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    Old 06-09-2006, 03:50 PM   #1
    musashi
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    Should I marry girl with bipolar?

    First off, let me say thank god for this forum and everyone on it. An amazing wealth of information and personal experiences expressed. I am very grateful.

    My girlfriend of two years is bipolar. We have been through many ups and downs, as to be expected. She was diagnosed at age 18 and is now 28. She previously had two psychotic episodes which led to her hospitalization in phsyciatric institutes. Both stays were voluntary where she committed herself. A cocktail of medication including Depakote and Abilify works very well keeping her stabilized. She recieves SSI and cannot hold a job. Her psychiatrist, family, and everyone that knows her has said that the two years she has been with me has been the best she has been mentally since her first diagnoses.

    The bipolar is something I can and have dealt with. The main problem in our relationship is her mother. Her mother is very controlling, demanding, spiteful, hates me, and is a trigger for my girlfriends episodes. The mother is a staunch catholic and makes my girlfriend feel very guilty and "sinful". I could go on forever about her mother but, suffice it to say, the mother is a problem.

    In November of 2005, I sold my house, making a sizeable profit, with the expectations of me and my girlfriend moving to the west coast. When word of this reached her mother (my girlfriend's psychiatrist was the one who told her, which I found unbelievably unprofessional), her mother literally freaked out. She callled my girlfriend crying and threatening. The mother claimed that if my girlfriend moved away, it would kill her and her father. This claim is unfounded but used as a threat quite often. Both parents are immigrants, neither of them speaking english very well, though they have lived here in America for over 35 years. They do rely heavily on my girlfriend to take care of small things for them like getting cars serviced, medical appointments, etc., but they are far from "death" with her absence, as I will prove shortly.

    My girlfriend moved back into her parents house and we, as a result, started seeing less and less of each other. Her mother was vehemently against my girlfriend being with me or even talking to me. She threatened (and acted upon) kicking my girlfriend out of her house constantly.

    Then the big bomb came. In February, we found out that she is pregnant. The big problem was that she had to come off of her medication which was harmful to the fetus.

    Pregnancy was going well and our relationship was still touch and go until the first of April. Her mother broke her foot and needed my girlfriend there 24/7 to "take care of her". She was out of work for 2 weeks and did nothing but lay around, making my girlfriend feed her and fix food for her. During that two week period, I saw my girlfriend starting to sink into an unhealthy state of mind. Finally, on Sunday, April 15th, while I had family over my house, my girlfriend busted unannounced inside and started screaming, throwing things, and talking nonsense. Everyone was shocked (especially those who never encounter someone with a mental illness before) and I tried to calm her down. She was not violent just lost in her own head and scared. She ran outside, got into her car and drove off. I followed her and saw that she went to her mother's. I then came back home.

    I did not hear from her for a number of days. I was concerned but noticed that her car was still at her mother's so I figured she was just busy with her mom or was sleeping it off. I was worried but there was nothing I could do. Her mother would not allow me on her property and I dared not call, fearing that I would open another can of worms.

    Finally, I received a call from a very frantic person yelling at me as to why I have not come and gotten them. I recognized the voice as my girlfriend's but the ramblings on the other end were totally new to me. She had snapped. After she called, I called back the number and found out it was to a psychiatric hospital. The hospital could not give me any information or even inform me if she was a patient there or not because I was not family or bound to her in any way legally.

    After a week of research, many more "out there" phone calls from my girlfriend, and the help of wonderful hospital staff, I found out that her mother had called the police on her and had her involuntarily committed. She was brought up there in handcuffs and restraints! My girlfriend had not threatened anyone or herself, the mother had just gotten mad at her and told her to get out of her house. When she refused, the mother called the cops. The mother then told the cops that my girlfriend was bipolar and needed to be locked up in a mental institution.

    When I finally had the opportunity to visit her, it was one of the most depressing times of my life. She was in a delusional state and scared. We layed in the floor in the middle of the hospital hall right by the nurses station, holding each other and crying. The nursing staff were very happy to see someone visit her (the parents had not) and more than one teared up watching us. For three weeks I called and checked on her every day and talked to her on the phone when she was able. I visited every time there were visiting hours.

