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    Old 06-12-2007, 07:00 AM   #1
    pamelareichert
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    Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    OK so I am bp just found out I am bp about 4 months ago! I went threw a manic phase last summer (although then I didnt know what was going on)...I put my husband threw hell and back. for starters I went to cali to visit my dad for a month. I was out with my cousin clubbing for basically the whole time! wait let me back up...before I left I had smoked pot and he threw what I had away...so I fought with him and we both agreed on divorce. This was a few days before I left....Now back to last summer. So, I was in cali. I didnt care to call him but he called me! I didnt cheat on him there although I had plenty of chances to! So, I came back we didnt hug nothing... I started seeing some guy! He found out and went off broke my pc (i dont blame him). He asked me to stop and I wouldnt! This guy made me feel good...pretty and wanted! So I said I wanted a divorce! I put my husband threw hell and back! He ended up at the doc office with a panic attack. He had a few at home. My husband begged me to stay he said I am asking you to take me back give me another chance..I didnt listen.. I ended up cheating on my husband. I told him. He still wanted to work things out. Finally I ended it with the other man. And sought help. Now, every time im on the pc or get a call on my cell phone he accuses me of cheating. Even though my cell has caller ID (its my dad calling) I dont know how I can ever earn his trust back or maybe I cant and maybe we will just end up in divorce anyway!!

    Pamela

     
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    Old 06-12-2007, 07:20 AM   #2
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Pam I did something similar, long story short we are very happy today. It has been 4 years and I had BP for 7 of them. But you need to have a heart to heart with hubby. BP or not, things do happen and people do make mistakes sometimes. You have to first be sorry that you did this and tell him and then ask him what you can do to gain his trust, assuming you still love him, that is why you posted this, then maybe see a counselor or get a marriage help book?
    I dont know the right answer for YOU but you definately need to talk about this esp since the call was your dad.
    Maybe you can agree to a compromise. I know it seems so hard right now, me and my hubby went through this and it took a year to get it all set.
    Now sometimes I even think about the past and regret and hate myself. The thing is that he really did forgive me and that is why.

    Question is, does your husband really forgive you? That is up to him and even if you ask you cant make him.
    But if he can forgive you, it also may take time, so you two need to be talking about everything and keep it all open communication, If you dont the marriage will fall apart.
    He may want you to do certain things to prove you wont do this again, maybe you can let him answer the phone, if you have nothing to hide? I dont know, that is up to you, but keep the communication that is the only way it can work. There is a lot to do, I know but you will get there if you show him you are willing. Episodes or not, that is beside the point. Make sure he knows about BP and how it affects you.
    Well I wish you the best of luck!
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    Old 06-12-2007, 11:40 AM   #3
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Pamela & Leomia

    Your stories are about the same. For a us BPer,it is important to "look back" at our mistakes and ask forgivness for our actions. About 3 weeks ago I started a thread called....."Looking Back"-A Bipolar Perspective...In part, I would like to share it with you two :

    I have said,a number of times...My Mission here is to : Guide,Encourage,and Surpport those who are dealing with Bipolar Disorder. Perhaps,one of the best ways I can meet this Mission;is to "Look Back" on my own life. A very important person,Mrs Eyes, gave me the guidence toward many years of stability. It is my hope, that all who read this thread,will receive reasureance that life with BP, can be happy and successful. Please,contribute your positive thoughts,and "Look Back" at your successes...The following is devoted to Mrs Eyes...and all of you :

    Looking Back...
    Over my life,I can see where I caused you strife.
    But I know...yes.I know,
    I'd never make that same mistake again.
    Looking Back...
    Over my dreams,I can see why wise men dream.
    But if I'd just had a chance,
    I'd never make that same mistake again.
    Once my cup was over flowing (mania),
    But I gave nothing in return.
    Now I can't begin to tell you,
    What a lesson,I have learned.
    Looking Back...
    Over the same,I can see when Love turn to Hate.
    But I know...Oh yes...I know,
    I'd never make that same mistake again.

