It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....

Autism Spectrum Message Board

I am in a dark place and end of my rope

Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-27-2011, 07:44 PM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2
Catz12 HB User
I am in a dark place and end of my rope

I need help and desperately. It seems to me that Psychologists and Psychiatrists do not understand what I am going through. They think because they have a degree they know.

I am so at the end of my rope. I live where I have no family, no friends. Seriously. I have been laid off since 2003 and have been unable to find a job and I live in a neighborhood where my neighbors do not talk to me. They think my son is so misbehaved because their children listen to them. They are normal children. Mine are not. They do not know what I go through. They have husbands. I do not wish any of this on them but I do wish they could be in my shoes for a few months so they would know why my son is the way he is. The neighbors yell at him all the time outside and they refuse to allow their children to play with mine so my kids are in the house 24/7 with me. They have their own little group.

I have 4 children. Two grown and two at home with me. My son who has some kind of AS disorder is 13 and my daughter who is about to be 10. Their dad died two years ago.

I am in the house 24/7 with two kids year round. No adults to talk to. My two oldest who are 24 and 18 are fed up with their brother who has AS (he is being tested in Feb to see what kind he has) is fed up with him and will not spend long amounts of time with him. That is why my 18 yr old is never home except to sleep. He spends time with at his dads 99 percent of the time when not in school.

I scream every day at the kids because every little thing annoys me. I have been dealing with my 13 year olds AS problem since he was 5 (and I got no diagnosis from a doctor until after his dad died and a new doctor took over and said it was Asperger's Syndrome. They all blamed it on ADHD) and I have going at it ALONE since his dad died two years ago so after two years it has taken it's worse toll on me. I have screamed, prayed (I just recently started believing that God stopped listening too), begged, pleaded, I cry every single day everything you can imagine so anyone, just anyone would listen to me and give me emotional support but I find it nowhere. The doctors don't sympathize with me and so far have no answers or cures. Every morning my son wakes up, I think to myself, here goes another rotten day and I am right as usual. I find myself screaming at everyone all day even when they ask me a question because I deal with my son all the time by myslef that I get to the point I can't wait until he goes to sleep and I can grab an hour or so before I go to bed totally exhausted to start another disastrous day.

I can't even go out the door to grab 20 minutes to clear my head because I have no one to be with them. I have waited my whole life since I was a little girl myself to grow up and have a daughter and now that I have one, my relationship with her is ruined because my attention is 24/7 on my son. I am constantly having to tell him to stop whatever he is doing wrong a million times a day. Nothing I say gets through to him.

His previous doctors diagnosed him with Asperger's Syndrome as I said but the specialist he goes to now says he doesn't agree so he is having him tested by a psychologist to see where his mind is at and testing his intelligence because he says he does not believe the school is right. Unfortunately I have to wait until Feb for the testing and the end of Feb for the results which I already have it in my head that no matter what they find, they won't be able to fix him so I can have a normal life. I have wanted to start dating again but no one is interested in a woman with a special needs child and he needs a male figure in his life as he misses his dad every day. He needs someone to do boy things with as I have no interest in cars or video games and I am not good at pretending I am.

Getting back to my daughter. She does not comprehend nor do I expect her to understand that her brother is different than her and any other kids she has been around. When I do have time with her, I am too exhausted to make it quality time because all I think about is getting some time alone to myself to gather my thoughts. Then at the end of the day, I think about the day that went by and I feel so darn guilty about being so angry. He cannot help he is different but I miss the help I got from his dad. He misses his dad so much and every day he tells me so and I can't bring his dad back or I would drive forever to get him. My relationship with my older children has suffered as well. I am pretty sure there is no way any of them will ever be repaired. I feel guilty not only about screaming at them all day but saying things I should say. I go into his room and look at him sleeping and kiss him goodnight again and think to myself that this poor innocent child deserves a better mom and I tell him this sometimes and when he says he doesn't need a better mom because I am the best mom in the world to him and says he doesn't know what he would do if I died too like his dad, it just makes me cry even more. He is such a forgiving child.

Please help me feel better. Please say something to help my day go better. because I am so close to totally losing it. I can't help feel that if I had a job besides being couped up every second of the day, that maybe I would feel so different and have more patience. Thank God they are in school for 9 months of the year.