    One Sunday, I went to visit and as I sat in the lounge waiting for staff to take us up, in walks her parents. I did not want any problems so I went to the desk, returned my visitors pass and started to walk out. On my way out, the mother threatened me saying she was going to do what she could to stop me from seeing my girlfiend. The mother raised hell with the staff, telling them that she does not want her daughter to have any communication with me. She badgered my girlfriend and caused her to slip back into a psychotic state. With her mother being her legal guardian, I was powerless. I decided to walk away and fight this battle when my girlfriend is better.

    My girlfriend and I had discussed marriage before she was hospitalized. I have never been married and have quite frankly never seen the need for it. Now I do. I never want to be powerless like that again. I never want someone else to make the decisions for my loved ones. Escpecially someone with an agenda totally against me. But, at the same time, do I want to have to deal with this mess? I will not be able to totally wrest control from her witch of a mother and do I want to deal with that? Do I want to deal with this illness? I love her very much and the past two months has seen me crying to sleep more often than not. However, I know it will be possible to walk away, no matter how painful. If the child is mine, do I even want to know? Can I walk away from THAT? If I stay and try to work this out, I am going to have to battle the mother every step of the way, with my girlfriend changing sides every day. With a child involved, I will have to raise it for the most part. The mother has already convinced my girlfriend that the best thing is to give it up for adoption. It makes me sick thinking about it. Should I suck it up and charge ahead, or should I turn my back and leave it all?

    I could use any and all advice, suggestions, opinions, etc.

    Last edited by musashi; 06-09-2006 at 04:19 PM.

     
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    Old 06-09-2006, 04:16 PM   #2
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Wow You sound like a wonderfull and supportive person that will be there for her. You never said anythig about the father of your girlfriend how does he feels about your realationships. The daughter is her own legal guardinan unless she had her mother assigned. She can have her committed but anybody can do that and not be a gardiuan. Is there anyway after or while she is in the hospital that you your girlfriend the dr. and or social worker and the parents if mom can behave can talk in a civilized way and find out why the mom may feel so treated or hates by you. or have 2 meetings 1st on the mom then 2nd 1 with you with explamation.

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 04:23 PM   #3
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    IMO you have done so much and gone so far for this young lady. So much so many wouldn't have. She will have to grow up and tell mother to let alone, or you will never be happy. Even when her mother does that we'll die stuff she is letting her. my thought on all this is that you should wait till she is back on meds after child is born and stable, and then tell her she needs to either make the choice of living her life with you or with her parents. Parents have to know when to let go, but before they can do that she has to tell them too! That way if child is yours then you can take it with you if you want(which from what you have done for this young lady, I can't see you being the kind of father that would let this child be raised in an inviornment like the one she is in right now)just my thoughts....I am bipolar and went threw pregnancy without meds as well(it was very hard, but did well without them) There are some meds that can be taken during pregnancy that arent harmfull(but I managed without any, then again my stress was not as bad as hers)Also I do not believe that she can give the child up without you signing some kind of papers. Hope everything looks up for you two soon. Mothers sometimes just can't let go, until there told too!

    Last edited by lookin4aclue; 06-09-2006 at 04:27 PM.

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 04:41 PM   #4
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Thanks for the compliments, however, I am no saint

    Her mother has complete control over her. I am not sure if "legal guardian" is the correct term but she is legally in control. She is the payee for my girlfriends SSI and controls her money as well. Damn, I wish I could remember the legal name for what her mother is...it will come to me later.

    I had attempted to have relationship counseling between my girlfriend, the mother, and myself but the mother would have none of it. The mother hates me for a number of different reasons, one being that I tried to "take her daughter away from her". I also have long hair and tattoos (her mother says I look like a drug dealer). My girlfriend and I lived together without being married (which is a big sin). I have worked in the adult industry and so has my girlfriend (which REALLY drives the mother bonkers). And many many other reasons. She pretty much hates everything about me. I can take comfort in the fact that I am not the only one. She has hated all of my girlfriend's ex's, even getting one put in jail. The mother tried to have me jailed but I have money for attornies. She did however have me falsley arrested twice. Malicious Prosecution charges are going to be filed against her if I do decide to not deal with this relationship anymore. My lawyer is chomping at the bit on this one because it is such an open and shut case, with quite a bit of money in damages.


    The father is a different story. Nice, layed back guy. Speaks hardly any english but him and I have always gotten along very well. The mother dominates his life too. Everything is in her name and she handles all the money, only giving him a $20 a week allowance. Mind you, this is a grown man who works 40 hours a week. He does whatever she says.

