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    Old 07-04-2006, 10:38 PM   #1
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    Unhappy I am so sad....pain is worst and I don't know what to do anymore!


    First off, I think you all are wonderful people, the support and kindness you give one another....I read most everday, just don't post much....

    I feel the need to talk to someone.....

    Past History.....I was working for as a vendor for a greeting card company....I had DDD but did fine with the occasional darvocet, occasionally I would be worst and have to rest a little for a day.....

    March 30th, 2005, I lifted a box of greeting put out on display.....a pain I can't describe went down both legs, across back, up into shoulders and upper back.....I fell over the cart I was working out of from the pain....I immediately left work, thinking i had just *messed* up a muscle or something.....I laid in my van in the parking lot for about 45 minutes and finally was able to drive the 5 or 6 miles home....when I got home, I stripped off clothing, put on a little night shirt and laid down (or tried too)....the pain was horrible in both legs and across the back, and in the left arm....

    I took off the next day, calling my boss and telling him what had happened, he told me to go to the ER, it was a WC claim (I had ever thought of that) I am not much for going to docs!

    When hubby came home, I had managed to fix a little dinner but was in horrible pain and he finally got me to go to the ER.....

    They did an x ray and gave me pain shots and steriod shot and told me to go to see my family doc.....that the x ray showed a white cloudy looking spot in the lower spine.....

    I went to the doc about 2 days later, still in the pain but it had settled in the left side and lower back.....right side seemed better.....he referred me to a Spine Specialist which I saw 3 days later.....He ordered an MRI and I had ruptured one disk, buldged 2 others and told that the lower spine was collasping (DDD)....but the disk problem was for sure an injury from the way the rupture was squished(exact word).......

    Fast forward, 15 months later.....the WC finally approves surgery....I have been falling, been through epidurals, more steriods orally, physcially therapy, nothing helped me.....and the nerve was still compressed and caused drop foot in the left leg.....I kept complaining about the left arm.....doc finally got an MRI for the upper spine, it is not spine related, he says and wants to send me to an orthapedic doc (is afraid I have a torn rotary cuff) the pain in the arm is horrible, almost as bad as the leg nerve pain!!!

    Now, surgery was 8 weeks ago today, I am NO better, pain is actually worst.....I am still falling.....and no one has looked at my arm yet!!

    I went to see the doc, at 6 weeks post op and he tells me that it might get worst before it gets better due to the lenght of time the nerves were compressed and the fluid that had attached itself to nerves from the rupture that he had to scrape off during the surgery! Then he drops the bomb, I may never get any better.....due to the fact WC left me in that shape too long......

    I am fighting to get the arm seen to, I never had arm pain until the accident.....I am having to take pain meds every 4 hours....and they aren't working very well anymore due the lenght of time I have been on them.....

    I have a attorney and he says there is not much he can do as long as they continue to pay my meds and bills and my WC pay......

    I need help with my arm so bad.....I am dropping things now, typing this is all I can do without crying from the pain....

    I am so sorry this is so long....but I just need to know if any of you have had a similar experience and it DID get this moment I would take a 50% reduction in pain....I am in agony most of the time.....

    At first my hubby was so kind and caring, now he complains all the time about the things he has to do that I can' hurts me so much....I already feel useless, like a nothing, like a burden to everyone....

    Last night, hubby told me if I didn;t get better, he was hiring someone to come in and take care of things.....we have no money....he doesn't want me anymore, I am a broken down piece of a woman now....and it is killing me!

    I try SO hard, I clean the best I can, doc said No mopping nor vacumming, so I can;t do that.....I cook most nights, and am in such pain....I do the laundry and it kills me.....

    EVERDAY, I get up, make the bed, dress in nice shorts and top, fix my hair, put on a little makeup.......I even have sex and it hurts me a lot, but I love my hubby and I do what I feel he needs.....

    He is treating me I am a burden.....and he says I ***** all the time about things that need done if I ask him to do any little thing!

    I am so heart broken.....I don't know what to do.....the pain is almost too much for me anymore and his attitude has broken me.....

    I wanted to add.....he was so loving and kind.....and I do al I can....what am I doing wrong? I know I am not the same person he married...I can't go for long walks in the woods, by the lake, on long trips and I can't be honest, I think this is a lot of it.....He is having to work 2 jobs, one a business we started together and I helped, he is a carpenter and I even learned to drywall....I was good at it too and we had FUN it's all gone.....he works, I hurt.....and I think that is a huge part of the problem.....I feel he loves me....he just can't deal with me not helping and being productive......and he is over taxed at times, with 2 jobs and then maybe having to mop or vacumn.....

