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    Old 06-26-2007, 01:54 PM   #16
    NutshellNutter
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by leomia View Post
    Hi Nut,
    wow that is really good, i am so happy for you. It is nice to see some positivity on here!
    I hope that will be my case one of these days!
    I have been doing good for a while since they put me on seroquel, well some side affects, but the good totally outweighs the bad!

    I have been AWOL for the last month and sort of getting used to it not really feeling able to deal with writing for some reason!

    I also want to know if you went private or not? I dont have a tdoc but I think it would help, and have been told I was getting one for a year which is not happening and I forget to ask again! I find I am still very forgetful about everything but overall my moods are 100% improved!

    anyways it feels nice to read things on here again!

    take care! and thanks for the positivity!

    Hi Leomia,
    Well, positivity must be in the air!!! It's good to hear that your moods are so much better for your now... Maybe you've not been able to write lately becuase you have been able to enjoy yourself properly with you moods stabilised - and that's a good thing!!!!

    See my last post re. private psychologist. I have had many therapists - cognitive behavioural, eating disorder specialists, psychoanalytic therapist, just plain therapists, art therapists... you name it - I've had it!!! BUT, whilst some of these have talked some 'common sense', none of them could offer me the indepth insight that the clinical psychologist could. I THOROUGHLY recommend getting yourself a brilliant CLINICAL psychologist - make sure they're 'clinical' psych tho' - they're the only ones qualifed for mental ill-health. It may cost a good bit of money (see my previous post) but to me it was more important than my mortgage - it was my life!


    Best Wishes,
    Nut.

    ps - have a read at my last 'long' post on AnnaDee's thread <Bipolar2>. I've tried to give an insight into how the clinical way of thinking goes - see what you think, if you agree with the lodgic...

    Last edited by NutshellNutter; 06-26-2007 at 01:56 PM.

     
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    Old 06-26-2007, 03:14 PM   #17
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Nut,

    So glad to hear about your newfound happiness and well-being. I am so delighted!

    Hope

     
    Old 06-26-2007, 04:33 PM   #18
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Nut, So good that you share that ther is light at the end of the tunnel. I have posted some. I got diagnosed in dec with bp. It has been pure hell trying to find the right meds. The depression is worse than mania. i just try to get through the day. I work part time and am a mother of 13 and 9 yr old. I have felt so different from those around me. where is my happiness?? Now i can't show saddness maybe because of the meds. I pray all the time for God to get me through this day and then the next. Please Nut post about your success. i need to find a good psychologist. i have been going to a guy who was highly recommended and is very hard to get in with . I have been going for over a year and we just don't connect. I will find a new one. Tell me what meds you are on. I am on lithium 900 effexor 150 focalin for add 10 mg. night time ambien or sequol. Beautiful hang in there. We can be there for each other. I will pray for you

     
    Old 06-27-2007, 04:28 AM   #19
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    thanks Nut! Its definately been a lot better which is good and then I thought well there are people here who maybe would like to know if I am doing better maybe I can help somehow.

    Still I cant get too bogged down with other problems because I just get a bit mental and forget to be happy myself. Maybe I need to find a balance.

    Plus I had some interviews one went bad so I was crying all day then and yesterday it went good so now I am high. (in mood not anything else!!!)

    So I am just hoping for a good thing over here.

    Keep up the positive! that is helpful for others (at least me!) to hear something good can come of this.

    I will ask my doc if I can see a clinical psyc.

    Not too long ago it was me who was complaining of needing new meds ... so now that part is good I just have to work on the rest which is 90% good now anyways ...
    talk soon!
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    Old 06-27-2007, 10:48 AM   #20
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ckyounge View Post
    Nut, So good that you share that ther is light at the end of the tunnel. I have posted some. I got diagnosed in dec with bp. It has been pure hell trying to find the right meds. The depression is worse than mania. i just try to get through the day. I work part time and am a mother of 13 and 9 yr old. I have felt so different from those around me. where is my happiness?? Now i can't show saddness maybe because of the meds. I pray all the time for God to get me through this day and then the next. Please Nut post about your success. i need to find a good psychologist. i have been going to a guy who was highly recommended and is very hard to get in with . I have been going for over a year and we just don't connect. I will find a new one. Tell me what meds you are on. I am on lithium 900 effexor 150 focalin for add 10 mg. night time ambien or sequol. Beautiful hang in there. We can be there for each other. I will pray for you