     
    Old 06-12-2007, 12:03 PM   #4
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by leomia View Post
    Pam I did something similar, long story short we are very happy today. It has been 4 years and I had BP for 7 of them. But you need to have a heart to heart with hubby. BP or not, things do happen and people do make mistakes sometimes. You have to first be sorry that you did this and tell him and then ask him what you can do to gain his trust, assuming you still love him, that is why you posted this, then maybe see a counselor or get a marriage help book?
    I dont know the right answer for YOU but you definately need to talk about this esp since the call was your dad.
    Maybe you can agree to a compromise. I know it seems so hard right now, me and my hubby went through this and it took a year to get it all set.
    Now sometimes I even think about the past and regret and hate myself. The thing is that he really did forgive me and that is why.

    Question is, does your husband really forgive you? That is up to him and even if you ask you cant make him.
    But if he can forgive you, it also may take time, so you two need to be talking about everything and keep it all open communication, If you dont the marriage will fall apart.
    He may want you to do certain things to prove you wont do this again, maybe you can let him answer the phone, if you have nothing to hide? I dont know, that is up to you, but keep the communication that is the only way it can work. There is a lot to do, I know but you will get there if you show him you are willing. Episodes or not, that is beside the point. Make sure he knows about BP and how it affects you.
    Well I wish you the best of luck!
    I have asked him to forgive me. I have told him all my passwords (my pc) to everything. I have nothing to hide!! I keep telling him that. When the phone rang he was a sleep and my son answered it. He said who knows who our son was talking to!! I showed him it was my dad but since my dad called from his home phone which is not programed into my cell phone he said it was someone else! I said look its a cali number he said well anyone could get a cali number! I told him to call the number back. Then he only gets madder. so, when I can prove my innocence he is still freaking out. He says he forgives me but I dont know... I guess if he did then maybe he would be acting like this??? When I do talk to him about it he shuts down!! I have told him how sorry I was and even cried b/c I was so sorry!! I just am at a lost on how to prove to this man how sorry I am How I wish I could go back in time. I cant so what now.
    Pamela

     
    Old 06-12-2007, 12:59 PM   #5
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    I would say try to get him alone on a heart to heart. then you can honestly tell him how you feel and what its doing to you etc. maybe He needs to hear it again, I dont know. Well I hope this works out for you, sorry your having a rough time of it.
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    Old 06-12-2007, 01:35 PM   #6
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Perhaps you'll just have to prove yourself through time. Some people have a very hard time forgiving and moving on. It can take years. It doesn't sound like he would be open to attending some sessions of couple's therapy...but I would suggest it anyway, telling him you will do anything to try to help him regain his trust in you and to restore his faith in your marriage.

    His ego has been very bruised by your infidelity. This may be his way of punishing you, perhaps even sub-consciously.

    Do you go to church? If so, you could get some pastoral counseling, I would think.

    Hang in there and keep trying.
    Tsohl

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 01:59 PM   #7
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Hi pamelareichert, I am on the other side. what you did mirrors what my wife did also, though It looks like my wife was at it a little longer. I compleatly understand how your husband feels now, as I acted pretty much the same as your husband is. though I never broke anything. (except 2 cell phones, but they were my own and I was alone)
    Please understand that I am not in anyway taking sides. I read every peice of BP info I could get my hands on to try to understand I went to therapy to get help understanding my wifes BP. Understanding helps a little and I can be compasionate and when she says mean things I can accept her appology, but then there is the other guy and the psyical contact and the male ego. that's what is causing all his pain.
    Has anyone you ever loved deeply cheated on you?
    I tried to work things out but sometimes when I look at her all I see is the other guy and have thoughts like:
    why did she do this, was he better than me, what did he have that I don't, what was she trying to accomplish, did she love him, was he better in bed how many times was she with him ect..
    ladies befor you comment I already know this is shalllow immature thinking, but this is how the male brain is wired and has been since we were cave men ( gee we have come a long way huh)
    His guard is way up and he is trying to protect his ego, which right now is badly damaged. he may be able to get over it in time but a blow like this is not easily forgiveable, if ever.
    I know for me I am not able to get a reason as to why this happened she says she doesn't know why, except that he treated her "like a Princess" and that felt good to her for a while, but I always treated her like that and she admits it now, so why did it happen? because you are BP? well then does that mean that it could easily happen again if you are not well? He is thinking that, trust me
    I am not bashing you or anyone with BP, just trying to show what your husband may be going through emmotionaly as I was in the same place myself
    He is struggling with his self esteem and feels that he was replaced by someone better. If you can, try working on his ego. us men are are like children and need to be praised when we do something right including Sex. He feels threatened by other men right now.
    everytime you leave his sight he is wondering if you are with another guy.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 04:47 PM   #8
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Hi distroyed,