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 04:52 PM   #5
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Oh my what and angel you are!!! Wow not wonder the poor soul has sooo many problems..she has got to get away from her mother and ALLLLLL of the guilt trips..I am thinking it would be wise for you to go to a coucelor and talk this out. Sounds to be a very difficult situation...Seems from reading that the parents do not want her to grow up..and are using her..Does she want to marry you and move away???? Does she want the baby???

    bless your heart...maybe even talk to a lawyer about the baby...
    Good Luck and God Bless...

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 04:54 PM   #6
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by lookin4aclue
    IMO you have done so much and gone so far for this young lady. So much so many wouldn't have. She will have to grow up and tell mother to let alone, or you will never be happy. Even when her mother does that we'll die stuff she is letting her. my thought on all this is that you should wait till she is back on meds after child is born and stable, and then tell her she needs to either make the choice of living her life with you or with her parents. Parents have to know when to let go, but before they can do that she has to tell them too! That way if child is yours then you can take it with you if you want(which from what you have done for this young lady, I can't see you being the kind of father that would let this child be raised in an inviornment like the one she is in right now)just my thoughts....I am bipolar and went threw pregnancy without meds as well(it was very hard, but did well without them) There are some meds that can be taken during pregnancy that arent harmfull(but I managed without any, then again my stress was not as bad as hers)Also I do not believe that she can give the child up without you signing some kind of papers. Hope everything looks up for you two soon. Mothers sometimes just can't let go, until there told too!
    Making her choose between her mother and I is a very difficult task. She will say she chooses me and then the next day runs home to her mother. She is deathly afraid that her mother is going to leave her out of her will (which is not going to be much more than a condo and a car, maybe), stop speaking to her, blah, blah, blah. And you are right, the mother should let the child go and the child should grow up and tell her to leave her alone, but somehow, somewhere, things are all screwey. Neither one wishes to let the other go.

    I can have the courts allow for a paternity test immediately after her pregnancy with no actions to be taken until judgement, which is the route I am probably going to have to end up taking. If it is my child, I do not want it raised by anyone else, that is for sure.

    Congrats on your child. Especially without meds, that must have been very difficult. I was fully prepared once I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant to give her a stress free life. The mother obviously had different intentions. The hospital has now put her back on her usual medicines, including the Depakote. They did this, of course, without asking me but, instead, asking her mother.

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 05:02 PM   #7
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by jojo
    Oh my what and angel you are!!! Wow not wonder the poor soul has sooo many problems..she has got to get away from her mother and ALLLLLL of the guilt trips..I am thinking it would be wise for you to go to a coucelor and talk this out. Sounds to be a very difficult situation...Seems from reading that the parents do not want her to grow up..and are using her..Does she want to marry you and move away???? Does she want the baby???

    bless your heart...maybe even talk to a lawyer about the baby...
    Good Luck and God Bless...
    Yes, she wishes to marry me and move away very badly, but, at the same time, she does not want to leave her parents. Especially her father. Right now she is in a "I hate my mom" mood and would hop on a plane to Syberia if she could (still in hospital). But tomorrow might be a whole different story.

    I say constantly that they need to let her go. Not let her come back and live with them. Let her grow up and move on. Then, I am being a hypocrite because I keep taking her back myself. She plays all of us like a game of marbles and I am allowing it to happen.

    I think you are correct in that I will seek some professional help with this Monday.

    Last edited by musashi; 06-09-2006 at 05:04 PM.

     
    Old 06-09-2006, 11:40 PM   #8
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    hi,
    firstly i want to say well done as as the previous posters have pointed out ,it seems you have done a lot to support your girlfriend and my father is bipolar as well as myself so i know what its like from the point of view of the person with bipolar, AND the family member of someone who has it.
    you mentioned near the beginning of your post that your girlfriend was taking a cocktail that stabilised her well before she found out she was pregnant. it only seems that these latest distressing problems have arisen since she has not been able to take her meds. if her bipolar is untreated, then her current behaviour is total understandable. She obviously needs to be permanently medicated, and hopefully after the baby is born, she will be able to go back on her meds and the bipolar will be kept under control. so as upsetting as things have been recently, i think this is what you need to consider.
    my father often refuses to take his medication and ends up in hospital, but as soon as he is on meds he's like a different person and our lives are all better. likewise, my life is becoming totally differrent now that i am being treated.
    you also mentioned "if the child is mine" in your post and i wondered what might cause you to think otherwise. Either way, this child will need your support especially while your girlfriend is getting adjusted back on her meds.Ive met some wonderful people on here but i know how valuable their partner's support is to them, especially where their children are concerned.
    As to whether or not you should marry her, i think the most important thing is for her to get well and stabilised first, but the question has got to be how much you love her. I know you have already dealt with a lot already, but anything is possible with love and support, and im sure the person she is when she is well is very different to the person you're seeing now. But i also know that stability is very important to someone with bipolar, so whatever decision you make about what part you want to play in her life, if atall, you need to be consistant.
    good luck
    Fallen

