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*Lai* 05-22-2006 07:41 AM

Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
Hi all, i'm new to the boards and i hope being here will help me understand my bipolar more, because i am so confused and scared about it.

Anyway, heres my story. I hope i dont offend anyone by my experiences, if anyone feels my post is inapropriate, i will ask for it to be deleted (i'm sure the mods will do that anyway). I'm sorry the post is so long, but i wasnt sure what exactly happened to me, so i was hoping you guys could read my experiences and give me your thoughts, especially of what the first part of my illness was, so please continue to read.

I got diagnosed with bipolar last july/august time (2005), after i had been hospitalised and given meds to calm me down.

What had happened was that around sept-nov time (2004), i was extreamly stressed about alot of things that were going on in my life and i just didnt know what to do about any decisions i had to make about life, marriage and loads more. I was constantly stressed, i had migranes and i couldnt sleep, i couldn't go out for to long because i just always felt dizzy and had to sit down, it was awful. Then one day i woke up and i was scared, i dont know what of, but it was like this fear had taken over my mind and body and something had changed in my head, the world didnt seem the way it was before.

From then on, it was like something had swithed around in my head and and i was living in a nightmare of constant fear, well not living, just existing, where the days would just go on and never end. There was a point when i just didnt know what was going to happen in the next minute of my life, it always felt like i was just waiting to die. I also had this constant fear of going crazy, i was just scared to death i would go crazy.

I stayed in the state until about march-april(2005) time, when things just started to get abit better, i could go out again, i started eating alitttle again and i felt things in my head had gone back to the way it was.
Unfortunatley that didnt last very long and in may(2005) i got hospitalised because i was considered manic and i refused to take any more medication (the previous medications i took, made me hullucinate, have nightmares, and made me think i was going crazy, so i didnt want anymore medicaton now i was better).
Anyway, i was hospitlised (horrible horrible experience) for about 6 weeks and then put in a rest-bite centcre once i was ok. I stayed there for about 2 weeks and i was allowed to go home at times too.
I got discharged around july/august time (2005), when i was told i was bipolar.

After being diagnosed, i found it a little hard to come to terms with the illness. I was constantly thinking of my expereincees( how much i put my family through, how scary it was when i thought i was going to die, how embarrassed i felt after remembering things i did when i was manic), i just found myslef feeling depressed.

But now i'm kinda ok. Iv taken the year out to decide what i wana do with my life. But my life starts to look dim and scary and depressing, when i start to think about having bipolar and how it'll affect me studying, getting married, having kids, my married life and so on.

I already suffer from anxiety and have body image problems and eating issues and i used to get depressed before all this kicked off too.

At the mo, i think i'm stable. But i'm just scared because i dont know what to expect with my bipolar. What will it take for me to go manic or depressed again.
I dont kno if my bipolar consists of me going in to the same degree of mania and depression like i was when i first got ill. Beacause i had never been through anything like that before when i used to get depressed and it was the most awful, scary and horrible exeprience of my life, i never thought i would get through it.

I was wondering, what you guys think caused the first part of my illness and was that bit considered to be depression? Because i never felt down, it was more like fear, constant fear, i was always crying tho and i did want to end it all because i couldnt take the fear anymore.
I think it was some sort of mental/nervous breakdown that i had from being too stressed, then it went into come deep, scary state of depression or anxiety (my psychiatrist didnt even know what it was, she diagnosed me with GAD- Generalised Anxiety Disorder first, i so hate her anyway), and then i got abit better but for some reason i went into a state of mania, and then had to be treated for that.

My point for starting this thread was because i was unsure what i went through exactley and what to expect now.

I'm scared because i feel like i dont know what to expect and if it will be as bad as what i went through before i got diagnosed. Because that was sooo bad, i really dont want that happen again.

I dont want to put my family or bf through anything like that again, and i dont want my life to just come to a stop like that again too.

I read posts on here about people having rapid cylcing mania and depression and it gets me confused because at the moment i'm not manic or depressed. Well i am felling depressed, but not like i was when i got ill, just down about my weightgain and feeling like i am a burden to everyone because i always get ill, etc. etc. So i dont know if thats what i should expect and how i'll know if its mania or depression i'm going through (if you know what i mean).
I'v also noticed that i can get really angry, really easily these days too and this never used to happen before. Does anyone else experience this?

I would appreciate it if anyone had any opinions, good advice, anything to say about my post.