I am so sorry that this is so long but I have two years of so much bottled up that I need to get it out even if no one is reading this. I have been thinking of keeping a diary because even if I am talking to a book and writing my thoughts down, it might help me get it all out.

The following 2 users give hugs of support to: Catz12
Mtb710 (12-29-2011),willowthewisp (01-10-2012)
Sponsors Lightbulb
Old 12-28-2011, 05:22 PM   #2
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: LaLos Angeles
Posts: 7
Mtb710 HB User
Re: I am in a dark place and end of my rope

I cannot imagine for one second what it must be like in your shoes.Having kids is hard enough, but coupled with not having a job and a child with potential disabilities... I can't imagines what you go through. It sounds as though you are working incredibly hard and trying to do the best you can. Sometimes that's really all you can do. I grew up with a single mother of two. I loved my mother dearly but she was so stressed and crazed from trying to keep the family together, work, put food on the table and keep her own mind sane, we basically had no relationship the first half of my life. I know you feel guilty about the relationship with your daughter, but she will understand one the meanwhile do the best you can. I know you said you. Have no time to yourself, but it is very hard to be a good mom when your not a happy one. I know, easier said than done, but you have to do something for yourself so that you can take care of your family.
Hang in there. Don't give up. Moms have the hardest job in the world. Nobody knows that except moms!

Old 12-29-2011, 01:07 PM   #3
Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: California
Posts: 1,775
mscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB Usermscat40 HB User
Re: I am in a dark place and end of my rope

I am very sorry things are so hard for you right now. I am also a single parent , my son was diagnosed as having autism by 4 years old , but some teachers did not know for certain, but he was getting all the school support and services . He was also very hyperactive as a younger child and was totally out of control at times. I worked full time when he was little and did not have too much of a support system either, somehow I made it through those tough years. Is the school offering your son services ? How has your son been doing in school this far ? Does he take medication for the ADHD? Jobs are very difficult to come by , that must be very hard since 03 . When the children are at school how about doing something nice for yourself? Soak on the tub or something that is only for you. Do stuff for you so you can relax a little and find some peace for yourself. Taking careof a special needs child is not easy, and without the support has to be the worst. At 15 years old my son was re diagnosed as having autism , he is now 18 , and i've been alone raising him sice day one. Things will get better for you, right now it is bad and very chalenging , once your son gets a little older he will mature and the hyperactivity can get easier too , Look into any parent support groups for children on the autistic spectrum, just talking about things and listening to other parents may help you not feel so isolated and alone. Also, I am thinking that you may benefit from counseling , talking to a professional about all these feelings will really help u . Being a single parent, alone, and dealing with a special needs child is so much without any support.

Old 02-04-2012, 11:20 AM   #4
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 1
ABetterTomorrow HB User
Re: I am in a dark place and end of my rope

I am new to this site and if I knew how to give u a cyber hug I would. I dont know you but your story touched my heart. I do not have children with autism but I have a cousin with autism. I want to understand more about it so I can give her the support she needs. I clicked on your story because she said those exact words to me..She was feeling like she was in a dark place and didnt know what to do anymore She is also a single mom with an autistic 15yo boy. She is close to where I live and I try to see her as much as I can to show her I love her and Justin. I would love to be a penpal for you to talk to. I understand fully if you feel that is inapropriate. You are a great mom doing the best you can. I feel like I could be doing better too as a mother but thats just rude thoughts and we shouldnt think that way. We love our children. We do everything we can for them. We are human. I wish I could hug you and tell you, you will get through this! Forgive me if this is a dumb question, were you told much about the diet an autistic child should have? Might help with the aggressive part if he eats healthy. I have read alot about what they should eat and not. I asked my cousin and she didnt know, Same with a friend of mine with an autistic 5yo girl. I told her things she had no clue about!? I was amazed that doctors never said anything about what their children should and should not have to eat!! I would love for you to email me anytime with any venting, I found a diary helped me when I was a teenage girl too. So I hope that helps!! BUT If you need a reply even if its a cyber hug reply id be happy to do that for you
Take care and god bless

Old 02-09-2012, 07:39 AM   #5
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 54
Suzanne44 HB UserSuzanne44 HB User
Re: I am in a dark place and end of my rope

Listen you sound like a very caring mom to your children. You would strongly benefit from some kind of support group where you could go and talk out these problems and feelings. But first you need some respite care for your kids so you can get out in the evenings. Contact your county board of developmental disabilities office and say you want to speak with the Intake Office about getting respite care services and even a big brother role model for your son. Also whatever services might be available, even some counselling for you and your daughter and your son.

