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    Old 04-10-2007, 01:43 PM   #1
    goodiel
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    I am pregnant & I think my husband is bi-polar-please help!

    I am trying to figure out if my husband is bi-polar or depressed. I believe he is bi-polar, my psychologist thinks possibly a little bit of both. And we have so far had one visit to a psychiatrist who decided to have him try wellbutrim at a very low dose 75mg, for one month to deal with depression and then says she will reevaluate and decide to add other meds if need be. I worry because I read that Wellbutrin can cause adverse reactions if it is bi-polar.

    Here is the brief history... His mother was manic depressive and in and out of hospitals his entire life. In general, he is nice to everyone around him, but with me he is extremely verbally abusive. He is also fowl mouthed to every driver on the road. He has very little patience. Especially if he is under any stress or hasn't had a good night sleep. He can't handle the baby crying even for a minute and will scream at me and blame me for her crying. One minute he's having a great time at a party then he gets alone with me, espeically when he is tired at night or driving and the simplist thing can change his mood and start him cursing at me and calling me names.

    We have a 14 month and I am 7 months pregnant, so I don't want to walk out on the marriage. We have been seeing a psychologist as a couple and he is also going every few weeks by himself, he is willing to try medications. But he is constantly shrugging off things that the dr. says. He seems to always be paranoid that everyone's motives and intentions can't be trusted. He is always accusing me of trying to manipuate him or lie to him.

    He admits to feeling depressed, b/c he is unhappy with his job, and he is from England, and feels out of place living here at times, missing his friends and family etc.
    The big issue are these tremedous mood swings, which I would not call manic, he does not talk fast, or stay up all night, his mind does not race, and he almost never has a lot of energy. On the flip side, he has difficulty finishing things he starts, he is very forgetful and does tire easily. However, and this is what I question... Is this a form of mania... He flips out verbally and yells over absolutely nothing and he doesn't always remember what he says, and very rarely is capable of feeling remorse or sympathy.
    He will curse me out in front of the baby and blame me for "making him do it". Anything can set him off, and while in the past, he only said nasty things to me in private, lately he has become verbally abusive in front of other people and doesn't even seem to care that he is making a scene.

    Can he be pi-polar without these other symptoms of extreme manic episodes? Is his snapping verbally and yelling over nothing, ( pretty much on a daily basis) considered to be Manic behavior? Or is his depression for his bad job and missing his country just causing him to be nasty as a way to push me away?
    Please help..; As I said he is willing to try meds, but I get the feeling that if he doesn't get some immediate result, he may deny trying the other meds, I do not believe he really believes he is sick. I keep trying to point out to him, that his mother probably didn't realize she was sick either. Any advice would be appreciated.

    Last edited by goodiel; 04-10-2007 at 04:49 PM. Reason: noone is responding I want to change title

     
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    Old 04-10-2007, 04:43 PM   #2
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by goodiel View Post
    I am trying to figure out if my husband is bi-polar or depressed. I believe he is bi-polar, my psychologist thinks possibly a little bit of both. And we have so far had one visit to a psychiatrist who decided to have him try wellbutrim at a very low dose 75mg, for one month to deal with depression and then says she will reevaluate and decide to add other meds if need be. I worry because I read that Wellbutrin can cause adverse reactions if it is bi-polar.

    Here is the brief history... His mother was manic depressive and in and out of hospitals his entire life. In general, he is nice to everyone around him, but with me he is extremely verbally abusive. He is also fowl mouthed to every driver on the road. He has very little patience. Especially if he is under any stress or hasn't had a good night sleep. He can't handle the baby crying even for a minute and will scream at me and blame me for her crying. One minute he's having a great time at a party then he gets alone with me, espeically when he is tired at night or driving and the simplist thing can change his mood and start him cursing at me and calling me names.

    We have a 14 month and I am 7 months pregnant, so I don't want to walk out on the marriage. We have been seeing a psychologist as a couple and he is also going every few weeks by himself, he is willing to try medications. But he is constantly shrugging off things that the dr. says. He seems to always be paranoid that everyone's motives and intentions can't be trusted. He is always accusing me of trying to manipuate him or lie to him.

