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Old 07-15-2005, 07:21 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 73
Lostdog HB User
Quick Question

Hi All,
My husband is in a 4 month mania and I am a mess by now.I just have a quick question.*Does he know how cruel he is being to me or does it even matter to him at this point(he tells me he cant stand me & he acts like it)?* We have been through this(uncontrollable) for about 5 yrs now(hes had it all 11 yrs we were together but I didnt see it til hindsight), but this mood is really tough.
I should tell you he is a very rapid cycler & has never maintained stability for more than 2 days.(not an exageration this is truth).He claims he does not remember what he says to me.Is this truthful?-I do believe him about this.
His depakote level is low & they have increased it I hope it kicks in soon.It took me til last week to convince him to get the blood work that was ordered in April when he first turned manic.He was in the worst depression of his life just prior to this mood & it lasted til late March & he did not see how depressed he was until he came out of it.Will he see his mania then too, when its gone?
I have read lots of books on bipolar but none really explain well what the person is going through only how the illness manifests itself.I just want to understand him. Thank you,

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Old 07-15-2005, 10:45 AM   #2
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 470
Picali HB User
Re: Quick Question

Hi Christi

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. To answer your question, no, he doesn't realise what he's doing. When you're manic everything you do seems perfectly obvious and you wonder why everyone else is so wierd. I've also experienced memory loss during both depressive and manic phases, so he's probably telling the truth about that as well.

Doesn't make it less hard for you, though? Sounds like his docs need to be doing a lot more to help - I'm not familiar with depokate, is it a stabiliser? He needs something to bring him down out of this phase and sooner rather than later (particularly as it's been going on for so long now). I know it's tough on you to have to do everything, but I would start bugging the docs to get on top of this (calling three or four times a day and annoying the hell out of them always seems to move things quickly, I have found), or even take him to A & E if you have no luck with the docs. Even if they had to sedate him for a while (which is horrible, I've been there myself) you need a break from this before you go nuts.

Let us know how you're getting on and post back and vent anytime

Picali xx

Old 07-16-2005, 01:49 AM   #3
Hedgehog No 1
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Ripon, England.
Posts: 349
Hedgehog No 1 HB User
Re: Quick Question

Hey Christi,

Originally Posted by Lostdog
I just have a quick question.*Does he know how cruel he is being to me or does it even matter to him at this point
There is the very strong option that he DOES know how he is being -


he might not be able to show ANY control over how he talks/feels or acts...!!!

I speak from MY experience here -
I was ALWAYS aware of HOW I was -
just NEVER capable of controlling it until I changed my Doc and Meds.

It used to totally tear me apart inside -
try asking him how if that is how HE feels?

take care,

Hedge ~
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Old 07-16-2005, 03:35 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bean Station, TN, usa
Posts: 2,188
mudhound HB User
Re: Quick Question

As one who can feel your pain, I agree with Hedge. He may not be able to control the rage that builds with in him. Itís hard to imagine the pain or ache that he endures. My wife knows better than to do the stuff she does; however, she still has times that the illness controls her. I try to understand. I think that we (non BP) have to battle within ourselves to overcome the desire to just walk away. I know that I struggle with this! So far, I have been able to endure. For how much longer I do not know.
God Bless


Old 07-16-2005, 08:52 PM   #5
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 73
Lostdog HB User
Re: Quick Question

You know, I have actually asked him how he feels & when he first goes manic(since being medicated-saw none of it prior to meds) he at least sees some of his behavior & admits to frustration & irritablilty & racing thoughts & impulsiveness and even tells me how well he does fighting the urge to tell off strangers he encounters in his day that annoy the **** out of him.And he does sometimes exhibit restraint with me but as time goes on he continually spirals down hill and soon he is paranoid and impossible to deal with then I can not even speak to him.When he "comes back" to me he does not recollect the things he has said & done.He has even denied some v serious issues that occured while he was manic.I do believe he does not remember a lot of things cuz he is v honest w/ me- sometimes too much. He is genuinely shocked when I discuss issues that need to be discussed when he is well(for his best interest I believe).His psychologist even has me come to all his appts cause I can provide more input.He said he knows he gets irritable but is shocked to learn of things that occured while manic-especially when it grows to the point when the paranioa & poss. hallucinations(not really sure-says he sees things in his head when his eyes are closed that is like a mixed up movie & sometimes talks of things that make no sense) but this is after the mania lasts longer,not at the start of it.He has also had crying spells while manic-over a country song or one day he called me(crying) asking me to pick him up at work cause the thoughts in his head made him think he was losing his mind-but refused emergency care.I am not sure if this is a mixed state or not or just the fatigue & exhaustion of being so unstable for so long.He only has about 2(normal) days a month if he is lucky.-Not an exageration!!!
They increased his depakote(his mood stabilizer) because his level was low.After 2 days on the new dose-I believe he is "back". He had a perfectly wonderful day today(after 2 weeks from ****)-that wild eyed look was gone & he was "my hubby" again.I just hope he can hang onto it for a while.I hope this med change is the answer.BTW leaving is NOT an option for me after 11 yrs of this and now we have a BP child(10) also (he is shocked at her behavior when she is manic-& she is a piece of cake compared to him ).I am fully commited & hope I can keep the strength to hang on forever.I know he really needs me.

Old 07-16-2005, 09:31 PM   #6
Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 28
kproy HB User
Re: Quick Question

Dear Christi,
I am so sorry that you are on the receiving end of the rage. Me, I am the giver of the rage, and it is always towards my husband. Everything that I perceive that is going wrong, I somehow find some reason to blame onto him. I go to the Dr. and I am perfectly reasonable. I do "lose it" every once in a while in public, but it is very rare. And I can tell you from my experiences, when I lose it with my husband, I have no control over what I say or do. It all just comes out. Most of the time I remember what I say or do, and am very sorry for it afterwards, but there are times that I do not remember things that I have said or done. I am lucky to have a wonderful understanding husband. And though he is having a really hard time adjusting to my "new" personality. It has just come on since my stroke a year and a half ago. He is trying, and he is at every Doc's appt with me. So just hang in there, have faith, when your husband rages, let him rage, just don't let him hurt you or your children, that is crossing the line. It will pass. And when it passes, speak to him about what happened. And maybe he is not on the right medications. It takes a while to get on the right coctail. I am still working on mine, and I have a friend, who has been a good friend for the past 5 years who is bi-polar. She was diagnosed about 2 years ago and they are still working on her meds. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Go get a pedicure and relax or something. It will do your family no good at all if you fall apart, since it seems that you are the tie that binds. Don't let that unravel. Kim

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