Before i go, i just thought i'd say, i'm 21 now ( i was 19/20 when all this happened), i'm on 500mg Depakote (it should be 1000mg but i reduced it myself because of the big weight gain and hair loss- my psychiatrist knows i'v reduced it too) and i'm hopin to start study either this september 06 or september 07, depending on family matters.

Thanx for reading the post, i know its so long and i am very sorry about that.

I hope everyone else is good and well and coping with everything. I wish you all the best in life.

xx :angel:

ps- if anyone has any tips about how i can lose weight and not gain anymore whilst on depakote that would be great, because i am soo depressed after gaining like 40-50 lbs, thank you.

coffeegirl2 05-22-2006 01:29 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect

It is common to feel/become depressed after a manic episode. That is normal. My tdoc has told me this, and you will read about this in many books about Bipolar Disorder. Have you read many books about the illness? If not, it might be a good opportunity for you to learn more about the illness, and what it does, along with the different types of meds that are out there, and what the meds do. There are tons of meds that can work without the side effect of weight gain.

Lostnydaydream is right. You are so young that you have an advantage to those of us who are older. Your metabolism is still strong and is going fast. Take advantage of that and use it. :) After the age of 30, the body's metabolism slows down a lot- and that stinks. :( There is a lot of good advice already mentioned for you from Lostnadaydream for the eating. I'm in WW's and they preach, and preach "Drink WATER".

Good luck to you. Take care. :angel:


*Lai* 05-22-2006 02:55 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
Thanx guys, i really appreciate all the advice. I'v been trying to cut back on my food and watch what i eat for a few months now, but my appetite has grown so much with my medication, so i'm always hungry. I'm just depredssed because i went from being around 110 in May last year to almost 160lbs now, that is just gross for me. I have struggled with eating issues all my life and i have anorexic tendencies (sp?) and similar thought patterns, which doesnt help.
I used to exercise compulsively and restrict to under 1000cals a day. So when trying to lose weight i go back to my old ways, which is so hard whilst being on medication.

I'v asked my pdoc if i could change meds, but she made a big deal about maybe getting ill again or going into mania or depression whilst changin, and that scared the hell out of me, so i'm abit scared of changing meds. My pdoc doesnt understand about my weigh problems, she put me on depakote even when she knew i had problems with eating and my weight. (she never told me weight gain is a side effect, i think shes evil). Whenever i mention my weight now, she'll say that i have other issues to face before my weight, and i just feel like i'm a small child being told off by her.
But being overwight like this is making my life miserable, i'm so ashamed of myslef i cant get myself to go out or even show my face to relatives or friends.

Coffegirl2- i Haven't really read any books on bipolar, to tell you the truth i'm better off if i stay away. Reading about it would get me really anxious and more pessimistic (sp?), i'm just a negative thinkner, so things always end up lookin worse.

But thank you both for your advice, i'm glad i loged on and read your posts, because i was just feeling so down about having ate and ruined my diet for today. I also had a chane to go to the gym today, but i got depressed about ow i look and didnt want to be there alone.

But thank you so much for your kind words.

I'll keep posting and let you know how thngs are going.

I hope you are gud and well.

Thank You xx

littletimebomb 05-22-2006 07:25 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
I'm so sorry about what you're going through, but just keep in mind that we've all been there. The dx is a hard transition for anyone and it sounds like you had a complete breakdown.
Were there any incidences in your younger life which leads you to believe you were BPD as a child? If so, start thinking back to the moods you had and what was happening around them. Recognizing the stresses and triggers in your everyday life are the key to managing your illness.

I know it's hard to think about being BPD. I'm 39 and have had it since I was a child. Although I was only diagnosed 3 years ago it's clear, looking back that I always was. But the sooner you accept your dx and get yourself support and good tools, you're going to be fine. It's just like any other illness. It is serious and life threatening and it can be very painful if left untreated. But there many people on here who are proof that you can live relatively symptom free.

When you're ready, there are two books you MUST read. The first you should probably get now and it WILL help you. Studies have shown that this book is more effective at treating depression that drugs or therapy alone. It's called "The Feeling Good Handbook." It is written by David Burns who came up with Cognitive Bahavioral Therapy. CBT is now standard treatment for depression. Get the book, do the exercises, you will benefit. I promise.
Another is Kay Redfield Jameson's "The Unquiet Mind." This is a very inspirational book by a woman who has learned to not only manage her illness, but become a very successful doctor and author. She wrote another very inspiring book "Touched by Fire," which is about the high number of creative and successful BPD's. She connects the two and makes you see how special you are BECAUSE you have this.

