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    Old 05-11-2007, 07:45 PM   #1
    Dutches
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    Angry Help I'm so hurt!

    In my dispirit need to find some info about love and bipolar people I found this site. I read some stories and was moved by the pain some of you are going through. Bipolar is a very hard illness to cop with and I truly have compassion for those that are dealing with it and there loved ones.

    My girlfriend and I just broke up a month ago and I still don't know WHY?!!! She's bipolar 3, and on meds.

    She told me from the beginning that she was bp but on meds and stable for almost a year. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into; I just was so attracted to her that I didn't mind what her illness was. Thought we could work through it… So I let her into my heart,life and house...
    We ware together for almost a year and I thought we were happy together do there were a couple of issues we needed to work on, like in every other relationship. A month ago she and I plus a friend of mine, went on a holiday together. She was the one who invited my friend to join us. It was a disaster!!! I had seen her in the past acting out on other people, like security guards at a club or anyone who questioned her. However, she never gave me that cold hate look that she has (she knows how to intimidate people)
    She would tell me her biggest wish was to have a partner she could spend her whole life with. I thought she was sincere, hearty and a loyal person. She had gone through many bad experiences with her family and past partners, and I knew she just wanted to be loved like everyone else, including me.

    I wanted to be different for her and show her that I loved her. I wanted us to show everyone she and I could make it together agents all ads. But... Here's the problem I HAVE NO IDEE WHAT HAPPEND but SHE HATES ME NOW… Here it is.

    We drove to palm springs, checked into the hotel and went out dancing it was the Dinah shore event. We all got drunk especially me (I didn't know she couldn't drink on her meds at the time) we were having fun dancing, when she out of no ware got mad at me and stayed mad all night. We took a cab back to the hotel then she left and didn't come back to the hotel till next morning 10am! I was worried all night, didn't know what to do. As she came back she looked very tired so I was calm and didn't question her much and told her to take her meds and a nap. She slept for a couple of hours then we all went to the a big pool party.Her mood seemed to be down a bit, but at the same time she was so exited to be at this hug event. At the pool party I notice her looking at me and my friend with a strange look in her eyes, I think she got jealous cause me and her were having fun together in the pool (though, the three of us have hung out very often and she knows we are strictly JUST FRIENDS) Anyway, again there was a lot of drinking and to make this long story shorter.... that night she left the hotel again but before she left she started arguing with me and she was talking crazy she said something like :I’m killing you, from now on, I won't be spending so much time at your house so you can get back to your life cause i’m no good for you. Many other things were said but those broke my heart. I mad her promise me not to leave the hotel again so she went down to the lobby and played on a computer game all night till the next morning. She was in her own world. She came to the room again at 11 am and took a short nap and left right away to another party leaving us behind in the hotel, I asked if I could come with her but she didn't want me to. She didn't want to talk to me anymore and she could care less about that I was crying all night cause I didn't know what I had done (Im not the crying typ, she's only seen me cry a couple times during our whole relationship) I was devastated, I couldn't believe she was giving me that cold, I hate you look. Later that night my friend and I went to go look for her in the clubs and we wound her. She still didn't want anything to do with me. It was over. My friend tried talking to her, however, she reponded very clear saying that: she's fine and we don't need to worry about her!!

    Did she just play with my emotions all this time we were together till she was board with me? Did she plan to do this to me? Since she doesn't have a j.o.b I always paid for everything...was she just useing me? I’m confused and don’t know what to think… WHAT DID I DO?

