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how to get the compassion from your spouse

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Old 09-21-2007, 01:38 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: euless tx usa
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zakkary HB User
how to get the compassion from your spouse

i am bipolar meds that i am on now have done the best for me in 15yrs..i do still add some and change some however this past week a couple of different times i told my to be spouse that i felt some parinoia
he new i had this when he met me and its been three years and he 'says he knew what he was getting into../but since i feel he's the only one i can trust at times like this since i dont want to share with just anyone because i dont want the to think im nuts like i do..
so his response are get over it..then today i went left in my head..thoughts spinning heart racing like it was going to pop out of my chest sick stomach.....And the thoughts of wanting to cut myself again..and it has been a very long time since i've done that...this morning it seem to start over some stuff i ran across on the computer that he's been seaching..however im very upset because i tried my best to explain to him what i was going thru and how i was feeling his reactions very disintered know you go thru this .your putting your self in this situation and just make very little talk with me and it to me anyway made me even worse..wanting so bad not to be like this and trying to stop it..but it wont stop..i asked him to please just give me a hug hold me and tell me i was going to be ok and get thru this. his comment why what good is that going to do..if u ask for a hug..
but let me explain this seems to happen about ever month or two sometimes 3 if im lucky..and he seems to be this way and it really hurts because i feel there is no one there for me and councelors dont do it for me. but the entire rest of the time when im not going thru this he is very loving caring supportive so i guess im reaching out for support and help from someone out there to help me get thru this when he's like this or help him be more avialable to be there for me to hold on tight to til i feel safe he says he knows i go thru this but thats all i get from him along with slince which of course makes my mind race even more in crazy directions...he does not want to do the counceling or reading up on it thing..i just want to know what i can do when im back to myself again..hopefully tomorrow..............plz help thanks lori

Last edited by moderator2; 09-21-2007 at 05:38 AM.

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Old 11-09-2007, 08:59 AM   #2
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: lyons il
Posts: 65
cupidscat HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

I am sorry you are going through that,I also am to my husband does the same things and it makes me worse and it also makes my head spiral with horrible thoughts.I am reading a book woman who love to much seems like good advice in there and I also am trying to not be so co dependent on him .I am meeting new people ,finding hobbies playing with my kids more etc.
Do not let him bring you down he is also sick in his head dont make it yours.
Hope this helps

Old 11-10-2007, 07:44 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: gambier,ohioUSA
Posts: 617
teresa2007 HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

Your not alone BELIEVE ME! i wish i could give you some words of advice to help but im in the same boati just wish i could get my husband to understand but he just likes to argue and have that last wordand of course hes always right lol
Just hang in there and hold on to the times he is there for you
Take care and im sending you a big hug
(((((((hug)))))))) Tee

Old 11-10-2007, 09:38 PM   #4
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 377
luckygem13 HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

It sounds like he doesn't want to get into it for whatever reason, I wouldn't take it personally. He might just be overwhelmed with his own problems or any number of things. Maybe if you can find ONE friend and make that friend your sounding board (and vice versa)....that might help.

Take Care

Old 11-27-2007, 03:39 PM   #5
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Location: Grand Rapids, MI USA
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klyn07 HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

He may be overwhelmed, being your only support. My DH has asked me to share this with as many people as I am comfortable sharing it with, so when I get very depressed, paranoid, or psychotic HE has someone else to call in for help, someone he can vent to and turn to. I was diagnosed at the begining of this month, and it took me 3 weeks to tell my mom and dad and sister. I still need to call and set up a therapy appointment. Maybe you just haven't found the right therapist yet, but there may be one out there you will connect with and it could be a huge help. I had a depression diagnosis for 2 years and saw a therapist but did not connect with her and stopped going. I am hoping the new one I find will be better. Don't give up.

Old 11-27-2007, 11:28 PM   #6
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Posts: 1,915
seaturtle HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse


I know that's hard to take. I have found, however, that there are people close to me who just can't deal with my illness. They need to back off, are wonderful when I'm okay, but distance themselves when I'm not.

I have had to train myself not to expect support from them or ask for it from them. This doesn't mean they don't love me. I think every relationship we have has limitations, and we have to accept these.

It must trouble you a lot that it's your husband who backs away. I guess it's up to you to determine if this is too much for you. But I hope you find some other people to fill this need in you.

He may need to you to be okay, and not able to cope when you're not.

Keep looking for people outside the marriage to support you.


Old 11-28-2007, 01:41 PM   #7
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: somewhere, Nh, USA
Posts: 2
Never2sure HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

Well, My husband is my only support and I am very lucky although when I found out he was on a support site but that site was to say the least AGAINST staying married to someone with BP BPD etc. They also felt like WE should be able to get better. He always posted things like I wouold not know what to do with out her and when she is well she is so awsome.

So I guess is maybe you should find a GOOD SUPPORTIVE ONLINE system for him. One that will encourage you to stay together.