    Sorry to interrupt this original thread, but after reading your post I wanted you to know something - I recently read an article written by a psychologist who said that people who cheat on their spouses are dealing with issues within themself (anger, depression, boredom, etc...), it has NOTHING to do with the other person or how wonderful they are or what they were 'lacking'. I thought this may be helpful for you after reading the things that you go over in your mind about why she did it, for whatever reason your wife was unfaithful, it was within her and because of her own issues.

    ~pamelareichert, I wish you the best with reconciling with your husband. Everyone's situation is different - I am married to a bipolar hubbie but there has been no infidelity. I'm not sure I could forgive that and I know my husband wouldn't, but there are successful couples who work thru it and past it. I would think that if you are working hard on your marriage, committed to being well, and maybe if you two could attend couples therapy as Tsohl suggested, there may be a chance...

    Take care,
    4support

    Last edited by 4support; 06-13-2007 at 04:48 PM.

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 06:12 PM   #9
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by distroyed View Post
    Hi pamelareichert, I am on the other side. what you did mirrors what my wife did also, though It looks like my wife was at it a little longer. I compleatly understand how your husband feels now, as I acted pretty much the same as your husband is. though I never broke anything. (except 2 cell phones, but they were my own and I was alone)
    Please understand that I am not in anyway taking sides. I read every peice of BP info I could get my hands on to try to understand I went to therapy to get help understanding my wifes BP. Understanding helps a little and I can be compasionate and when she says mean things I can accept her appology, but then there is the other guy and the psyical contact and the male ego. that's what is causing all his pain.
    Has anyone you ever loved deeply cheated on you?
    I tried to work things out but sometimes when I look at her all I see is the other guy and have thoughts like:
    why did she do this, was he better than me, what did he have that I don't, what was she trying to accomplish, did she love him, was he better in bed how many times was she with him ect..
    ladies befor you comment I already know this is shalllow immature thinking, but this is how the male brain is wired and has been since we were cave men ( gee we have come a long way huh)
    His guard is way up and he is trying to protect his ego, which right now is badly damaged. he may be able to get over it in time but a blow like this is not easily forgiveable, if ever.
    I know for me I am not able to get a reason as to why this happened she says she doesn't know why, except that he treated her "like a Princess" and that felt good to her for a while, but I always treated her like that and she admits it now, so why did it happen? because you are BP? well then does that mean that it could easily happen again if you are not well? He is thinking that, trust me
    I am not bashing you or anyone with BP, just trying to show what your husband may be going through emmotionaly as I was in the same place myself
    He is struggling with his self esteem and feels that he was replaced by someone better. If you can, try working on his ego. us men are are like children and need to be praised when we do something right including Sex. He feels threatened by other men right now.
    everytime you leave his sight he is wondering if you are with another guy.
    Hi Distroyed,

    You do NOT have shallow immature thinking, please do NOT put yourself down in any way. I think what you MAY have is a lack of self esteem/self confidence this may or may not be related to what has gone on in this relationship. You are not like a child, nor are all men, IMHO. She cheated on you, for whatever reason...betrayal hurts. You cannot changer her, you can only change yourself. I do hope you seek out counseling for yourself alone. Self confidence is sexy and right now you don't seem to have enough. There is a song by Christina Aguilera called "Fighter" about betrayal and how she has come out stronger in the end of it all. I suggest you "fanoogle" it & listen to it. If you don't go through this without becoming better for it then you are just a victim. Try to become stronger and better for it, DON'T let her destroy you. Keep your chin up!



