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When is enough enough?

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Old 06-18-2009, 11:34 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 3
seeme HB User
When is enough enough?

I can't go on anymore.... Autism has ruined my life and I don't want to deal with it anymore!!! My husband is aspergers and so is my son. The entire world revolves around them. I want a husband to talk not talk at me. I just want to leave this house and never come back. I feel there is no purpose for me to even try anymore because everything I have done does not work. I deserve love and I deserve to have someone show me that they love me. I can't get it from my home. I want so badly to have a relationship not this stupid marriage I am stuck in. I do love my husband but he can't give me what I need. I need more I want more I deserve more. I am just venting!! I am past the point of crying I have cried so much I physically can't cry anymore. I don't know what to do. I want to leave but I can't. They need me. I try to be patient but for one day I just want a normal family life. One where we can go out to dinner or to a bar and have a drink. This life sucks and you know what sucks even only get one chance at it and I am living this nightmare.

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Old 06-18-2009, 10:16 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southeastern USA
Posts: 380
roses4lace HB User
Re: When is enough enough?

Sounds like you are in a situation where your needs aren't being met. Do you have close friends you can confide in, and trust their insights? Have you considered seeing a counselor? Trusted people and professionals can help talk through the pros and cons of various options. It sounds like you feel like you will have to "take care of them" the rest of your life. Hopefully, this situation will change for the better. Even a short vacation by yourself where you can do exactly what you want for a few days can help.

Believe it or not, some people with Asperger's can learn techniques to actually carry on a real conversation, rather than talking "at" someone, but it's hard, it takes the help of a professional, and the willingness to try something different. Most don't even know they are doing it, and have to be called out (gently) when it's happening. Until we "see" or "get caught in" our inappropriate behavior, or our life starts falling apart, we don't know there is anything that needs changing. You can get your son this kind of professional help, but your husband will have to decide on his own to get some social skills training, to help his marriage. Actually, it will help every part of a person's life to learn how to carry on a two-way conversation. Good luck.

Old 09-24-2009, 02:46 PM   #3
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Minford,oh Us
Posts: 7
needing2know HB User
Re: When is enough enough?

God bless you Seeme, I got on these posts to find help or a way out for my 12 yr old nephew. We have a real problem on our hands and after reading your post I felt compelled to reach out and try to offer comfort. My grandmother lived her whole life like that and I truly believe if not for her faith in God that she never would have made it, This was a woman who had her 1st child killed by her drunkin husband who accidentally rolled over and smothered in bed, and shoot guns off in the house when drunk , she raised lots of kids and kept them safe but there was very little good times from what i hear. Its true Seeme, its not what we planned on but you have to remember that things could be worse or still get worse in another situation? It could be Gods intention for you to be with them? We are buiding Pc's,planes,cars etc. and its sad that some don't even believe theres a creator? I always say take the safe obvious road Its the sure hope in trying times. Sorry for being so long and off topic but always remember that sometimes the grass isnt greener over the hill and that your hardships arent going un-noticed, wish you the best signed 44 yr old truck driver,ohio Ray

Old 09-25-2009, 12:17 PM   #4
Join Date: May 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 98
DannysMum HB User
Re: When is enough enough?

I can't say, go on...leave them and find a new life, but I can say we are here for you to cry out to...difficult to change them (some good thoughts from Roses on that one), so how about changing you a bit?
Can you find something for you.

I started to learn the cello last year and it has filled my life with love, joy and happiness! It really has changed the way I cope with autism and it's extreme frustrations (and with my other 'approaching adolescence' child!).
I am much calmer and can stand back a bit from the situation and not get so pulled down and miserable by it all.(which is why I searched for this site in the first place). I know it sounds melodramatic, but it is true! I can't believe I have found something that I feel so passionate about!

It's not too late to start learning something new. I started teaching a 70 year old the piano and that really inspired me. It doesn't have to be music (altho' it is a good one)... it could be art classes, dancing, walking etc etc something you've never done before would be the best... but what ever it is it has to be for YOU.

Last edited by DannysMum; 09-25-2009 at 12:19 PM.

Old 09-25-2009, 03:44 PM   #5
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: South Africa PMB
Posts: 8
Merenwenrago HB User
Re: When is enough enough?

Well your story sounds like mine seeme my dad had aspergers and me. My mom decided to look after us. But after few years she couldnt take it and moved to a flat away from my dad.

My suggestion is divorce or move out before stress levels get too high for you.

If you want to stay with him i suggest trying to reason with him and explain what your needs are and what is irritating you if he doesnt listen still then divorce.

Also its good to go somewhere quiet for a weekend at your friends house or by yourself to a resort to relax. Also the worst thing to do is leave your child without a mother.

Also doubt counselling will help unless he actually accepts that he has autism.

Edit: Forgot to add find a quiet room and do a hobby you love to refresh your body and mind

Last edited by Merenwenrago; 09-25-2009 at 03:48 PM.

