even need assistance in the future.
So my child is in the special needs preschool and at first was struggling probably testing boundaries having problems with transitions. Now my child sits there and does most of what he is suppose to and even in speech he does things i never know he could, of course i am proud.

I am proud but confused, this is the same child who comes home wants to play with strings or things he is attached to that he spins on his feet. Freaks out if i ask him to do something he knows how to do, freaks out during his bath. Behaviors are bad with me, at times wont even look at me for reasons i don't understand. He seems to think at home that everything is done for him. When i ask him things he repeats what i say and doesn't do what i want him to. He won't answer questions and acts confused and upset at every little thing. This same child acts so loveable when he goes to school, now does what he is told to do no problems but won't carry it over at home. What am i suppose to do all he knows how to tell me is "no" and everything has to be on his terms. When i see his therapists telling me what a wonderful job he is doing what am i suppose to say? He wants strings and obsessed with certain objects that he stims with, behaviors are off the wall? I am a bit confused, it's like he acts like he has autism at home but at school it's a different story.

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Old 05-29-2008, 06:49 AM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 16
rainrowan HB User
Re: Frusteration

I suspect your son is like mine, when my child comes home from school, he's no longer on a schedule and resorts to his own self regulation. My son behaves for the most part in school and continuing that routine and discipline home has been a bit tough.

Once he gets off the school bus, he goes straight to his room and plays with a toy or he stims with his hands. I can't help but feel some kids may not "be themselves" at school but they have learned to follow routines and once they're home, it's a way for them to unwind.

I think the teachers see alot and they generally give the positive rather than negative b/c the are emphasizing the progress that IS there. We have the tantrums at home too and I'm hoping these will pass once he's a little older and can understand patience and reasoning... hang in there... I know it can be so tough when no one else is around to see what's going on when our kids go from one behavior to another.

Last edited by rainrowan; 05-29-2008 at 06:52 AM.

Old 06-01-2008, 12:24 PM   #3
Join Date: May 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 98
DannysMum HB User
Re: Frusteration

As a teacher we hear this sort of thing all the time "I wish he / she was as well behaved at home....She won't do anything I ask.......He is horrible to his sibling" etc etc, but at school the child is fantastic.

And this is for non-autistic kids... so I suppose our little ones must sometimes behave like this - they're kids too, even if their 'home behaviours' are more extreme than the mainstream kids! Not much fun for us at home!

I know when I was having trouble with my little one at home (bedtime) I talked about it through his Home/School diary... and the teacher arranged a meeting with me to see if she could help. All the staff connected with the Unit in which he is had chatted about ways I could try and deal with 'Bedtime Hell'....I think we are blessed with the people who work with him. I hope yours are good too.

Last edited by DannysMum; 06-01-2008 at 12:32 PM.

Old 06-01-2008, 06:10 PM   #4
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southeastern USA
Posts: 380
roses4lace HB User
Re: Frusteration

Your son's behavior is obviously causing a lot of conflict at home. Because Aspies really do think differently than "typical" people, it can be difficult for parents to understand what we need, and the younger Aspie's do not have the words to explain it. And sometimes even when we can articulate our needs, it sounds dumb to "typical" people and they won't allow it.

As an adult with Asperger's, I find that I can "pass for normal" in most social situations. It's a chore, and creates lots of internal stress. As soon as the situation is over, I frequently have a meltdown. Sometimes I leave early because I can feel that I am about to "lose it", but the other people will never know. This could mean when I get in my car, to the bathroom, home or a good friend's house, or wherever I am where I finally feel "safe to be me". My meltdowns will subside within 30 minutes or less, but for that time period, I need to be able to do EXACTLY what I want to do. If it's go somewhere private and cry, read, close my eyes, scream, hit a bat on the bed, talk, not talk, or cry on someone's shoulder. This is my way to release the build-up of stress.

It sounds like your son is "coping" at school, but then breaking down when he gets home. With my son, also an Aspie, I set some ground rules while he was coping well, then always followed through on them. I tried to give him more control over his life and choices from a young age. There are things worth demanding, controlling, and fighting over, but most things aren't. There are certain things he HAD to do. Like immediately obey me when we are out in public (mostly a safety issue, stay by my side, cars might hit you, someone may try to take you home, mom won't be able to find you, etc.). You can be messy in this room, but not these rooms. As a teen, a new rule - you must have clean hair before going anywhere with me. If he didn't and wanted to go somewhere, tough. (I wish my parents had set this rule with me! I can still remember the stringy, greasy mess of hair I'd go to school with, but my parents had more severe problems to deal with than my dirty hair.)