    Luvya,



    Luckygem

     
    Old 06-13-2007, 06:27 PM   #10
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by pamelareichert View Post
    OK so I am bp just found out I am bp about 4 months ago! I went threw a manic phase last summer (although then I didnt know what was going on)...I put my husband threw hell and back. for starters I went to cali to visit my dad for a month. I was out with my cousin clubbing for basically the whole time! wait let me back up...before I left I had smoked pot and he threw what I had away...so I fought with him and we both agreed on divorce. This was a few days before I left....Now back to last summer. So, I was in cali. I didnt care to call him but he called me! I didnt cheat on him there although I had plenty of chances to! So, I came back we didnt hug nothing... I started seeing some guy! He found out and went off broke my pc (i dont blame him). He asked me to stop and I wouldnt! This guy made me feel good...pretty and wanted! So I said I wanted a divorce! I put my husband threw hell and back! He ended up at the doc office with a panic attack. He had a few at home. My husband begged me to stay he said I am asking you to take me back give me another chance..I didnt listen.. I ended up cheating on my husband. I told him. He still wanted to work things out. Finally I ended it with the other man. And sought help. Now, every time im on the pc or get a call on my cell phone he accuses me of cheating. Even though my cell has caller ID (its my dad calling) I dont know how I can ever earn his trust back or maybe I cant and maybe we will just end up in divorce anyway!!

    Pamela
    I guess you have to decide how much of his insecurities you are willing to deal with. He has been damaged by your actions and that is shown with his insecure behavior. If he didn't love you he wouldn't bother checking on you and where you have been and who you have been talking too. How do feel about that? Do you think you can easily replace that love? This is the price you have to pay for cheating on him. It's up to you to decide how long and how much you want to put up with. He is going to do this until he stops hurting. Therapy can probably shorten that time. Good luck to you!

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 09:26 AM   #11
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by luckygem13 View Post
    I guess you have to decide how much of his insecurities you are willing to deal with. He has been damaged by your actions and that is shown with his insecure behavior. If he didn't love you he wouldn't bother checking on you and where you have been and who you have been talking too. How do feel about that? Do you think you can easily replace that love? This is the price you have to pay for cheating on him. It's up to you to decide how long and how much you want to put up with. He is going to do this until he stops hurting. Therapy can probably shorten that time. Good luck to you!
    I realize I hurt him.....I cant even imagine how much i hurt him. I wish to God I can take it all back! I am putting up with his insecure behavior b/c I am the one who caused it. I just get upset when I can prove I havent done anything wrong and yet he is still accusing me! Like working...when I have to work over my pay checks reflect that I have been there. I am glad he loves me really... because I never realized how much I loved him until I was put on meds. and my brain is finally getting straightened out. for you question can i replace his love NEVER!!!!! I am just at a lost on what to do when he still is accusing me when I can prove to him the truth!!!!
    Pamela

