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Brnt2acrisp 04-23-2011 08:55 AM

sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
Are there any clear signs of bipolar disorder ? I think - through many years of being with him- certain signs are there. Mood swings, fighting - or disagreeing almost daily( sex, finances-friends-household issues-pets- the list goes on and on) - his put downs directed at most everyone he knows- although he won't do it face to face (except to me and our children ) he seems to be the only person in his world that is normal/ or perfect- at least without much error . His need to have sex, and I say sex- b/c to make love - there has to be some sort of flirting/foreplay leading up to it ( most of the time) I do understand the times when it just happens - almost like a heat of the moment - not just 5 mins in the door, and ARE YOU READY ? I have many things run through my mind about this daily, all I can think of is an addiction/ possible mental disorder- something that would cause someone to act as he does ( something that is clearly NOT visible to the human eye.

We have and continue everyday with issues. Mostly with sex, as you may see from my other threads. Right now, I'm just buying time- till I can get out and on my own again- but I have to deal with this until that time comes. As you may already know, he seems totally into sex- an addiction to him ( or at least that is how HE phrases it to me - "I've been his addiction since the day we met, and he can never get enough of me ) yet in his eyes I'm wrong for feeling this isn't how it's suppose to be. I have problems with my neck and back - I'm in constant chronic pain daily- and having any kind of intimacy only causes me to feel more severe pain instantly and for many days to follow. We fight, or don't speak almost always about this- it's a never ending subject in our house. Daily is what is expected of me- and lord knows I can't even begin to fathom that idea. I gave into him last night as I was just so burnt from the constant fighting/moods that I live with daily. Without giving TMI - I was in severe pain- an hour into this- , but he kept going like we where young lovers- even after I said "I'm in pain- I can't this - and told him I have had enough- You would have to be completely blind not to see the pain it was causing. I moved like a turtle,- in severe pain- and he wouldn't stop until he had been satisfied.

With that said, I sat on the bed for the next 3 hours - hoping and praying the pain would stop. Ice and heat , meds, stretching- nothing helps , but I had to try- I always have to ride it out, and wait till I pass out. As he slept, and would wake up and see me- and then would have a comment about me sitting up- watching tv-" you should go to sleep- no wonder your always tired and hurting "- I was tired, but I was also in more uncontrollable pain b/c you [B]had[/B] to have sex !!!! Then this morning he was telling me that [B]I[/B] was so into it, he KNOWS that I wanted him last night, and he soooooooooo wants to do it again...... like maybe tonight !!???? This seems to be the only thing on his mind, well over all the other issues that couples deal with on a daily basis. What would be the norm, on how often couples engage in intimacy- ones that have chronic pain or suffering to some degree would be better knowledgeable for my situation- although I would appreciate any wisdom you have to offer here. To me , this does not sound like the mind of a stable / loving person- there are so many other things that I could keep saying about us- far to much to get into.

I do sound like a broken record, and I'm sorry for that. But I don't know what else to do, to buy me some time till I can change this. I also would just like clarification in some form I guess. Why would someone choose to continue treating someone like this ( if there wasn't anything physically/mentally/emotionally wrong with them ? Can someone act like this, and still be normal in a sense ? Is it just pure evil- or control issues ? Really how do we explain this behavior- is it one problem ( Me / addiction ) or possibly two or more issues that I just don't see. I'm really concerned about the whole thing, as we have children together - and I know I wouldn't want them to have to live like this/ or act like this either. Any ideas, or advise- if any of this sounds familiar please let me know how you handled it.
Thanks so much for anything you may have to offer on this :)

joebob254 04-23-2011 09:22 AM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="Navy"]Still going on I see. I am so very sorry for you. I wish I had the answers for you but I feel that I don't.

As for the sexual addiction, It's possible. Me personally, my sex drive was never high enough for once a day every day. Maybe close when I was a teenager. Bi-Polar or OCD seems like an accurite diagnosis.

