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    Old 04-08-2007, 05:04 AM   #1
    nance484
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    Trying to identify with BP-why theres selective anger

    okay i read the long thread on why some bipolars chose who they are angry at, it made ma a little angry even though i can see how spouses etc would be frustrated-i came to the conclusion that its not fair-but neither is the illness, to me, you cant logically reason the illness out, it doesnt work by logic-its just plain cruel. i am not BP as far as i know. ive had depression for 5yrs,anxiety for as long as i can remember, i swing from suicidal, to just severely depresed, have the odd crazy moment with freinds, i self injure, i have OCD tendencies,i dont know any of my own goals and have no focus on anything whatsoever and cannot stick a job or do any UNI work. so thats me, but i also have major anger issues with my family i live with. so i thought id try and explain what its like to just not be able to control this. i love my family to death and would die for them, but at times there is an uncontrolable hate that lashes out. i realise its unreasonable but i cannot stop it, i am not BP, so if im bad, BP must be impossible.

    i dont purposly chose to lash out on my family, its just with others that i dont know, im tightly wound, i hide eveything from them. think of it this way-when you first meet someone, you naturally cant be open about your whole life and be best buds in to minutes, you arent comfortable with them. its like this with anger. its not i dont appreciate my parents or the fact that i put them through a lot, its just i cant control it, beleive me ive tried, if i could flick a switch and i could-id do it in a heatbeat. instaed, as soon as something is said, i shake, i get so angry i could smash things in their face. i scream hysterically until my voice breaks, im bent over my mother who is cowering in the corner. i will just yell and yell, repeat myself until im out of breath. i have kicked things, thrown food, knocked off the skirting boards, broken down door locks too, and dented aluminium bins around the house. then my brother comes in to try and stop me hurting my mom, he nudges me back and i punch him. i cant control, it, im racing and its like i will explode, i dont want to hurt them but i cant even begin to grab the steering wheel of myself. i feel good in a sense because i am backing them away, i have ths to myself now and the anger is being expressed, but thers a worse side.

    after, its not whats some suggested-that im pleased, part of me hates them for making me so angry and i blame them, but its more of an insecurity, its bad. i go to my room, instead of being pleased with myself i lie on the floor and cry, ill bang my head over and over again off the wall and cut. i feel soo bad for hurting everyone but its frustrating cos im stuck in my head with this and cant control it.

    as i said ive been diagnosed as depressed, with anxiety. i am going to a psych soon too. but i find that its the ones we love that we fly off at. i do it at home and then if i come close to a relationship i leave cos i get angry just at the closeness, i change in a matter of minutes, back and forth and i cant even follow my own thoughts. i havent flown off on that scale in months, but i still have my snapping at ther family daily, ive had screaming matches every so often, i swear at the dog and have been known to kick the poor thing, but i love my dog to peices, it makes no sense because they keep me company, i take them on long walks and i play with them all the time, i love them and would be absolutlet crushed if something happened to them,but i get so hateful towards them-and theyre just dogs!

    sorry if ive offended anyone one , like BP's who feel i know nothing about BP, your right, im not you, but i thought id help and make others see what its like when your that angry, there is no control. and to non-BP's, it isnt easy for you either i know. there is no answer to the riddle other than to stabalise the BP-but thats an uphill struggle.i thought mybe if you could see how i cant even control my anger-how hard it must be for BP's.
    well, have i helped at all? also, can someone tell me what their anger is like?? what does it feel like to you. im just interested and want to understand as much as possible

    thanks, xox

     
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    Old 04-09-2007, 08:58 PM   #2
    luckygem13
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    Re: Trying to identify with BP-why theres selective anger

    Hi pucca_chick, Yes you helped me. I am married to an unmedicated bipolar who acts the way you describe. Maybe if you do have bipolar then there might be a medication that will help you, I sure hope so. I am only now beginning to understand things clearly. After 18 years of marriage I have quite a few scars...but there's no sense in running away. You see, our 17 year old son also exhibits these symptoms. Unfortunately, this disease is hereditary. Please tell a pdoc what you told us so that he can possibly find you a good medication. Don't give up

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 12:45 PM   #3
    plainjayne
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    Angry Re: Trying to identify with BP-why theres selective anger