One thing I might suggest is when you are depressed keep a journal pick ONE topic and talk about just that.

Last night it was WHY I WAS CRYING... I told him I cry when I am chilled to the bone like the despair is taking over. We talked about causes. I said I don't have any reason to be crying... so he got me a hot cup of tea my shawl and a heating throw/blanket... i was physically cold. As i said in my intro I am suffering from a physical illness just not sure what it is yet but when those symptoms kicking in it makes the mental illness worse!!

After I was warm and cozy the tears stopped and we went back trying to get my drivers working on my laptop. I am now running Fedora inux... and these are OUR TIES THAT BIND!!! I think you see my point. i hope this help.

Peace Love and Light

Old 12-03-2007, 02:30 PM   #8
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DjTiesto HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

I know where you coming from. I myself have Bipolar Type II, with really bad episodes and no one can guess what side of me is going to show up every day. My wife has tried to understand and does care for me and realizes I have a mental illness, but at times when Im going through it she tells me to get over it and that its just for attention and it just makes it worse. Its like sometimes she just throws it in my face how I have this mental illness and that I need to get over it and just blames me for everything. I dont know what else to say except I know how you feel.

Old 12-03-2007, 10:08 PM   #9
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Curlzzz2002 HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

I was diagnosed with BP two years ago, but I'm sure I've had it all my life. My hubby of 12 years tries his best but fails most of the time. What I have learned about men is this, they are, by nature, "fixers". His lack of support is probably overshadowing his true feelings. I would bet deep down he's frustrated that he can't "fix" what's wrong with you. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for him. What he should really do is face the fact that you don't want him to fix anything. All you want from him is a hug. You know it won't make your feelings go away, but it will make you feel like you're not alone.....right? Men try so hard to be so tough and strong, and most of the time that's what we need. But when we're in the middle of a depressed cycle, we just want someone to be on our side.

This is in no way a lecture. It is my advice from many fights with my husband. All I can say is talk, don't yell. Over communicate to him. If you notice he's losing focus on what you're saying, take a break or better yet, write your thoughts down and ask him to read them. At the end of the day, you two are a team, working against eachother only makes it worse.

Best of luck

Old 12-06-2007, 04:20 PM   #10
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klyn07 HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

Writing a note is a great suggestion. I have started a private ****. Only DH and I can see it, I do not have anyone else listed with permission. When I am overwhelmed and he is not hearing it, pretty much just whenever, I go and type it all out. And he checks it and reads it and it is helping us communicate better.

Old 12-11-2007, 10:56 AM   #11
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Tampa, FL, US
Posts: 2
notasleep HB User
Re: how to get the compassion from your spouse

I've kind of got the flip side of this situation, but have some things that have worked for me somewhat (varying degrees) and thought I'd try to share.

My wife is actually a resident psychiatrist, working 80-90 hour weeks and often times it's very difficult to get some of that much needed support during rougher times.

It seems counter-intuitive given that she works with MANY bipolar patients, and in some ways that's been very very helpful as far as her starting to really understand where her patients are, their mindsets, apply that to home life.

But separately, it can be very very difficult, keeping the psychiatrist/patient relationship out of our husband/wife interaction, also if she hears of a former bipolar patient committing suicide, seeing them go through declines and even just overall frustration with patients that can lead to her just overloading and being very distant with me.

This is above and beyond the sheer exhaustion she's feeling from a terrible terrible work schedule.

Even though she works as a psychiatrist - though I think when things came to a head last year, she was kind of in denial as far as me being symptomatic, and I managed to hide the spiraling out well, thinking this was just me, not really understanding - I spend a lot of time working on support through just focused efforts to make it easier to understand what EXACTLY it feels like, what the whole process is.

As a guy, I understand the 'fixing' mentality and my wife actually falls into that role often herself given her profession, but as far as support I try to make it as easy as possible for her to get more information that I, specifically, relate to, things that don't take as much time as a book, but can be helpful.

One thing that helped with my family and spouse interaction was a documentary I found by Stephen Fry (British actor) about his bipolar disorder and interviews about specific cases, other celebrities (Richard Dreyfuss, Carrie Fisher).

>>>>>moderated - do not post web links<<<<<<<<

This was an easy solution that also offered a chance for it to be a step removed so that it's not just YOU with these issues, it's not about YOUR problems, it's just something informative and easy to consume. It's not "here's a large book to try to get through filled with things that will remind you of the bad moments."

I found a tv program, or even just clips here and there to be easier to absorb. And the program does a really good job showing the various kinds of symptoms and presentations of the disorder. I found a lot to relate to.

Hope this is a good contribution. This is only my second post, haven't gotten the feel of how much detail to go into yet.

Last edited by moderator2; 12-11-2007 at 12:22 PM. Reason: Please do not post websites except as described in the posting policy section titled "How to share information".

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