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    Old 04-11-2011, 11:04 PM   #31
    dovecottage
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    I understand I spent the last 2 years fighting death pain, yes I love my husband but I was either over medicated and still in pain or I was drunk because of the pain. J was fighting for my life and not doing a very good job of it. I told my husband1x a week if I have control over my pain. I like you took days to recover from sleeping with my husband. I had my back fused , stopped drinking and I m on a low dose Percoset. I have some pain but it is tolerable.Will your pain subside? What type of treatment are you using? Have your other half read this post. Unless you have experienced this pain people will never fully understand. Good luck Linda

     
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    Old 04-12-2011, 02:31 PM   #32
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    HI Linda,

    Thanks for responding, I appreciate all the advise I can get on this. I have been fighting this since 06- between the drs. and lawyers- and trying to hold together any and all of my relationships. It is never ending-mine isn't happy with one time a week. I've tried, and he just gets so mean and nasty- with his comments. I take so many drugs through out the day, and most of the time I only get about 1 hour out of 6 that I feel comfortable. And honestly the desire for it has faded because of the pain and meds. Even if we are together in that hour- I will suffer for it for days to come. No matter what I do , I don't feel it will ever truly be enough to keep him satisfied. I haven't had surgery, but am looking into all the possibilities as I can't go on like this forever. The pain is constant, I can't even sleep through the night anymore- I'm up like 3-4 times in a 6 hour period- I'm exhausted all the time b/c I don't get the proper rest. I try to lay down for a few hours each day, but we all know how that works out- very few and far between times of actual rest.

    We have been fighting / or not talking for the past week. One minute he wants me to leave- and the next it's like " I love you so much" I can't take the bipolar mood swings with him. He won't say much to me, but lord knows when he gets with his friends, I'm no good down to the core. What exactly does someone love about the other if all they ever say is negative, insulting, degrading comments to everyone else around about the other person. I've held my tongue for some time know, I've only recently started talking to my friends about all of this- You know, you hate to say something, when you know your gonna hear this - I TOLD YOU SO !!!

    I just really am starting to believe that we, are not sexually compatible any longer. It's sad, but true- I just don't have interest in it , and that is all he thinks about. I can no longer perform the way I did 5 yrs ago, yet he acts like I should be able to - a few times a week. IDK - I try everyday to think of a way, but there is no way to continue this - without me causing my back/neck injuries to flare up uncontrollably. Yeah , I know the way he says to me " I have pain - daily-yet I go to work everyday. Is this thing my fault, I think not !! He sees what I go through with the ice/heat/meds /rest /tens unit/ Chiro/ pain management-......... but I don't get the understanding I feel I deserve.
    Anyway, there is no easy answer, and if things keep going in this direction- I will be gone- he'll see to it.
    Thanks again-
    Chris

     
    Old 04-12-2011, 05:48 PM   #33
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Please re-read all the posts you received and pretend they are written to your daughter even though you may not have one. Pretend your daughter is 35 and you came upon these posts from your daughter asking for advice.How would you respond? How would you respond if the posts were from your sister or best freind? what would be your advice? You are going through some much with the pain etc. You need his crap like you need more pain please take some time to think about what is best for you. I cant imagine having to deal with the pain you are in and the emotional painon top of it . I d like to hear your thoughts and wish you health and peace.

     
    Old 04-13-2011, 06:56 AM   #34
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    GM Linda,

    Thanks for your response, I did read through all of them as you suggested. I hate to say, if that were my daughter,or friend- I would tell them to[B] move on[/B]. It's so much easier to say that , than to actually do it sometimes. I've been looking for a place- but there is nothing around here that I can afford at this point ... so I'm stuck for the moment.

    I totally agree with you , that he is basically causing me more pain- from the emotional bs that he's giving me. I hope things change soon, not with him though- just the circumstances , so I may live in peace. I believe we both will benefit from that, as we don't seem to know what to do - to make the other one happy. We made much better friends, than we do companions- hopefully we may be able to rebuild that part- if not, well there is always the letting go completely- and having no contact at all. What ever it has to be, I will accept it and continue with my life as I move forward.

    Thank you again
    CP

     
    Old 04-13-2011, 11:05 AM   #35
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Wow I just read through all of those posts and there is quite a bit of information and knowledge to gain from this. Another male perspective as I just turned 22 years old and have a herniated disc, DDD and anular tears (I have specifics in my thread if you would like to learn more) http://www.healthboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=842648&goto=newpost

    I started having sharp burning and stabbing pains in my spine since I was 19 years old while deployed to Iraq (been in the army since 18 and went to Iraq for 15 months currently been in the army for 4 years) and I have been wondering a lot of things and no one else seems to provide the information I want/need. I have been taking hydrocodone for quite some time now and it doesnt work and also have noticed a slight decrease in my sexual ability but still try constantly as I am still at (I believe/feel) my prime age! Between the painkillers (numbness/no feeling) and the pain I dont know how I can go on like this for as long as you guys have been. I have a long life ahead of me and a lot of pain to look forward to. My doctors wont prescribe me any stronger pain medication than the hyrdrocodone because of my age and they will only set me up for the steroid injections. I have done 2 of them on the German economy (I am stationed in Germany) and they seemed to put me in more pain and caused more problems than they helped.

