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New &trying to come out of the dark

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Old 04-14-2009, 10:51 PM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Alabama Georgia USA
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evangeline11 HB User
New &trying to come out of the dark

Hi there! I just read thru a bunch of posts and decided to join and seek help here. In the arms of those who know and may care. I've been diagnosed BP since 2002 and am still trying different meds to find the right mix. I'm hopefully at the end of this depression I've been in. My pdoc just increased my Wellbutrin to hopefully get me out of these depressions. I also take Lexapro but I think we are leaning toward getting me off that since I only take 1/2 a pill a day. I have clonzapam in case the anxiety is too bad, but I havent needed that in quite awhile. ****Since 2002 I've tried Paxil, Depakote, Olanzapine, Abilify, I cant even remember them all.

I can so relate to whats been said about feeling like you never really get control of this disease. Everytime Im optimistic with a new med, etc my hopes come crashing down into a rapid onset depression. I just missed 3 days of work and like 4 college classes and that appears to happen every 2-3 months at the least. I keep blaming myself and feel like such a failure at life in general.

My BP is more problematic with depression over anything else. I know I often experience anxiety too, but not as debilitating. I havent been manic in 2 years and being honest- I MISS it! Anyone ever feel like that- those who dont have quite as negative mania? I felt like my real self, energetic, creative, accomplishing a lot. And now my whole life is just the opposite.

I'm not here just to whine I promise, but it is so reassuring to see others with the same thoughts and feelings.

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Old 04-15-2009, 01:43 AM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Australia
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tigger5150 HB User
Re: New &trying to come out of the dark

Hi "e"
I can definitely relate to your story. For the last two years I have been slowly slliding into the great hole of depression and felt like I'd tried just about every combination of drug out there and even gave ECT a go. Luckily I have a good pdoc who didn't give up despite me going so it's working this week, what part of next week will it quit! I also havn't been manic for about 2-3 years and like you there is a part of me that misses it which is what I told my pdoc who quickly informed me that that would just be another issue like the depression we would have to deal with.... although I think I wouldn't mind at this point. haha

I too miss work often one day a month sometimes two and feel very guilty but I try to remind myself that there isin't a lot I can do about it.

Welcome to the board and good luck!

Old 04-15-2009, 07:27 AM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: US
Posts: 261
Bunnylover HB User
Re: New &trying to come out of the dark

Welcome, I've found this to be a supportive, safe space and I hope you do to.

If depression is your major issue, you might discuss Lamictal with your doctor--it's a mood stabilizer that works well on depression, and for me has litterally been a life saver.

Old 04-15-2009, 09:52 AM   #4
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: CT. USA
Posts: 203
caitlin122 HB User
Re: New &trying to come out of the dark

Welcome to the board! This forum has been a great support for me, and I think you'll find the same. Finding the right med combo can take forever, but the pay off in the end will be worth it. And i know what you mean about missing your mania. We feel so good then, why wouldn't we miss it? You'll find so much support here, and it's a great place to vent when you need to.

Old 04-15-2009, 07:19 PM   #5
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 5,057
katlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB Userkatlin09 HB User
Re: New &trying to come out of the dark

I mimic all my friends in offering you a warm welcome. Whilst talking with my pdoc last week about which anti depressant to try for a while, since my "med resistant suicidal depression" has reached a pretty low "low". He suggested Cymbalta, to which I replied, Uh NO, remember that one made me manic last time for the first week and a half or so, to which he replied, "well lets see, your so depressed your suicidal, do you really think a little mania would be a bad thing right now?" So I guess even though we pretty much have all the same problems in some variation or another our pdocs can have different takes on treating us. I love my both my pdoc and tdoc and wouldn't trade them for anything. But like Tigger i also have a very hard time finding the right med combo, mine has been changed probably 8 - 10 times in the last 4 months. Right now I'm on Lamictal, Abilify, Clonazapam, Buspar, Topamax, Wellbutrin SR, Trazadone and Neurontin.


Old 04-15-2009, 10:12 PM   #6
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Alabama Georgia USA
Posts: 16
evangeline11 HB User
Re: New &trying to come out of the dark

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome! I wish I had looked for a message board years ago- it would have helped so much when I had no one to talk to who understood.

Kat- that story about your pdoc made me laugh.

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