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I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

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Old 08-23-2007, 03:36 PM   #1
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Aintgotaclue HB User
I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

OMG..... I'm really here .... posting !
I'll apologise now, cause I'm going to really really rant here. I don't even know why or what I'm posting but, maybe if I just start typing, by the end of it, I'll understand ........... OK, so I've totally lost you all already ! Thats exactly the problem lol. I am so lost, I don't even know what I'm doing but what I do know is, that typing this is rite and will help me ! Sorry, if its a waste of webspace or whatever or anybodies time but hey ..... I'm feeling selfish. I need to be strong and fight this **** before it beats me. ( Oh and I'm not really selfish.....I'm only alive so I can help everyone else. ) but tonight I'm thinking about me. sorry.

Very brief history : diagnosed with depresion and put on meds at 15, tried various combinations but after 4 years went it alone and although still depressed was living with it and doing not to bad. Carried on like this for 10 years then life threw some stress my way which really affected my whole life, who I was and everything I had battled to deal with all my life. Anyway, life dealt me more stress, some more and and several other barell loads of the stuff over the next 5 years. And here I am ..........

Over the last 5 years my " depression " got worse and more and more symptoms appeared. I am now sitting at the point of deepest darkest depressions, to the point I'm so exhausted, I can't even move, struggle to find the energy to talk or breathe. Thinking about nothing, staring , completley void and well past the point of not giving a **** along with all the usual typical depression symptoms. But then there is the high's ...... they are totally euphoric to the point I am a superior being, totally invincible, not real and I find nothing more amusing and exhillerating than pushing it to the limits. Sounding very like BP to me so far but ..........

I went 15 years without a drop of alcohol but I've poured alcohol down my throat the last two years as a method of coping lol, Ok, so it ended up at the point I could n't humanly consume any more and was blacking out and loving it. I started self harming, a few mild overdoses, and many very close calls with suicide. I've experienced the hallucinations, delusions, black outs, panic attacts, ocd, racing thoughts, voices, but most worryingly, I have had episodes of being totally detatched. Exactly like depersonalization disorder. And have currently been detatched continuously for over 3 months and the it only seems to be deepening. I truely believe I am " special " an angel or something and my whole life, everything I say or do is controlled by spirits which regularly enter my body. I believe I have all the answers and advice for everyone elses life but not my own,( I could go on forever. ) I know it sounds like I'm mad and I personally believe I probably am.

The positive bit now ....... I've been seeking help over the last year, tried the anti depressants, Taken off them for health reasons, cognitive behavioural therapy, psycologists and had 3 emergency referals in the last 6 months to the emerency team but was not sectioned. I saw my GP and am taking meds to come and stay off the alcohol. I have been sober for 16 days. ( woopy doo ..... but I will continue to stay sober ) I know how and what I am feeling is totally abnormal and I so desperatley want to fight, beat it. I need to be me again. My husband has tried to help but does n't really understand but really worries and he only knows the half of it. I have a fantastic friend who kind of understands more but I tell her too much. She is terrified and thinks I'm losing the plot.

Ok, think I know where this is going now lol. So its obvious I'm ill, need urgent proffesional help, diagnosis and medicated, But my problem is ..... I have been 100% honest, begged for help, stuck out the meds and all the pathetic waste of time so called treatments and know one believes me. I have been told I am fine and refused any further help as everything is being blamed on the alcohol ..... ( Ok small confession ... I smoke dope. I have done for 15 years but had given it up for 6 months, felt worse, started again but have cut it down by over half the last 3 months and am continuing to stop altogether ). I was under the impression that self medicating is very common in BP suferers ! It also seems very obvious to me that my mental health has got seriously worse over the last few years, I started drinking heavily, self harming etc, I'm begging for help and feel enough strength to takle it but where do I turn ? I tried the professionals, I tried self medicating, coping on my own, researching the net but it is clearly obvious I need urgent proffessional help. I am terrified of me, when I'm going to snap, how much longer I'll be concious enough to be in control.