Fear not. You have not received a death sentence. You can lead a normal, productive and even successful life. Don't believe anyone who tells you that you can't do things because of BPD. Not true! Well, there are a few. NO: sugar, caffeine, alcohol, nonprescription drugs. Also stay away from high fat and fried foods, red meat and processed foods (especially hydrogenated oils.) These things all contribute to an imbalance in your body that effects your brain chemistry.
You need to eat a healthy balanced diet, high in fresh veggies, whole grains and essential fatty acids. Drink a lot of liquid. Dehydration causes depression. YOU MUST EXERCISE. Not obsessively, that can tip your stability to mania or depression, but moderate exercise more than once a day. I have a dog and we walk for at least 30 minutes three times a day.
These things alone will help you control your weight.
You also could try meditation for the anxiety and deep breating exercises. Don't worry if it's hard at first to get your mind to stop, that will lessen with time. Yoga is very good exercise for BPD. It addresses the whole self and feels more like medatitive stretching than exercise. I find it exremely helpful in maintaining balance.
Next week, I'm going to try accupuncture. I know it can have amazing results, so I'm going to give it a try. I'll let you know.

I think it's really important to see how special you are and the amazing advantages BPD gives you. I started a thread here called ADVANTAGES of bipolar, check it out and see if you can find something that sounds familliar.

Welcome to the world of BPD. We're all here for you.

*Lai* 05-23-2006 08:10 AM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
Aww thank you soo much, you have no idea how much i appreciate all your advice and kind words. Its been really difficult to find anyone in my small circle of friends or family, who know what i'm going through (having Bipolar is abit uncommon in my culture). I do often think that my life is over because of it and i get stressed because i feel i won't be able to get through life without emotionally hurting my family and friends, like i did when i was first ill. I really cannot stand the thought of hurting those around me.
I get worried about everything from my life now to when i get married (which we are planning for about 4-5 years time after i finish university). I often feel that i will pass all my illnesses to my children and then they will have to live like i am doing now. I just feel like a huge burden to everyone.

I do see a psychologist on a regular basis and we are trying to work through my issues. I have so many that sometimes i feel there is no hope for me.

The books that you suggested sound really inspiring. I do often question how i'm going to achieve any of the goals i had for my life. I wanted to go into healthcare, possibly physio or language therapy, but since being diagnosed and going through this experience, i have decided to stay away from anything related to health because it causes me anxiety. So i'm kinda stuck now because all i know is science and health, lol.

I think i'm going to go to a book store in town and see if they have the books you mentioned, i dont think i'm ready yet to read them, but i might have a browse through them at the store.

For now, i'm just going to work with my psychologist and try to achieve some sort of balance with everything. But where my weight is concerned it is really depressing me and i'm not sure what i can do about it becaue i'm such a harsh self-critic and perfectionist, that if i slip up one day on my diet, its just downhill from there. I'm also having trouble getting out to exercise because i feel so self concious.

Anyway, i will check out the thread you mentioned. I think i can say now that one thing i do remember when i was unwell (in mania), that might be an advantage is that i became really creative. I was always drawing and painting and dancing and singing and i started to write alot of poetry, that was actually really good.
Unfortunately, i lost the book that i wrote it all in. But i find that i'm still good at writing poetry now, which makes me feel abit better because i feel there is alittle bit more to me than this illness and studying (which is all i used to do).
(i always wanted to be a dancer and do arts, but it would have been frowned upon in my culture- i guess being manic brought that all out)

Thanx Again.


