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Need help for Hubby

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Old 02-18-2005, 12:19 PM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 73
Lostdog HB User
Need help for Hubby

Hi All,
I don't usually post on this board, usually just read lots.My husband has BP & has been on meds for about a year.Still unstable, but working on a better combination(about 5 mos on that).The Pdoc will not begin theraputic counsel until he is closer to stable.I have seen some changes in my husband but I can't tell if things are better or worse.Lately he has been imposible to talk to about anything.He told me he is full of resentment towards me.(I don't know exactly why).He does not care about anything.(he told me this & it's very obvious)Is this the BP or are the meds doing this to him.His prognosis is listed as guarded.When I research that term it sounds like its unpredictable.I am really wooried about him.I want to help him through all of this, but his behavior makes it nearly impossible.No one else around him will tell him his behavior is not acceptable.I am the only one( I believe this is why he resents me) I just care so much about him I don't know what to do.He tells me just to back off him.I am not asking for much from him, or maybe I am.(I tell him his yelling at me is unacceptable and when he calms then I will listen to him).Everything I do is wrong.I should add that before meds his cycle was r**** but very predictable.1 week manic mood, 1 week depressive mood, 2 weeks normal mood.Now he is all over the place with no predictability.I really need some help.He doesn't see Pdoc again for 2 weeks yet.I should add also he has this extremely bizzare passive-aggressive thing going on lately.

Recent behavior:
I went to take a bath & we were low on hot water.I said"honey, something is wrong with the hot water there is not enough to take a bath"
His response"what do you want me to do about it?"(bad day) Later that day he threatened to leave me at the bowling alley.

Nothing was done about the hot water situation,I mentioned it later on 2 other occassions.Both times he got furious.I dropped it & let it go.Of course 3 weeks later we were completely out of hot water.

The passive -aggressive behaior is like this:
He is getting ready to go to work.He has plans to go to the bank before work(self-employed).I asked him if he knows how much the deposit will be.(So I can make plans for bill-paying later that day).He flips on me.Throws the phone towards me. He didn't throw it AT me, this is just how he hands things to me(I have a problem with this behavior but he doesn't) But considering it happened after he has just been raging at me is really upsetting.I sit on the bed & say nothing.Then he walks over to me(Like everything is OK) & says ok honey I have to get going & wants me to give him a kiss & hug cause he is off to work .When I did not respond to his request, he acts hurt & stomps off & says I am impossible & this is why things never get better.

Please help me.I don't know what is going on here.Thanks for any advice.

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Old 02-18-2005, 12:41 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: quincy, wa, usa
Posts: 778
kiehn HB User
Re: Need help for Hubby

Hi there,
Im bipolar and my husband & family suffers with me. I have done the same things to my husband and he reacts the same as you do. I believe it is the illness and we
can't help it. So my husband has learned to just listen let me rant and rave when
I need to and he doesnt say a word, which I'll admit I know that he's doing but
I cant stop what Im doing, catch 22.

I will tell you this, there is a possibility you husband is not remembering some of
his behavior so when you act cold towards him he doesnt understand why. I have
done things I dont remember and if it was for both my daughters and my husband
telling me I did them I wouldnt have believed it.

As far as getting things fixed around the house or bills paid ask for his advice.
Such as "Honey I know you're real busy would you like me to call the repair man"
Or the bank deposit. "Ask him when a good time would be to pay the bills or if
he would like you to pay the bills. Or just plain call the bank and find out what
the deposit was, they dont need to know why.

We have two Bipolars in our family my duaghter and I and to survive we have
had to change our approach with each other, (creative thinking) but it didnt happen over night it's a slow steady trial and error process we are alway working on.
Hope this helps, K

Old 02-18-2005, 01:58 PM   #3
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 73
Lostdog HB User
Re: Need help for Hubby

