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    Old 05-09-2006, 10:21 PM   #1
    littletimebomb
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    Question Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    I'm bipolar and I recently suffered another break up. After 2 years of living together, my supposed soulmate turned to me and said "I don't think I can deal with your illness anymore." It was all down hill from there. He was already cheating, moved in with her, I tried to kill myself and while I was hospitalized he went through our stuff and took what her wanted and wanted to store the rest (including two cats) in my apartment while he was living with his new girlfriend. He kept the key and dropped by all the time to pick up random things with his new girlfriend waiting in the car out front. To make a long, sick story short, he ended up beating me up when I insisted he get all his stuff out and give me the key. Then he called the police on himself and smugly said, "I hit my girlfriend, she's bipolar."
    I really tried to be a good person with him and get treatment. But he used my illness to control and belittle me. I was crazy and he was the sane one. HA. He won't speak to me now and blames everything on my illness. I know he was just a jerk but I have been with a lot of good men who just had to save themselves from the mood swings. Is there anyone with a giving enough heart to love someone who has this disorder? Or dare I ask for someone to love not in spite of but because of my struggle? At almost 40, after having my heart broken so many times by men who say they love me but can't live with me, I am losing hope. Plus, it seems that my symptoms increase when I'm in love with someone. Do I have to live the single life permenantly to keep myself mentally healthy?

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    Old 05-10-2006, 12:05 PM   #2
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    Geez, littletrimebomb. I ask myself the same question all the time. I still don't know the answer. I'm 52 years old and was married for 10 years. My wife finally left. I gave her no choice with my unending mood swings and generally depression. And of course, I blamed her. After all, she should be able to read my mind...........
    That was about five years before I was diagnosed with BPD. Since then I've been more able to put our relationship into perspective. I hurt her and I have to own to it.
    But since then I have essentially been alone. Part of it is a distrust in myself; how do I know I won't fall into the same pattern? The few relationships I have had have ended badly. So many buttons get pushed if I try to begin a relationship; I think I get desparate. And several other BPDs I know do the same thing.
    We all know it's not easy being with a person who has BPD. We have certain things in us that are fragile and not everyone outside of us can cope with it. Sometimes I think that it's hopeless because of the disorder, but you know, I 'm not really sure that the odds aren't about the same anyway. And I think it's easy for us to start thinking of ourselves as somehow damaged. When we do that, that energy is picked up by people around us and sometimes it draws the wrong ones to us. We don't live easy lives, littletimebomb, but please, don't lose hope. It's as valuable as any drug we take. Take good care of yourself. harryhaller

     
    Old 05-10-2006, 12:21 PM   #3
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    I also have bipolar and bpd. I have found true love, although I didn't find it until I was stable on my ad and mood stabilizer. My fiancee and I have been together for 5 years. It hasn't been easy, but we support each other and he respects me. I have had the intense and unstable relationships in my lifetime, and it taken me to take care of myself before I could give to someone else. Love yourself and try to remember that although it is an illness, we need to try and respect the feelings of others that we love. Hope it helps.

    Regards,
    Jadas

     
    Old 05-10-2006, 01:43 PM   #4
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    My bf is probably bipolar and goes through some rapid cycling at times, so I'm looking at this from the perspective of someone loving a bipolar person. I think it's important to remember that non-bipolar people have emotional needs, too, and that it can be very difficult to be pushed away, even when we are aware it's the illness. I, as a person, need lots of emtional reassurance and get paranoid easily ("oh, I haven't heard from him all day - perhaps he is tired of me" - "oh, he is emotionally detached - he doesn't love me anymore?"). It can be difficult, but it's not very problematic because under "normal circumstances," he is very open and very attentive to my emotional needs. He tells me what I mean to him and he reassures me that when he detaches, he still loves me, but can't express it. We don't see me "as the healthy one," (I have my issues, too!!), but we know that we both have times during which we are not our "normal selves" and we tell each other just how much we mean to each other all the time. But we are also very similar in our emotional needs, so that makes it easier.