    He admits to feeling depressed, b/c he is unhappy with his job, and he is from England, and feels out of place living here at times, missing his friends and family etc.
    The big issue are these tremedous mood swings, which I would not call manic, he does not talk fast, or stay up all night, his mind does not race, and he almost never has a lot of energy. On the flip side, he has difficulty finishing things he starts, he is very forgetful and does tire easily. However, and this is what I question... Is this a form of mania... He flips out verbally and yells over absolutely nothing and he doesn't always remember what he says, and very rarely is capable of feeling remorse or sympathy.
    He will curse me out in front of the baby and blame me for "making him do it". Anything can set him off, and while in the past, he only said nasty things to me in private, lately he has become verbally abusive in front of other people and doesn't even seem to care that he is making a scene.

    Can he be pi-polar without these other symptoms of extreme manic episodes? Is his snapping verbally and yelling over nothing, ( pretty much on a daily basis) considered to be Manic behavior? Or is his depression for his bad job and missing his country just causing him to be nasty as a way to push me away?
    Please help..; As I said he is willing to try meds, but I get the feeling that if he doesn't get some immediate result, he may deny trying the other meds, I do not believe he really believes he is sick. I keep trying to point out to him, that his mother probably didn't realize she was sick either. Any advice would be appreciated.
    hi and welcome to the board- well read some of the other post here and it sounds like you're in the same boat i'am not dco by ne means but if i had to guess he is diffently bi-polar, and it's a shame cause of the baby and the one your carrying- but at least you to are making a step in a right direction.
    how long has he been acting like this? have you seen this before?
    what i started doing was keeping a journal and recording the patterns. but my hubby acts the same and it just kills em w/ pain- well right now he walked out about 21 days ago as of today- i'am soooo devasted but he is in deinal- you have a good chance and he is willing- be supportive and work w/ him- i'll be praying for you 2.
    hang in there and learn as much as you can about this. they normally cycle down, so watch for signs. keep up the good work in getting help for you and your family.
    and in the meantime be strong and keep us posted

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 04:55 PM   #3
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Thanks for your message, I just changed my title, b/c noone had been responding! I have def, noticed up and down periods, last week he was ready to move back to UK and see his kids once in a blue moon, this week he is happy and working on his temper. I never know how he is going to react, everyday, I have to think about HOW I am going to say something, so that I don't illicit a negative reaction. But with my hormones out of whack, I tend to pust his buttons. SO I have recorded an incident for him to hear, and he was inisisting that he had't cursed me out until I played the recording. Then, he laughed,at himself apologized and said he felt terrible, and that is when he agreed to try the medication. But I will take your advice and try to actually write a journal documenting incidents. It may help him.. I am so afraid for my kids! I pray they do not get this... It breaks my heart thinking about it.

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 05:00 PM   #4
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    I understand. I am a lesbian and have lived with someone who is bi-polar for 7 years.

    Last edited by moderator2; 04-10-2007 at 07:46 PM.

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 05:03 PM   #5
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    Wink Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by debza1 View Post
    I understand. I am a lesbian and have lived with someone who is bi-polar for 7 years. Does anyone know of a website or support person who would fit the category of gay or lesbian for support.
    This disorder effects everyone the same, I don't think it really matters if you are straight or gay, the outcome, the abuse, the hurt is all the same. So I would assume the advice would help you just the same.

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 05:05 PM   #6
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    dez, I am not gay and I don't know who is but we can still give you support and listen to you. We all hurt the same way whether gay or straight I think. Let us know what we can do.
    Marsh

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 05:19 PM   #7
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Hello goodiel,

    Welcome to the board. It sounds like you really have your hands full. I hope you will find some quick answers to your questions from people who have some similar experiences to you.

    As you know bipolar disorder has a strong genetic link. Given your husband's family history and the behaviors you have described, it certainly sounds as though he too may be bipolar.

    Many people who have bipolar disorder do not have "classic" mania, which is what we commonly think of as euphoria. Particularly in BP2 mania or hypomania often presents as irritability, anger and agitation. Other symptoms are racing thoughts, inability to sleep more than a few hours at a time, or sleep disturbances in general.

    It is also possible to have mixed episodes where he might have some depression, but still be very short-tempered and easily irritated, as in the driving situations you described. Change is very difficult for someone who has BP. Moving to a new country, the addition of a new baby and now you being pregnant may all have combined to trigger an episode of BP, perhaps for the first time.

