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Self Destructive

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Old 10-25-2006, 09:01 AM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ma
Posts: 8
wave1014 HB User
Self Destructive


I read all about everyone's symtoms and treatments for their depression. It seems like many of you seem to have a predisposition to depression. It's kind of like out of your hands. For me, I think a lot has to do with the environement I grew up in and I know we all have our stories. I would love to hear some.

For me, I grew up in an unhappy home with my parents always fighting and my father was verbally abusive to us all. It led to me always being scared and anxious. I had a great relationship with my Grandmother, who I spent summers with. It was very emotional leaving her at the end of every summer. I wished so bad I could just stay and live with her.

My mother was always working and I really don't remember her too much. She was depressed herself so even when she was there she was dealing with her own unhappiness. My father always cheating on her and yelling at us all. He wasn't all bad, he did take us on trips and came to my games. He is an extremely successful man. He's president of a hospital. However it was a very difficult childhood.

I was always getting in to trouble and it made it worse, because then he would scream at me and call me stupid. So, I went on to become very insecure. I sought love elsewhere. Saw a lot of things at an early age, had sex at an early age, drank at an early age. I didn't have any parental supervision. I was kind of on my own.

I have made so many mistakes; getting into trouble in school, drinking and hanging out with the wrong crowd, making poor choices, thinking I was a loser, getting pregnant at 19, being dumped by the guy, having an affair with one of his family members after he cheated on me for the umteenth time, then seeking couseling fro my college professor, which ended up in an affair. Then getting involved with a married guy, getting pregnant and having him tell me to take care of it quickly.

I had an abortion that I didn't want, but I chose it. I woke up screaming and went into a deep depression. Then I got back involved with the married man, got pregnant again. His wife found out, he stayed with her, didn't see our daughter. Then when she was nine months old, he left his wife came back to me, we got married and have had another child.

I hate myself for everything I have done wrong. I hate him for what he has done. He still treats me horrible and is finally going to get help. But i don't think I deserve any better.

I'm sorry I'm rambling, but how can I ever not have depression, anxiety, and obseesive dwelling thoughts of the horrible person I have been.
It just seems like all of you are great people and just have depression from heredity or chemical imbalances not because of all the things you've done and none of you seem anything like me. I don't even feel like I deserve the support here.

Thanks for listening

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Old 10-25-2006, 09:29 AM   #2
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,807
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: Self Destructive

Dear Wave ~

Of course you deserve support and the help that you are seeking out for yourself. First I want to give you some ((((HUGS))) because I think that you truly need them.

I am sorry that you had such a rough childhood and that life has been so difficult for you. I would like to point out to you that everything you did in your life was to cope with what you were going through.....everything was situational and came from doing the best that you could at an given time. Okay....some of them were plain wrong a nd caused you even further pain but it's not like you deserved just didn't know any better.

But now you have come to the realization that the behaviors and choices you made were self destructive. And that can change today if you only learn to love yourself enough to realize that you deserve to be happy and learn to forgive yourself in order to turn your life around. Do you want that??? If you want it enough then you can get to a place where you will see that you do deserve the support and the help that you need in order to get there.

First you must look at yourself in the mirror and really forgive yourself. Whatever was done in the past must be left in the not look at yourself in terms of the past but in the present and in the future. Look at yourself again and look at the person you want to see in the future....that person is confident, full of self worth, and loving herself enough to take what she sees presently in the mirror to the person she will be in the future. It won't happen all by itself. It will happen little by little as you make the changes in your life that will only accept the positive things that will allow her to grow towards that confident, self loving person of the future. Can you do this???

Next you need to find yourself a good therapist to help you on this journey. And perhaps set up a pyschiatric evaluation for yourself as well who will be certified to evaluate you for any pyschiatric problems that need treatment or perscribe some meds that may temorarily help you through. Nobody here can say whether or not you have a particular illness but it would be a good idea to be evaluated particularly if you are feeling depresssed or anxious. There is alot of pain in your past and I think that some of those issues must be dealt with, boxed up and shelved in order for you to move forward to that future that we took a peek at in the mirror. And you will get there with alot of love, patience and faith as well as hope, you WILL get there.

There are many here who will support you along the not EVER say you are not deserving of love and support....everybody is and you are not exempt from that...understood???

I hope that you see this as the first day of the rest of your life. Thinking of it as a rebirth will be a motivating factor in getting you there. Think of it as a journey, a journey of you finding a better life for yourself.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

Old 10-25-2006, 09:57 AM   #3
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ma
Posts: 8
wave1014 HB User
Re: Self Destructive


Thank you for the post. While I have many skeletons in my closet, I am no longer on that self- destructive path. I live for my kids and try to be the best mom I can. I just don't feel like I deserve such wonderful children.