    Hi ckyounge,
    I'm sorry that you are having some difficulties at the moment, especially surrounding your depression. However, what is positive from your message is that you are continuing to seek help to enable the light at the end of your tunnel to burn brighter - this shows the inner strength that you have. You ARE a survivor!! And that means that you WILL survive. Trust me for I know where you are now, and I know where you can get to as I have been on your journey (and still am!!).

    I am so glad that you have taken the line of seeing a clinical psychologist in adidtion to your meds, and I am sorry that after one year you still do not seem to have a good relationship with them. But, again positively, you realise this and are seeking a new one.

    You mention that you are unable to feel sadness - but can you be sure that this is due to the meds or do the meds offer a piggy back of a reason? Let's see.... What do you think of the thought that 'subconsciously' something is in your head that is not letting you feel sadness, rather than it all being down to the meds? It strikes me from your post that you are feeling an intense amount of loss - realising the loss of your 'never formed' relationship with your clinical psychologist, a loss at the chance to get better, a loss of happiness forever, a loss of the social part of you, a loss of the 'human' part of you with relation to how you relate (or don't relate) to others? A loss of YOU? Is it possible that you have become so confused with being ill and trying to get better that you feel you have lost yourself amongst it all? That is surely the most intense loss we can suffer - loss of self - yes, no?? This is where the vicious cycle of thought steps in - the more you search for the you that you have lost, the more you feel lost, the more depressed you get so the more you search etc, etc,...

    However, the height of depression can, and does, come out as an inability to feel emotion (I know mine did!). This is not becuase of you - this is depression. It's ok. Understanding this will be a key to getting better. If we look at your loss of being able to feel emotion from an evolutionary perspective we can see some clues as to how our minds may be 'subconsciously' thinking. Our ancestors would have taken themselves to a point of safety (their cave so they didn't get eaten by the tigers!) and essentially hibernated. Their bodies would have shut down all non-essential tasks (such as recognising emotion) as only our hearts and lungs would be needed for survival. So, you can see how recognising emotion became a useless task to our ancestors when the were depressed!! Instead, they only maintained functions that were essential to life - essential for survival!! Everything else got shut down. As we have evolved over the years, our survival mechanisms have stayed with us - after all we are all human, human beings, **** sapiens the mammal!!

    So, you see your inability to feel sadness (or happiness) isn't a failure at being able to feel emotion, or even the meds, rather it COULD be a survival mechanism to PROTECT you when you aren't at your best. After all - the last thing you want to do is walk out of that cave and get eaten by a tiger becuase you don't know whether to love it or fear it!!!! So maybe, at this stage, the inability to feel sadness is a positve thing - a protective thing.

    My guess, if you agree with the 'loss' aspect, that your body is also in a state of high anxiety - subconsciously wondering when the next loss is going to happen, whatever it may be - you may have become conditioned to it. Something that I think may help would be meditation - I started it and it works for me - why not give it a go... It is something you can do in your own home, on your own, at your own speed. Look for Gil Fronsdal podcasts on the net. They teach you week by week how to meditate. You set the pace, stick with it if you try it. It isn't easy at first but will get easier as you go. Look upon it as 'your' time. 'Your' treat. Meditation will not only reduce your 'body's' state of anxiety but this will lead onto you being able to 'feel' your emotion more - a double edged sword (although a POSITIVE sword!).

    We all deserve, need our own 'me time'. Even when we are so low that we can't see that we deserve it nor want it. This is one thing that gave me another step on my journey, small ones at first. How about giving yourself a lovely bath, with smellies or candles (or both!). Small at first is all we need. Or, buy yourself a CD you've always wanted, and then for step two you could even listen to it in the bath!! Remember this is your time however - lock the door and relax. If it sounds daunting - just have 5 mins at first for the first week, then 10, then 15... no-one is rushing you - go at your own pace, a pace you feel comfortable with.

