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emeraldeyes114 01-25-2006 02:13 PM

Just Some Bad Moments
:blob_fire I hate these moments when everything seems to come crashing down on my head. Or is about to which feels the same at any rate. I am bipolar with borderline personality and not medicated or seeing a doc. Transportation is a problem and no way to take care of it at the moment. So I am stuck somehow in this horrible position and i hate every single minute of it. I keep thinking I need to sign myself into the hospital but for so many reason I woudl rather die first. It is just a short term solution to a long term problem. It only helps for a short time but things are so out of hand I am not sure of anything anymore. I don't get anything done anymore simply because i spend too much time in a world of my own making. It is easier that way less painful and i get most of the time what i need from that. Though lately the paranoia has been kind of killing even that little bit of peace. I feel this awful thing that I am the most hated unwanted unwelcome person in the entire world. Though I don't have a reason I feel the need for one any woudl do at the moment. I force myself at least to eat one small meal a day and that is hard to do anymore. There jsut seems no point in doing so. I see the future as so bleak the same day over and over again. And I think to myself what is the bloody point of it? Of course, there never is an answer to that one either. I don't have any friends, I don't leave the house except to get cigerettes once in a blue moon and that is it. People suggested that i go to a park but we don't have one and the neighbors aren't all that friendly. So the gloom and doom that I am dreams of death as it arrives on blackened wings. Each more horrific then the last and that in itself is the only respite i have gotten lately. I don't know what I want or need perhaps just to say that things aren't going well or to vent will be good enough though I didn't say really anything of value.... Emerald

kathryn00 01-25-2006 03:53 PM

Re: Just Some Bad Moments
I am so sorry you are going through such a horrible time right now.

I don't think it is the end of the world. I just think you need to start thinking in a new direction. Which, of course, is impossible to do when you feel that way. Maybe make a list of all of the things that are wrong. (but, please, don't do it if you think it will only bring you down.) Find the easiest one (or the one that will make the most difference) to fix and start there. Wake up and tell yourself that this is only temporary and you are not going to let it get the best of you. Find the strength within. Don't get overwhelmed by how much there is to do. Break it down into small accomplishments. Over time, you will have gone far. Even being positive for 5 minutes will help.

Maybe you could bring yourself to join a group that would help.

I am sorry I can't get more specific, but I found that writing in a journal helps me figure out what I find important in life, who I am, the type of people I enjoy hanging out with, even steering me towards my career path (which is a long-term goal for me at this point because I still have a lot to work on.)

Take this anti-social time and use it to delve into yourself, make small accomplishments, take care of yourself.

Hope this helps!

You can live the life you see yourself in. It is possible. So don't give up!


cagedbird 01-26-2006 12:51 AM

Re: Just Some Bad Moments
Emerald,everything you said had value. I know how lonely it can be without friends,good neighbors,& a car! How about taking a cab? Why arent you on meds at this time? I don't know your income,but if your at poverty level try calling around to see if you can use the mental health clinic in your area. Then you can get some help from a Pdoc and some meds,along with therapy.
You shouldn't have to be stuck like you are. I really feel for you because i was were you are 7 years ago. You sound really depressed.Please look in your phone book and call a mental health clinic,if you don't want to go to the hospital. If things get to bad for you, you can go to the ER,they have to medicate you,maybe even hook you up to a clinic,if you ask. Well if no one cares about you and you have no friends,you just made a friend here :) Let me know how it goes,please get some help.
cagedbird :wave:

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