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    Old 04-05-2011, 03:10 PM   #16
    Kazearymir
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    --big hugs for you-- you go girl!

    Always remember, it's not YOU that is broken. It's "just" your back; a bit of your anatomy. YOU are still you

    I'm sure you have plenty of other people in your life who are capable of empathy and understanding. Stick with them

     
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    Old 04-05-2011, 05:05 PM   #17
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Hum, I never even thought about an infection, but it's certainly possible. Hopefully the cause will be found. It might be better if it's an infection that can be cured with antibiotics, I don't know. Make sure you tell your new docs that your back was feeling better while taking antibiotics for the asthma. That could be a major clue for them.

    As for Lupus, I don't want to get too in-depth on this board being there is a separate Lupus board, but it's an autoimmune disease. To put it in simpler terms, it's sort of like your body is allergic to itself in many ways. It's an overactive immune response which can potentially cause a lot of damage, though not everyone has a serious case of it. It can cause a type of arthritis. I was told by my former Rheum that lupus doesn't affect the spine, however, I've heard from others that it can. But as far as I know, what I have going on in my spine is totally separate....it's OA, though now I'm having blood tests done for several other things including Sjogren's Syndrome and a genetic test of ANkylosing Spondylitis. I was also told by this new Rheum I should see a dermatologist again for the rashes on my legs...she said it looked to her like psoriasis and that there's another inflammatory spine disorder called psoriatic arthritis. I have a lot of symptoms of some of these disorders, but then again, with all these conditions, there can be a lot of overlap and not necessarily very easy to diagnose.

     
    Old 04-05-2011, 07:48 PM   #18
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    All I can say is that I also have chronic pain from various things including a bad back. I hardly wanted to be touched and my back was always the scapegoat for most things. My relationship ended after over a decade. When I met my new partner, I fell madly in love with him and nothing would stop me from being with him not even my back. Suddenly my back was not an issue. Yes I was still in pain, but my desire for him was stronger than the pain soooo.... I don't know in my case I was probably with the wrong person initially and my unhappiness manifested in many ways including not wanting to be physical. The right man comes along and it's a whole different story....

    Last edited by Teacupforme; 04-05-2011 at 07:50 PM.

     
    Old 04-06-2011, 05:25 AM   #19
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Kazearymir,

    TY for your kind words- I know I'm not 'broken ' as he put it- just broken in his eyes is all. And thank god, I do have a few friends that are standing by waiting for my word- to move me- and make both of our lives happy again. It's just sad that ppl have to act like this- after so many years.
    Hope you have a great day !
    Chris

    Baybreeze,

    I was kinda dumbfounded when I heard infection to, but I do remember that when I was on those meds, my back pain was minimal- and then came back within a wk of being off them.

    I'm sorry you have to go through all of those test, but I do hope that they find the culprit to your pain. I to have psoriasis, though it's not really that bad yet- I had my worst attack of it- when I was starting my divorce- it truly made me sick- had it in the palms of my hands- it was terrible- but when that stressful part of my life was over- it calmed and has stayed at a acceptable level so to speak- if I stress to much about something it will start to show up all over again.
    Good luck with your tests, I hope they get what ever is causing you more pain- and give you some piece of mind.
    Have a good one !
    Chris

    Hi Teacupforme,

    Thanks for stopping by and reading my post/and your response. I'm so happy that you found the right man for you , but for me- that is not an issue- I don't plan on leaving him- and finding anyone at this point . This part of my life isn't working as planned, and I need to move on. We will both be better off in the end . I just know in my heart that if it were him, I would be soooooooo much more understanding of his limitations.

    I know a few ppl that have moved on, and have found someone that is so understanding and loving- even with limited intimacy. It's available, but I won't be looking for it anytime soon LOL. Yes , being with someone that your not happy with ( for whatever reasons) will make you feel worse all over - that's just the stress affecting every part of our being. But I know, for me- I won't be able to handle sex - frequently- with my back and neck issue as they stand. I will focus on me, getting as strong as I can mentally and physically. That and some good friends around should put me where I will feel comfortable for awhile
    I wish you much happiness with your new love-
    Have a wonderful day
    Chris

    Last edited by Brnt2acrisp; 04-06-2011 at 05:28 AM.