    Something else that I found helpful when at my lowest was to have 'happy' cards. These were cue cards with happy words written on them - nce and colourful!! They were stuck at places were I would look regularly throughout the day- at the top of the stairs, on the mirror for instance. That way I couldn't avoid seeing them. Why not ask your children to make some for you - involve them on your positive journey.

    Also, a tip that I have recommended to lots of people is to have a 'depression buddy'. This is YOUR buddy to help you when depression gets the better of you. A close friend, someone who is non-judgemental and will listen without necessarily talking. They don't have to live close by - after all, that's what phones are for, or email - right?? The important thing is that it is someone you trust. Be up front when you are asking them about why you are asking them, what you are asking of them. And don't be disheartened if they can't accept your invitation - it may be too much for some people. That is ok. It is their option. We cannot force them and it is not a reflection on you - some people are just more 'natural' than others. Some find it difficult to talk personally.

    You ask what meds am I on - please bear in mind though that what works for me doesn't work for everyone - our brain biochemistry's are all unique to us. I am on 30mg Mirtazapine (anti-dep) and 800mg Carbamazapine (Tegretol Retard - mood stabiliser). It is working good for me, although it did take us 3 years to get both the right combo and the right dosages. HOWEVER, what was crucial to my 'final' seeing the light was to use both the psychology route in addition to the drug therapy. They shouldn't be considered mono-therapies as they both together. One without the other is a bit of a non-starter.

    You are doing the best thing you can - getting a new clinical psychologist. It only took about 8 sessions for me with mine to get sorted. There is no way that someone should need to see one for the duration of one year - I think that proves the importance of getting one that you can build a good relationship with. The best thing for you as you look forward is to remember what you 'don't want' out of your next clinical psychologist - ie. no relationship. Knowing this will make your treatment with the next one all the more swift.


    You keep going. Try not to be hard on yourself for not being able to 'feel' emotion - it is not a relfection of 'you', rather a reflection of where your 'unconscious' mind is at. You've started the journey of seeking the key to freedom, a good clinical pscyhologist will help you find they key so that you can place it in the lock yourself one day.


    Nut.

     
    Old 07-01-2007, 03:27 PM   #21
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Nut, I hope you find this because I have not been on here in awhile. You are so right i have lost myself. I lost my dad in March 06. My parents were divorced and I was really close to my dad. he was really the only active grandparent in my childrens life. Two months later my husbands's mom died and my husband who is VERY strong and nothing touches him had a small breakdown. Then in Sep of that same year my grandmother who was my 2nd rock passed away. Nut, that is when I kinda of lost it. You know it has been so hard for me to show emotion but as I write to youI have tears in my eyes. A buddy??? I don't know most of my friend s don't understand this and don't know what to say. My mom has never been there emotionally for me. God has put one lady in my path who calls me now and we walk together. Lonliness is my constant companion. My husband tries but he just can't seem to connect with me emotionally. He will try to make me laugh or just watch a movie as long as it does not cost him anything emotionally. Kids are great but thy are kids. That why i come on this sight. Thank you so much for your insight and your positive remarks.