Here is something that I want you to consider. Are you in a domestic violence situation? He knows the sex will cause you to hurt extremely badly but yet he essentially forces you to do it due to the relentless ranting and raving. All the crap he gives you pretty much forces you to do it against your will. I've said it before, I don't agree with his actions at all and hope that you understand that his actions are not representative of all men, especially me. The more I read about this the more it P**ses me off:mad:.

I have to say that I'm worried for you. Other than the sex, is there any violence going on in the house toward you or the children? If there is I would urge you to seek a restraining order and contact police. We call them orders of protection in my state. Also you may want to speak with a victim advocate to see if there are any state resouces out there for you and your children while you make this transition. Domestic violience laws have gotten some teeth over the last decade.

I hope there is more I can do to help you.
Good luck and God bless,

teteri66 04-23-2011 10:02 AM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
I don't think anyone but a trained psychiatrist or perhaps, a psychologist could say what all is going on with your partner. It certainly sounds like there are "control" issues going on. There is a lot of basic information online for sexual addiction and bipolar disorder. You could scan through some articles just to get a basic understanding of common symptoms...but it is a tricky area as many of the "personality" disorders share some common behaviors.

There are some common symptoms of bipolar disorder that are used for diagnosis. I think it is OK to post this from HealthBoards' sister site:

It seems to me that he is clearly self-centered and looks at the whole world from that position. I have a close family member who is bipolar. It is typical behavior to believe that what he(the person with bipolar disorder) believes (whatever the topic) is the only way it could be...and there is a genuine surprise and disbelief when it is pointed out that others might feel differently. Of course, HE is correct, and everyone else is wrong. To us this would seem illogical, but to that person, it makes no difference if all people think differently or know something to be true -- if he feels otherwise, he is correct.

As I understand it, people with a true sexual addiction have other behaviors as well, such as having multiple partners because one person cannot satisfy the "addicted" person; watching porn; masturbating; generally just engaging in activities concerning sex, thinking about sex, etc. all the time.

From your description, it seems that your partner has no regard for how you feel about the relationship, or for your needs or wishes. Whether the guy is just a louse or has some serious personality disorders, it sounds like he is unlikely to seek help....

Would it make any difference if you took him with you to your doctor's appointment and had the specialist explain to him how much pain sex causes you? I kind of doubt it, because, from your description, it does sound like there is a lot going on there...issues of control as well as whatever personality disorders he might have, etc.

I personally have never had experience with a man who wouldn't back off when it became clear that my "no" was not a teasing one, but a serious "no". Perhaps there was then some discussion as to why...but, that was the end of it. This was before I was married, and long before I had back problems. My husband managed to understand that I just didn't even want to be touched as I was going through my various surgeries. So from my perspective, what you are experiencing is anything but "normal," whatever that is. :eek: There has to be respect between a couple for a relationship to work, on any level. He just sounds like he never moved past the narcissistic phase of development...and cannot think beyond his wants and needs.

I'm really sorry you have to put up with all this, and hope you will be able to make some changes soon.

sassy411 04-24-2011 08:21 AM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
I'm less concerned with "him" & "his" diagnosis than I am about your well being. Does a diagnosis really matter? Is he the type of person who will seek therapy & seriously work it?

I agree about the DV issue. You are being abused & you are the one in need of support. Most communities have some type of DV facility with counseling & other services.

< edited >

Please understand that when you are involved with an abuser, it's easy to get caught up in spending all of your energy trying to figure out & manage "him".

I think it's time to make it about "you" & your need for support & an environment that allows you to heal.

Brnt2acrisp 04-25-2011 11:32 AM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help

Thank you for you reply. Yes unfortunately he is still at it. The w/e was long to say the least. Although he disappeared on Sat for like 10 hours w/o a real explanation. now if I go missing for an hour - he's on a war path!!!?