     
    Old 06-10-2006, 05:13 AM   #9
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Fallen Angel has some wise words to share and I only have a different point of view on one of them.
    Sad to say, I don't believe that love & support is enough to make a healthy relationship. It takes so much more - and when in a relationship with someone who is bipolar there are additional important factors other than "feelings".
    I would strongly suggest tabling all discussion of marriage until the situation with the child and the mother are settled - and if you intend to fight to raise this child I would see an attorney immediately. And a psychiatrist who can explain to you the odds of your child also being bipolar and what that means. So that you are truly informed.

    Initially in your post I didn't see that your girlfriend was emotionally or mentally ready to separate from her parents. It has nothing to do with her feelings or love from you.
    But along the way it must have been determineed that she was unable to handle her own monetary affairs - and she is unable to work so that her level of "stabilized" isn't as high as others. Despite being kind of an Attilla the Hun, her mother has been there her whole life and it is probably stressful as hell for her to cut her out of her life no matter how she feels about you
    (stress is really bad for people with bipolar disorder!!!!)
    And moving far away would also be stressful - I understand the reservations involved.

    Right now the issue is the pregnancy and I hope you can work through that and THEN worry about a marriage & a lifetime of your girlfriend and her mother and Bipolar Disorder. And between those two events I would practice some form of birth control that would almost ensure that there would not be another pregnancy until things are resolved...

    I have Type I Bipolar Disorder - and I have to admit that I would not even marry me unless I was stabilized. And if I had a mother like hers, I wouldn't blame a guy for running even if I didn't have Bipolar Disorder...

     
    Old 06-10-2006, 12:22 PM   #10
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by musashi
    Making her choose between her mother and I is a very difficult task. She will say she chooses me and then the next day runs home to her mother. She is deathly afraid that her mother is going to leave her out of her will (which is not going to be much more than a condo and a car, maybe), stop speaking to her, blah, blah, blah. And you are right, the mother should let the child go and the child should grow up and tell her to leave her alone, but somehow, somewhere, things are all screwey. Neither one wishes to let the other go.

    I can have the courts allow for a paternity test immediately after her pregnancy with no actions to be taken until judgement, which is the route I am probably going to have to end up taking. If it is my child, I do not want it raised by anyone else, that is for sure.

    Congrats on your child. Especially without meds, that must have been very difficult. I was fully prepared once I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant to give her a stress free life. The mother obviously had different intentions. The hospital has now put her back on her usual medicines, including the Depakote. They did this, of course, without asking me but, instead, asking her mother.
    Tell ya what you may be looking at alot more than just problems with the mother if she is on depakote. I was taking that when I first got pregnant and the doctor told me to get off of it right away, lucky I was just a few weeks but said that it could cause serious problems with the child if I stayed on it, I think he said spinal bifada. I'm sorry to here that she was put back on meds, and if she isn't able to maintain without them there might be something else you and her need to think about, with the meds she is having to be on this child probably won't be healthy, and I know without them your girlfriend isn't. You are really facing alot of different issues with this relationship, and it seems very complicated. I hope for the best for you. Seeking advice from your attorney might also help, he might be able to give you some insight into things having to do with her care, and the child's care that she has inside her.

     
    Old 06-10-2006, 01:22 PM   #11
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    You are an amazingly patient person! Don't do anything rash. You can always get married. The other posts are right, first worry about this baby and if is going to be healthy. Has she been given an ultrasound or and blood test to check the baby. Is abortion a possibilty if there is something wrong with the baby? Having a child is a LIFETIME of responsibilty. I know, I have 3 with disabilities and no husband! She will eventually get stable from the bipolar, you can always decide what to do about her mother and where you would live and marriage, but the decissions about the baby are NOW and have huge implications. Don't take this pregnancy lightly! Do all you can find out if it is yours and if it is healthy and if she is planning to keep it. The rest will work out in 8 or 9 months. If the child isn't yours and this situation is just too much, nobody would blame you for moving on. It is an emormous commitment to get married to a healthy person with a nice family, let alone this situation.