I desparatley want the help, but where do I start, how can I make them understand or do I just need to wait it out till I go totally insane, do something terrible and get sectioned ?

Is 16 days off the alcohol too soon to expect help ? I certainly don't feel any better / concious / more real off the alcohol and although I know it did n't help me ..... I don't think I will feel any better sober. It was a coping method, and since stopping the self harm has got worse too.

Any help, advice, suggestions, replies would be greatly appreciated but to be honest ..... I don't expect any. I know I need to go back to my GP and try again and that is all anyone can say really. I don't expect anyone to even read this but like I said, I just needed a rant. And I was right .... It has helped me. God, I've lost it big time.

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Old 08-23-2007, 07:31 PM   #2
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seaturtle HB User
Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.


Good that you see things are not fine with you.

From my own experience, you need to get off and stay off the alcohol and the smoking dope. These alone will freak-outs, depersonalization, depression and manic behavior. Your nervous system must be in a chaos.

Yes, 16 days sober is too early to expect any improvement, and if you smoke, nothing will help.

Do you go to AA? Go, if you can. And yes, I agree you need professional help, lots of it, and medications. Digging yourself out of addictions is hard, but can be done.

Can you go to a residential detox program? I believe that the professionals are not enthusiastic about treating the BP before the alcohol is out of the picture. That does have to come first.

These are just my experience and knowledge, I'm not a doc.

Please keep posting, hope that helps a bit.

Old 08-23-2007, 07:42 PM   #3
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

Hi, Aintgotaclue!! You certainly underestimated this place....there are so many here who will offer you support and an ear whenever you need to vent!!

Seaturtle seems to have said it like it is!!! You cannot get help until you are clean, totally clean. The suggestion for a detox is what I would suggest as well....expecting to be helped when you are putting street drugs into your system with perscribed drugs that are suppose to help you would just be counterproductive. You are correct in saying that you are self-medicating....the booze and dope will only give you temporary relief but the right meds will really help you and improve your life considerably.

You have to want it enough and then fight to get off the drugs and booze totally. 16 days is a great start but not good enough.

Do you want to get better??? If you do you need to get yourself to NA meetings each and everyday, that's the bare minimum. Chances are that you will not be able to do this may need more aggressive treatment. Do it!! It is the only way to go. Then when you are clean get yourself to a psychiatrist (you could start out with one who will point you in the right direction....tell him EVERYTHING and how much you want to get better) A good psychiatrist will work side by side with you to get you won't be easy but if you want it enough and are committed to getting better you WILL!!

So, think of this as the first day of the rest of your life. Go get yourself off the street drugs so that you can be on the right meds.

I wish you luck and please keep on posting....there are many here who will help carry you through those rough moments.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Goody

Old 08-24-2007, 10:08 AM   #4
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martavee HB User
Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

Hiya Aintgotaclue. Welcome. I haven't been around the board much lately ... have been having some personal issues as well. I can relate to your depersonalization feeling. I experienced that earlier this year (as well as once a few years ago at one of my worst times) after trying to take two types of SSRI meds. Scary stuff

May I ask where you are at? It sounds as though you may be in England. I'm an expat American currently at school in England ... of course I made this decision over a year ago during one of my high phases. Oh well. I've been having difficulties with the healthcare system here. For some reason it takes them six months to diagnose I saw the psychiatrist once in February or March and have been stuck seeing the CPN once a month since then. THankfully I see the CPN one more time next week and get to see the psychiatrist for a second time at some point in September? I had to pull out of a law course last year because my mind is so messed up at this point. Currently I am only on Seroquel and still cycling. Have had some up and down times which just keep getting worse. Currently at a mixed state where I'm not sleeping (despite 300mg of Seroquel) but am quite irritable and self-medicating again with alcohol (especially in social situations because to be honest I don't want ANYTHING to do with ANYONE at the moment).