I'm not sure about the DV criteria, as I have to say there is no Physical abuse- but I do feel the emotional and mental issues are physically draining everything from my being. TY for the advise on that, but in our area- there is no help available until I'm actually out of here. I can get counseling and things of that nature- but actual means of some financial help will only be offered once I leave here. He's the one with the money,as I'm disabled- so I have no means of getting a place w/o really knowing how I'm going to pay for it. The kids are in their early and late teens, and they have learned to just avoid him most of the time. He will lash out at them verbally if I don't give him what he wants- that's just another way of keeping me in my place I guess - it is sometimes easier to appease him- rather than to have him be mean to everyone around us - b/c I hurt too much from my chronic pain. It's not easy, cause he seems so sweet and innocent to all that know him ( at least the ppl that don't think - like him ). He puts on a show, for everyone else- like he is the one who isn't being treated nicely. Like I'm the one that isn't loving enough, and that I/children don't appreciate him in the least bit. I've been fighting this battle on and of for years now, and his family/friends/co-workers thinks the world of him. They don't see this personality , they see only what he's willing to show - which is all an act.

I'm still looking and hoping that I will come across a place that the owner will work with me - in regard to a security deposit/ 1st months rent. It's not easy though. I'm grateful for this site, as I can at least vent a bit- and still keep plugging away with a poss. escape plan. It's just so overwhelmingly draining at times when I have to cave in to his demands. My self-esteem is beyond low at this point, but I'm not giving up just yet. I appreciate you concern for my families welfare , and just grateful for your posts- as they seem to help me get through another day. I know there are men out there, like yourself that are truly a blessing- and I will always keep that in mind. I just seem to draw that bad ones out :o, - Don't worry my friend - I will find a way out of here- with God's help.

TY so much- you are a bright star to me :)- in my world of darkness

[B]tetonteri 66[/B]

This totally describes him to a tee
(As I understand it, people with a true sexual addiction have other behaviors as well, such as having multiple partners because one person cannot satisfy the "addicted" person; watching porn; masturbating; generally just engaging in activities concerning sex, thinking about sex, etc. all the time.)

there are about 10 recorded smut shows that he paid good money for on our DVR- that and masturbation where a big part of his life for many years- he would do it daily ( both ) in secrecy , and we would have sex daily - was never enough. There have been far to many women for me to even consider keeping track of- that kills you emotionally snooping around- to find out what he's up too, he's pretty good at hiding it- when you make the money - you have all the control .

I've spent the better part of this morning searching and reading through so many threads on here about - bi-polar- sex addiction . It's scary to say the least. He tells me all the time that " all he thinks about - all day long - is making love to me - he has fantasies about it everyday all through out the day ". And with so many approaches sexually from him in a day, my responses are a slap in his face ( not physically ). I hardly ever answer him anymore, it's more of a frustrated sigh- b/c no matter what I say ( unless it's[B] YES I'm ready[/B] ) he will respond with things like " oh that's right , me trying to show my love for you is WRONG " or "it's just wrong of me to want to show the woman I love - how much I love her- and want to be with her ". " or how his compliments of me - just make me sick". Now, I'm just like the next person, and would love to truly feel loved- would be nice to know I'm physically attractive to my mate. But in hearing this, can it just be a true compliment.... without the need to confirm it with a sex session, must every thing revolve around us having sex ???

For one to hear they are sexy, is nice ( but in the same manner ) I would love to hear I'm beautiful- my life means nothing without you in it- and if we had to have a life without sex, that would be ok, as I love you entirely , inside and out- for who you are - not what you can physically give me !!!

You're right, he won't seek help- b/c there is nothing wrong with him ( it's me - and my pain ) He has no problems that need addressing by a Medical Professional- in his eyes.

I'm hanging in there, only because I have no choice in the matter. I pray everyday that I know God has brought me to this, now it is he who will get me through it. With ppl like yourself and others , your advice means the world to me. Thank you , for your help- now and always- I'm gaining strength from all of you .


TY for your response- I'm giving everything I have to finding a place. But at the moment there is nothing available here- I've even widened the search to about a 60 mile radius from where I have been for years. Unfortunately I don't believe the courts recognize Mental abuse as much as say Physical- there just aren't the typical signs to show on the outside. It's totally your word against the abusers. And when you have everyone in the surrounding area standing by him- because HE IS THAT GOOD AT ACTING - And no one willing to come forward and say anything against him- it just makes it so much harder to get the help.

