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New here - pointlessness, my story

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Old 10-31-2006, 02:48 PM   #1
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 8
TheGreyCat HB User
New here - pointlessness, my story

I'm sorry this is so gosh darn long. Thank you, those of you who read it.

Hi, I'm new here, but not to the boards. This is my first time posting to the bipolar board, after posting to the addictions board for some alcohol use I'm concerned about. I realized this might be a better place to be. I'm bipolar II, deal so much with the depressions, and now that I'm on Tegretol, no "ups." I just have SUCH a hard time with my outlook.

I just feel like everything is SO pointless. I just feel like no matter what I start, I always fail, because I start to feel completely freaked out when anything becomes a commitment to me. I'm so scared that sometime I will be completely depressed or feel sick when I *have* to do something, that I quit everything. And the thing is, I've come to this feeling from experience, I always DO get depressed or sick, or drink too much and have a hangover, or something and ruin commitments.

I am obsessed with death, all I can think about is that life will be over in the blink of an eye. I was raised athiest, but became a Christian a few years ago. It's so hard for me to feel that there could really be something beyond this life, though, because my parents ingrained in me so much that there isn't. I just feel like death is right around the corner, so what's the point of anything? I don't think this will ever change, it never seems to.

Also, I'm dealing with infertility (on that board under a different name), and it's just wrecking me. I know some people might think I should not have a baby if I deal with bipolar disorder, but I don't know.....should I be deprived of being a mom because of this disease? I am good with children and responsible.

Since it's the bipolar II, I can keep it together. I outwardly live my life in a manner where I'm very productive at work, people seem to like me, I'm married, have a college degree, etc. But, I just feel like I'm destined for hopelessness for the rest of my life. I don't really live life, I go through the motions every day.

I'm scared of going to bed and scared of not having the TV on to drown out my thoughts. There's just this eternal hopelessness and pointlessness that pervades every moment of my day and night.

What am I supposed to do?

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Old 10-31-2006, 06:32 PM   #2
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: indiana
Posts: 43
mcdreamy HB User
Re: New here - pointlessness, my story

Hi there, I am sorry you are in such a state. Life is short, and we should live every minute . Try to embrace the day you are in. Pick one thing and do it well. Then praise yourself for its completion. Everybody feels overwhelmed sometimes. You sound like a kind,loving person.

Old 10-31-2006, 06:36 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bean Station, TN, usa
Posts: 2,188
mudhound HB User
Re: New here - pointlessness, my story

welcome to the BP board. There are a host of good people here. Join in and become a friend to all.
God Bless


Old 11-01-2006, 06:30 AM   #4
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 140
makeworldgoaway HB User
Re: New here - pointlessness, my story

Hello-unfortunately I can't offer any help but I can definitely say I relate to much of what you've said. I get depressed, often, & feel like what's the point. Why even bother doing this extra work that is so hard for me to do in order to move in the Spring, why am I wasting my energy I should just sleep, I'll be lucky to see my 50th birthday soon, etc, with the world the way it is why just about immobilizes me. I have never taken to my bed but I may as well for what I accomplish during those times. I wasn't raised an Atheist but I wasn't raised anything so it seems like the same thing, I became a Christian almost 30 years ago but in recent times have strong doubts even about that...and it's so hard to see how people around you can give a hoot about anything-especially the people who are really up & bubbly, it just seems like they MUST be acting, nobody can be that "up"....I myself ride the roller coaster of mania & depression so at some point I feel good again & while I don't feel ready to conquer the world, I find mundane life bearable then & "not so bad"...and I work hard at hiding it which I know I shouldn't have to do, I shouldn't do, but that's how I am-I don't like attention brought to myself so I do my best for my family & those around me to see me as "okay", I also don't want to put them through it-I also don't want to hear how I should just snap out of it & "are you kidding me???" that has already been the reaction of some to a sister who is Bipolar....I'm sorry as I said I have no answers, hopefully others here do for you, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Old 11-03-2006, 12:28 PM   #5
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: WI
Posts: 2,779
tsohl HB User
Re: New here - pointlessness, my story

Hi and welcome to this board. I don't have any answers either, but wanted to welcome you and hope you will find some information you can use. I read your post several days ago and have been thinking about it ever since. It made me sad to think you were raised without any belief in a higher power.

Do you think you are on the right meds? Are you in any type of therapy? I would hope that there are some things you could try so that you do not feel so hopeless and depressed. We are all capable of learning new behaviors that can lead to better outcomes. Please keep reading and posting. Hopefully someone will have some ideas that will click with you. best, Tsohl

Old 11-03-2006, 03:43 PM   #6
Join Date: May 2004
Location: New York
Posts: 5,807
goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: New here - pointlessness, my story

Hi, I would also like to welcome you. Sounds like you do have alot going for you in terms of being a productive employee, a wife to somebody who must truly love you , are college educated which is a big accomplishment in my eyes , AND liked by many people.

I know that you must hold it together so that others see you differently than you see your life and by what you share here that you have some hope that things will get better. And they will even though you may feel like this now.

Perhaps you are on the wrong med and could use an adjustment.....the Tegretol seems to be handling your "ups" but it seems that you may need some help with your "downs". And as we all know alcohol has a depressant effect so that must be making things even tougher. Not a lecture but just a reminder that perhaps with a med adjustment you may have better success at managing the depressive side that seems to be taking over at this time.

There are wonderful people here who are more than happy to support you and if anything ride it out with you until you are feeling better. Thanks for reaching out and being so open and is another endearing quality that you possess.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

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