I'm rambling. I was just curious if you're in the NHS health system too with reference to being sectioned/GP/emergency team. Even if not, I just wanted to say you aren't alone with what you are going through. Many of us here can relate. Good luck with seeking help and I wish you the best

Old 08-24-2007, 06:32 PM   #5
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

Hi, AGAC (hope you don't mind the abbreviation ) ~ I am sorry if I got a little rough with you there but the fact is it is a complete waste of time if you go into a psychiatrist asking for him to prescribe meds to help you when you are using others that will just counteract what the ones that'll help you are trying to do. You MUST go in clean and if you can't do that on your own then it is time to get some outside help so that you can get yourself there. I am not angry with you, I am just continuing to offer you that kick in the butt that you said you need!!

Just think about will be doing your future baby a GIGANTIC don't want your baby to be exposed to DOPE or alcohol....right??? So in a way you will be killing two birds with one stone by getting yourself clean. You have a reason to want to do that and it should be your motivating factor.

So you can do one of two can continue with the DOPE and go onto 19 days sober but still hooked on dope OR you can get yourself to a good pdoc who will help you get off that dope so that you can get on the meds that will really help. The choice is yours and I think that you are stronger than you think. So what is it???

Feel free to let us know anytime....either way you have our support.

Love ~ Goody

Last edited by goody2shuz; 08-24-2007 at 06:33 PM.

Old 08-25-2007, 12:36 PM   #6
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Aintgotaclue HB User
Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

Hi Goody2shuz, Oh you were n't rough ..... just offering your advice and honest. I think I was a little harsh too, I just don't like the sound of the word alcoholic and drug abuser and although true as it is. I started drinking when I had stress and when I start I don't know when to stop..... ok I'm an alcoholic lol.

I've typed and deleted this about 10 times but the bottom line is ........ I can deleted take the chance of the long difficult road ahead and fight it all the way. You are right about sorting myself out before I can even consider a baby, I know this and I suppose thats where my big cross roads comes in. I really want the future but I'm terrified and don't know where I'll find the strength from. Looking forward scares the hell out of me right now.

I think sub conciously I have already chosen to head for the future but I am scared to admit it to myself for fear of failing. Its like not telling your mates you've got the date to sit your driving test in.. If they don't know, they can't put pressure on you, stress you out before it and if you fail, they are none the wiser and your not a failure. Its the same with the dope .... I'm coming off it very soon but have not told anyone or set a definate date cause it will only add to the stress of quiting.

It was always my intention to have zero alcohol or dope the minute I found out I was pregnant. Pregnany was going to be the reward / motivation to succeed but 2 years of failure and I've not come out the other end in a very good way. I will need to be 100% clean before I even get the chance of IVF let alone success. I only found out 6 weeks ago, so am still terrified, confused about the whole thing and probably still in denial and furious. ( An issue I need to take to another board, sorry )

My head is so confused and I'm so spaced out just now. I have all the answers but can't admit anything to myself. Think it must be the mechanism I've developed to protect myself, gone way out of control. I'm getting there though and your right, I am very strong ...... I would n't be alive today if I was n't.

OK , the big crossroads .... the decision !
I've made it to 19 days sober, I'm going to stay sober and I got my appointment for the drug and alcohol support group through today. Its on Wednesday ! Would be really nice to have taken the step to give up the dope before I get there too but sshhhhh ! Its a secret.
I've got an appointment with my Gp on Monday too so will see what help they can offer me when I get myself clean. Meds might not be the answer though if I hope to be pregnant late next year.

Thank you so much for your time, support and help and mostly for the kick up the arse I needed . I will let you know how things progess.
p.s Love your name by the way

Last edited by Administrator; 09-22-2007 at 09:33 AM.

Old 08-27-2007, 01:11 PM   #7
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Aintgotaclue HB User
Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

Hey Goody2shuz, You there ? Waves like mad !

Just wanted to say a huge thank you for your reply the other night. I know others did respond with the same advice, many thx also. But something or the way you said it, really hit a nerve with me and gave me the motivation I needed.

Ok so last night I did crash and burn, and "its the only way to go" was just a lot of ********, I had another way to go and I was taking it. The two me's were fighting again and I was pulling the plug on them both. Anway, I ended up missing my meds and really cut back on the dope and ended up feeling really ill and was up all night.