Dear Kiehn,
Thanks for your advice.My problem is I have tried those techniques with him.(Our 9 y/o daughter is suspected of having BP too).I go to see a Pdoc to learn how to deal with her.(She refuses any counselling). And I read lots of books.The pdoc & books have taught me how to approach things with a BP twist(lots of empathy).The problem is my hubby says "don't do that psychological B*S* with me".When I try to just agree with everything he says & just say OK, he yells at me to "knock that S*** off".I am at a loss here.I can not even speak to him at this point about anything.(literally)He would be fine if I never spoke to him.
I should add to that, he has no responsibilties in our house other than to go to work(which is very flexible,and 40 hrs is not required,he can leave(take a break or go home)any time he wants).I do not work & haven't for a few years because of a neurological condition.I feel like his mom(cause he needs so much from me, more than my kids) & his Pdoc says that is what he needs from me.I don't ask for "normal" husbandly things from him cause I know he is no where able to handle them, but I wanted to call a plumber regarding the hot water & I offered to do it my self.But I have to have his permission for everything or he flips.In the end my BIL was over(for a different reason) & replaced it for us.BIL said "I didn't even know you were having a problem with the hot water" or he would have come over to help hubby with it.(Hubby never told him).It wasn't a concern to him & we have 3 kids in this house.
BIL always comes to help bail us out, but I can't call him(BIL) or a plumber or make a decision on my own or hubby will flip(it makes him feel inadaquate).Is there more than just BP going on here?Pdoc thinks so, but I don't know what to do anymore.
P.S. I always pay the bills, go to bank, all the responsibilities.He offered to go to bank, I have been without a car for weeks. He is self-employed & acts secretive about how much $$ comes into our house(says it is not his intention, but is that way).
I feel like he is getting worse.But at the same time, prior to meds he would never say "sorry" which is something he occasionally does now, & he does acknowledge some of his behavior which is a good sign too, but he is impossible now.What is going on?
You are so right Kiehn, he doesn't remember most of what he does & is cruel to me when I tell him what "really" happened.He admits to having BP but still is blaming me constantly.Pdoc asks me if he is still in denial.I don't know.I am so confused.I don't even know if he is manic or depressed.He just seems like a "lost,angry,zombie"(sounds mean but I don't know how to express it).
Pdoc told me on last visit that a few years ago, people as bad as my hubby would have been put in a P-hospital for their entire life, but now there is better treatments available.Can I still hold out for things to get better or are my expectations still too high? I really don't want much.

Old 02-18-2005, 02:38 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: quincy, wa, usa
Posts: 778
kiehn HB User
Re: Need help for Hubby

You are certainly dealing with a lot. In situations such as your and many others all
we can do is hope. I meant to go back and add to my posting but forgot, (a major problem) to say life isnt perfect in our house we do have our arguements, just about a
month ago my husband said maybe we would be better off apart. At times he's so understanding and other times he's totally lost. How could I expect him to understand unless he's lived in my mind. When he told me that I couldnt stop crying this went on
for days. Finally we decided to just get out drive halfway across the state to have
dinner. Both my husband and I are disabled so getting out of the house just for fun
was so refreshing, it lifted my spirits emmensely.

I wish I there was something I could say that would be helpful. Has he ever tried
lithium? It's the only one I've been able to take however here lately after 12 yrs
it hasnt been working as well and I've been having anger outbursts.

Honestly self recognition of my behavior has been the most help for me. Then trying to find ways to avoid trigger situations, give fair warning to others that Im in a highly agitated mood, apologizing for my behavior seems to be almost an everyday event.

When Im depressed I do tend to be more irritable. I will tell you this a few months
ago, I had been living on he bottom of the barrel my whole life's goal was looking
forward to dying. I cried constantly, I hated life, I felt I was a burden to my family
and I would be better off dead. I had been to these boards in the past but never
for the bipolar. For the last couple of months everyday I sign in and read sometimes
I post. I have learned more in the last couple of months about my illness than I have
in the last 12 years. Replying to others based on my experience has been so theraputic, and taught me so much.

Even your posting has taught me Im not alone there are others like me, we all suffer such similiar pain. Many things I thought we're unrelated to bipolar I find are actually a bipolar attributes. Your posting is the first I've read where someone doesnt remember performing a certain behavior, which to me is extremely scarey.

Sounds like you need some new trial and error measures or maybe some tough love.
Maybe you just need to get out on your own and find some things to do that make you happy via a friend, bus, bike, walk anything to get out. Im at a loss as to what
to say. I hope things work out for you one way or another, K

Old 02-18-2005, 02:53 PM   #5
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 1
cnash1 HB User
Angry Re: Need help for Hubby

Hi I am going through the same kind of life as you.I am finding it so hard now and I have a 10 year old daughter-who is coming to except her fathers condition.My husband was diagnosed by the doctor having severe depression 4 weeks ago after a long battle with him in denial.I feel he is suffering bioplar disorder .He goes from appearing caring to hostile abusive etc.he is self employed and has not worked since xmas.He stopped taking his medication as he felt better-wrong thing I reckon .He walked out on our daughter whilst supposedly looking after her and has probably booked into another guest house by the sea.He has been gone since Wednesday.he keeps doing this since November when it all really started again. His first bad episode was around 3 years ago where he moved out of the house from Oct-dec didn't get better until the June time.He never got medication then. I have tried the softly approach the must look to the future approach-but he still keeps running away from it all.In the meantime our house is at stake.I love him dearly but this hostile approach tears me apart although I am getting used to it why does he keep running away?

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