    My current problems that I am thinking about for my future is I currently have a girlfriend and am planning on coming back to Germany for her and going to college as a full time student. I have been thinking (I have quite a bit more problems than just a spinal injury) I really dont know if I want to throw all my problems in her lap... I love the girl to death but do I love her so much to be on a selfish level and allow her to be my caretaker or love her so much as to allow her a normal young adults life? I see all of the posts between the few male postings and the numerous female postings and it almost seems thats what I have to look forward to unfortunately. If that is the case, I want to prepare for it ahead of time and not set myself or significant other up for failure.

    As stated I am only 22 years old and am in constant pain. No stronger pain medications will be prescribed due to my age and no surgery due to my age/ level of injury I am currently at. No one will listen to me and everyone thinks I am a drug seeker despite the fact I tell the doctors on a constant basis I do not want stronger pain meds, I want pain relief! I have been trying to hard to come up with solutions such as walking, bike riding, swimming and now I have recently bought a book to learn pilates (yes it sounds weird) but I am willing to go through what ever it takes with out surgery to help with the pain.

    Also does anyone have any ideas as to educate family members? My mom seems to act as if I am being selfish and "whoa is me" as her exact words that i keep saying my spine will not just "fix itself" and it requires surgery. She keeps saying I am always looking on the negative and I feel it is causing stress on my end because I dont know how to explain to her outside of the means I already have. She keeps mentioning her chiropractor because I tell her I have nerve damage and she keeps mentioning other people she knows who have gone to him (chiropractor) with back pain and numbness (not the same as nerve damage). Just like all the other posts, family doesnt understand. How can I? I understand looking on the bright side of all things which I do, I just want to keep her within realistic means so she doesnt keep her heart set on such unlikely outcomes and drops to my level of depression I have started to undergo with my constant pain levels. On top of the my stress levels are also extremely high, I found the Army treats spinal injuries as the LEAST disabled rating throughout ALL medical problems. I got a 10% disability rating (only 10% of my body is messed up) Now I fly to DC to try and prove to them that more than 10% of my body is messed up!

    I am sorry to take over the thread a bit I just wanted to post my problems I guess and add some stuff to this. I dont know if I actually did add anything to the subject/topic but......... I guess I thought I would join in the crowd and see what the "experts" say. Thanks all!

     
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    Old 04-13-2011, 11:10 AM   #36
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    I am so happy to hear you are ready to move on. I cant imagine being in pain and having to live with a difficult person. For your health and sanity move on as quickly as you can, you ll be much happier. Good luck ... Linda

     
    Old 04-13-2011, 12:19 PM   #37
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    [B]Hi TJ,
    [/B]
    Welcome, and thanks for you post. Let me first say THANK YOU - for your service - You are my nephews age- he joined the AF to be pilot- so I worry for him and all of you - that means so much more to me than can words can express .

    I haven't read your thread yet , will do so later-after I get a little nap . First off your so young to have to be suffering from this miserable pain. With your meds issue, I really wouldn't want you to move on to a stronger pain med- although the Hydro's your taking can cause liver problems when taken in larger doses over a long period of time( please be careful ). Can you take anything like Advil ? An anti-inflammatory med will help with the spasms you may suffer from- and swelling. Unfortunately we risk losing our sex drive with these meds and pain. I can't speak from a man's point of view, but a few have responded to my thread- and I'm sure they would give you advise if you messaged them- they we're helpful to me.

    As for your g/f , everyone is different- some ppl are will to stay and help you through this- where is mine , wants no part of me that hurts. I would discuss this with her before you make a decision, she may very well want to stay and be there for you (that's kinda what love is all about ) - I wish you well my friend with that, and I hope you may keep the relationship and find the problems - and get the tx you need.

