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  • Needy?

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    Old 05-26-2009, 12:25 PM   #1
    wilkdawg
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    Needy?

    Hi all,

    It's been awhile. Is it safe to say we are a needy bunch? Furthermore, has said neediness driven away your loved ones? It's not really a problem when it comes to my parents. I keep a distance from them. But I also have little to no friends. I recently lost a best friend of approximately 20 years. At some point, he got the wife and the career going and it seemed I didnt fit. But I hung on and didnt mind being the sole communicator because it had always been that way. But more often than not, I could only reach him at work. If he couldnt talk and had to hang up or if he wanted me to call later, it was no problem. But I guess it became a problem at some point and he stopped responding to me altogether. No response to messages, texts and so on. I eventually resorted to calling him at work and even dropping by but it didnt matter that I was transgressing that rule because he wouldnt respond to anything else. We dont talk at all. He wont even respond to requests for getting some of my stuff back.

    Somewhere along the line, I made friends of another drummer(Kris was also a drummer). I can only get so close to "normal" friends. Kris was far from normal. And so is this guy. Suffers from depression, works from his apartment and remains out of contact or a recluse. He drinks, smokes and does drugs. Recently, he confessed to smoking crack and doing H. Ive barely spoken to him since. Say what you will about not needing that stuff in my life but Im sure you also know how the sort of people we can really talk to tend to match the above description or something similar.

    Now we arrive at my girlfriend. I recently visited family in Florida. Im from Jersey. I arrived on Thursday and returned yesterday. Should have been pure fun. And it was, during the days. But at night, i was really missing my gf. Especially this one night where my cousin's husband took me to some party, well-meaning, but it made me lonely. We all know lonely in a crowd. Id thought it appeared enough in literature that everyone else should be familiar but I guess not. So when I called her, there seemed to be no reciprocity. I knew she was already down because her daughter was also away for the weekend. With me also gone, I thought she would welcome my calls and miss me as much as I did her. No such luck. I was given her usual "Can I call you back?" which I get when she is with others. I never object despite her not sticking to that principle when with me. In that case, she takes ALL calls and texts. I never comment on it. But this was different. She showed no emotion on the phone. She was in a rush to get me off the phone. She went from not being able to talk because she was with family to not being able to talk because she was at some friend she barely likes. I really felt like ****. But the days were good.

    I woke up yesterday in Florida, dying to get back to my gf and her daughter. I had souvenirs. I had video to show. I was so sure she was looking forward to seeing me. I shouldnt have been too put off when she cancelled any chance of seeing me so she could have time with her daughter. I totally understand that. Always do. But after how I felt all weekend, it didnt help. And any attempt to address it with her was met with zero mercy. It was my fault. I contact her too much. I need her too much. She thought she was going to get a break from me. I still need too much attention after a year together. And she's right. I need. But what I need is not unreasonable. Throwing out this vibe that it is more than she is willing or able to give? It led to an argument confined to text, by her. She has this technique of kicking me in the balls, figuratively speaking, then blocking all attempts to respond or resolve the matter. First she wont talk. Then she wont answer. Im forced to watch myself stuck in the middle of an exchange I see in my high school students. All texting, no progress. No talking. No human exchange. And to seal the deal, she shuts down and requests time alone. Any resistance on my part is interpreted as me being the *******, too demaning, too needy. The effect that distancing and shutting out has on me in terms of anxiety and depression? Irrelevant. It's not like I can even tell her about it because she wont talk to me.

    So, today I suffer. Ive been trying to sleep through as much as I can. I went to sleep real early last night. I showed my students a movie. And I just slept through my free periods. In my car. Found out my car alarm is motion sensitive when I woke up and started moving.

    So Im needy. I need attention. The worst feeling in the world is being made to feel like a burden or a nuisance. I dont need things. I dont need favors. I dont need sex. I enjoy it dont get me wrong. But what I really need is to feel that SOMEONE, particularly the woman I love, is truly with me. I need more empathy than others. I think about how much of my situation I take care of myself and then think of how much friction and turmoil my remaining needs incur. It has left me in that space between life and death. We all inhabit it. We can spend almost limitless time there with no one to reach in and pull us out. We're not going to die, by our own hands or otherwise. But we're in the vicinity. In the grey. Devoid of hope. Waiting for the ground to drop out.

    But in the end, no matter what reaction or emotion my account of my relationship may provoke, I love this girl with all my heart. I cant stand feeling forced to keep a distance. Having to wait until she returns. She gets her distance. I get massive anxiety and crippling depression. How many times have you thought of how ending it could very well be the only way to get your message across? How many times has it felt like trauma or tragedy is the only thing that clues people in? Look at your loved ones. They know, they know, they know. But do they show? Do they get you? Do they know that almost nothing we get upset about or hurt each other over is anything but perception. It's not real. I'm as human as any. I get caught up in life like anyone else. But I need love. I need people. It may seem like too much but I already take care of myself quite well. Im underappreciated. People take me for granted. I have no friends. Right now, I have nothing. There's people around me. But it doesnt matter. I miss my girlfriend so much. But I feel so out of control. I cant calm myself.

    John

    Last edited by wilkdawg; 05-26-2009 at 12:29 PM.

     
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    Old 05-26-2009, 08:32 PM   #2
    dreams in neon
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    Re: Needy?

    I'm not needy. I don't need people. They've always let me down, hurt me, abused me, betrayed me and left me. Why should I bother forming relationships with or caring about others when this is what I've learned to expect from them? Relying on others isn't worth it. I'd rather rely on myself for my own emotional well being. That way I can't be hurt or disappointed by the things people do. I don't need friends in order to feel important. I'd rather have 3 good friends instead of 20 fair weather friends. If truth be told, I don't even care about making friends. I'm happy by myself (although I do have a boyfriend whom I love dearly) and do not need people to validate my existence by being my friend.
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    Last edited by dreams in neon; 05-26-2009 at 08:32 PM.

     
    Old 05-27-2009, 09:43 AM   #3
    BipolarPrincess
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    Re: Needy?

    John, I feel the same as you. As far as friends go, I really don't have any. I'm learning to do things on my own and feel good about it. My family doesn't get me, I mean they try but no, they DONT understand and NEVER will. I have a boyfriend I love dearly, he feels the same about me wanting to be with me all the time, so that works out good for me. Only thing is he's in jail right now so I'm stuck at home with family who cant support me because they don't understand me. So i'm lonely but try to make the best of it by going out by myself and actually living again. For awhile I just laid in bed and slept away feelings. Anyways, if you need to talk to me, I'll be your friend. I wont hurt you or let you down, I promise. Send me a PM if ya want.
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