    You will need to watch him carefully because if he is bipolar and is taking an antidepressant without a mood stabilizer in place, he could be tipped over into an episode of mania, or in some cases, it can increase the depression.

    I would recommend that you (or, preferably he) start keeping a simple mood chart where you record what medication he is taking, the dose and on a scale of 1-10, if he is depressed, agitated, overly happy, etc. This is important while the pdoc is trying to get the right meds in place. Later on, down the road, it is useful to be able to trace a history of how long an episode lasts, what time of year it occurs, how long a period of "stability" is there between episodes, etc. We always think we'll remember the details, but then you get to the pdoc and forget half of what you wanted to say. This will help you plan ahead and kindof watch out for potential triggers that might set off an episode. Sometimes you can even tie things to particular foods, or cravings, sometimes something unusual that you might not have even thought about.

    In the meantime, I suggest you educate yourself about BP. Learn everything you can about the various medications and treatments so that you can be a partner working with the pdoc and your husband. Hopefully he also will want to educate himself. This knowledge will also be important as you will want to keep an eye on your children as they grow and develop.

    Hope this little bit of information helps. Please post with your questions and comments. Hopefully your husband will take an active interest in his condition and will want to learn as much as possible so he will be better able to manage his BP, if it turns out that this is his diagnosis.

    Take care,
    Tsohl

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 05:49 PM   #8
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tsohl View Post
    Hello goodiel,

    Welcome to the board. It sounds like you really have your hands full. I hope you will find some quick answers to your questions from people who have some similar experiences to you.

    As you know bipolar disorder has a strong genetic link. Given your husband's family history and the behaviors you have described, it certainly sounds as though he too may be bipolar.

    Many people who have bipolar disorder do not have "classic" mania, which is what we commonly think of as euphoria. Particularly in BP2 mania or hypomania often presents as irritability, anger and agitation. Other symptoms are racing thoughts, inability to sleep more than a few hours at a time, or sleep disturbances in general.

    It is also possible to have mixed episodes where he might have some depression, but still be very short-tempered and easily irritated, as in the driving situations you described. Change is very difficult for someone who has BP. Moving to a new country, the addition of a new baby and now you being pregnant may all have combined to trigger an episode of BP, perhaps for the first time.

    You will need to watch him carefully because if he is bipolar and is taking an antidepressant without a mood stabilizer in place, he could be tipped over into an episode of mania, or in some cases, it can increase the depression.

    I would recommend that you (or, preferably he) start keeping a simple mood chart where you record what medication he is taking, the dose and on a scale of 1-10, if he is depressed, agitated, overly happy, etc. This is important while the pdoc is trying to get the right meds in place. Later on, down the road, it is useful to be able to trace a history of how long an episode lasts, what time of year it occurs, how long a period of "stability" is there between episodes, etc. We always think we'll remember the details, but then you get to the pdoc and forget half of what you wanted to say. This will help you plan ahead and kindof watch out for potential triggers that might set off an episode. Sometimes you can even tie things to particular foods, or cravings, sometimes something unusual that you might not have even thought about.

    In the meantime, I suggest you educate yourself about BP. Learn everything you can about the various medications and treatments so that you can be a partner working with the pdoc and your husband. Hopefully he also will want to educate himself. This knowledge will also be important as you will want to keep an eye on your children as they grow and develop.

    Hope this little bit of information helps. Please post with your questions and comments. Hopefully your husband will take an active interest in his condition and will want to learn as much as possible so he will be better able to manage his BP, if it turns out that this is his diagnosis.

