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  • Bipolar - the depression (confused) and medication help

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    Old 06-05-2006, 01:37 PM   #1
    *Lai*
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    Bipolar - the depression (confused) and medication help

    Right now i'm really depressed. I feel miserable, suicidal, have no energy, sleep alot (well lye in bed), i'm eating alot and i see no point in living or the future. I have alot of anxieties about my future and feel that there is no hope. I cant get myself to do the things i plan, like to get work experience sorted or my uni course sorted, i cudnt even get round to ringing my dr today.
    I feel depressed from having Bipolar and how my life will turn out cuz of it and i am extreamly depressed about my weight.
    (altho some days, i am ok- a tiny bit hyper)

    But I am alittle confused too, because this type of depression is what i used to experience before i got diagnosed as bipolar and now i have bipolar i was expecting to feel the depression i went through after i had my mental/nervous breakdown, not the type of depression i feel now (does that make sense).
    Like when i had the breakdown i was in a deep deep deep depression for months, and it was like something had switched in my head and the environment in there was different to my previous 20yrs of life. I just had a constant fear of dieing and going crazy. But the environment in my head now is ok, like before i had the breakdown, but i feel depressed so bad and grow more suicidal by the day.

    I dont understand, is this what my depressive episodes are going to be like or can i expect worse, like i was last time.

    Anyone know what i mean about the different environment in my head thing?? I know it must sound strange and confusing so i'm sorry about that.

    I also keep telling my partner that we have to break up for good because i believe i am a horrible person because of all my mood swings and my anger and how cold i can get towards people when i'm depressed and how i fell like a failure and a dissapointment. Leaving him would make me more depressed tho but i would rather leave him then ruin his life,
    I also really feel that i dont belong to my family and i should leave them, because that way they would be happier.

    I wanted to ask about medication. I'm on Depakote to control my mania (soon to change to carbamazepam) but i'm not on anything for my depression. I dont know if i should be and if that is possible - to be treated for both the mania and depression. Because what i also dont understand is that if you're Bipolar and you are on meds to stop you going manic and meds to stop you from getting depressed, wouldnt the one stopping you going manic make you depressed and the one for depression make you manic?? Do they work on the same chemicals in the brain or am i completley wrong. Sorry, i'm confused.

    I dont want to go on anti-depressants because i want to try and find a way to cope without them, just like i want to with my mania, but right now i feel so depressed i feel like i need them.
    I'm also reluctant to go on the anti-ds because last time i did they almost drove me crazy with the sie effects, they made my life more of a nightmare.

    I am really confused right now about my medication and i'm really depresssed. I will talk to my psychologist about this on friday but i cant talk to my pdoc because i hate her and i find she judges me too much and i dont like to confide in her. I want another one but all the other pdocs in my area are horrible too. I might try find one out of town if i have too.

    Thank you for reading my long post and any opinions or suggestions would be much appreciated. Thank You.

    xx

    ps an anyone suggest any good anti-ds with less side effects ( especially no weight gain or mania)
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    Old 06-05-2006, 01:58 PM   #2
    fallen_angel
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    Re: Bipolar - the depression (confused) and medication help

    hi Lai,
    my heart goes out to how bad you feel right now.
    After reading your post i cannot even begin to stress how important it is that you get the correct medication sorted out. Ive just been diagnosed bipolar after 10 years of being treated for just depression. i now take a mood stabiliser as well as an anti depressant. that is how bipolar is normally treated, with one of each to create a balance between the violent swings of mood. Ive spoken to many people on here who have been treated like this for years and are now able to lead a normal quality of life. If you are bipolar you should be on an anti depressant aswell, im actually quite surprised you have only been put on a mood stabiliser, im no expert but i should imagine this is why you are feeling so depressed right now, and why it might feel like a different type of depression. In the same way a mood stabiliser is needed to calm the manic episodes, an anti depressant is needed to lift the depressed ones, in order to create the balance.
    I can totally understand why you feel you want to try and cope without meds, especially with some of the yucky side effects. ive tried to take myself off meds many times because of this. But at the end of the day we have an illness, a chemical imbalance. The same way diabetics need insulin, we need our meds. If we had a physical illness rather than a mental one we wouldnt hesitate to take our meds, and this shouldnt be any different. So PLEASE seek help from your doctor and pdoc to find the correct treatment. If you dont like your pdoc please search to find someone else you can see. There will be someone in your area who you like. I know its easy to get fed up when you've had a bad experience, but its very important to find a pdoc you feel comfortable with and trust, so dont give up.
    As far as anti depressants go i get on well with paroxetine, but it was inducing mania in me before i went onto lithium. However with a mood stabiliser an ssri shouldnt be inducing mania. With meds it really is just trial and error to see which ones work and which dont as everyone is different.Make sure you ask your doc/pdoc about anything you are unsure about, including confusion over meds.
    Dont look at the meds as being negative, i honestly believe if it wasnt for mine i wouldnt be here today. Once you're receiving the right treatment you will find everything in your life will fall into place. Dont feel bad about having bipolar or blame yourself, its an illness. And its only when its untreated that it causes the most heartache. You CAN go on to lead a happy life.
    Theres always hope!!
    good luck and keep us updated,
    Fallen

    Last edited by fallen_angel; 06-05-2006 at 01:59 PM.

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 12:39 PM   #3
    elehum
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    Re: Bipolar - the depression (confused) and medication help

    hi lai,
    i am sorry to hear what you are going through right now. i am just getting over basically the same thing. i was in a mixed state because i had stopped taking my medication and have spent the past three weeks in bed, not able to eat meals, talk to anyone, feeling like the pain was too intolerable to live with. so my heart goes out to you. and from someone who got off of meds because i didn't want to take them, and i wanted to lose the weight i gained, let me stress that getting off of medication is going to make things seriously worse! you need to feel better right now.
    have you ever tried taking any of the atypical neuroleptics (antipsychotics)? they are just now finding that they not only help with mania but also with depression, which is great news. it sounds like you need more than depekote and like you need to stick with your medication right now. i know that it sucks, but you need to feel better if you are feeling suicidal.
    i think with your boyfriend, that is your depression talking. HE wants to be with you, so why push him away just because your depression is making you think this way? you could use his love and support more than anything right now.
    i understand what you are talking about with the different types of depression you have felt. for me, this recent episode of mine has been scary because i could see it ending up like how it was when i had my mental breakdown. so that is why it is important to tell your doctor exactly how bad you feel and have him prescribe something in addition to help you feel better soon. i really hope you hang in there and try to realize that things can get a lot better than they are right now! in fact, you can be happy.

     
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