The good news is I survived through to day 20 of being sober and dragged myself along to the docs. By the time I got there I was in a major panic attack and hitting a manic phase. Rabbled at 100 miles an hour, told him everything, and demanded help ....Now ! He tried to put me back on the Prozac but protested I was going totally clean first to see how I feel straight. He did want me to hang fire on stopping the Disulfiram till wednesday, it was only 2 days away, but when I hurdled the desk and grabbed him by the throat screaming " do you know how long two of "MY" days were " he started to take me seriously. ( only kidding but its how I felt and judging by the fear on his face thats the reaction he was expecting )

Result is : another month of disulfiram if I need or want it.
Prozac if I choose to take it.
alcohol / drug addiction appointment this Wednesday.
referal for self harm help already made.
Urgent referal for admittion to psychiatric day hospital.
And councelling for infertility will come soonish too.
Oh and I'm not quiting the dope totally just yet ( pushing too
hard on myself ) but I will quite very soon. Promise.

I'm so happy ...... ok I'm terrified but at least he believed me at last and I could n' have asked for any thing more from him right now. ( other than a miracle cure ) I may only be coming up for 3 weeks sober but I new I was supposed to start rabbling on here the other night and I deserved more help than I was getting. Ok, so it's a long painful difficult road ahead, and only "me" can do it but at least now someone is taking me seriously that I need and deserve help urgently.

I'll keep you posted on my progess to beating this ****. Yes I'll fall on my face and get kicked in the teeth again but just watch me. I've got my chance and I'm going to grab it with both hands.

Many many thx Goody, you may just have saved my life.
Hope you are doing better yourself and staying strong.
Just remember "what goes around, comes around" Your a good person and if there's anthing I can do to help you, I'll be here. Thx.

Old 08-27-2007, 02:30 PM   #8
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goody2shuz HB Usergoody2shuz HB User
Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

AGAC ~ WOW.....that's a long way you have come in just a few days!! Goody for YOU!!!!!

I know that everyday may seem like a month but the longer you stay sober the shorter the days will seem because you will have more sobriety to measure against those days of being a slave to the drugs/alcohol. I don't underestimate the amount of strength and courage it takes to get through a day without just keep up what you're doing and use all the resources available to keep you strong and soon enough you will be off that dope too!! Picture that baby that you want to have and how you want it growing inside a clean body free of drugs that will bring harm to it. Keep that picture in your mind so that when you wanna slip up you will have something to keep you going...okay???

Day tomorrow it will be 3 weeks and then onto a month to months to years!!! You can do it because I see that you really want to!!! And it sure helps having a pdoc who is willing to help get you there!!

So keep up the good's not going to be easy so PROMISE to use all the resources available to you!! I am rooting for you and look forward to following your progress!!

Love and some (((((HUGS))))) to help you through ~ Goody

Old 09-22-2007, 12:48 AM   #9
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Aintgotaclue HB User
Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

Hi Goody, How's you ? Hope you are doing well.

Just wanted to give you an update ( and anybody else who is interested ) on how things are going.

Everything is fantastic ! ( ok, so I'm manic ) but honestly, things are really quite good.

Went to the appointment for the alcohol addiction which was ok. Rabbled on in a manic state for two hours. He said I'm doing well but advised I should stay on the anabuse till after Christmas.... party season, temptation and all that crap. Had a second appointment a week later and am now waiting on an appointment ( early October ) with the psychiatrist to talk about why I feel the need to drink and take drugs.
I've been sober for 6 weeks and 3 days now and have stopped the daily anabuse as I did n't like the side effects however I do take one occasionally just in case I have a bad day. I can be very impulsive and would regret having a drink. Just using all the help available really.

Had an appointment about the IVF and got really bad news. No IVF for another 18 months on health service. Immediately found a positive side to the bad news and decided waiting that long was not an option, we were going private. Made enquires at my docs office and was hit with another bigger almighty bomb shell. Immediately got positive again and went else where for another opinion and was offered a suitable slot to start IVF privately, this October but decided this was bit quick. Really excited and fingers crossed, the plan is to get booked in for early next year.