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 09:32 AM   #12
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by distroyed View Post
    Hi pamelareichert, I am on the other side. what you did mirrors what my wife did also, though It looks like my wife was at it a little longer. I compleatly understand how your husband feels now, as I acted pretty much the same as your husband is. though I never broke anything. (except 2 cell phones, but they were my own and I was alone)
    Please understand that I am not in anyway taking sides. I read every peice of BP info I could get my hands on to try to understand I went to therapy to get help understanding my wifes BP. Understanding helps a little and I can be compasionate and when she says mean things I can accept her appology, but then there is the other guy and the psyical contact and the male ego. that's what is causing all his pain.
    Has anyone you ever loved deeply cheated on you?
    I tried to work things out but sometimes when I look at her all I see is the other guy and have thoughts like:
    why did she do this, was he better than me, what did he have that I don't, what was she trying to accomplish, did she love him, was he better in bed how many times was she with him ect..
    ladies befor you comment I already know this is shalllow immature thinking, but this is how the male brain is wired and has been since we were cave men ( gee we have come a long way huh)
    His guard is way up and he is trying to protect his ego, which right now is badly damaged. he may be able to get over it in time but a blow like this is not easily forgiveable, if ever.
    I know for me I am not able to get a reason as to why this happened she says she doesn't know why, except that he treated her "like a Princess" and that felt good to her for a while, but I always treated her like that and she admits it now, so why did it happen? because you are BP? well then does that mean that it could easily happen again if you are not well? He is thinking that, trust me
    I am not bashing you or anyone with BP, just trying to show what your husband may be going through emmotionaly as I was in the same place myself
    He is struggling with his self esteem and feels that he was replaced by someone better. If you can, try working on his ego. us men are are like children and need to be praised when we do something right including Sex. He feels threatened by other men right now.
    everytime you leave his sight he is wondering if you are with another guy.
    I want so badly to work things out with him! I do love him dearly. I cant say why I did what I did. I guess what the grass is always greener on the other side?? I dont know what I was thinking. But I can for sure say...It was stupid. the biggest mistake I will ever make. So, how can I make him feel not threatened?? What do I need to do to make this man trust me again!! Please help.

    Pamela

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 09:42 AM   #13
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    Again, I think you just have to be patient and count on time to be your friend. It is normal to want to move on and get over it, the sooner the better as far as you are concerned...but he can't get over it as quickly as you can. He never thought you'd be capable of doing what you did, but the reality is, you did. Now, he's wondering if the same wool isgoing to be pulled over his eyes. You can't blame him for being cautious.

    Since he isn't interested in seeing your proof, I woud suggest that you stop trying to defend yourself. Live your life so you have nothing to regret. Don't give him any reasons to be suspicious. If he keeps it up, calmly ask him what you can do to show him you have nothing to hide. Acknowledge you made a big mistake that you will regret forever, but that you want to move in and rebuild the trust ...and what can you do together to make that happen.

    Do you think he still loves you enough to be willing to get over this?

     
    Old 06-14-2007, 10:37 AM   #14
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    pam I hope ur ok in all this. I know it does suck really! For me I thought we were not gonna be together and he was in England and I was in USA and so it was supposedly over. I know your case is different. I thought I was moving on with my life but I found out I hated my life without him.
    so we did agree to forgive e/o but I can honeslty say its our own selves that take the longest to forgive. IF you dont love yourself you cant love anyone else. And we go to church and got some counseling there as for us that was the best option and now we are doing great.
    I am not sure what works for you but many others have given some good ideas. if anyone is really ripped to pieces like that in their heart, you have to understand it may take a wicked long time to forgive. If he did not love you then it would already be over, so thats a start, right? try to have a heart to heart and tell him everything.
    If he feels secure in you which will take some time then he will start to trust you again.
    If you can see some sort of therapy or couples counseling etc, then that is best you do so asap at least start going yourself so you can learn how to forgive YOU and learn how to be a better wife!
    I wish you all the best !!

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    Old 06-14-2007, 11:59 AM   #15
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    Re: Is my husband ever gonna trust me again

    It's a hard one he is going to keep acting like this as long as he is mad/sad about what happened. I don't want to discourage you, but my wife's affair was over almost a year ago and I'm still ******! I can not trust her, I want to I am just terrified of what she is capable of. There are just so many unanswered questions, questions she doesn't want to answer which makes me feel she is hiding something. according to her she doesn't remember much about the affair, but I remeber everything, she doesn't understand why I can't just "get over it and move on" however she has never been cheated on and doesn't know the pain.
    I don't know how to make him feel less threatened because I still feel threatned and worthless and that this was my fault.
    but like I said b4 stroke his ego every chance you get brag about him around other people put him on a pedistal. I would have liked that when I was at rock bottom low self esteem

     
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