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  • Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

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    Old 03-26-2007, 12:12 AM   #1
    orchidflower24
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    Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Hi Everyone!
    I had an ALIF lumbar fusion L4-L5 on September 12, 2006.
    My sweet husband had a major meltdown today, and I am very concerned about him. Some of his comments were regarding the fact that I am not the only one in pain and
    that everything done is done for me. Has anyone else had
    these kinds of issues in their relationship; and if you went to counseling, did that help? I have had back and leg pain more intensely and have been on a pain medications for the last four years. He has been very supportive, and we have been married for 32 years this May.

    I am wilting today in sadness for my husband....

     
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    Old 03-26-2007, 04:37 AM   #2
    yvette777
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    I do realize when we are going through this, it is the whole family being affected not just us. I have been dealing with a complete lack of caring, compassion and concern, empathy or general love. It sucks, I am two weeks post op.

    I am sure they don't think we realize how much they have got to take on, and how much we really did. I know its hard on the entire family.

     
    Old 03-26-2007, 04:37 AM   #3
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Hugs orchid!! I can understand how a spouse could become frustrated seeing their partner in pain day after day after day after day after day. Remember that you are not the only one living this horrific journey in life. (Note to myself: Remember to tell hubby how much you love him tonight).

    When you are in pain, they are in pain or exhausted from trying to pick up the slack household wise. I imagine if you are anything like me you don't do the things that you used to love to do (going out to dinner, going to church, sightseeing, scuba diving, etc.). Remember his life has undergoine major changes to............

    With that said, he did take you in sickness and health.....................

     
    Old 03-26-2007, 05:41 AM   #4
    Jack24
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    123dietdrpepper,

    Agree. I too have these concerns. What has help lately for me is to not say "Oh my back hurts" or the equivilent so much. My wife knows without hearing from me. I try to do what I can around the house by adapting to what I can do and not using the back thing as an excuse to get out of work or play the pitty role. I stay active in our church as well. The more you can stay active with the needs of others the less time you have to dwell on your on pain. Everyone has life issues. People gravitate toward people that make them feel good and away from those that make them feel sad. To much complaining drives people away.

    Counseling may be necessary. I talked with my wife about it but she decided we don't need it yet. I'm leaving it up to her.

    I still work as best I can to bring money to the household. We are a little to young for SS or medicare but old enough to be in what is called our "Golden years" though for me it is more like rusted metal.

    I try to keep my complaining confined to internet sites. It gives me an outlet for relief.

    Foremost I tell myself daily it is not about life in this world but preparing us for an eternity in the next where there is no pain. It gives me something to look forward to.

     
    Old 03-26-2007, 06:27 AM   #5
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    My husband and I had a big conversation or fight around the 2 1/2 week. It was real bad. I did not realize that at the time my back issue did and still does effect the whole family. They worry and are concerned daily and also have to deal with what we can't.

    This really opened my eyes and I realized that since I am the sole income person that it bothered him if I should become disabled. I have dealt with chronic pain for over a year and he has been great.

    If this surgery fails then everything changes.

     
    Old 03-26-2007, 07:15 AM   #6
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Sorry did not really get to finish my post as I accidently pushed the wrong button.

    We had a long talk about our lives and health as he is disabled. We still have one child (15) at home and will do everything we can to make it thru till she is on her own. If kids are ever on their own I am not sure but at least until she is self supportive. We have a nice camper that is paid for and a truck to pull it that is paid for. If I lose my ability to bring in income then our plan of action is to have our camper as our home. It is real nice has a bedroom with a queen size bed.

    We have been together for 21 years and our love just grows and grows. I just have to learn how to handle the stress of not being able to do what I have always done. I compare it to when he got sick and lost the ability to provide for the family. Very hard and stressful

    Emontions is a real part of back issues because it affects everything we do or used to do. I still try real hard to maintain our lives.

    We haven't gone to church in a few weeks because of my ability to sit for so long so we watch a service on tv. We try to find different ways to do everything we used to.

    I do want to mention that my hubby has been great thru this he just has had his moments of I don't know what to do to make it better and that hurts him.

    Communication seems to be the key not just talking but listening. Listen to how the family feels and they will listen to how we feel.

    Just my 2 cents worth

     
    Old 03-26-2007, 11:06 AM   #7
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Orchidflower, I am sorry that your husband and you are going thru this. I had my fusion on July 19th 2006. I have not gone back to work yet. I will probally be permantley disabled because of a surgery that I choose to have. My husband was very supportive. We decided together that the surgery would be best. The odds seemed to be in my favor. I am the percent of the people that it does not work and am in turn worse then before the surgery.
    I feel very gulity that I have done this to our life. I know that my husband wishes that there is something he could do to help me. I think counseling would be a good idea. We had our 25th anniversary in November. We have never been to counseling. But I feel that sometime in the future we will. Your husband is maybe depressed. You should have that check out.
    Sorry for the rambeling, side effect of the meds. I have more to say but it probally is not that relevant.
    I hope that everything will be okay for you and your husband. I know it is not easy to be upset when you are trying to heal. So amke sure to take care of yourself.