    One more thing: I always have to be careful not to retreat from him when I'm upset. I tend to go into my shell when I'm very sad or troubled and sometimes I get passive aggressive. I always try to say straight out when I feel neglected or when he has hurt my feelings. I would say encourage your partner to tell you when s/he is bothered or hurt. Talk all the time to not let paranoia build up. But of course, people are different.

    So ultimately, it is all about communication and making sure that each person knows that s/he is always loved and appreciated, even when it's hard to show it sometimes. I don't mind his cycling and the detached phases (not for my sake, anyway) as long as he reassures me he loves me and cares about me.

    And finally: he is the sweetest, most affectionate, most caring, most brilliant and most interesting man I have ever been with and the BP is one little thing that we can deal with. I realize that he is probably not as much affected as other people, but in any case, communication and reassurance is the key. You don't have to be bipolar to be needy.

    And littletimebomb, your ex is a creep. That sort of behavior, in my mind, has nothing to do with you being bipolar, but with him being a jerk.

     
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    Old 05-10-2006, 03:19 PM   #5
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    Fantastic Thread ~ thanks for starting it !!!

    Great responses so far, as well ...


    I'm compelled to temporarilly address the other "issue" that stands-out here.

    You said your boyfriend called the police and admitted he had hit you. Your being diagnosed Bipolar gives no license to do so, nor does it preclude THEM from taking action.

    I realize you don't wish to stir more trouble BUT - most states have "domestic violence" laws that would put him in deep fecal matter. He already admitted ON A RECORDING TO THE POLICE that he committed assault and battery upon YOUR person. So long as he was NOT defending himself from your physical onslaught (and the male is considered better able to "leave" the situation even if that IS the case) ~ then your "rights" were NOT upheld.

    You might consider a call to chat with the "authorities".

    Just trying to share !!! Been there and seen a LOT !!!


    ~ Ben


     
    Old 05-10-2006, 03:26 PM   #6
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    Thanks everyone for your responoses. Has anyone else experienced a relationship where it is impossible to tell the other person anything without them blaming it on your illness? I mean, what CAN we get upset about? If he's ignoring me and cheating on me, don't I get to be mad? That doesn't make me crazy, it makes me normal.
    Anyway, for now the best thing for me to do is turn my back on my emotional baggage and move forward. My career is going well and I even think it may take a huge upturn. My meds are just right now and I'm productive and not sleeping or growling all the time. I feel calm and stable and better than ever in my life. I love being alone, people become frustrated with the way I live my life. So I enjoy the freedom of being single once I get used to it. Sometimes I think I like it too much. Am I just protecting myself from more heartache?
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    Old 05-10-2006, 03:44 PM   #7
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    WOW, that was FAST, Leetle-time-bomb !!!

    Don't let the schmuck think he can victimize you. IF he makes ANY further problems...

    As for relationships... WOW, can I relate to your whole experience.

    In YOUR case, you HAD a diagnosis "going in", which is something I NEVER had (not with three failed marriages OR two domestic partnerships). Just for perspective, the marriages totalled 26 years, and the partnerships another 6.
    That makes me approximately seven times OLDER than DIRT !!!

    People (as individuals) ALWAYS want to think themselves "right". Unfortunately (as in my last marriage), once YOU have a formal diagnosis - EVERYTHING you do is under scrutiny (while the other person's actions might be assumed "normal").

    That is a crock, and VERY hard to deal with.

    As for your question about "escapism" and withdrawal into yourself ~ that is a perfectly NORMAL (and probably healthy) thing to do ~ until such time as YOU feel ready to "risk" involvement, again.

    In MY case ~ I haven't even been out on a "real" date (or fig, for that matter) in over a year !!!

    Sure, I'm hornier than a junkyard dog (I'm also a Scorpio AND considered hypersexual) ~ but I'm also still licking my wounds ...


    I hope that helps, in some way !!!