Believe me when I say, I'm doing what I can from where I'm at right now. I know I have a long , brutal road ahead of me- but I believe with the Lords help, and support from friends I'm gonna make it.

No, it's not that I have to have a diagnosis for him, but I do have 2 boys that I worry will pick up/or inherit these disgusting/degrading traits from him - as our oldest boy seems to be heading there ( at times) he could be just acting as a young man- influenced by his peers to some degree- or he might be falling into the same way as his father. I see so many ppl live their lives, the way they where brought up ( what they saw ) and if it's something I could put a name to - then they would be able to seek help if needed.

I'm gonna seek some outside support- in the way of counseling, or a support group. I just have to get it all together in my head- I can't be stretched in five directions and come out thinking with a clear thought.

Doing much research on everything I've discussed here- hoping to find something that is exactly what I need. Keep me in your prayers- that I will find peace for my children and myself soon.

One thing, you sound so positive in your statement that I'm being abused. Do we ( I mean the person being abused ) always seem to try to help the other person ? Always trying to accommodate them in all ways. Is that the cycle that we end up in, as we only see what is right in front of us- yet we try to some how make the way we are treated seem like it's our fault in some way.
Sorry about that part- It's just as confussing to me writing it out as it is to you reading it. I just feel sometimes maybe I'm making more out of this- and that he really does love me in some sick way ( his distorted view on love ). But then I look at my children, and how we walk on eggshells when he is here- like we are afraid to even have one thought/ or oppinion- without his help/approval.

Sorry again- getting really tired and still a bit confussed as you can see :o

Thanks again for your advise, I'm never giving up- just having some doubts ( which I think is normal for someone in my shoes )
Take care,

teteri66 04-25-2011 12:53 PM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
You know, you don't need to feel that you need to respond to each poster individually, particularly where there is alot of overlap. I think most people read through the posts regardless of who they might be directed to.

I think Sassy made some very good points in regard to it being irrelevant what may or may not be wrong with your partner. It is unfortunate that he is the father of your children, as you do have some genetic considerations to think of there...possibly, anyway!! One way or the other, children learn by what they see going on around them, and I share your concern that your son learn this is not appropriate behavior...nor how "most" men behave.

You don't need to answer my question if it is too personal, but I'm wondering if he has a job that engages his mind...or does he just dwell on sex 24/7 ??

How long have you known him? Has he always been this way, or is this a relatively new behavior?

Brnt2acrisp 04-25-2011 03:53 PM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
At his job, yes he needs to use his mind for everything that he does- that's highly important for many reasons-but he's his own boss so that leaves alot of time for him to work at his own pace, and focus on sex more often. I would say, he actually works 6-7 hours a day, but he spends 12 hrs a day at work ( see all of the available time).

I've known his at least 25 years, and he's always had some issues- but we seemed to work through them- or maybe I just accepted them IDK anymore. I do know that it is getting increasingly worse as time goes on. He just keeps pushing and pushing me with this, and I can't cave into him like I used to to keep the peace. Like I had said earlier- he seemed to have changed for the better b4 I moved back in...... But as soon as the moving van was gone, so wasn't understanding of my injuries and pain.

He just doesn't get how I could be in that much pain, all the time- and not have an hour or so to give to him - for his relief. He's becoming more and more irritable each day, and he usually has a snide comment for me - it can range from the sex issues, or the house work, or my dr's appt, or my computer usage. The list is never ending- Lastnight it was the fact that I sat with our oldest, and he said " why is it you're always nice and happy for everyone else, yet for me - you don't even smile ? " This was cause I was talking to our oldest child, it's not my fault that they don't get along- or that he basically ignores her when ever she stops by. She is an adult now, I can't make her have feelings for him- she knows how he treated her, me , and now the boys. He blames me for the fact that his own children don't talk to him, when in all reality it's b/c the kids feel that they can't do anything in this life that will make him proud of them. He doesn't speak to any of us when he comes home, and we just try to not ruffle his feathers so that we won't be in a line of fire should he get ****** off at us for whatever.