littletimebomb 05-23-2006 11:42 AM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
When I hear you without hope for your future, it breaks my heart. There is no reason you can't be in science or health. Your anxiety is temporary and can be managed. Don't plan your future thinking things will always be this way. They won't. I have met many people in all professions who live relatively symptom free. And we can all get there!
YES! The creative impulse is a byproduct of the mania. And now you get to keep it! If you start to think of the AMAZING advantages of having this illness, you will appreciate yourself more and weather the hard times more easily.
I gained weight on Depakote, too. The weight just came off without much effort when I changed to Lamactal.
It is counter intuitive, but the things you need when you are sick are different from the traditional stay in bed and sleep cure. You need exercise. I know it's hard, it's about the hardest thing you can make yourself do when you're depressed. Start small and work your way up. Choose an outfit that makes you feel sexy and walk with a smile on your face, even if you don't feel like it. Studies have shown that smiling improves mood even if you're faking it!
You ARE still attractive at that or any weight and you will see that if you feel attractive, you will be.
We all feel what you feel about hurting the ones we love. I have lost many men I've loved because they couldn't live with the mood swings. It is hard for them, but remember, you have an ILLNESS. You would not hate yourself for having asthma or being diabetic because it is hard on your family.
The best thing you can do to relieve yourself of the guilt is get better. Loved ones can be a source of strength. If it's hard sometimes to manage your illness, use your loved ones as motivation. Get better for them.
As far as kids go, there are some major obstacles. Since they haven't quite figured out what causes BPD, it isn't certain what the odds of your children having the illness actually are. The odds are slightly higher for female children, but don't worry about that. BPD's are very special and if you have a BPD child you would be able to really help her.
Carrying a baby to term is the toughest challenge, I think. Mediaction is a big no no for the developing fetus and the hormones go crazy during pregnancy, so you are at real risk for serious depression. But it has been done. Many BPD women manage to have perfectly healthy pregnancies and children. Just remember, you have an ILLNESS. There is a risk for diabetics in pregnancy, too.
Don't lose hope. You're so early in your dx and I know it looks overwhelming right now, but that will fade. Being BPD doesn't mean you have to live with depression and mania for the rest of your life. It just has to be managed like any other illness.
Good luck and keep coming back here. These people are awesome.

Jennita 05-23-2006 11:49 AM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
lai, I'm wondering, were you on any medication for your depression prior to the emergence of your mania?

*Lai* 05-23-2006 12:46 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
littletimebomb, you're so cool. I cant explain how great it feels to get advice and reassurance from you. I'm usually surrounded by people who dont really understand or who tell me that i'm being silly.

I'm still not sure about if i should go into healthcare because i really do get anxious about everything. I'm considering teaching because i think i would enjoy working with kids and all the holidays i could spend with my kids n family. But i dont know if i should work with kids, because i'v developed a bad temper with my bipolar, although i could never get like that with kids.

I dont even know if i want kids anymore though.
I kno it sounds stupid, that i'm worrying about kids and marriage at this age, but my culture and faith are very family orientated and i'v always wanted a family.

I have always been worried about things like post-natal depression and my kids getting my illnesses and i kno i wouldnt make a good mother, (altho my bf really wants kids, so i'm stuck there cuz i cant imagine being without him).
I'm just really self critical and do not like myself at all. I do not feel sexy at all and it has been soo long since i did. I dont really care about my appearance since putting on so much weight. I'm just too frightened to face anyone because they all used to say i was such a pretty girl. I used to be overweight when i was younger and then lost it all (by starvation) and then completely transformed. So now i just get comments like, how could you let this happen to yourself and all that hard work has gone to waste, and why aren't you skinny and pretty like your sisters. Its really upsetting.

I'm trying to see my illness from a positive perspective, but my memories of being ill are so fresh in my mind and i get upset and embarrased when i think of them and when i think it might happen again.

I am scared these days because i dont know what to expect, will my mania come on suddenly,if i get some self confidence back does it mean i'm going into mania, will i get ill when i start studying. Will i get depressed like i was before, because that was awful, i seriously did not think i would make it through.

I'm going to do what i can with my psychologist. Shes really nice and hopefully we can get somewhere. I just wish i could lose this weight, because i kno it would give me a confidence boost and i would be alittle bit more positive and willing to do things.
Thanx again for all your advice littletimebomb.

Jennita- I was on effexor because my pdoc said i had generalised anxiety disorder. I think she had no idea what i was going through. She had also perscribed me with diazipam (sp?) and some sleeping tablets beginning with Z, i cant remember the name.
They were awful, i was taking them constantly, even in the day, because when i took them something would switch in my head and i would be back to thinking like i was before i got ill, its sooo wierd.

Before i got ill, about a few months before whilst i was studying (december 2003), i started taking Citalopram for my depression, but i was taking that on and off.

I went through so much medication, it was horrible and seemed pointless at the time cuz nothing was working. Now i'm on depakote, and i hate it because it makes me sleepy and it has made me gain around 50lbs, so at the mo, i hate everything about bipolar.

Thanx again for your help.