Think about it this way. At school he is always doing what someone else tells him to do. At home, if a parent is always asking questions, telling him what to do, he is again doing what someone else want him to do. When does he get time to do what HE wants to do? We need lots of hours doing what WE want to do because it gives us pleasure, makes us happy, and calms us down, and makes us "play nice" with others . Doing what other people tell us to do gets us very stressed, especially if we don't agree with it.

We kind of stay in the "terrible twos" all our lives, want to do it MY way, not your way. As we get older we learn how to say no and make it stick. Some of us learn to do it without causing conflict, some don't. While we are younger, we can be a pill for the adults who need to teach us how to live and fit in the world. (interpretation - "act like a typical person" because it's not ok to be who we are.)

Think of the situations when your son has the behavior problems. Is he still trying to calm down from school or other social situations, and he's told to stop his stemming or strings or lining up cars or spinning to do something for someone else? Does he get more upset when he is not allowed to do these things that calm him down? WHY does he freak out in the bath? Sometimes if the parent knows why the child is doing the behavior, what the trigger is, they can find other ways to get the need met. Try this exercise - try to pretend you are him, and write down what he would say if HE were writing on this board. When the WHY behind the behavior is understood, the solution will sometimes be obvious.

Perhaps he needs sent to his (quiet) room to play alone for 30 minutes when he gets home from school. When I worked, I would go straight home from work and lock myself in my room. (Come to think if it, I did it when I was in school, too.) I needed the 30-60 minutes to calm down before I could go pick my son up from daycare. At work everyone else demanded my time, then my son demanded it once I got home. I had no time for doing my calming things, and felt constantly overwhelmed.

Just trying to give some insight into the inner workings of an Aspie, in hopes it will provide some clues as to what may be going on in your own son's head. Good luck.

Old 06-07-2008, 08:33 PM   #5
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tinymom05 HB User
Re: Frusteration

first of all he get's all the time in the world at home to unwind and be himat home. I tend to help my kids during play when they dont think they are working but let them be themselves as well. For instance he can stare at me but when i look at him he puts his head down for no reason and gives me dirty looks, it's like it comes from nowhere,like he can do what he wants but if Mom does it then its a problem. I need to tell him nicely to not stand in the front of the cart so he doesn't fall so what does he do, he puts his head down wont look at me and scream unless someone we know walks by in the store and he smiles at them then when they leave he goes back to giving me dirty looks. I just dont give into behaviors like this its basically reinforcing him. I understand about the bath but then again i dont, i think he gets mad cause he acts out for my hubby when he gives him a bath and he gets a reaction out of him but with me i dont give him that reaction so he hates when i give him a bath and acts out and i still dont give a reaction. I send him in his room for quiet time to stim or whatever and he has the biggest meltdown cause i didnt give him what he wanted. Other days he is as sweet as pie during bath and mostly if someone is visiting like he wont show his "true" colors when they are there. Also he is very much obsessed with food he can eat all day the psycologist thinks it may be prader willie syndrome and mostly he gets mad at me cause of i havent given him that 5th cookie, and he holds a grudge. I understand kids need to unwind and be kids but they do need to understand that when they are angry at parents that they need to move on with their life too, and not have a meltdown cause we ask them nicely to put on their clothes that they knows how to put on. Its not like i am asking him to do something he doesnt know how to do. Or sit there and not eat dinner cause he is mad that we asked him nicely not to be throwing toys. I cant sit back too and let him walk all over everyone, he needs to learn boundaries like everyone else. I give him choices he tells me "no" about everything, i do what i can so he feels in control of situations but that hasnt helped yet. The dev pedi thinks he may have ADHD too. I know the last poster was trying to relate to being an aspie but we dont even know if he is an aspie or what. I am the type that is very involved so i do what is best and try to make the situation easiest for both me and my children. He just gets a kick out of conflict and annoying others, and we love him no matter what,he gets lots of love. He will not do something for me but when Dad is asking him to he will bump into me and when i am looking he smirks and does what dad wants him to do that he wont do for me. I think the major thing is the obsession with food and being angry with me for not living up to his standards or not being his servant. He's been obsessed with food from a very young age too. I believe i am doing the best for my child plain and simple. He does act out in therapy and school just holds a grudge longer with parents mostly Mom unless we are in public he gets over it a little quicker but not always. So to the last poster i am doing a great job for him and whatever is causing him to do this hopefully someone can help him. We try our best on this end.

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