     
    Old 04-06-2011, 07:00 AM   #20
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    I've given up on dating until I get my back back. The problems I keep facing is that a lot of the post-op planning and facilitating is centered on having someone else there to help pretty much 24/7. I don't want to start dating just to have a caretaker, but I am fustrated with the general planning that the surgeons have in place.

    As far as sex drive is concerned, it's still there, but there's no way I could be in a relationship with the current levels of pain. I'm hoping that when the recovery is going nicely, I can start back into the dating pool. Until then, it's better for me emotionally not to put someone else through the problems I'm going through - not fair to her or me.

     
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    Old 04-06-2011, 07:36 AM   #21
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Hi Jazdaddy,

    Thanks so much for your response. I needed to hear a mans point on this subject . I had been with him for most of our lives- I truly thought that if anyone would know me....it would have been him. I didn't mask any of my injuries - he knew completely what I was going through. I believe now, that he was hoping against hope that I wasn't as bad as I truly am. I know now, that - like you had said - we have to focus on us- and getting us where we need to be physically and emotionally.

    I to still have a desire, but my mind ( from the pain ) and body want nothing to do with it most of the time. It's so hard, when the other person wants to be intimate everyday. My body/pain can't handle that - I really do end up with more pain for 3-4 days after ( on top of the daily normal pain ). If he was a new person in my life, I could understand - but we have had such a long history between us- he just needs to have someone that "can " physically accommodate his needs and desires- unfortunately it's not me.

    As for your issue of 24/7 post-op care, is there some way your insurance company can pay for you to at least have someone come in during the day to help you with everything( what about a rehab facility )- and then maybe family/friends could take a bit of the night shifts ? Just till you are able to be left alone- that's the hard part about being single through this- I hope you can get the help you need/ so that you may recover and regain you life back
    Thanks again,
    Chris

     
    Old 04-06-2011, 08:00 AM   #22
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    The physical/mental dichotomy of a relationship is difficult enough when both sides are healthy and rarin' to go. A problem with physical intimacy is usually harder on a man. Sorry - that's pretty much the way we're built.

    It's difficult for a lot of guys that are in a relationship (or outside one) to turn down the sex drive, and it can get in the way of rational thought. Hopefully he can readjust the mental side and realize that the pain isn't anything you can do much about. It might be rough, but both of y'all need to at least give it a shot. Maybe a couples counselor might be an option. And forgive me for being frank, but there's multiple options for satisfying a guy...

     
    Old 04-06-2011, 09:43 AM   #23
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Oh hun i sooo wish i could make things better for you!....you sound like a kind and loving person! you need someone to have sympathy for you!.....and someone to listen and help you its all part of the healing process and make syou feel better as a human being!....i have been dealing with my back for 6 years and yes its a pain in the a$$ im 39 years old been married to hubby since i was 15 sex isnt everything its one thing! that makes a realtionship and im gonna tell ya what i told my hubby i will not hurt myself for you and threw him a jar of vaseline yeap sounds mean but I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ME SO I CAN GET BETTER TO TAKE CARE OF US WHEN WHERE OLD! ALL THE BEST TO YOU HUGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
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    Old 04-06-2011, 11:01 AM   #24
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Jazdaddy,

    I guess I asked for that one for what I had posted earlier on LOL. Intimacy is a hard part in any relationship- let alone when one is hurting 24/7. I agree with you on the "MULTIPLE OPTIONS", but I have to disagree with you on that's the way you're all built. If that was true, then why are so many couples doing fine w/o alot of intimacy? We could have a wonderful time one day, and the next day it's like that never happened- and he wants it again and again- everything nothing that will be any less than 1-2 hrs . I can't be expected to perform daily, knowing full well that I will be in alot more pain for 3-4 days to come at least. I just saw my doc, and he agreed with me, that because of our "Sat romp" when on Thurs/Fri I was already starting to flare up- that this extra pain now is from "having fun"- he said it should take 5-7 days to pass at least- that's if I don't do any more. Today is the first day, I can actually move about without to much pain-I can't keep putting myself through this. Do you think he would for me ???? I know" NOT" .