*Lai* 05-23-2006 12:47 PM

Forgot to ask if anybody knew of any other medication i could take for bipolar that wont make me gain weight. Thanx

Jennita 05-23-2006 01:02 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
I ask because I have known people who became manic on an antidepressant; it is a listed side effect and not all will be sensitive to it but alot of people are. A few of the people I know that stopped taking the antidepressant did not become manic anymore. In other words, the medication was the very cause of their mania and unproperly diagnoised bi-polar. It seems alot of bi-polar is caused by drugs even though doctors will say it must have been "latent"(hidden) and the drug "unmasked" it.

However, some people are just more sensitive to drug effects (like some are more sensitive to certain foods and substances) so when they stop meds the mania goes away.

I don't know what caused your original condition of GAD but sometimes medications have a domino effect and can cause subsequent conditions.

Just something to think about, especially if you did not have bi-polar before you started the antidepressants for your GAD.

coffeegirl2 05-23-2006 01:15 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
Hi Lai

Keep coming back here. It will do you wonders and learn a lot from everyone here. The books that were mentioned are excellent ones; I've read them both too, and have tried to get my family members to read them only that is another story! LOL Read them when you feel like it at your own pace. As was recommended. That is such good advice. Don't be afraid to learn about the illness. I was at first too, but then I learned that there are many famous people who also have this illness, and they function well in this world, and are not ashamed of themselves. So, I figured if they can function and live normal lives, then I too, can do the same. :) You can do it!!

You know the ED thing, if it really bothers you, then you need to lay it out on the table with the pdoc that you think you have an eating problem. Tell them how important it is to you and how much it is upsetting you. :bouncing: This is very important for your mental health and for the fact that the pdoc should be listening and supportive of you. You can do this; believe in yourself and believe that you can do it for your own health's sake. If you feel that the eating patterns are a factor, then explain why. Only you know yourself the best; the pdoc is not inside of your head. Right? No one knows Lai better than Lai!!!!! :) You can do it!! Believe in you.

I totally understand what you feel like not wanting to go exercise for how one feels like when you don't feel like how you used to feel due to gaining so much weight. I too, used to be tiny, petite, etc. but now I weigh 144 and I'm 5'3 and am small boned- very tiny framed. It is the pits. Every ounce I gain shows. ugh! I feel like the world knows it when they look at me. The pdoc/tdoc/DH reassures me that is not the case. After the past few years of therapy I'm beginning to understand that isn't true, and that perception is miscued. It is part of an eating disordered pattern and body image problem. It is something that can be changed with modified therapy, and I'm in that therapy called cognative behavioral therapy. It is helping a lot. It takes time though. Sometimes I still have my moments, and would like to crawl under the table and hide, but then there are days when I do walk into the gym and hold my head up and am okay with who I am; regardless of the weight issue.

Hang in there. You will make it through all of this. And, you will come out of it a winner. Believe in yourself, and believe you can survive this illness as a winner! That is how I do it! I don't want it to beat me. There are days I struggle, and my DH gets so frustrated with me, and then I go to bed, wake upu the next day, and presto- a new day!!! Start over again with a clean slate!!!!!! :)

Many hugs


*Lai* 05-23-2006 03:19 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
Wow, i dont know how you do it, i wish i had your attitude. Sometimes, if i have other things going on in my life, i dont think about my illness, but of course its at the back of my mind. Then other days i just feel like the most messed up person in the world, who is going to have a miserable and lonley life because of their illness and eating problems.

At the moment, i think my weight gain has me depressed most of the time. I'm trying to lose it but its so difficult and i get soo demotivated to do anything when i read about people finding it difficult to lose weight put on by medication.
It really hurts being this size because i am such a perfectionist. Sometimes it drives me mad, like i have have a perfect diet everyday if i want to lose weight and if i slip up i'l eat junk, even if i'm not hungry because i have to start over from scratch. Its worse where my body is concerned, if my arms dont look they way i want, or my legs, or my bottom or my face, then i'm a dissapointment.

I just really want to go to the gym because i know once i get into exercising, i'l stick at it (i'l try not do it compulsively as i used to in the past). I might ask for a healthcare worker to help me get out more too.

I dont kno if i want to tell my pdoc about my eating problems, she just tells me off and is never relly sympathetic. I tried mention it to her when i went last week but she dismissed it and said that alot of my other issues and problems came out when i was manic and we need to address them first. She said being thin won't solve all your problems. I used to think it would, but since getting Bipolar, i think it'l solve evreything but my bipolar.

