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Losing faith in myself!

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Old 10-24-2006, 08:38 AM   #1
Wis Gal
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Waunakee, Wisconsin, United States
Posts: 7
Wis Gal HB User
Losing faith in myself!

I'm 38 and a mom of three wonderful children ages 12 and twins who are 8. I suffer from manic-depression which was diagnosed 6 years ago. I hate this disease and am still not wanting to accept it. Of course the highs might feel good but my last episode of mania late this past summer was the worst I've experienced as I went through some terrible trauma which included police and a terrible experience in a hospital and than a transportation to a state hospital. I was treated terribly and am having difficulty letting it go.

Right now I'm severely depressed and am finding it difficult to even take a shower or get dressed. I've been in the same clothes now for four days and I still don't want to get in the shower. I just want to hide in the dark and read to try and keep my mind off things. I know all that I should be doing like, taking a shower, getting outside to walk, eating (which I have no interest) talking to people, doing simple tasks here at home, etc. It overwhelms me just thinking about doing anything.

I am on a unpaid medical leave as an assistant teacher which bothers me too as I feel I should be able to work to pay bills that were not covered under our insurance and bills that I ran up during my mania phase. My poor husband is doing his best to help care for the kids and doing jobs around the house but I am not doing my best. What is wrong with me? My meds, I feel are all screwed up because of changing so much while I've been in and out of the hospitals. I'm currently on lithium, lamictal, zyprex, and effexor. I want to wean off the lithium but my psychiatrist says I have to stay on it until I build up on the lamictal. I hate how complicated everything can be with blood tests, appointments, etc.

I'm sick, really sick. I'm going to go hide again. It is all I want to do even though I know it solves absolutely nothing. The sun is shining outside but yet I don't want to go out there. What is wrong with me. Maybe I'll get the courage later, if later comes.

Thank you for listening!
Wis Gal

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Old 10-25-2006, 12:45 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: quincy, wa, usa
Posts: 778
kiehn HB User
Re: Losing faith in myself!

Hello Wis Gal
I wish I had the words to give you immediate comfort, I dont as I've been were you are many times. Ive been in the psych ward 3 times, once put in isolation because I got angry with them as they wont let me see my list of meds I was allergic to but insisted I take new meds. Some mental health nurses dont have proper training, patience or understanding but unfortuantely they have the final say. I lived in my bedroom for days, haluncinated, hibernated, didnt trust a sole on this earth. I could go on and you would probably see yourself again and again. The good new is you will get better, finding the right med cocktail is often the hardest part, because everyone is different. In time you will learn to listen to your body and ward off the worst of these hard times. You will learn to find what works for you to help you feel better or find a way to force yourself to take one step and another another. For me when I feel myself spirialing, I go turn on my 70's music, earphone and disappear into my music it's an emotional high. I've also found by accident certain foods can send me into an awful negative depression so fast I dont realize what hit me. Such as sugars, anything with corn surup. Another words all the good stuff, : ( Just remember just because the sun is shinning dont beat yourself self up, treat yourself as you would your children when they are sick. Another idea is to set a small goals for yourself and as your meds slowly kick in it may help relief some of your feelings of helplessness. Like watching a show with your children for 30 mins. Take 15 mins to listen to your families day or 15 minutes and read them a story. Anything simple, short etc. Increase or decrease depending on how your feel. I wish you a quick recovery. Just know you're not alone and things will get better. Take Care, Sue

Old 10-26-2006, 05:50 AM   #3
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Australia
Posts: 133
munchie11 HB User
Re: Losing faith in myself!

Hello Wis Gal

I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. I've been there. Friends and family used to come over and force me in the horrid shower, coz I'd never quite make it in there. That was when I actually let them in, as I just hid in bed and wouldn't answer the phone or door. It was so hard, but slowly things got better and better, and now I am determined to never go back to that place. Hang in there. Life will be great again.

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