    Thanks for letting me vent,

    God Bless each of You,


    Last edited by memorize; 07-04-2006 at 10:57 PM.

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    Old 07-04-2006, 11:17 PM   #2
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    Re: I am so sad....pain is worst and I don't know what to do anymore!

    Hi memorize, I am sorry to hear about all of the pain that you are in right now. Since you just had surgery 8 weeks ago, I think you should be relaxing and not doing much .... so that your back has time to heal. I have not had surgery myself yet, but I read these boards, and most people say to rest and relax after surgery so that your back has time to heels itself. I have read that it can take a long time for it to heal up. I think you should just relax and try to get your back better and follow your Doctors orders.

    Onto the second part ... I totally understand what you mean about doing house work etc. That is where my problem is!! I think us women feel that it is our job to do the house cleaning, so we feel like .... when we are hurting and can't do much, we feel that we are "burdening" our partners. I feel the same way .... but my PERSONAL problem is, is that I am very stubborn and I am a "neat freak". My hubby works, and I stay home, so I feel that I need to get this stuff done around the house, because he is out working. And to be honest with you ..... there are days I am cleaning the house and I will actually cry while I am doing it! My back will hurt so bad and that is even after taking a Percocet!! But stupid me thinks .... "I need to get this done" and I keep doing it till I get it done, even though I am in pain.

    Then we have 2 cats and a dog, so I have to vacuum a few times a week cause there is always hair everywhere. I will take a percocet before I even start .... and about half way through my back is killing me to where I am crying. Now, I never tell hubby this because I don't want him to do everything since he works. And like, I know I shouldn't be doing this, but with having 2 cats .... I will clean and empty the cat boxes by myself, one upstairs on the 2nd floor and one in the basement and I will lift the pails of litter. Now, hubby will say when he gets home, "why didn't you wait for me
    ", but I am too stubborn and I don't want him to think that I can't do anything with my back problems. I guess I am just trying not to be a burden to anyone too. Told ya I am stubborn!!

    Now, you just had surgery, so I do know that you are NOT supposed to even be doing that stuff right now anyways!! But, I just wanted to tell you how I am and that I do understand about feeling like you are a "burden" to people. Because I feel the same way, only I am too stubborn to let people help me. I just continue to do stuff myself even when I am in pain. And you are NOT doing anything wrong!! Us people with back problems will all tell you that. People that do not have the problems that we have, they do not understand what our day to day life is like. It's not always fun. Is there a way for to check around to maybe hire someone cheaply to come to your house every 2 weeks or so to help you?? Or maybe any family members to come and help you with the cleaning?? I think you should seriously just relax and try to get your back better, that is the most important thing right now!! If you try to do stuff now, right after surgery, then your back won't get any better!! Hang in there ok??

    Old 07-05-2006, 06:37 AM   #3
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    Re: I am so sad....pain is worst and I don't know what to do anymore!

    memorize, hang in there.. better days are coming. I know thats kinda cliche and easy to say but I truly believe that.

    unfortunatley what you and your hubby are going through does happen to many couples when one spouse is going through something as serious as you are. its something my doc warned me about, and he said not to worry about calling his office about it, maybe you can call your doc? maybe counceling can be arranged. you hubby may not understand just how serious and how long it takes for a fusion to heal. most people seem to think that after a few weeks you should be able to do everything you were able to do before. that just isnt the way it works, and he needs to understand that. my doc gave me some literature on what to expect after surgey and what to expect as far as activities. if your doc didnt give you anything maybe he can at least point you in the right direction.

    you really shouldnt be doing housework at 8 weeks, your bones are in a critical phase in the fusion process and if it hurts you definatly should not be doing it. the housework can wait for another few weeks, your back healing is way more important, this is the rest of your life depending on a good fusion.

    please, take it easy. you need to be selfish at this point and think of yourself and your healing process.

    take care.. youre in my prayers.
    back surgery in JUN 06 - two level ALIF (L3-4-5) with cages and BMP - SUCCESSFUL!

    Last edited by zeroman; 07-05-2006 at 06:45 AM.

    Old 07-05-2006, 08:21 AM   #4
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    Re: I am so sad....pain is worst and I don't know what to do anymore!