    At the club I was so sad and mad I told her to come with me cause I was leaving. But she didn't, she just walked away from me. So my friend and I left and drove back to LA.that night. Next day she called me and cuss me out for leaving her in Palm Springs, do she never went back to the hotel to look for us. She slept in the car by a girl she met there. She threatened to kill us and she demanded money from my friend for leaving her in Palm Springs. What was I to do? She turned into this other person and I didn't know how to connect with her again. I knew she wasn't going to drive back with us...she didn't even come back to the hotel and stayed out both night leaving me behind....She left me no option. Now I had to get a restraining order cause she kept threatening me and my friend via email. She also posted new pictures up with another woman on her site. It took her one week to get over me and be with someone els.... and she refers to me as the ex b****. I'm so hurt and at the same time I feel threatened. The crazy part is that I still miss her so much and wish she would realize what truly happened. I didn't just leave her in Palm Springs; she pushed me away from her.

    All my friends, who like her say its a blessing that it happened and I should move on cause she is bad news and will only bring me down. Deep down I know they must be right, but I can't help but miss her and wonder everyday what happened and if she ever trully loved me cause she doesn't seem to be missing me.I think about all the things I did wrong in our relationship and I feel so bad do I know im just human and we all have things to work on. Did I really do her wrong with anything? I tried contacting her 3 times since then, but she replied ones with a very angry email telling me to deal with it and to get lost, she is not the one for me! Im still in disbelieve, hoping she is going to realize that I love her and of course I want her to loves me too. But it’s been over a month now and....nothing. I think about all the stories of her ex's that she told me and can't help but wonder if they were true. Did they realy do her wrong or does she just blamed them for her own actions...can she trully love anyone or is she always going to try and be the victom. Or did she just not love me. She has told me in the past that she can get away with anything cause she can always blame it on being bp. Does she know what she is doing? The thing is she is a very smart girl but she just doesn't want to take responsibility for her own life...

    What can I do to get through to her???? I know…. move on!!! If someone out there is bp and understands what I’m going through please talk to me...

    Last edited by Dutches; 05-11-2007 at 08:44 PM.

     
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    Old 05-11-2007, 08:04 PM   #2
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    I'm not going to comment on the rest, thats for you to decide. But something to remember. No one who is Bipolar, schiz, depressed, or any other form of psychosis should ever drink any amount ever. ESPEICALLY if they are on medication (and hopefully they are on meds) becuase not only is it possible for them to have a dangerous reaction (depending on how much alochol and what meds and how many mg's), but it also cancels out the effective properties of the medication PLUS it amplifies whatever your condition is that your taking the meds for in the first place.


    unfortunately, like you, I've seen what it can do.

    Last edited by JasonFMX; 05-11-2007 at 08:04 PM.

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 08:07 PM   #3
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    I can relate to what you are saying and feeling. I truly can. I felt that way with my ex he broke it off for really no good reason. It made me question every single thing like what you have mentioned. He was Bipolar with Borderline and blamed me for a lot of things. He often took the position that everyone had done him an injustice and that he had done nothing wrong. Though there were parts of that that were true and parts that were only true in his own mind. At times, it was almost impossible to separate the two things. In the end, I was left with a broken heart and wondering, like you, what did I exactly do and whether it had all been a game to him or not. It took me a while to see that perhaps it might not have been a game that for once he was scared that someone was willing to stick it out with him and instead of running the other way. He had not been in a large amount of relationships and his inexperience showed really. I was patient and understanding till he left. She may have felt the need to save you from her moods feeling well that you might not be able to take it and leave anyway. There could be any number of reasons why she did what she did and only she really has the answers. Right now she sounds very unstable and she might not know or grasp what they are. Sometimes there is no real answer to why people do what they do and with her the answer might not be anything even close to what you might be thinking. I know you love her a great deal simply (not because you say so) but because you are willing to try and understand something like this illness. But sometimes we have to let them go in order for anyone to find the answers that are needed. I am sorry you are in such pain and hope soon that life will go on whether or not she comes back to you.

    Take care,

    Eme

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 08:25 PM   #4
    Dutches
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    Thak you for responding and reading my looong story. I just had to get it out and didn't want to overload my friends. I know it's better for me to move on...I guess thats my only option at this point! DO, im not the typ to be the VICTOM, I feel so powerless agains this situation. Thanks for your nice words

     
    Old 05-11-2007, 08:27 PM   #5
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    Sorry to hear about your experience with your ex. It sounds very simmulare to mine.