With all that said, it's just a waiting game right now.

sassy411 04-25-2011 05:56 PM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
Just wanted to reiterate my suggestion about talking to someone at your local DV facility. As you are currently working on getting out (the wisest course of action with men like your husband)--the DV workers have experience helping with housing, court, finances, etc & could possibly provide some good advice at little or no cost to you.

If you do seek counseling, again, a wise decision, just be certain your counselor really understands abuse, especially emotional, verbal & sexual. Not all of them do. Be VERY wary of any therapist who would be willing to treat you as a couple--that is absolutely not the right protocol & can be very dangerous.

I really hope you get some outside support with this. As Teri said, your kids are affected by this.

And, I must warn you, these types of abusive men are at their worst when you try to escape them. Forewarned is forearmed. Again, whether it is the National DV Hotline, or your local DV facility, you can get some expert guidance on this to keep you and your kids safe.

Be well, stay strong. Be prepared for a lot of head games. You're entering the worst phase of the ordeal. There is freedom on the other side. It's worth it. You're worth it. Your beautiful children are worth it.

Brnt2acrisp 04-26-2011 07:15 AM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help

Thanks again for your response. My desire to have a somewhat normal life, my freedom / also for the children to just feel comfortable without worrying about stupid things - the feeling that they may ask/say something without having to worry that someone will bite their head off -is what keeps me going everyday.

Lastnight, I found a site that has info on where to go for some help-- I never would have thought to look there - TY Teri :angel:- It's local- I'll be calling today to see what they have to offer us. And Sas- I know it will be tough for some time to come, but like you said " We're all worth it !" I just have to deal with his relentless comments b/c he can feel that things aren't going in his direction. And believe me, if I sense that he is going to become physical with any of us- I will be gone- I'll leave everything (materialistic) behind. The head-games have already started, and for him that's just another way of trying to control me and my actions ( in everything I do ). I'm just going to bite tongue for a bit longer, and pray that all of this is over real soon.

Every time I start to feel like I can't do this, I'm not strong enough to be able to handle all this BS - I come here and reread through all of this. This is like my life line for the time being- it's something that I can go back to and get some comfort for me- to be able to keep pushing on. It's absolutely unbelievable when you think about it- We are total strangers ( all of us ) yet I seriously look for and ACCEPT/APPRECIATE ( with open arms )your opinions and guidance in this dark world I'm living in. Maybe the fact that we are STRANGERS is why this helps so much- we have nothing to benefit from giving/receiving advise- we're not bias. There is a benefit though- the joy that comes from helping another human being and the feelings that comes along with that or in my case the indescribable feeling of hope/compassion I get from reading all responses to me- that no matter what - I know there are ppl that care out there & understand what it is I'm going through, that only want the best for me and my children. You guys best !!!!!!!! :) TY again

ssofalvi 04-26-2011 11:43 AM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help

I have been reading your posts for about a week now, and I didn't really have anything to add, so I hadn't commented up until now. I still don't have much to add, but still wanted to offer some support.
You have been given some great advice here from Joe, Terri and Sas. I urge you to consider it all. It seems like you are taking their words to heart and that is great.

I wanted to address your question about abusers/abusees. You say that mental/emotional abuse isn't recognized by the courts, but it is, although harder to prove, but your boyfriend is physically abusing you. I have to say that what your boyfriend is doing to you is rape. Pure and simple, if you don't want to have sex and he forces you, either by mental or physical cohersion, that is rape. Further, you asked if it is common for the person who is being abused to make excuses and feel like it is their fault. As I understand it, this is the most NORMAL reaction that women have. You feel like you are at fault in some convoluded way, either by feeling like your not good enough or what have you. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. Throughout these posts I have seen you almost making excuses for him, you realize he isn't acting properly but you seek a reason why when it doesn't matter. He won't get help. So you will never know for sure if he has any disorders, therefore won't be able to apply them to your kids either, so does it matter if he has mental issues?? I understand you are worried about your kids, and honestly they should get some counselling now as it has to have had an impact on them watching a man treat you like this. So bite the problem in the butt and try and get them in for conselling too. Maybe you can even help them discover if the do have mental health issues.