    Stay as active as you can, b/c being idol causes more pain and stiffness to settle into our bones. Stretching is good, as well as pilates- but be careful, and take your time with it. You don't want to cause anymore problems. Be aware, no matter what you say to a new Physician, family, friends- whom ever- most will secretly think you are drug seeking- mainly because they have no idea what it feels like to have chronic pain. I've read so many post here and on other sites- someone that has never experienced it - will not be able to fathom what it really feels like - how we suffer daily- all day and all night. A prime example - I went to the ER the day after I had been in a car accident ( I was 2 hrs from home- and didn't want to end up in a strange place if I needed help) I took my previous MRI's with me - to explain and show the doc that I had previous injuries - and I tried taking my meds ( they weren't even touching the pain now ) - he came right out and said that he thought I was drug seeking.... he ate those words after taking a CT of my neck and realizing that I now had severe swelling ( in the end 3 herniations to the right side of my neck ) It's ignorance on their part, b/c that is what a drug seeker does- it's hard to find the problem with the neck and back- and even when they do- sometimes you shouldn't have that much pain- well everyone's pain tolerance is different- so YES you can have that pain- keep pushing- you will find the answers- but don't settle for lame excuses on the dr.s part- if there is no money to be made from a pt- they will push you aside- keep fighting till you find an answer that explains what / how your feeling.

    As for your family, have them read our post. We are a group of ppl that have come together over the internet- truly seeking some form of help. We don't want the drugs, but some of us have no choice in the matter- we have to take them. If your Mom read a few of these , she may change her mind. I've been seeing a Chiro for the past 3 + yrs, without him I wouldn't be able to move- but I'm not getting better. I have neck/back/sciatic pain daily- I take Hydro's 4 times a day with Flexeril- of all the meds I only get 1 out of 6 hours were I don't have severe pain. I have Bi-lateral radiculopathy in my neck and back- numbness and tingling daily - I even have this when I sleep - w/o sleeping wrong on an arm/or leg Your not faking this, keep pushing for answers- you are your best advocate- no one else knows the pain you feel - so you have to keep yelling to someone listens. If I were you, I would not take my meds the day of (maybe even the day before) you have your exam- if you can handle it - this way- you will be in a lot of pain- but it's really hard to explain the pain when the meds are masking it. If those docs are anything like comp/disability docs- they are out for themselves and the company they represent.....not you. Just keep pushing and you will get there- not overnight, but in time- don't give up - you deserve to find the problem , possibly have it fixed or tx at least- and to find a pain level that is tolerable for you. Sorry , that's all I have for the moment- need to rest.
    Take care and let us know how your doing.
    CP

     
    Old 04-16-2011, 11:04 AM   #38
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    Unhappy Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Totally burnt out...hence the name LOL- Just taking life day by day, as I don't think I could handle much more at this point. I feel like my insides are going to jump out of my skin- Never really thought that someone could feel so much anger/resentment towards another human being without probable cause.. Really makes you think, if that's the case - WTH do your enemies say about you ???? You know the old saying "keep your friends close, and your enemies even closer " Some how I don't think they meant to live with them !!!!!!!!!!!! ( this is far to nerve wrecking for anyone to handle) I haven't had a calm thought in over a week- my mind is racing on the track of h#ll 24/7. Can't sleep- need some quality rest sooooooooooooon
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    Old 04-21-2011, 06:33 AM   #39
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    So, I say I hate [B]how [/B]sex makes me feel- the increased pain that it causes me for days on end, and all he hears is I HATE SEX. I've tried everything I know- nothing has helped. I do as much as I can to help around here- the kids and I take care of the household chores. Yet in his world..... he hates how I compensate him ie,... housework, laundry, dinner on the table nightly - this is not even close to being anything good in his world. All he wants from me is " for him to be able to make love to me " that's it ! I repeat that in doing so, I have increased pain during and after- he doesn't hear it. Instead I hear that he works , with pain daily- he pays the bills, is it too much to ask that he be able to come home and make love to me ???? Why can't he understand , I don't get it- no matter how I phrase it- it turns into " I'm not giving him what he needs ". I said that I just hate the pain I'm in constantly, and that will cause added pain for days to come. Where as cooking dinner will cause added pain ( temporary ) is calms down as soon as I rest. Taking care of the house and things of that nature - hurt me while doing it, but I recover from it as soon as I rest. Having sex- causes pain instantly and for days following- only to be asked again within that time frame (3-4 days) to " do it again".

    I've tried holding on, but I can't be the woman he needs. It is too much to ask of me !!!! If I had a normal back- it wouldn't be an issue - I'm sorry you don't understand how this effects my life- how I no more than start to get the pain under control again- and you want it again. It's obvious to me that no matter what I do, it will truly never be enough-
    The more I look at this, the more I realize that he is pushing me away. He has repeatedly said to me " you're gonna regret the day when I stop wanting you " . I just don't see anyway to work this out- not even to remain friends in the end. He gets so angry, how am I to be able to just say- this is not working for either of us. B/C when the topic of this being over comes up, he gets so evil towards me and anyone around me.

    I so wish I had a place to go, to get away- out of his house- and life. It truly is nerve wrecking to have to live with someone that only sees their world revolve around " having sex". Unfortunately my world revolves around PAIN - and I have to alter my every move around it. I don't do a lot of things anymore b/c of the pain, or the fact that I won't be able to sit down somewhere to rest, or it's to much on me to walk long distances. It's not just the sex part of my life that has changed, many other things are hard for me to do also. But all he sees is me not giving him sex.......