     
    Old 05-12-2007, 04:41 AM   #6
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    dutches I am sorry your having such a hard time. Do not blame yourself or try to figure out what you did wrong. If your gf is not medicated she probably is not even sure of what she is doing. She is probably a nice person that is having a hard time with bp. Believe me when I say you cant figure it out because I have been trying for years to figure out what my husband does and cannot.

     
    Old 05-12-2007, 07:44 AM   #7
    Dutches
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    The thing is marshmallow, she IS on her medication.She is on seroquel and tegratol. I'm pretty sure she is taking her meds cause she always has in the past. That's way i'm not sure how much is to actually blame on "Mania" or is she just using her illness to do what she wants to do without having to take responsibility. The fact is im sure she knows she isn't supposed to drink on her meds, she is very aware about her illness. In the past we spoke a lot about her manias, we would talk so much that she would start remembering what she did in her black out moment, which was very exiting to her. She would talk open to me about it and even laugh about all the crazy things she had done. She isn't in denial of her situation that's what makes it even harder for me to understand why she did what she did. She even said in her email " hope you felt my mania". I truly think she knows what she is doing, plus she uses it to her own benefit. She lives off a disability check and at home with her mother....

    She and her mother have a very wired relationship! Her mother is cold like ice. I don't think she ever held or kisses or even hugged her own daughter let alone told her she loves her. But anyway, I guess its not my problem or worries any more and I need to stop!

    I read some of the stories of you and your husband and as far as the blaming goes its strange that people with bp do the same mental games. Blaming others for every little thing......thanks for responding and I know your right, I can't figure her out and probably should stop trying.If she wanted me to know she would be waking up with me this morning.....!

     
    Old 05-12-2007, 03:19 PM   #8
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    dutches I must of misread what you wrote about her being on meds. Maybe they are not working properly but to save you more heartache maybe it is best to move on. I keep trying over and over and keep getting hurt. Sometimes we have to cut our losses and move on and let the hurting heal. I feel badly for you and hope you can feel better soon. Life is tough sometimes and bp can complicate things. I just hate to see people hurting and wish I knew how to take the pain away. I think the ones with bp hurt as much as we do but they often do not realize how much they hurt us.

     
    Old 05-12-2007, 08:08 PM   #9
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    Dutches, I can relate to what you are going through and came here looking for an answer also. What I have come to realize is that the hardest thing about being in love with someone who is BP (or in my case suspect is BP) is that you do not have any idea what they are going through or what they are thinking when they make these kind of decisions. I believe that in their mind, at that time, they honestly think they are doing this for you, sparing you the pain of what they are going through, even though it only makes sense to them. There is no clear or logical reason, but they do try to qualify it in their own way,
    Obviously, no one can tell you what to do, but we can share our experiences and advice, while giving you the support you need whatever you decide to do.
    What I have realized (at least in my experience) is that if you do get back together, there is a very good chance this will happen again. You have to ask yourself if you are strong enough to go through the heartbreak each time it does happen. Even though you know that they are not causing this behavior, and that they are not in control of what is happening, it still hurts and it always will. I always thought that love could conquer all problems. Unfortunately, I don’t think that is enough in this situation.

     
    Old 05-13-2007, 10:23 AM   #10
    Dutches
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    deguy65, your right i don't think I could handle or even want to handle a situation like this over and over again. It hurts to much plus its not healhy for my own sanity. I just feel so betrayed and abandon by her actions! I don't know what your situation is but it sounds like you've a good understand on what to exspect from a relationship with a bp person. I hope you find your answer to what ever it is your looking for. thanks for your words.