     
    Old 03-26-2007, 01:17 PM   #8
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Hi Orchidflower,
    I wonder if your husband is feeling a lot like a stay-at-home mom sometimes feels: does a ton of stuff, but it largely goes unnoticed. Or perhaps it's noticed, but no one thinks to mention that it's appreciated. Maybe he just needs to hear out loud how much you appreciate him and all he does. Maybe plan a special evening for him like a surprise party to thank him (with other people doing the preparations for you), or maybe some time out with the guys. Maybe he just needs a break. We moms know how important that is every once in a while!

    I'm not saying that you don't appreciate him, just that he might need to hear it a little more loudly than usual. This is a stressful time for you, but it's a stressful time for him, too.

    I wish you both the best as you deal with all the "issues" that go with our back problems.

    Blessings,
    Emily

     
    Old 03-26-2007, 01:38 PM   #9
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Hi Orchidflower,

    I understand what you are going through right now. It has been difficult for him and I. He has been very supportive and does the things that I cannot do right now. I know it is hard on him and try to thank him every time he does things around the house. I am dealing with my own frustration and his with coping with the pain and getting an answer and relief to it. Sometimes he can really get on my nerves when he thinks he knows exactly what is going on, but, I have to remember that it is because he doesn't like to see me like this. I feel guilty quite often about the things I used to do and now don't. I think the key is talking things through. Maybe counseling would be a benefit. I know I am not giving you words of wisdom, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Keep posting and talking.

    Angie

     
    Old 03-26-2007, 10:04 PM   #10
    orchidflower24
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    [I]Thank you everyone for your replies...I appreciate your support and prayers.

    Dear LuvMyBeagle: You said that your surgery was in July of last year. I was told by the nurse practioner that it could take up to a year for the pain to subside. What kinds of pains are you having now? I am having a lot of nerve pain, causing knife-like pains in my rear and major muscle spasms in my right hip and lower back....worse than before surgery[/I]Like you, my husband and I decided together that surgery would be the answer to the ddd problem, and he has been thinking that I would be healed by now. He says he understands and shows me that he does, but then; yesterday, he had a major meltdown, which only showed me that he is having a rough time dealing with all of my issues. ( I also, have been diagnosed with MS, which is affecting my sensory system, by making my nerves hyperactive....so that is not helping) But now, my husband has apologized to me, said that his yelling at me yesterday was all his fault and doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I know that it sounds like he is depressed, but I don't think that he will go to counselor with me. I will try, for his sake. Oh, I neglected to say that he was planning on retiring from his job on April lst of this year, but doesn't want to until I am feeling better. I understand him, but that puts a lot of pressure on me, I think. I am sorry for rambling on, but I don't know what to do...I don't like to push problems under the rug...I want to put them on the table and deal with them! He doesn't.
    I hope and pray that everyone who reads this is able to have a less painful day today. Blessings to all of you.

     
    Old 03-27-2007, 04:59 AM   #11
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    I bet the retiring thing has something to do with his frustration. All of us look forward to being able to retire and enjoy life. Maybe he feels sadden by the fact with your health you might not have the luxury of traveling, etc.

    Take care.

     
    Old 03-27-2007, 05:32 AM   #12
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Well that's good he apologized and is trying to talk it out with you. My husband...doesn't qualify as a husband to me anymore. I feel like I have been kicked when i am at my worst phyisically. He treats me like crap every single day or ignores me completeley, which is better. After finding out who your real friends are, this has been the icing on the cake, if I had a way to leave I would. I feel like I am in prison. Sorry, venting.

    I hope you guys can work it out. I know your situation probably isn't like mine.

     
    Old 03-27-2007, 09:43 AM   #13
    sandim
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Yvette,
    I am sorry to read about your husband not being supportive of you and being a general donkey's behind. Has he always been like this or is it something that has started since your surgery?
    I am thankful that my husband is being supportive now, but I had my shoulder reconstructed back in 95 and he wasn't so supportive back then. It almost cost us our marriage because he acted like such a jerk......but thankfully he pulled his head out of his hiney and got back to the guy that I married.
    Sandi

     
    Old 03-27-2007, 01:11 PM   #14
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    I think your situation is somewhat common. If there is any stress at all in the relationship, a chronic pain sufferer can be sure that both partners feel the pain even if only one is actually IN pain. Counseling is always something to think about, especially if this meltdown is not just an isolated incident and if there are other aspects to the relationship that could use some "airing". My good partner of 15 years (we don't live together) has done a virtual disappearing act since my surgery and subsequent walking problems. It's because I'm not fun anymore. I certainly won't break it off because I actually understand what he means, but I also don't assume anything or depend on him. If he can't do it, do I really want him to? I'm sorry for your pain and for the added stress of an unhappy partner. Hang in there.

     
    Old 04-03-2007, 04:58 AM   #15
    rachelmc
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    Re: Husband having problems dealing with my long term back pain

    Hi,
    i have been married for 16 years in october ,have had bad back for 5 years in october and while my hubby has never has such a meltdown Im scared that he is thinking everything that your hubby voiced orchidflower24.
    But like other people have posted it must be so hard to be the "HEALTHY AND ABLED" partner. I know in my household hubby leaves for work between 6 and 7 am and knocks off at 5pm then takes over the looking after of our 3 kids as well as getting tea (sometimes i have at least prepared it).
    When the weather is warm i can do more around the house but in winter i find it hard to even move. .
    I find the best way to keep a happy house is to tell hubby regulary that i love him more and more all the time and what he does for me is above and beyond what is expected of him and how much i appreciate it.
    hugs to all rachelmc

     
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