Despite my good news, I was really ill last week and went into a really manic, destructive, angry, trippy, mega detatched state. Was absolutly terrified of myself, lost a grip of reality, my positive side. I'd just had enough, was terrified, thought I was going mad, but I have a really good friend ( BP sufferer ) who helped me ...... basically saved my life.

Had an appointment with a new psychiatrist a few days ago. It was an urgent appointment that was made so I could be diagnosed and treatment started if needed. Basically my GP is sick of the sight of me, thinks I've lost the plot and has n't a clue what to do with me. He has finally realised I am seriously ill, not going to go away, tryin very hard to beat this and not going to accept several previous diagnosis, which just blamed the drugs or alcohol.

My new psych was fantastic, covered everything but not really deeply ( not enough time ) got a diagnosis ..... bi polar depression and some sort of personality disorder. Treatment ... mood stabelizing drugs but not till after IVF unless I get worse. He said I'm positive, strong and have made some healthy and good decisions about the future and am functioning reasonably well with life. I don't get stuck in deep depressions for long periods and am mostly manic and happy and when the really high mania kicks in, I am aware it is an illness and so far have controlled it and not done anything stupid other than self harming.
He also said I am hyper sensitive to hormones. He has seen lots of women seriously ill because of them and although there has been no conclusive research done on it, he believes 100% that hormones alone can make some women seriously mentally ill.

LOL, Its not the alcohol or being off it that was making my days so long. I really never think or crave it other than for 1 week a month ( womens cycles ) and it had just kind of slipped into a regular treat or escape when I was having a bad day or method of escaping from BP and PD. Yes alcohol and I do not mix well together and I was drinking a lot and very frequently but I was n't really addicted as such ( hard to explain sorry ) I really only had to make the decision to stop and could have done it on my own without meds but it was a stand in GP who just saw red when I mentioned drugs and alcohol and prescribed the works. My own GP also thinks she over reacted and the addiction nurse is not concerned and is really happy with my progress. I only saw him once a week for two weeks and he is happy I'm stable. The addiction psych appt is only because I don't need the nurses support and would be discharged. He asked if I wanted to speak to the psych and I thought, why not ? I'll take any help and support going, It can only help me !
The thing that made my days so long was the severity and frequency of my moods, the constant deep recing thoughts, the depth of the detatchment, the terror, the mania, the constant struggle to stay conscious and alive and the speed and way in which I cycle. Even my new psych said " he had never met anyone like me in his life, I am a very strange, unusual and complicated case but it was a pleasure and experience to meet me ". He had no idea why I had been sent to HIM or how I managed to get an appointment rushed through so quickly. I can not get any worse or I am sectioned or doped up on drugs.

I know exactly what I want out of life and where I want to be going but the BP and PD have been too strong and it nearly got the better of me. The alcohol and drugs were a symptom / a way to temporarily survive as the illness got worse but the temporarily survival methods cause more symptoms and the illness to get worse. Everything was just spiraling out of control.

I'm so happy, Ok, so the diagnosis was not good but at least now I know what is wrong with me and why I feel the way I do. I suspected what was wrong years ago, but know one would believe me. I might be different and sound crazy but I was the one that was right all along. I can now find and give support from other BP sufferers and talk and share how we feel and not be embarassed or feel like a freak. I can find ways of coping and surviving instead of being terrified I'm losing my mind. I can start treatment immediatly if things get worse or if I cannot cope.

Things have really changed in the last month or so, I know whats wrong with me, I know who I am, where I am going, what I want. I've got a long difficult road ahead but I've got a future, I'm strong, I've got proffessional help and support now, I'm sober, and I'm starting to take control of my BP but I honestly don't believe I would be here today if it were not for you Goody. You gave me the kick up the arse I needed but it was more than that ...... there is something about the way you write and explain things. You are so strong, powerful and positive.
This is going to sound really strange ...... You sound like me ! Not the me that is here talking just now but the me that is inside trying desparately to get out. ( how do I explain this ..... ) I have a good friend who is also BP however where as I am mostly positive and manic, she is mostly negative and depressed. I am forever "kicking her up the arse" , giving her a good shake, willing her to be positive and to keep fighting, giving her advice how to cope, praising her for the littlest of steps in the right direction and pointing out how lucky she is and all the positive and good things she has to look forward to in the future. I sound just like you when I give her advice ! Only problem is (and my friend is right ) I can be positive and have all the answers for her so why can I not do the same for myself ?