    Take care,
    Tsohl
    thank you for your response. This has been going on for years, just progressively getting worse. And because we have moved three times in the last three years and I have been pregnant, than nursing than pregnant again. I have not taken an active role in researching and learning and trying to help the situation. Mostly, I have begged and pleaded, and cried and antagonized and cried... SO now with the new addition coming and having had a rough year with our first child...one in which my husband just could not handle the baby crying or any complaints from me, b/c in his eyes I am tough and can handle it...I have actively been researching and documenting incidents. I do not want my second child to have to live his first year listening to mommy and daddy fight all the time, with daddy cursing and mommy crying. I feel guilty enough over putting my little girl thru it. And fortunately my baby is so incredibly happy, she almost never cries or complains. I understand this problem doesn't always appear until someone is in their 30's is that correct? With my husband's mom it began in her 30's just after she delivered my husband and his brother(they are twins). They believe it was postpartum turned into bi-polar... SHe was actually labotimized (sp?) and given shock treatments, it was horrible. SO I don't blame my husband for being in denial and being leary of treatment. I am very PROUD OF HIM that he is trying the meds. AND i am afraid trying too many to find the one that will work, will be a difficult thing for him, b/c of his mom's history. I again, pray my kids do not get this.

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 09:32 PM   #9
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Good luck to you, I have been through exactly your situation. My husband has had his ups and downs but we have had an exciting (living with a BP husband is never boring) 18 years of marriage. His Mother has also had serious mental health issues. The hereditary aspect of this disorder (I think disorder is the proper term) is very frightening for all of us Moms. ((((HUGS))))

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 09:37 PM   #10
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by luckygem13 View Post
    Good luck to you, I have been through exactly your situation. My husband has had his ups and downs but we have had an exciting (living with a BP husband is never boring) 18 years of marriage. His Mother has also had serious mental health issues. The hereditary aspect of this disorder (I think disorder is the proper term) is very frightening for all of us Moms. ((((HUGS))))
    Do you have children and do they exhibit any signs?

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 09:56 PM   #11
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Yes our 17 year old exhibits symptoms of Bipolar. He was a colicky baby and my husband always screamed at me because I couldn't stop the crying.

     
    Old 04-10-2007, 10:54 PM   #12
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    I hope you can work with your husband to understand that finding the right combination of meds is often a trial and error process...and that it can take awhile. But it is a necessary process if he wants to be able to successfully manage his bipolar disorder.

    There are so many new drugs available now and even more on the horizon that will make a huge difference to the lives of your children, if one of them ends up receiving these genes. If one has to have BP, this is a good time as there really are some extremely promising developments that will be available in the near future. So your husband must not be stuck in the past, worrying that what happened to his mom will happen to him, too. I hope I don't offend any of our friends from England, but from what I've read on this board, it seems that we treat bipolar disorder differently in the US than they do in England. Pdocs here seem much more open to switching meds more quickly and seem more open to trying different combinations. Some of the people from the UK that post here have to wait quite awhile in between appointments and it seems harder to get in touch with them if the meds need tweaking.

    It seems like BP can develop at many points in the life cycle. Often it develops in the late teens or early twenties. Sometimes it is brought on by childbirth and a type of postpartum depression. A loss such as a death in the family or a similar shock can precipitate the first episode.

    It is important that your husband realizes that bipolar disorder should be thought of as a degenerative disease if it goes unchecked and untreated. With the relatively new spectral imaging you can now see physical changes in the brain of an unmedicated person with has bipolar disorder. In a person who is treated with medication there is no difference in the brain between the person with BP and a person from a control group with a "normal" brain. In an unmedicated individual, as the person ages, the episodes of mania and depression increase in duration, the time between episodes decreases and the symptoms almost always become more severe. This is sad when this occurs, because bipolar disorder is a very treatable mental illness. When properly managed the individual can lead a long and fulfilling life.

    One more thing: as recently as about 10 years ago, it was thought that you could not diagnose bipolar disorder until the child was in his late teens or early twenties. But research has changed the thinking on that, and pediatric psychiatrists are now able to diagnose and treat young children. There are several moms on this board who have 9 year olds that are receiving medication for BP and it has made a big difference in their young lives. If you are worried about this at some point you might want to pick up a book that I feel is particularly helpful. it is called Understanding the Mind of Your Bipolar Child by Gregory T. Lombardo, M.D., Ph.D. The author was an elementary school teacher and principal prior to going to medical school and training to become a pediatric psychiatrist. And the best part, he himself has bipolar disorder. I like the book because he approaches the topic from a developmental point of view and talks about the challenges that the bipolar child faces at any given time. He covers infancy to when the child goes off to college or the first job out of the nest. You don't want to be overly concerned about your children, but you might want to be able to refer to this book if any questions come up. This is a book I wish I'd had when my son was younger!