Old 09-29-2009, 09:18 PM   #6
Liz Cook
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: hodgdon, maine, united states
Posts: 194
Liz Cook HB User
Re: When is enough enough?

My husband has asperger's and it can be a very lonely world sometimes, living in the shadow of his obsessions. I hope I am typing to you before you have given up else wise you will have no reason to read this!! I have struggled many many many times with the idea of staying with my husband. I dont recommend to anyone to stay with some if they no longer love that person but IF you still love him then there is still some things that can be done. I was to a point in my relationship that I basically gave my husband the ultimatium of either he got counciling and medication to control his anger or I was packing up my rotten brood of kids and leaving him. He chose to get help. Ofcourse, as you know what it is like, I had to make all the calls and set up all the appointments but he agreed to go and to work with the doctors and things are much better. Far from perfect but closer to the guy I married. We have been through alot and Mark and I based our relationship on communcation so we have been able to talk through alot of our problems but when our 3rd son came along it was too much for him. His stress level went through the roof and instead of being partners we were at each others throats. It was bad enough that I thought while I was pregnant that I should get an abortion... several times... because it was going to be too much! And the baby was too much but we made the best of it and Mark finally got the help he needed to cope. I know NOTHING about your relationship or your husband so I dont know if he is ANYTHING like my husband, BUT IF he is then he is very logical based. I can reason with him about our problems and we problem solve together. His thought processes are slow (even though he has genius level IQ) so talking things out and giving him "how should we take care of this" scenario and sort give him hints to the direction that is most workable. I also remind him that I am neurotypical and as a NT have a different set of needs. We bargain our time. He gets his obsession time when he first gets home from work to unwind and then there is family time and then there is US time (which I like to think of as movie/activity time not just sex time like he does ). I am fortunate enough (sound crazy) to have insomnia which gives me my opportunity for me time . Like I said though, I dont know your situation and where your relationship is. BUT if he is willing to look into therapy with you and for himself. And IF you are both willing to WORK it might be fixable. You can not carry the relationship by yourself... nor should you feel you have to but it is going to always be work. More work than other people's relationships. You two have two different brain types so figuring each other out takes more work than your friends have to do but whether it is worth it is your decision. You need to talk to him, and listen to yourself. If talking to him gives you hope, if he is willing to meet you half way, and you can look at him and still have a glimmer of love in your heart for him then its worth the work... but if none of those are there then, as Mark and I agreed long before we married, children come first! I would split the difference and the stress and concentrate on the one that you actually have a responsibility to, your son. You don't NEED to TAKE CARE of your husband... he lived before you... he would live after you... but you brought the child into this world and I believe that more weight than any ring on your finger! Good Luck! and Take Care of yourself! There are some really good suggestions in this thread!! And I hope that you can make some good use of them... with or without your husband!


Old 11-03-2009, 07:57 PM   #7
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 207
WasFatNoMore HB UserWasFatNoMore HB User
Re: When is enough enough?

He must have (or had) some good qualities that attracted you to him. What were they? Did you marry him knowing he had Aspergers? Has he changed radically in the recent past?

Old 11-03-2009, 10:45 PM   #8
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Eastern PA
Posts: 88
karensk HB User
Re: When is enough enough?

I want to send you lots of support and computer hugs. You are in a tough place. I myself have a husband with multiple issues and a son with Asperger's/ADHD.

For me, the key to feeling so much better was finding exercise I enjoyed and doing that on a regular basis. Exercising for me releases so much of that negative energy and makes me feel good about myself. It also gets me OUT of the house - and you know that is always good when you are feeling "trapped."

As other posters have mentioned, writing, art, music - all of these types of things can help you deal with your situation. I would also advise counseling for you to help you sort through the many issues.

Best of luck, please know that there are people in this world who DO care

Old 11-05-2009, 07:05 PM   #9
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Re: When is enough enough?

Hi there,
I have a 16 year old son with autistic disorder. I have raised hin on my own since he was born. With very little support. He is higher functioniong , although , he does talk at me, and has very narrow interts. I will admit, I do tend to tune him out at times, because it is the same thing he always talks about, same obbsseions, same topics , and so on.
i'd like to suggest to you that it would help to take care of yourself, and your needs. Get involved in things that you like to do. And what your interests are. Separarte yourself sometimes, and get out the house, go shopping or with a family member. Go have some fun for yourself.
It might even help you to seek indiviuAL therapy , to help you deal with your feelings regarding what you have to live and deal with on a daily , ongoing basis. I am certain you love your husband and son very, very much. It is the connection with them that you miss, and is very difficult .
I understand this. Often times, even though my son is higher functioniong, he is nOT at all a typical 16 year old boy, I forget all the time about this fact.
My son is just who he is , and he has always been who he is. You have to take care of yourself, and your feelings do matter. If your going through this sadness , it may be part of the grieving process of the loss that you feel from not having or feeling something that is missing... Or it could stem from something else.
That is why I suggest therapy may help you.

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