    I would love to say, that we'll try counseling, but when the man won't even admit to me " what he said to me" (his apology)- I don't see spending money when you know the other person won't be truly honest. His only joy in life is sex- those are his words not mine. I just feel it's time to admit defeat with this- why keep putting each other through all of this, only getting more angry with one another. His idea of working at it, means sex , sex , and lets not forget make -up sex.
    Thanks again for your advise
    Chris

    Hi Jeanniebugs71,

    Thank you so much- kinda needed that. Women seem to understand more- that makes sense. I've tried, but I'm just real tired of being asked if" I'm ready". On any given day, I will hear that phrase-at least 5 times. We see each other only ,maybe 3 hours a day - then he's asleep. I'm woken in the night - to his fondling - this is frustrating to us both. I don't wake up Happy- I haven't since I started taking the pain meds- I don't sleep well, therefor I don't like to be woken up for that, Now back in the day, waking me up was great- I was happy, I made him happy - all was good. Life is changed and only one of us, has received the memo with that info....

    Kudos to you !!! loved that statement- a bit harsh ...yes ...maybe- but he's given you the space you needed- so that you may take care of yourself. He got the message , no doubt- but he's still with you, and still in love the girl he married 24 years ago - true love ..... I knew someone had to find it ..... cause I sure didn't LOL.

    Like I had said , if this ends-not looking anytime soon. I need to find me again- I was happier- maybe cause I didn't hurt inside so much - from the feeling of letting someone down all the time. He told me that I had said I make sacrifices for you as you do for us - yet he doesn't feel that hurting myself more is a sacrifice ??? He is actually sarcastic right now with me- I've been is so much more pain these past few days- where is the sympathy??? Don't need his, will live off of the care and sympathy from friends for the time being- and the few on here who know what it's like to live with chronic pain.
    Thanks for your comforting words
    Hope you have a blessed day
    Chris

    Last edited by Brnt2acrisp; 04-06-2011 at 11:02 AM.

     
    Old 04-06-2011, 12:16 PM   #25
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Just a quick reply. It pretty much is the way that we're built, but the reason that a number of couples work things out is that you can have control and understanding of those type of things if you apply yourself as a man. It's part of the contract you make as a couple, in a marriage or not.

    I went to couples counciling with my girlfriend a number of years ago, and we had made a significant amount of progress on pretty much the same issues you talked about before we decided to call it quits because of unrelated things.

     
    Old 04-06-2011, 03:16 PM   #26
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Jazdaddy,

    My bad, I'm sorry - you do seem to have a bit more knowledge here than I do - We also did the counseling thing years ago- but our counselor was more geared at pleasing the man- than she was at helping him with his issue. The only thing we walked away with there, was him taking advantage of a bad situation- and sleeping with my best friend( or what I considered to be my b/f )- just to prove to me that he could find another that wanted it as much as him. Needless to say, I lost a lot there-with him and have never really been able to trust him 100 %- the other person - is gone ( feels like she died ) in my heart.

    He doesn't see a problem with him- only me, as I'm always in pain and hardly ever want to fool around. I think alot of this is that I never get the chance to actually miss him, as he is constantly asking for it. It feels like a chore, not the way making love should feel- and it hurts physically during and after- so there is always that burning in my head.

    I'll try to talk to him, but I can almost guarantee that he will only blow up in my face- blaming me and my issues more than anything. I know he's been talking to a girl that he has been interested in for a bit- one he met before we got back together. He thinks I have no idea- they chat almost daily, and he tells her[U] everything[/U]- it's not just a friend type thing- they both are interested in the other- why hide it- be adults and go with it, and stop hurting me because I can't be the person I was 5 years ago. I almost just want to say- go with her, see if that is truly what you need- I do understand that he has needs, like I said- I just can't physically handle them right now.

    Sorry I dumped all that on you- it's so hard to explain- without going into some of the past
    Thanks again for you advise
    Chris

     
    Old 04-08-2011, 08:40 AM   #27
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    [FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="Navy"]Chris,
    I wanted to add another perspective from a man's point of view. I too have a lot of back problems. I am looking at a failed fusion (second surgery). I have been taking oxycodone for a long time now.

    I have zero sex drive. I think a lot of it is caused by the medicine but I also know that I will pay for it pain wise regardless of the position tried. I am extremely fourtunate to have an understanding wife. She defianately has no concern that I am going elsewhere. I do still get a stray comment but I try to let them pass. When I say that I have zero sex drive, I mean zero. Without being too graphic, the trooper hasn't risen to the occasion for a long time.