    All for now. Try not to worry. There are many people on this board that are willing to share their experiences, so don't be shy about posting with your questions, concerns and comments.

    Good night.
    Tsohl

     
    Old 04-11-2007, 08:38 AM   #13
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Thank you so much again for your thorugh reply. I still need to have a dr. diagonose as bi-polar, so far they are saying depression b/c they don't seem to see the manic episodes. He never has problems with sleep or speech, or anything like that. His episodes are ONLY his rages. Which happen daily, when he is tired or stressed and are really truly nasty. He explains it itas if he snaps, and has no control over what is going on. And again doesn't always remember or recognize how destructive and hurtful his behavior was. He of course always says that I made him curse or scream,etc. I always explain the only person who makes you do anything is you. But it doesn't stop the rage. He also can't get out of moods like this if I am around, if we are on our way someone, he is nasty to me, but the second he is around others, he is Mr. charming personality, and I look like the crazy moody one, b/c he has so upset me and put me in a mood, that I don't feel like socializing. What puzzles me if these explosions are part of this disorder, then how come he can turn them off so easily when others are around?
    Also, usually the very next day, after telling me how much he hates me and calls me every name in the book, he will tell me how much he loves me and It makes me feel numb, b/c I feel how can someone love me who just called his pregnant wife a c..nt b/c she spilled the soda?
    How can I be sure these are bi-polar episodes and that he is not just a nasty person, which is what he says... He says he's selfish and although he loves me and can sometimes be absolutely wonderful... he's never been able to stay in a relationship for more than a few years and my time has been used up. Yet he will then, go to therapy and tell me that when he got married he got married for life and that he would never abandon his kids. A few weeks later, he's telling me how much he hates this country and me, ( b/c our car got towed for unpaid parking tix.) and how he is moving to england before our son is born and he'll see them a few times a year. Then a week later, it's I love you and I will try the meds. He is so up and down, I just feel like I am going crazy.

     
    Old 04-11-2007, 09:42 AM   #14
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    Good morning Goodiel,

    There is a thread on here by Amy called something like "If BPers can control what they say around strangers, why can't they control their words around the ones they love." That's not quite it, but do look for it and read through it as this seems to be a common problem, mainly among those who are NOT medicated.

    Obviously no one but a board certified psychiatrist can evaluate your husband and say whether he is bipolar. Perhaps he does have a personality disorder of some kind. Given his family history, I'd sure bet on him having BP...but that is for the pdoc to decide. I hope you can find a doctor who knows a lot about mood disorders and convince your husband to go in for an evaluation.

    It is a mystery to those of us that do not have BP how someone you love can say such mean, demeaning things and then sometimes not even have a memory of saying it. I think of it like when someone is very stressed at work or school and is able to hold it together in that situation -- but then comes home and when the first tiny little thing is said or done, blows up and lets out a diatribe totally out of proportion to the event. We often say the worst things to those we love most because we feel safe and somehow realize the family member will be less judgmental and more understanding -- the family is the place where you can be yourself, warts and all. At least that's my take on it. There isn't a rational reason why a person with BP does this, but it does seem to happen fairly often.

    hope this helps a little -- hope your husband gets help. Your lives do not have to be this combative. My 25 year old son takes 3 mood stabilizers for his bipolar, and he has been healthy and stable ever since getting the 3rd med. two years ago.

    Take care,
    Tsohl

    Last edited by tsohl; 04-11-2007 at 09:43 AM.

     
    Old 04-11-2007, 09:56 AM   #15
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    Re: Is it bi-polar or Depression?

    I thought of one more thing: your husband is thinking of what is "classic" manic-depressive illness. More recent classifications by the American Psychiatric Assoc. in their Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), published in 1994 now have a number of categories: Bipolar I (which is generally thought of as the "most severe"), Bipolar 2, cyclothymic disorder, Bipolar disorder NOS (which is not otherwise specified), mood disorder (caused by illness) and mood disorder NOS. These last categories are now often referred to as "soft bipolar" and I think this might very well match the symptoms that your husband is exhibiting. You might run a search on the Internet, typing in "soft bipolar" and see what you come up with...or read the symptoms of bipolar 2 and see if it matches what your husband is experiencing....hope this helps.

    Tsohl

     
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