     
    Old 07-02-2007, 05:20 AM   #22
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ckyounge View Post
    Nut, I hope you find this because I have not been on here in awhile. You are so right i have lost myself. I lost my dad in March 06. My parents were divorced and I was really close to my dad. he was really the only active grandparent in my childrens life. Two months later my husbands's mom died and my husband who is VERY strong and nothing touches him had a small breakdown. Then in Sep of that same year my grandmother who was my 2nd rock passed away. Nut, that is when I kinda of lost it. You know it has been so hard for me to show emotion but as I write to youI have tears in my eyes. A buddy??? I don't know most of my friend s don't understand this and don't know what to say. My mom has never been there emotionally for me. God has put one lady in my path who calls me now and we walk together. Lonliness is my constant companion. My husband tries but he just can't seem to connect with me emotionally. He will try to make me laugh or just watch a movie as long as it does not cost him anything emotionally. Kids are great but thy are kids. That why i come on this sight. Thank you so much for your insight and your positive remarks.
    Hi ckyounge,
    I'm glad you replied - I was hoping you would get the last post. I am sorry to hear of your background - it sounds only too similar to mine. You are lost, BUT you can recognise it now. It is not that you can't feel emotion - but rather that you can't see the emotion as you don't know where you are on your journey to be able to find it amongst the emotional paths which are laid in front of you. You mention lonliness is your constant companion - it is YOU who must change this if you are to find the right 'path' to your mental freedom. You talked about one lady that God has sent to you. I understand that you only have limited contact - but sometimes, this can be a better foundation for a 'buddy'. It means they can be less subjective when listening to you, and can offer a more objective hand to help guide you along the path, along your journey. However, it is up to you to ask the person if they would mind. I recommend be open and honest.

    So ckyounge, you stand lost of where to go next on your journey - too many paths in front of you to know which one to pick, too much history entangled behind you. Have you considered talking with a clinical psychologist. The insight on my last post to you was only from me, little ole me, from my own experiences with a clinical psychologist. I feel if you met with one that they would help guide you on your journey of finding where you are again, helping you understand the entangled emotional past that lies behind you, and help guide you forward on your journey - helping you choose the right paths to be able to find yourself, find emotion, be free of the mental torture in whcih you live. Your buddy will be able to hold your hand on this journey - but you will need a professional clinical psychologist to help light the way on the right paths.

    How does that sound?

    You now have a brief insight of where you are at - a very big, and very complicated cross-roads. To find the correct path you need help - professional help.

    Can you ask your friend to help you on your journey? Can you afford a clinical psychologist? I only needed to see mind for 8 sessions - that was enough to get me going on my journey of discovery, and to get me to the end where there was a party waiting for me - my freedom party. Give it thought.


    Very Best WISHES,
    nUT.

     
    Old 07-10-2007, 03:51 PM   #23
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Nut, i hope you read this. My depression has been so bad where I dno't want to get out of bed or even look at the internet. I called my dotor and he told me to go back on Focalin. I took myself off because it made me feel like I was crawling out of my skin. I called his office first but he was out for the day. Tell me nut what to do.this is my 2nd psychtrist. I am on lithium 150 effexor and focalin.. i was taking seroquel but it made me depressed like i was in a fog. i thought about going to a natural doctor what do you think. Please help me nut I need you.

     
    Old 07-11-2007, 05:13 AM   #24
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ckyounge View Post
    Nut, i hope you read this. My depression has been so bad where I dno't want to get out of bed or even look at the internet. I called my dotor and he told me to go back on Focalin. I took myself off because it made me feel like I was crawling out of my skin. I called his office first but he was out for the day. Tell me nut what to do.this is my 2nd psychtrist. I am on lithium 150 effexor and focalin.. i was taking seroquel but it made me depressed like i was in a fog. i thought about going to a natural doctor what do you think. Please help me nut I need you.
    Hi ckyounge,
    I have read your meesage and can only post briefly as I am on a course at the moment so do not have alot of internet access.

    I too have had my moments of taking myself off the meds , not becuase my pyshc told me too but rather becuase I either hated how they made me feel, hated the feeling off relying on them, or hated the fact that being on them in some represented that I 'must STILL be ill'.

    However, that is the crunch point - I was 'still' ill. It sounds like you are too. I recommend to follow your psychs advice and do not take yourself off the meds again. If you feel that you want to take yourself off them , please ring your psych and describe how you feel to them. They will offer goood advice and I am sure they will be able to null your feelings of wanting to drop the meds.

    When I brought myself off the meds, in my defiant mental state of 'not' being ill (albeit a fraudulent belief that I had tricked myself into believing) I felt physiologicaly rubbish. My mind was 'dead' to everything, as was my body. All I was capable of doing was lying in bed - no appetite, no wants, no needs. I just wanted to stay under the duvet, curtains closed. I was having 'withdrawal'.