     
    Old 06-11-2006, 10:12 AM   #12
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fallen_angel
    you mentioned near the beginning of your post that your girlfriend was taking a cocktail that stabilised her well before she found out she was pregnant. it only seems that these latest distressing problems have arisen since she has not been able to take her meds. if her bipolar is untreated, then her current behaviour is total understandable. She obviously needs to be permanently medicated, and hopefully after the baby is born, she will be able to go back on her meds and the bipolar will be kept under control. so as upsetting as things have been recently, i think this is what you need to consider.
    my father often refuses to take his medication and ends up in hospital, but as soon as he is on meds he's like a different person and our lives are all better. likewise, my life is becoming totally differrent now that i am being treated.
    She was taken off of the Depakote but remained on her other meds. I am sure that between that and the hormonal changes from the pregnancy contributed partly to her last episode, however, it was the stress of having to deal with her mother for two weeks straight that made her snap. She has never had a problem with taking her meds (thank god) and I help her with them every day. She will be on her meds permanently, I am sure.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by fallen_angel
    you also mentioned "if the child is mine" in your post and i wondered what might cause you to think otherwise. Either way, this child will need your support especially while your girlfriend is getting adjusted back on her meds.
    I mentioned "if the child is mine" because there is large probability that it is not. She is sexually active, as alot of bipolar people are, and has a tendency to be promiscuous if I am not around. I was with her 24/7 for over a year and a half which satisfied her sexual desires as I am a very sexual person myself. I was out of town during her ovulation period the month she became pregnant. She claims that the child is mine, and it very well could be, but I have my doubts.

     
    Old 06-11-2006, 10:25 AM   #13
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ruth6:11

    Initially in your post I didn't see that your girlfriend was emotionally or mentally ready to separate from her parents. It has nothing to do with her feelings or love from you.
    But along the way it must have been determineed that she was unable to handle her own monetary affairs - and she is unable to work so that her level of "stabilized" isn't as high as others. Despite being kind of an Attilla the Hun, her mother has been there her whole life and it is probably stressful as hell for her to cut her out of her life no matter how she feels about you
    (stress is really bad for people with bipolar disorder!!!!)
    And moving far away would also be stressful - I understand the reservations involved.
    You are correct: she is not ready to seperate from her parents. She never will be because they will not let her. They have a very destructive relationship where they feed off of hurting each other. The mother does not believe in helping my girlfriend but only controlling her. They went through about 6 therapists until they found one that the mother agreed upon. She did not like the other therapists because they "expected too much" from my girlfriend and wanted her to do "homework". Her current therapist is very unprofessional (as I alluded to in my previous post) and does nothing but talk about drugs, hairstyles, music, etc. There is absolutely NO plans, excercises, encouragement, etc., to help my girlfriend deal with her illness. All her mother and psychiatrist do is tell my girlfriend that she is incapable of doing anything.

     
    Old 06-11-2006, 10:26 AM   #14
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    hi there,
    thanks for answering those couple of queries i had about your post.
    i totally understand what you're saying about the sexual promisciousity with bipolar, if there are doubts there i guess you will get a paternity test after the baby is born.
    ive been in a relationship where i havent got on with my partner's mother and i know how difficult it can make things. its an added complication that you dont need on top of what is already a very difficult situation.
    all i can say is folow your heart and gut instinct.
    good luck, Fallen

     
    Old 06-11-2006, 10:31 AM   #15
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    Re: Should I marry girl with bioploar?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by gotitbad
    You are an amazingly patient person!
    Thank you. It may be my only good quality

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by gotitbad
    You can always get married. The other posts are right, first worry about this baby and if is going to be healthy. Has she been given an ultrasound or and blood test to check the baby. Is abortion a possibilty if there is something wrong with the baby?
    The fetus appears to be healthy and no problems have arisen. Abortion is not a possibility (she is 5 1/2 months pregnant) and was never even a consideration. Being catholic, her mother forbid her to have an abortion, rather opting for giving the child up for adoption once it is born or putting it into foster care. My girlfriend has said they were going to put it into foster care which is something I know nothing about and am looking into exactly what the process of that is and the ramifications.

     
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