Then ask around if there is an autism support group close to where you live and make arrangments to be able to attend the once a month meetings - ask your older children to help out with your kids until you get some respite.

You need some time to yourself. Don't your younger children go to school? You could use their school time as a time to perhaps get a part time job for yourself or do some things that are fun and enjoyable just for you. Respite care would give you some time to take your daughter out, just the two of you.

Try to take some breaths before you yell and know it's only to make you feel guilty. You do love and care for your kids but you need to start reaching out to your county for some services. Good luck to you.

Old 02-10-2012, 07:22 AM   #6
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Kenilworth, NJ USA
Posts: 2
Jonathansmom HB User
Re: I am in a dark place and end of my rope

Where do you live??? I hope you are near one of us. I am so sorry... I know it is easy to say join a support group ect. But the reality of it is, you are in a dark place that you may need some help getting out of. not everyone is a "therapy" person, you need a friend! You need someone who is going to give you a had and life you up a little and make you feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am also a single mom, with 3 sons, there are good men out there who will want you, there are people out there who will understand about your children. You are just in a bad place. I know I have been there. I had my oldest with a drug problem, my youngest dx with pdd, and my house burned down, and living in a homeless shelter, all in one months time. It took me years because I did it myself, but I slowly became ME again, I can remember walking around like a zombie, not knowing what to do or where to turn, and I went to a very dark place. (I only shared that with you so you would know that I have been where you are)
You can get out of this, and you will. Please feel free to contact me if you need to talk!

Old 02-10-2012, 07:50 AM   #7
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Loxahatchee, FL, USA
Posts: 8
KeysMom HB User
Re: I am in a dark place and end of my rope

I really sympathize with you. I have 2 children with learning disabilities, a third on a 13 year old girl emotional roller coaster ride. I work with kids in an ESE classroom in public school. So I understand the behavior issues you are referring to here. But please don't give up on the power of God to help you with your situation. Ask for help and you'll get it.

First, focus on you. You have to refuel your own batteries. Your behavior can effect everyone in your home. Be good to yourself. Do something just for you. Even a little thing like buying yourself a new nail polish, can help. Don't worry about what your neighbors think. They don't have perfect families either.

Try not to to be angry at your son's behavior. Look at it like this, if he had diabetes, you wouldn't be annoyed that he had to eat a special diet and take meds, even if that interfered with everyday life. He is who he is. He can only think the way he was built to think. Go online and look up stories of people who live positive lives with AS.

Also, try to calmly discuss his abilities with his symptoms. Explaining what he can do, think, feel and what he cannot. They have to accept him for who he is and how his mind works. Don't focus on that it is bad, just different.

Best of luck. And remember you are not alone. Hugs to you, now go do something good for yourself.

Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
was this psycologist out of place? maggie78 Autism Spectrum 7 12-24-2006 04:24 AM
Higher functioning autism Swansong Autism Spectrum 27 06-21-2006 12:30 PM
What causes dark circles under the eyes? Willstrideryder Autism Spectrum 8 05-30-2006 08:40 PM
Hospitilazation? jchardy Autism Spectrum 5 01-31-2005 08:21 AM
Dark Circles Asperger family Autism Spectrum 9 01-09-2005 05:56 PM
Dark Circles Under Eyes!! rywilli25 Autism Spectrum 4 09-16-2004 07:24 PM
update on the gfcf diet with my son-been off diet scince May-new blood work results memehegan Autism Spectrum 2 08-01-2004 07:26 PM
Questioning whether you have autism.... rhyanenrose Autism Spectrum 17 12-08-2003 02:19 AM
Statistics on Mainstreaming? JustaDad Autism Spectrum 12 11-26-2003 04:26 AM
PDD and special ed. T-bone-Mama Autism Spectrum 23 08-11-2003 10:10 AM

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:22 AM.

Site owned and operated by™
© 1998-2018™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!