    After 2 weeks, I couldn't take it any longer - I went back on the meds. Within 2 days I was ok again - stable once again. I will never try to be a pdoc again - afterall y would I be one I'm not trained!!!!!! sTAYING ON THE MEDS THIS TIME, AND STICKING WITH THEM, HAS ENABLED ME TO HAVE ENOUGH STABILITY AND TIME TO BE ABLE TO SEE THE CLINICAL PSYChologist to get myself fully sorted, fully understanding of my issues so that I can manage them instead of them managing me.

    So... stick with the meds, even when you feel like coming off them realisde that they are there to help, not hinder you in your recovery. Give it time now that you are back on them for them to get back into your system. Don't beat yourself up over having come off them - everyone tries it some time or other. It is in the past now and now you need to work on drawing your energy together for your recovery in the future. Give yourself a cople of weeks.

    Good luck - and remember that trying to come off the meds isn't a failure, rather it shows how much you are wanting to get better by hoping that you cold have gone without them. Having the want to get better is a fantastic thing without it you would never be able to venture on your personal jounrey of recovery. You're journey has aleady begun.


    Take Care, listen to the pdoc,

    Nut.

     
    Old 07-11-2007, 08:12 AM   #25
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    HI I am encouraged by your testimony of finding stability and I hope this helps us all have hope that we can also. heal and find peace....

    Bipolar 1....

    hugs Caren

     
    Old 07-13-2007, 01:05 PM   #26
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    inspiring and motivating

     
    Old 07-14-2007, 01:56 PM   #27
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    ckyounge,
    How are you keeping now? Are you back on the meds? Have you been able to consider a clinical psychologist yet? I feel that when back on the meds, also having a clinical psychologst to talk things through with would be invlauble to you at the moment. It would help you learn so much about yourself, your sypmtoms and empower you to feel able to get much better.

    Thinking of you,
    Nut.

     
    Old 07-14-2007, 03:33 PM   #28
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Hi Nutshell
    I havent read all your postings but I've read enough to say your offer wonderful encouragement. I also get the impression you have been so low
    so far in the depths of this disorder the thought of hope is just a joke that
    people throw at you as a tease, I know I have been there myself several
    times and have lashed out in my pain unbelieveably. However if I was in your shoes I would most likely react the same way you did, probably even more
    so as I can trigger pretty easily. Later in retrospect, I've wished someone could have seen my pain for what it was. I only offer this as my opinion from an outside view. I commend you on your accomplishments, is it possible this is just one more new step on your ladder. One it sounds like you've got the insight to handle. As you said we're here to support and learn from each other. My hope is when I get to the point Im lashing out that others can look past it and see my desperation and visa versa, however for me that will be a major challenge to accompish. Cinderella dream, lol Keep on moving forward, you're an inspiration to others. Rani*

     
    Old 07-14-2007, 05:39 PM   #29
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by ckyounge View Post
    Nut, i hope you read this. My depression has been so bad where I dno't want to get out of bed or even look at the internet. I called my dotor and he told me to go back on Focalin. I took myself off because it made me feel like I was crawling out of my skin. I called his office first but he was out for the day. Tell me nut what to do.this is my 2nd psychtrist. I am on lithium 150 effexor and focalin.. i was taking seroquel but it made me depressed like i was in a fog. i thought about going to a natural doctor what do you think. Please help me nut I need you.

    Hi Ckyounge,

    I was prescribed Focalin but couldn't handle it either, gave me anxiety! There is nothing wrong with tweaking your meds until YOU are satisfied. Unless you live in a small town I wouldn't even worry about trying new p docs until you find the best fit. 2 p Docs?..That's nothing, LOL Hang in there sweetie!


    Luckygem

     
    Old 07-14-2007, 08:56 PM   #30
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    Re: Focus on the positive - living life to the full

    Rani

    Thank you for that post. That is all I was trying to say from my very first post as I do not know anyone in this thread.

    I also suffered from TIA strokes and get confused writing sometimes but that is what I was getting at from the very beginning. Just that somebody was hurting.

    You just said it better than I could get it out.

    Thanks

     
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