Anyway, Many many thx Goody. Could n't have got this far without you.
Hope you are well and listening to your own strong, positive advice.

(((hugs))) - Aintgotaclue. x .

Old 09-22-2007, 08:51 AM   #10
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Re: I don't even know what this post is about, sorry.

AGAC ~ Thanks for the update....I was wondering where you have been. Glad that I was able to give you that kick in the butt that you needed If it helps you to stay in line I will only be happy to give you more if need be!!

At the risk of being too forward....don't you think that perhaps you should wait for IVF until you get the BP and alcohol issues more under control??? It sounds like you are doing wonderfully staying sober and said that you also were having problems with failed to mention the dope and I need for you to level with me.

You are a strong and courageous person and I think that you know that you are going to have to set the goal of being clean for a good amount of time before thinking about adding a baby into the picture. The thing is, in order to be able to love and take care of our baby we need to be able to do that for ourselves first.

I am going to tell you like I see it, which I think is the way that you like it. I really think that you should be going for alcohol/drug support every single day.....not just for a few days or months but for many years. You need to do that because you have abused alcohol and drugs and in order to stay ahead of it you need to seek the support. If you have problems with hormones then when you get pregnant you are going to have bigger problems because the hormones are all over the place!!! You need to do this for your baby. you need to set a goal of time that you are clean and doing well with your BP before even considering the IVF....your goal is to be at your best before you add a baby into the equation, right?? So where do you want to see yourself before doing the IVF??? I think that you and hubby should sit down and write down what you need to do for YOU to get you all ready and strong for motherhood. Can you do that??? I also think that is is soo very important that you involve your pdoc and obstetrician in this whole entire process so that together they can take good care of you and your baby to be. There is a high incidence of Postpartum Depression associated with BP that you should be closely monitored for.

I am not trying to burst your bubble here....I think that you and I both know that you need to be clean for a good period of time before adding a baby into this equation. So how long do you think somebody should be clean before thinking about IVF??? And you need to be honest with me but more yourself as far as the dope....are you off the dope???

You are so brave and I can see that you really want to beat this. BP is something that you need to stabilize without the use of alcohol and/or street drugs. You need to find the right med combo and stabilize yourself before you think about a baby....I don't think that you have done that yet. You have worked really hard to clean yourself up and I really think that you are ready to try to find the right meds now so that you can get this mania under control....right??? Remember the doctors didn't want to treat your BP before you were off the drugs and now that you are clean I think it is time to get the BP stabilized.....once that is done then you will know the right meds and the doctors will advise you what to do about IVF and monitor you and you will be better equipped to know when you are in trouble and need to call them to help you through.

So....tell me how you see things?? Does any of what I say make sense??? Usually when I want to know what I should do I look at the situation as if I were advising my best friend. If your best friend was 6 weeks off alcohol and you are not sure about the dope and still feeling manic without her BP stabilized and she wanted to start plans for having a baby, would you think that she were ready???? Start looking at the situation as what you would like to see your friend do before bringing a baby into her life and then start doing the same for yourself....afterall, you have to start treating yourself as if you were your own best friend.

Like I said, you have taken the BIGGEST step but you still have a ways to go. Don't get are strong just like me and you have hope and with faith and hope you can get anywhere that you want to be.

Thanks for the update and let me know how things are going!!! I KNOW that you are going to do well because like you said, you are alot like me and want to do all that you can do to face the obstacles in your life head on until you know that you have done your best to overcome them. You are like that and that is why I am giving you that kick in the butt to remind you.

Lots of ((((((HUGS))))) ~ Goody

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