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by luckygem13 View Post
    Hi pucca_chick, Yes you helped me. I am married to an unmedicated bipolar who acts the way you describe. Maybe if you do have bipolar then there might be a medication that will help you, I sure hope so. I am only now beginning to understand things clearly. After 18 years of marriage I have quite a few scars...but there's no sense in running away. You see, our 17 year old son also exhibits these symptoms. Unfortunately, this disease is hereditary. Please tell a pdoc what you told us so that he can possibly find you a good medication. Don't give up
    why do i keep finding posts recently where people call bi polar a disease???????ITS NOT A DISEASE!!!!!!!i dont have a disease you make it sound so bad like if you stand next to a bi polar you might catch it!!it doesnt give you spots, make you waste away, stop your limbs from working! our brain connections dont work every now and then and yes its bad but we arent gonna die from it through no fault of our own

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 02:32 PM   #4
    luckygem13
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    Re: Trying to identify with BP-why theres selective anger

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by plainjayne View Post
    why do i keep finding posts recently where people call bi polar a disease???????ITS NOT A DISEASE!!!!!!!i dont have a disease you make it sound so bad like if you stand next to a bi polar you might catch it!!it doesnt give you spots, make you waste away, stop your limbs from working! our brain connections dont work every now and then and yes its bad but we arent gonna die from it through no fault of our own
    I'm sorry, What should I say? This "illness", This "disorder", This "affliction"? What term would be the most polite?

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 04:20 PM   #5
    deedeehurtn
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    Re: Trying to identify with BP-why theres selective anger

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by luckygem13 View Post
    I'm sorry, What should I say? This "illness", This "disorder", This "affliction"? What term would be the most polite?
    iam so in love w/ someone who has bi-polar- so you're statement is completely wrong- maybe you haven't been reading the post aor if you did- maybe you couldn't understandin how we are so torn apart because someone we love and care about has bi-polar- if you have it i don;t need to go into detail about the pain it causes not just you but for those around you. my husband goes into rages and say and does unconrolable things- as you may know- but do i feel like i'am gonna get some spots!!!! no!!!! maybe it is contiagous cause it eats me alive when he goes thorough this just as it does him...
    we are here to support each other w/ or w/out bi-polar- so let your guard down- maybe we can learn something from you and you can learn something from us..... am i'am not afreaid of catching anything pumpkin!!!!!!!!

     
    Old 04-11-2007, 09:08 AM   #6
    nance484
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    Question Re: Trying to identify with BP-why theres selective anger

    hey. im glad ive been helping
    greenidme- do you think its possible?? im not into self diagnosing, im embarressed to even suggest anything to the proffesionals cos i dont want to come across as a hypocaundriac. its just this has been on going since i was 14 yrs old-im almost 19 now. it never improves it just moves sideways.im running out of options now.

    see, these moods last months at times, and when they ease, im still not happy, im more numb, i function, i dont harm, i dont think about stuff, i just function. thats what i am like now-ive been this way for about 3 weeks now and its not moving. it happened again about 4 months ago, it lasted 3 weeks or maybe more, then i went and took a nose dive into deep deep depression were i kept wanting to overdose and on various occasions was close to trying.

    the only thing is, when i was put on prozac back in september, i didnt go manic. i got very anxious and OCD tendecies went nuts, i was very irritable too. but sometimes that just happens with ad's. is it possible to just sink into a deeper depression with the meds instead of manic??

    its getting to the point im recognising the cycles, and theyre so fast. i go months of feeling almost dead and on the verge, with a day here and there of of blasting energy, i do the usual, talk to fast for anyone to follow, im full of random thoughts and comments that dont connect, i dont think them up, theyre out of my mouth before ive actualy thought them-weird. i will run and jump about the house, laugh hysterically and last time i through yogourts at the walls in the house bcause i thought it was hilarious and felt like doing something. i look weird when im like this. but it only lasts about an hour at the most-then i slump again. ive had perioids of maybe a week were i feel brighter, i think its all ok, comvionce myself there was nothing ever wrong and begin making mental plans for my career, usually something that wont happen, i then lose interest when the mood is gone.

    another thing someone once mentioned here at the boards was psychosis. ive never had that i dont think. someone commented once it could be a sign because every so often when my minds a bit off i start getting like a TV playing in the backround. like i can be sitting thinkng to myself and then i suddenly notice there is a comvesation going on behind that. last time its been a few germans talking of world war 2(i dont know anything about germans and the war), and then a few people arguing about putting fruit in the fridge. it happens now and then but i only notice sometimes.

    what do you think?? its just my Ad's never worked, im in therapy alone now and nothing is happening. my docs dont get that i dont control these moods-they control me. i cant tell what ill be like next week. the most anyone ever came to mentioning bipolar was an assessment person who asked if i spent a lot of cach, which i dont really know. i think im just a bit wreckless(i spent 1000 in 8 weeks)

    please help, xox

     
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