    Hi Memorize,
    I am so sorry that you are having such pain and that your husband isn't being very helpful!! I also have DDD and stenosis, and I have had steroid injections which have helped; but I can tell that the symptoms have returned to some degree and are most likely going to gradually worsen.
    In fact, the orthopedist as much as told me that and even gave me a handicap sticker to use when it does happen again. Can you somehow remind your husband (nicely!) that he took marriage vows "for better or for worse" and that if the situation were reversed, you would happily take over his duties if it would keep him more comfortable. I'm sure he loves you - some men are weird that way - they go into denial because they think that women can never get sick!
    Have you seen a pain management doctor? My orthopedist also refused to give me any medications other than Neurontin even though I could barely walk. As I said, my pain did subside after having three steroid shots, but I still have trouble sleeping because of burning in both legs, and if I do too much around the house, my hip and outer leg start aching. I was advised by a surgeon that an operation most likely wouldn't help me much if at all.
    As the others have said, it really is very important that you allow the surgery to do it's part in healing your back. After I had my shots, I still had sciatica and had to be very careful.
    Please try to ignore your husband's complaints for now and try to find a good pain management doctor to help you through these rough times. Be sure not to over-do the pain meds so that you become addicted; i.e. try to pace yourself. Surely there are PM doctors out there who are willing to help people in pain!! I keep reading about people whose doctors refuse to give them pain meds, and it scares me! I've been counting on being able to get relief when I have sciatic pain again. I live alone (with my dogs) and have to do everything myself. I wish you the best of luck and hope you can resolve this with your husband and that he will begin to understand your situation.
    Best wishes, Mabent

    Old 07-05-2006, 09:57 AM   #5
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    Re: I am so sad....pain is worst and I don't know what to do anymore!

    I know exactly what you are going through. Being in pain all the time is depressing in and of itself, and not being able to do what you used to makes it so much worse. The last couple of months, my pain has gotten very bad and my house is now literally falling apart. I used to clean every day when I was off work and now I can hardly do anything. Dishes don't get done for three days at a time if I don't do it. And I also understand with the sex thing, I still have sex with my husband even though I can hardly move for the rest of the day afterward, but you just feel so incredibly bad because you love them and still want to make them happy.

    It's hard when you know so much needs to be done, and even though you know you shouldn't do it, and that it will cause intense pain, you do it anyway. I am constantly hurting myself doing housework.. But at this rate I will never heal.

    My advice to you is just take it easy. The more rest you get now, the better you will be in the future, and then you will be able to get back to normal, or at least a version of normal. I think the counseling sounds like a really good idea.. I may even take that advice for myself.

    Good luck and take care of yourself.. I know you can get through this, just hang in there!!


    Old 07-05-2006, 12:57 PM   #6
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    Re: I am so sad....pain is worst and I don't know what to do anymore!

    Dear Memorize:
    I'm so very sorry you are in so much pain both physically and emotionally. I know there is nothing I can do to help with the physical pain, but hopefully knowing that you are not alone will help in other ways.

    First off - you have to allow your body time to heal from the surgery. If you don't, you risk injuring yourself worse or at the very least not giving yourself the opportunity for the surgery to take. Most importantly you will not be helping yourself if this happens, let alone your husband. Please follow your doctors orders and rest. Trust me, whatever doesn't get done is still going to be there later. I agree with "mabent" about trying to get to a Pain Management doctor. Mine has been a life saver! He/she can help you control the pain until you heal and then if there is any residual pain, help you deal with that as well.

    I got hurt at work almost 7 years ago and now have DDD. None of the doctors they sent me to took my pain seriously for almost 2 years. They gave me pills and said it was a strain. Idiots! But then I was finally sent to a Pain Management doctor that took me seriously and tried everything available to get out of pain. Unfortunately nothing worked and I now I have a morphine pump implanted that delivers a constant flow of the drug to my spine (I'm only in my late 30's) and will have this the rest of my life. I also take oral narcotics and between the two they control the pain if I do absolutely nothing! If I get up and try to do housework or cook, etc. I'm in tears from the pain. I've been out of work for a few years now and went through a major depression thinking that I was completely useless and couldn't contribute anything to my husband or the world. It was very difficult for me to accept that this is how the rest of my life is going to be. I will never work again, can't sit/stand/walk for very long, I can't drive, sex is painful, having children is almost out of the question, etc.. Some days are easier to get through than others. But I finally realized that I had no choice but to get up and face each day. It isn't easy, but the world is going to keep revolving whether I want it to or not.