    I try to make sure that she knows that it isn't her in any way. All I can do is hope that she listens. This thing called chronic pain effects us in more ways than one. I dont think that someone who hasn't experianced it could understand. As for your other half expecting it two or three times a week, in my humble opinion thats asking too much.

    I wish you the best of luck and want you to know that you are not alone.
    "Joe"[/COLOR][/FONT]

     
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    Old 04-08-2011, 09:47 AM   #28
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    [B]Hi Joe, [/B]

    TY so very much for your response, I totally appreciate any advise that I can get here. I know all to well how this pain and my meds have thrown a wrench into my everyday life- not to mention the damage it has done to me, with every relationship I have ie. friends-family- Loss of employment.

    I agree with you on these meds altering our lives to the negative. I know the meds are a major part of all this- the pain is also constant, and the fear that I will hurt more severe/ for longer after the fact doesn't help either.

    I've tried to talk with him about this, and all I get is "I'm not asking for much, just to be able to make love to you a few times a week " He says that I should be able to handle this- even though he knows first hand that I will be in more pain instantly. Just weds. evening he started with it, I said ok..... knowing full well that I had just spent the past week almost unable to walk because of back spasms- I had just started to move with minimal pain - AND HE HAD TO BE RELIEVED ! He went to so far as to be as gentle as he has EVER BEEN. Yet still the pain was back full force- the spasms. The next morning he was asking for it again- that's when I suggested to him " use Vaseline and your hand "!!!! I was so angry, he knew I was in pain/ and he needed WHAT ??? I prolly only got about 4 1/2 hours of sleep that night b/c of the pain. He just had it , not even 12 hrs before. The night before, was not quick, more like 1 1/2 hours. He just refuses to accept this, and I can't even begin to accept things the way the have been. He even said this morning that he's planning to do this again .... tonight or maybe Sat morning, but either way he's expecting me to be READY - I can't live like this- it's putting way to much stress on me - I can't catch a break with him- I'm either giving into him and suffering or I'm worried 24/7 that he's going to be pushing the issue and all that does is cause me more tension and stress - with severe pain.

    I could probably take the comments , if I knew in my heart that he didn't mean them. But I know better, and I heard first hand some of the nasty **** he says about me- to his friends- regarding my condition and our lack of sex - due to my pain. Yet when he walks through the door here, it's I love you - I want you soooooooooooo bad - you get my point. I just feel like no matter what I do , it will truly never be enough. If I could do this 2 times a wk, he would push for 3 and so on and so on.

    Thank you again for letting me know that I'm not alone in this- it truly helps to know someone understands
    I hope you have a wonderful day- god bless
    Chris

    Last edited by Brnt2acrisp; 04-09-2011 at 05:30 AM.

     
    Old 04-08-2011, 11:32 AM   #29
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    [FONT="Century Gothic"][COLOR="Navy"]Chris,

    I'm sorry for the responses that you get from him. I don't agree with it at all. I understand where he is coming from to a small degree. BUT, intamcy requires both. If sex causes pain, it's not enjoyable not to mention extremely difficult to achieve arousal. In my opinion causing you more pain. I wish I had an answer to help you out but the only one I could give would seem to lead to conflict. I'll just be blunt... He should be practicing a little self love to alleviate some of his tension. Makes you wish you had a little good ole "salt peter" around. Just kidding.

    I cant figure out why he would make comments such as those other than to save face in front of his friends. You would think he would be a little more adult than that. I have learnt over the years that those aren't neccessary. Simply put.. if they need comments like that, then they aren't worth the time.

    In short, I agree with you. Odd coming from a man huh? It helps so much to know where you are coming from. As for the meds, I may sacrifice sex but at least I have a home life with my wife and daughter. I refuse to be an absent father because of this.

    Best of luck to you, your feelings and pain have to be considered by him!
    Joe [/COLOR][/FONT]
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    Old 04-08-2011, 02:26 PM   #30
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Joe,

    Thank you so much, your words have made the difference. He won't change, I should have know better. Anyway- this w/e is gonna be rough here, we have some other issues to deal with regarding other stuff, and I'm sure I'll be the a#%ho*+ in the end- LOL. Wish me luck - sure gonna need it. Take care and may you have a great w/e yourself.
    Chris

     
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