    ~ Ben


     
    Old 05-10-2006, 04:48 PM   #8
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    Thanks for the concern Ben,
    The police were involved and he was charged but the case was dropped, I'm not sure why. Probably because he never his anyone before and is a "model citizen". I don't know, though, because I don't talk to him at all.
    Thanks everyone for the words of support. It is so good to know that other people have the same issues.
    littletimebomb

     
    Old 05-10-2006, 10:07 PM   #9
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    On the one hand...

    As the "victim" you ought to have the right to find out "why". There ARE support groups out there. W E A V E (Women Escaping A Violent Environment ~ is the first major one that comes to mind)...

    On the other hand (can you tell I'm a big fan of Fiddler on the Roof ?)....

    IF you never filed ANY form of complaint, and the ONLY statement made against HIM was by HIMSELF ~ then perhaps he could conveniently subsequently claim that he was NOT correct in his first report.

    That's probably what's going-on here.

    No reported harm could = no foul. (Without a victim filing a complaint OR another witness.)

    Enough about THAT.

    GOOD Luck in whatever you choose to persue !!!


    ~ Ben

     
    Old 05-11-2006, 11:24 PM   #10
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    Thanks again for the insight. It is especially nice to get the perspective of someone who has had to live with a bipolar.
    But, I think the time for self blame is over. Yes, we are hard to live with. I think men especially have a hard time when their mates are unpredictable. But we also have great advantages over people who aren't biplaor. Like extreme sensitivity to our partners emotions and constant self examination of our moods and faults. And I think this encourages the "normal" people to assume that since we see our problems, we should be able to solve them.
    My ex used to call me the Hulk. And I used to take that! I even played along and called myself crazy and always took the blame.
    How do you find the place everyone else thinks is "normal" emotion? I don't even know what that is. So what I shake my leg when I am sitting? So what I get sad (My 11 y/o dog died!) Does that mean I'm depressed or just grieving? And when have I grieved too long for the longest relationship I've ever had? I know it was only a dog but I'm bipolar. No one has been in my life every day for eleven years. Is too months too long to miss her?
    I just don't know anymore. I know the mood swings are rough, I live them! But I'm actually pretty stable on my meds. But I guess I'll never be "normal" I don't even know how to start understanding what "normal" emotions are.
    Does anyone else get that constant feeling of trying to tone down any emotion because you're not sure if what you feel is too extreme?
    I just want a normal life!
    littletimebomb

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 04:53 AM   #11
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    I would love to add my life experience to this conversation.

    I am now 33 years old. I was misdiagnosed several times over the last ten years. Everything from BPD to Multiple Personalities.

    I have found myself in several destructive relationships. Some down right dangerous. I have also found that I tend to find men with alot of mental issues as well!

    When I entered my current marriage of 5 years come August, He knew of my condition which was untreated and at an all time high. I was hearing voices, "Leaving" my own sense of being to take on many alter personalities with names, actions and attitudes of their own. I was not aware of or in control of "Their" actions.

    Early on I was able to seek professional help. Again the diagnosis led back to BPD with borderline personality disorder.

    My alter egos were a protective mechonism my own brain had created to sheild me from the pain I was endurning in life.

    Needless to say, our first couple years were rocky. My husband dealt with all that he could, then BLEW and became violent in reponse, only to feel terrible and things would be good and then bam, and then back to good. Luckily I did not RUN away as I tend to do. He no longer loses his temper with me. In my opinion he never should have. But, this no longer occurs.

    If I am crashing he and my three children steer clear of me. Offering assitance only when it appears safe to do so.

    I am a rapid cycler so we deal with this almost daily.

    It is not an easy life as a BPD person, Not on us, our families and most important Our spouse or partners.

    I can relate to being called "the crazy one" even in times I know what I am doing and feeling and know that it is NORMAL for me to be feeling and doing that. It becomes aggitating to hear, you are only saying or doing this because you are BP. NO NO NO, I am saying or doing this because I am angry, hurt, or concerned. I am doing this because I am feeling this way and ANYONE would feel the same under the circumstances.