    My husband and I went through a lot of very rocky patches. And sometimes I wonder how we made it. It still happens from time to time - but he would get frustrated when nothing would get done around the house, and the get angry when I would do things and wouldn't "wait for him to do it". It felt like I couldn't win But I finally had to realize that there are only certain things I am able to do. Period! This was not easy to accept. I felt like a useless pile of crap Unable to cook the gourmet meals I used to make, unable to do the laudry, clean the house, do the shopping, etc.. But then I realized that there are few things I am able to do, with some help or variations. He puts the laudry in the wash, in the dryer and in the hamper - then I fold it and he puts it away. He makes dinner and does the dishes, but I set the table. He cleans the floors and wipe down the counters and tables. Am I doing a whole lot? No, but these little chores make me feel productive in a world where I can't do much of anything.

    I suggested this to Mysticale7 on a thread she posted and am going to suggest it to you too. You said your husband is giving you a hard time. Have you thought about keeping a diary/journal? I used to keep one and still write in it occasionally. There I could get out all my anger and frustration - about my injury, about my husband, anything I wanted. I could yell, scream, throw a temper tantrum and no one could judge me or yell back. I found it was very helpful and I was a lot nicer to be around.

    Please try and understand that your husband is going through his own situation with this. He's suffering in a different way. I'm sure he can't stand to watch you in pain, knowing there is nothing he can do to fix it. You're lives are different - neither of you got what you bargined for. I'm sure he's angry too. Sometimes men have a difficult way of showing they are hurt by what is going on in their lives and it comes out as anger. This doesn't excuse it, but might make it easier to understand.

    Please know that you aren't alone. If you need to talk about anything, come here to the board and post. You'll be in my prayers. Try and hang in there and PLEASE take care of yourself and give your body time to heal!

    Old 07-05-2006, 06:01 PM   #7
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    Re: I am so sad....pain is worst and I don't know what to do anymore!

    Thanks to all of you for your advise and caring.....I am so sorry you hurt, but its good to talk to people who understand this never ending pain.....

    Today, hubby seems better.....maybe things were just getting him down....I was a happy-go-lucky person, laughing and singing about all the time, even at 49 (before I got hurt) I find it hard to smile many days......

    I was a VERY hard worker, always cleaning, doing 3 jobs actually, my own In home business, the vendor job and helping hubby with our business we started.....very hyper personality....hard to be still....always going and doing and then all stopped for me....maybe a pity party but I don't mean for this to be.....

    Your replies have meant so much to me, you will never know how much I appreciate you.......I admire you for learning to deal with this pain....I thought I was dealing quite well, until hubby got into this mode that sadden me so much....

    I plan to have a talk with him tonight.....hoping he will listen and understand at least a bit of what I'm feeling emmotionally.....and your replies have lead me to this have a talk with him, explain what my heart is feeling, not my back, nor my leg, nor my arm.....just my heart....

    I have a very loving much love to give, it overflows....and when I get hurt it is hard for me to recover.....I can forgive, but the words are there and have a hard time going away....if you know what I mean.....

    The pain is very bad right now.....I am thinking of calling the Spine doc tomorrow to see if I need to change pain meds....these seem to have almost stopped working, maybe an hour and 1/2 ......but they don't take it away....nothing has so is 24/7.....sometimes not as severe as others though.....

    The WC has really done me wrong...making me wait so long for the surgery, not paying me until they have to, to keep within the law....not letting me go for the arm pain.....and I have no personal medical insurance unfortunately....I was single and could not afford it, had a cancer diagnosis and now they don't want to insure me.....I am cancer free as far as we know now.....and I thank God for that.....

    Hubby and I married in May 2003, he came here from England to marry me, immigrated and when we returned from our honeymoon, we had a letter in the mail stating I had was a HARD start for us.....then I got over that and got hurt with this back thing.....I think I got worried that he might just wonder sometimes WHY he ever came over here to me....ya know????

    He has just called as I am typing this, to say he loves me....I think he realised that he was a bit hard on me the weekend......and is sorry for it....

    Thank you again for reading and replying.....I am so glad I posted....I needed to get these fears and feelings out.....and your kind words have made a lot of difference!!

    Praying for each of you that you might be pain free,

    ((((((hugs))))) memorize

    Old 07-05-2006, 06:42 PM   #8
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    Re: I am so sad....pain is worst and I don't know what to do anymore!

    As has been said in other threads of this nature and I will admit I didnt read the replies as I dont have much time at the moment.

    Your hubby is just getting tired of it at the moment. I'm sure he still loves you and is just worn down. Is it possible to get a family member or good firned to come in and clean up even just for one day and give you guys a chance to spend some personal time together wether that be just talking about things or watching movies or something non active you can do together. Maybe just get out of the house and go to a park for a relaxing lay down and chat if you can. May give him and you a bit of a break and a relax. Recharge his and your emotional batteries a little. Just a thought.

    Last edited by knight76; 07-05-2006 at 06:51 PM.

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