     
    Old 05-13-2007, 11:23 AM   #11
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    dutches hope your feeling better today. I know it takes a lot out of a person going through an ordeal like you did. I know I became so drained that sometimes I felt it was an effort to function. It hits you at the very core of your soul. I think not being able to figure out the reason for things exaggerates the whole thing too because you feel at a loss for understanding it all. Keep posting and do not take on any blame. I know I was constantly questioning myself to see if I was at fault.

     
    Old 05-13-2007, 03:48 PM   #12
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    I can't help but feel like it was all my fault. How can someone say they love you then in the very next moment hate you and walk out of your life with out even looking back. I wish I could do that, just get angry and wash my hands of her.But im to hurt and still in shock, that I can't find the anger in me to forget about her. Im sorry to vent so much, im really trying to deal with this and move on but I feel like im frozen in my obsession of trying to figure her out. If she at least would call or just email me telling me why.....!Its not like I want to get back together, I just want to understand why...... I knew marshmallow......its not going to happen! I guess time is the only thing that can heal this feeling of...powerless emptiness that Im feeling. thank you for checking on me I really appreciate it.

     
    Old 05-13-2007, 03:49 PM   #13
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    I can't help but feel like it was all my fault. How can someone say they love you then in the very next moment hate you and walk out of your life with out even looking back. I wish I could do that, just get angry and wash my hands of her.But im to hurt and still in shock, that I can't find the anger in me to forget about her. Im sorry to vent so much, im really trying to deal with this and move on but I feel like im frozen in my obsession of trying to figure her out. If she at least would call or just email me telling me why.....!Its not like I want to get back together, I just want to understand why...... I knew marshmallow......its not going to happen! I guess time is the only thing that can heal this feeling of...powerless emptiness that Im feeling. thank you for checking on me I really appreciate it.

     
    Old 05-13-2007, 08:49 PM   #14
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    I can't believe I just read this, it sounds like exactly what I am going thru. The guy I love, the guy who has loved me for 3 years, has shown me so much love, caring and understanding, suddenly sent an EMAIL saying, he started getting the feeling where he "had to be alone". This is the guy who never would hurt me for anything. He told me from the beginning about his BP, and the meds he is on. He would warn me when the Dr would change his meds, saying he may be a lil different. Things were moving as HEEEE wanted them to, He talked marriage early on, I was slower than him, I felt it best, but we were so happy and on the verge of being happier, when he suddenly needed to be alone. He has ignored every call, every email, every text msg, of mine, Ive just begged him to plz just let me know hes okay, but I can't get thru. I can't begin to tell you what a 180 degree difference this is with him. I am left with a broken heart, and a worry for him thats so deep and constant that my day is filled with it from morning til sleep. I don't know what else to do, I found this site in hopes of understanding BP better. Its so sad, my heart breaks for him, for me, for what we were and what we could have been.

     
    Old 05-13-2007, 10:17 PM   #15
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    Re: Help I'm so hurt!

    Im right there with you!!! I feel your pain. I can't even say to you its for the better and move on cause I know you know that already and if it was that easy you wouldn't be on this site trying to find answers to calm the pain....! A broken heart sucks!!! In your case it sounds like he might be tripping because of the change of medicine, however I've learned from my experience you just don't know and if he makes a turn around and comes back to you, this probably will happen many times again. As I'm talking to you i'm talking to myself and I hear what Im saying in my head and it makes sense to let go and move on. Cause i know I couldn't handle going through this over and over again with my ex grilfriend but I still want her to come back to me!!!! Just one more peaceful moment just one last kiss... I know it wouldn't be enough and it wouldn't work between us cause she is just to unstable.So I have no advice to give.However, I have to thank you for your words cause I was just going to email her and tell her how much Im hurting but after reading what you wrote, it probably wouldn't even matter to her. So thank you. Im so glad I found this site cause I could never talk to any of my friends like this, everyone things of me to be this strong beautiful person that could have anyone I want.... but really Im so broken by this I forgot how to be strong and when i look in the mirror I see a person that wasn't good enough for the one I love.

     
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