If I were you, i wouldn't mention any of your plans to your spouse. He sounds like he is ready to fly off the handle and there are well documented cases where there has been no previous physical abuse but there as emotion and psychological and when the woman went to leave, man snaps and aweful aweful things happen. I am worried about you. Are there no shelters in the US? No Welfare?
I sincerely hope you get out of this and soon. I haven't even addressed your pain, and frankly it concerns me that it is so extreme, but your personal safety and that of your kids is in jeopardy right now. You sound like a momma-bear and I know you have the strength to leave.
I (and this whole community) am here if you need to talk... But please, please, accept that this needs to end, NOW. My thoughts are with you. <3 ooooooo

ibake&pray 04-26-2011 01:08 PM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
[COLOR="Navy"]dear- we already know that I too have constant unreliquishing pan. But my hubby (we celebrate our 38 year anniversary tomorrow) would NEVER treat me like that. Right now it has been month since we had sex, partially because of my pain issues and partially becaise of his allergies. I know that he misses it, but he would never even consider it when I am having a flare like I am. That is not what real partners do.

You are suffering fromn abuse-mental and physical. It's much like children who have been abused. They stand up for the abuser and make excuses for them. You ar eoding the same. He has browbeaten you for so long that you don't see that he is sick.

You need to get out. Can your oldest daughter help with the younger kids if need be? Consider all of your options-event those you wouldn't ever think of. Do you hasve a church home? They are often good sources of help that know of places. What about the couselors at the kids school? chekc with the local library to see if they know of anything. They often have bulletin boards. What about looking for support groups? Our paper will list-I think in the Sunday edition times and loctions of local support groups. You could tell him it is to learn to control your pain....

Don't give up hope. You will get through this and you will survive. You will be in my prayers....[/COLOR]

Brnt2acrisp 04-27-2011 09:11 AM

Re: sexual/control/mental issues ? not sure - please help
Sarah & I B&P,

First off, to I B&P - CONGRATULATIONS ON 38 YEARS !!!! Truly wonderful accomplishment in this and age. Like I said b4 , I hope you have many years of true happiness in front of you :)

Thanks for your responses- You both seem to agree with eachother on the physical abuse issues, and you're right that I need to get out of here asap. I'm gonna try responding to you both here, I hope I don't leave something out LOL.

As for some place to go, our church and school district are swarmed with ppl he knows, and I wouldn't dare risk any of them informing him of my plans. It's a small community, and as much as I like to say- that church bound ppl don't gossip- well in our community THEY DO( sad but true). I did place a call yesterday, to a local support type place- but the one I was looking for was out for the day- it wasn't an immediate emergency so I told them I could wait till sometime today for a call back. As for welfare- they won't help until I'm physically out of his house- that's where I hope the other agency will be of assistance to us. I'm trying to do this with as little disruption to the kids as possible- and the only shelters they have are in another county. There really isn't much in our county, but there is help available in surrounding counties ( I would just have to have a physical address in- said county )- we are on the border of like 3 cnty's .

My daughter can't really help- at least not long term- as she lives in a studio apt - but it's an emergency option just the same. As for counseling, my youngest goes to one already b/c he has learning disabilities- so I know we're good there. As for myself and the other child, I will seek it , when I know he won't be able to stop me. If he where to find out that I was one place ( ie. counseling ) and had said that I was at ( dr. - bio-feedback ) - I would fear the rage that would be provoked by that - I can't take that chance right now. I truly don't believe that he would physically harm us- as he is the type of person that is more concerned with what others think of him- like I had said that he never shows his true colors to the outside world- but in the same breath I do know that some ppl snap- and believe me I'm watching everything he's doing/ or how he's acting . I will be out of here , with the Lords help - I do hope it's soon. Thank you both again for your advise- and compassion for me and my family. I totally appreciate all the everyone has offered, and am looking into possibilities for us. Keep your fingers crossed that the agency calls and that we start to ball rolling in our favor.
Thanks again, C

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