I'm just not able to get over all the things I have done and dwell on them constantly. I was on Zoloft for a while, but this new Psychiatrist I am seeing put me on ambien, diazepam, effexor, and lamictal. It's really too soon to say whether they are working.

I know I can't change the past and I can only learn from it. I just can't stop hating myself for things that happened over 5 years ago. I know everyone has done things they wish they hadn't but mine seem like too many. I feel so much shame and guilt for hurting others and myself.

I am going to try therapy, but I just don't ever see myself thinking I am a good person.

Old 10-28-2006, 03:12 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Az,USA
Posts: 571
CarenR HB User
Re: Self Destructive

I pray that you forgive yourself. It is the only way through..

all emotions go into your body and cause trouble. so you have to get past the past and love yourself.
I started taking Zyprexa. for bi-polar. and I dont have anxiety, any longer. and so I know the difference when my emotions arent going into my muscles causing headaches. and causing me grief.

hope this helps you out. Caren in Az

Old 10-28-2006, 10:50 PM   #5
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: iowa
Posts: 27
JessiNorth HB User
Re: Self Destructive

Hi Wave,
First I want to say that you are not alone. I too grew up in a somewhat abusive home and had a strong attachment to my grandma. I think all of us have made decisions we have regretted and hurt others. You need to find a way to make peace with yourself and let yourself off the hook. I know it's a lot easier said than done! But try to find a release. For me it was developing a relationship with Jesus, but you have to find what works for you. If you would like to talk more feel free!

Old 10-29-2006, 02:35 AM   #6
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: England
Posts: 305
NutshellNutter HB User
Re: Self Destructive

I, like you, had a pretty 'horrible' (like to use a stronger owrd but don't know if this would get posted if I did) childhood. At the age of 8 my mum became an alcoholic, Dad then spent all his time out at work to avoid her, when he was at home it was fight after fight. Then at the age of 12 she became severely ill, with one thing after another. My brother called us the 'hospital children' as we were never out of the place. My life soon became that of a 'parental child' as my therapists call it. I got up, done some housework, went to school, went straight to hospital after school, came home done cooking, done homework, went to bed - only to be repeated the next day, and the next. The only difference was when my mum was home from hospital - then I became a nurse too - giving medications etc. All this time, I had NO relationship with my Dad or brother - no-one spoke to another in our house - very solitary. I excelled at school - but was forced to do so by my Dad. The lowest I ever scored throughout was 86% - and all I got was 'well, what about the other 14%' - get the picture?? Throughout all this I was badly bullied at school - physically and mentaly for being thin.

Mum died whn I was age 20 - and when I lived in a different country - I didn't even get to say goodbye. I was then bullied at work by my manager so bad which resulted in self-harm and a complete breakdown at 26 (first hospitalisation and diagnosed depression). Then at 27 I was hospitalised for an eating disorder, and at 28 my original MDD diagnosis was changed to bipolar.

I wanted to write that to let you know that my childhood environment had a major bearing on my illness today. But also, my mum had depression. This increases the liklihood of my problems being inherited. BUT, I notice you mention that you're mum had depression too - this may have pre-disposed you - but if it didn't, then you're environment has certainly played a part in your being depressed. The two, heritability and environment, may operate together as well.

When I was hospitalised for my first psychiatric in-patient stay at 26, for my breakdown I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I felt all the things you mention - being non-deserving, hating myself - all of it. During my 28 day stay, I learned what self-esteem actually meant and how to gain it for myself. The was a very difficult process - as, given how rubbish my life had 'always' been I didn't think I deserved to have good things, deserved to have better, deserved to have positive self-esteem. BUT, slowly I learnt that I was worth it - just like you are. Everyone one of us has the right to positive self-esteem - everyone of us.

It was a very slow progression to give myself the value I 'was' deserving of. Some guidance as to how I finally got there would be:

1. Allow yourself to be good to yourself - take all others out of the equation.
2. Allow yourself treats - a smelly bath, perfumed candels, a relaxing CD.
3. Remember that during this time - this is your time - noone elses time but yours.
4. Tell yourself that this is your treat because you are deserving of a treat - YOU ARE!!!
5. Keep going..
6. Try to de-stress. Take life in a slower lane - you'd be surprised how the world continues to go on ok, but how much more in control you will feel
7. Learn the art of 'proper' relaxation. When the world gets too much for you - take 30mins of 'your' time and 'relax'. We were taught relaxation in hospital and I still use it today - 2.5 years later in all sorts of situations.

I wish you well wave1014. You do deserve to come out of this depression - and I trust that you will. Read all you can about self-esteem, and slowly, but surely keep committed to building your self-esteem back up. I am sure this will help your depression. Keep going with the meds too - and be truely honest with your pyschiatrist - I wouldn't be here without mine.


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