I have mentioned things to my Psychologist tho (shes nice), and we do talk about my eating habits. Shes going to help me to look over my eating patterns and try to lose some of this weight, so i'm not overwieght.But we argue alot about what my ideal weight should be because i have to be unerweight, even if its by a lb, because then i'l feel i'v achieved something. Plus i like the bones poping out too, but we're working on that issue. But i dnt kno if i have an ED, i dont think i do. I think everybody worries about their weight and food like me. Can you have an ED if you're overweight?

I'm sorry to hear that you also feel that way about going to the gym and that you've gained weight too. I know what you're going through and it is tuff. But i'm happy you have the confidence to go to the gym sometimes, even if its not all the time. You should be very proud of yourself.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Speak to you soon


littletimebomb 05-23-2006 04:14 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
I know things look bleak right now, but I promise it will get better. I promise!
Don't let the depression win. It tricks you into thinking you can't handle it anymore and that road leads to the hospital. You don't have to do that. And you don't have to accept the things people say about your diagnosis and its effects. Ask them if they would ask a diabetic everyday why they don't just get over it and have a candy bar!
You have a MANAGABLE illness like diabetes. Just because the symptoms are behavioral instead of purely physical doesn't mean you are at fault. You can't help feeling these things and acting this way right now, but you can help yourself.
I hope you got the Feeling Good Handbook. A lot of the things I hear from you right now are what it refers to as "cognitive distortions" I think when you look at them, you'll realize your thought patterns are tricking you into believing things are worse than they are.
There are many other medications you can take for BPD. Tell your doc you're sleepy all the time and they can try something else. Lithium is the standard, but I'm allergic so I take Lamactal and Zoloft. When I took depakote I had the same problems. I was sleepy all the time, gained weight and never had any energy. But when I changed meds, everything turned around.
You don't have to settle for depression, lethargy, anxiety, fear or chaos. There is a combination of meds that will work for you. You don't have to worry about your temper, you will be able to control it without much effort when you're on the right meds.
Please don't make decisions about your future right now. You are depressed and overwhelmed right now and this will change. The one thing you can count on right now is that your moods will change. Don't be afraid. Be aware. You'll find triggers and stresses that exacerbate your illness and only you can discover what they are. Your bf can help you, but since BPD's tend to not admit their symptoms while they're having them, it can be very hard on a relationship.
We've all been ashamed of the things we have done because of the illness. If you want to know more about mine, you can check the thread started by Goody2shuz called watching for manic episode. I haven't been able to talk about any of those things before trying to help Goody with her daughter.
We have all been there. You are not alone.
NAMI has a chapter in almost every city and they have great resources. Maybe you could find a BPD group in your area, so you don't feel so alone. People with this illness are everywhere and you don't have to go it alone.
Please, please, please don't lose hope. All of these things you are feeling are just the beginning of your discoveries about your brain chemestry. Every time you crash or get manic, you will learn more about how to control your symptoms. So, don't worry about feeling that way. Just make yourself get exercise and eat right no matter what. But don't kill yourself for everything you eat that you "shouldn't." BPD's spend a lot of time denying themselves things and it's hard to maintain that indefinately. Give yourself a break.
As far as the mania, it may come again without much warning, but only because you don't yet know how to identify the warning signs. With time you will be able to recognize the symptoms and stop them from spiraling out of control.
I know you're depressed right now. My heart goes out to you. I have been there so many times. But you are now on the road of healing. Stay strong.

It does not matter how quickly you move, so long as you do not stop.
-- Confucious

Hang in there. I'll be back here if you need me.

*Lai* 05-23-2006 04:40 PM

Re: Diagnosed bipolar and now dont know what to expect
Thank you again, i'm really glad i found this board, everyone here is so supportive, especially you. Its so reassuring to know that things will get better, thats what i'm hoping for. I haven't got that book yet, but i'll try go out tmrw and get it. I kno that i have negative thinking patterns, i always have done, which makes everything worse.

I just dont like having this illness because it was so painfull and embarrassing to go through, especially in my community and culture. Its still looked on as being alien, but things are changing. I did lose alot of friends because of getting ill tho, i ust cudnt face them again.

I am abit scared to change my meds, i have been on depakote for nearly a year now. I changed my medication so many times, just after having a breakdown, and it was a nightmare, i had nightmares, i was hullucinating, i thought i was going crazy and i'm scared of it happeninig again.

My pdoc also said that i could go into a manic or depressed episode in the changing meds process and it would be a horrible process. So i'm scared again.

I just really want to change my thinking and see things more positively.

Thanx again for your help.


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