    In my opinion, he should stop talking to everyone else about us- as his friends and f/m friend are more interested in us not being together- and her taking my place- here and everywhere - stop looking at porn all the time- and maybe focus on something that might help me - ie.. getting in to see the RIGHT DR. , looking into other things that would help me- and and in turn would help us to have a more normal life. Instead I just hear the negative- about the dr.s not doing anything- the SSI still in limbo- . I'm doing everything I can , in all areas - trying to get a proper diagnosis- and treatment. So that my future is better ( hopefully).

    I'm sorry I just needed to vent a bit - I see the answer - it's staring me in the face. But I never like to quit - or fail - and I know, I will never be able to succeed in this - as I have no control over my pain and injuries. I guess in his mind there is nothing without sex - we have nothing else to hold on to- and our many years together mean nothing if he can't have sex A LOT.

    Thanks for reading my post- Hope everyone else is doing better than me
    CP
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    Old 04-21-2011, 09:05 AM   #40
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    [COLOR="Navy"]I certianly aren't going to chastise you. You have come across a person who is a sex addict. He isn't in the relationship because he cares for you. He is in it for the sex plain and simple. You owuld be better off getting him one of those Judy doll that inflates and has all the correct openings. You deserve more.

    A relationship is based on trust and compassion and love-NOT LUST. I will be celebrating my 38th anniversary with my hubby next week. We have had our ups and downs-what married couple hasn't? But for the most part he is considerate of me when the urge comes a callin'. He would never pester me for sex how many times a week...it just isn't in our chemistry.

    I odn't need to tell you what you need to do-you have already figured that part out. Let the rutting boar go somewhere else. He is only concerned with his own satisfaction-not in having a loving relationship.

    And to the guys-pain meds will lower your testoterone level. This can be treated with a cream.[/COLOR]

     
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    Old 04-21-2011, 12:50 PM   #41
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    Re: Chronic pain-and intimacy

    Hi ibake&pray,

    Thanks for your response, I needed to vent and had no other place to do it. I want to congratulate you on 38 years !! How wonderful that must be -So happy for you both , your husband sounds like a nice guy. One who knows how to control himself and not act like a jerk when it comes to sex. I've heard on here and other places that a man CAN control this- which is why I'm so stooped about the attitude mine has. He says he needs me (sex) and that he is always making sure I enjoy myself to the fullest. I don't want to get to graphic, but during said time , he will say "have you had enough?" or do you want me to stop ?... I in turn will reply yes - I'm good- ( in other words I don't need anymore) and he knows this . But since he is the way[B] he is[/B]- he continues. This can go on for 1-1 1/2 hrs. Then he says that I'm the one being greedy- where does that come from? The only words I didn't come out and say where STOP NOW !!! It truly kills my back, it will actually start to go into spasms- I tense up , waiting to reach the point- hoping that it won't be much longer- I've been told that the pain meds I'm on, make it harder for me to reach the point- takes much longer for me- and believe me I would rather NOT reach the point !!! all of this starts a chain reaction- I'm in pain- more now than ever- but he says that he is gentle, and he's careful not to hurt me. Duhhhhh - I hurt 24/7- and being made to lay ( like on the Gyno table ) for that amount of time- tensing non-stop- so that he can get eveything- makes me feel like a cripple within mins.

    We had problems years ago, and have since broke up and got back together now. But at one point we did the counseling thing- I had said back then, that his need to have sex was unrealistic- at that point it was everyday- sometimes twice a day and that wasn't enough. He says, and this has always been his excuse- that the only thing that makes all the bad go away- is for him to be able to make love to me when he gets home. He doesn't believe that he has a problem- Last night, he said ( with attitude ) why the F&*k did you move back in here ????? I personally didn't think that my moving back in with him was so that I could pleasure him at his request. I thought we loved eachother- and wanted to be together. WTH was I thinking ?? I thought that if anyone, could accept me for the way I was ( my injuries/limitations ) it was him- And all along he thought that I was moving back, so that we could BE TOGETHER 3-4 times a week.

    Sorry for the ramble there, I just need to get this off my chest- and reread everything that I've written over and over again. I know it's over, I just have no place to go, and he knows that. So for the time being I have to live in a house with a man that resents me because I have limitations. That's not love- not in my eyes, but in his eyes it is- there is nothing to hold on to, as everyday that passes , I see more clearly that it's just a sex thing ( his way of love ) b/c if I say that to him- he loves me ,and I'm the one that is wrong for not wanting to have it as often as he does.

    Again sorry-
    I hope the two of you have another 38 + years together God Bless you and yours.
    CP
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