    Anyhoo, I am rambling. I know where you are coming from. I would like to say my husband is my soulmate, my best friend and my rock. But not one day passes that I dont feel the need to GET AWAY and live ALONE just to have peace. I can go from loving him to hating him within minutes.

    Life is not fair or right. We (BPD) were dealt a shafty hand in life. But it could be worse....It could always be worse....

    My advice, do what makes you feel safe and happy. If you do not have security and happiness then you will not succeed in a relationship. Relationships are hard enough on the mentally stable!

    Just know that there are others... and talking to others like yourself can work wonders!

    HUGGSSSS Melissa
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    Old 05-12-2006, 09:38 AM   #12
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    Melissa ~ Fantastic post, and thanks for sharing all that !!!

    "Leetle" ~ Specifically regarding grief and your deceased doggie... Dogs tend to bond with us (I won't write a diatribe about wolf societies) and give what we regard as unconditional love. That is a rarity in human interactions.

    When my "last" dog died in my arms, I not only openly wept (one of my only such occurences ~ especially in a vet's office full of people) ~ but despite maximum ceremony and burial - I still grieved for DAYS. Much moreso, than over any human I'd dealt with, relative - friend or otherwise. Would just start crying out of the blue.

    And I'm a guy. Supposed to be hardened and all that.

    Perhaps the grief represents not only the loss of the near-perfect companion, but grief about NOT having human relations that parallel that same lack of clutter. Or, perhaps it acted as a catalyst to expunge miles of pent-up feelings.

    I don't know. I only know how I feel.

    One major "downer" with this diagnosis, is when "others" (Pdocs or otherwise) suggest that we canNOT trust our feelings.

    What else have we got ? As humans, we're a series of sensors and processors. We experience. We assess. We feel. What's the alternative ? Take small doses of controlled poisons, so we DON'T feel as much ?

    I think I'd rather have a dog, than a Pdoc !!!


    ~ Ben (getting ready for some volleyball, tomorrow !!!)

    Last edited by BenGone; 05-12-2006 at 09:46 AM.

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 09:49 AM   #13
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    Ben,
    Hurrah for dogs! I agree about the unconditional love from them. It is so valuable. When my dog died, I wanted to get another dog, and my ex didn't want a dog. He wanted all of my attention but he wouldn't give me unconditional love.
    I'd rather have a dog than a bf.
    Thanks to you too, Melissa. It is very nice to hear there are men who will stand by you no matter what. But we do have to be understanding about how hard it is for them.
    littletimebomb

     
    Old 05-12-2006, 06:08 PM   #14
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    I completely agree about understanding their feelings and what they are dealing with.

    I know I am a pain in the rear to live with.

    I know it is hard for my husband and kids.

    Sorry to say, I crashed this morning. BADLY, so they are all going through heck.

    I cannot seem to pull myself up. I do not usually last an entire day. But today, The world is against me, nothing is right, nothing is wrong. I am sure some of you know that feeling

    I just have started reading this board in hopes of pulling myself out.

    Wish me luck.
    Melissa
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    Old 05-12-2006, 10:54 PM   #15
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    Re: Does anyone bipolar get true love?

    Melissa
    I'm glad you found your way here. There are people on here with true experience and wisdom. I just found a woman who has been stable for 20 years!!!
    First, I think you need to stop beating yourself about your crashes. Crashing is all part of the illness. It helps you learn the signs and understand your cycles and triggers. Instead of beating yourself up, try to look for the common triggers, not drinking enough water, not eating, sleeping or exercising properly, using stimulants or depressants. Keep a mood journal, it really helps. Then you can look back and say "Oh, I always do that right before I crash." or "Oh, everytime I have a drink, the next day I'm depressed."
    I have a ring on my thumb that says "Seek balance Find happiness" I think that's the key.
    It's stupid to tell a bipolar not to be sad. But chin up, there is hope. Solid, real, concrete hope even for YOU. I recommend you get David Burns' book, The Feeling Good Handbook and actually do all the exercises. It's very helpful.
    Just remember, you're not alone. We all go through what you're going through and you have people who undrestand.
    Much love
    littletimebomb

     
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