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I guess this is a journal of sorts for me.. I'm horrible at journaling these days. I'm horrible at anything to do with feelings, and I've been told writing them down helps. So here goes (again this is more for my benefit and in no way geared at trying to gain the interest of anyone else out there).
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New Diagnosis Bipolar, Cycloythymic, losing my marbles

Posted 12-31-2014 06:34 PM by beth950
Updated 01-16-2015 12:49 AM by Administrator (per the rules)

So. July of 2007 I had turned 18, moved out of my parents house into my own apartment and enrolled in my first year of university. A little bit of an adjustment period there. I slowly started losing weight, stopped sleeping, started crying at random times and would get these episodes of fainting (dizziness, numbness/tingling, nausea, diarrhea, tunnel vision, tachycardia and just a feeling that I was losing control and intense fear). I'm 5'3 and dropped down to 89 lbs. My mom thought I had some kind of serious disease like addisons or cancer or something lol. Turns out I had severe clinical depression with panic attacks. I remember after that diagnosis I slept in bed at my moms house for weeks being so disappointed in myself that it was my own mind doing this to myself. It wasn't a bacteria, virus or worm or any physical thing other than myself I could blame. Or so I thought. I remember being so scared because the only person that could help me was myself. And myself at that time was so weak and beaten down. I felt intense fear. My dr started me on Prozac (fluoxetine) 20 mg OD, an SSRI and lorazepam 0.5 mg for the panic. I also used gravol for my nausea. I lived off of yogurt, jello and powerade in those months from my anxious upset stomach. I seen a therapist. It took months but I got better. I came to terms with the diagnosis and finished my degree. My friends and family knew and were so supportive. I was stable for 7 years on Prozac. Then this year I hit a low in the late winter/early spring. I lost interest in my work, the panic was coming back and I was drinking and sleeping around. Looking for quick sources of pleasure/happiness. I went back to my dr and he tried me on citalopram, sertraline, then Effexor. None of them brought me out of it and a lot of them had really bad side effects (that's a whole other blog post in itself). Anyways. I weaned off the Effexor and he started me on Seroquel 25 mg to sleep and Xanax 0.5 mg for the panic attacks. These were PRNs. He wanted to "reset" my body since I've been living in a sea of antidepressants for the past 7 years. I know the dangers of stopping these kind of medications but we weaned and he had me on sedatives as needed. I agreed to do this and wanted to reset myself as well. I was off antidepressants from October '14 to now late Dec'14. It was then that I started "cycling" . For the most part I thought I was doing Okay without medication. I was so proud of myself that I was "normal". I had moved into a new place and work was going really well. I was journaling here and there. Then I started drinking. I'd wake up shamed, guilty and low.. this feeling of low-self worth would last a few days. Then I'd go to work, have good productive busy days then feel really good about myself. I'd clean, cook, go shop, then plan a night out with friends and end up overdrinking and start my whole pattern over again. This happened for 3 months. I had it and broke down to my doctor (this doctor has been my doctor since I was born) and told him EVERYTHING. He told me this didn't sound like depression but more like bipolar disorder; the ups and downs and the drinking. He started talking about lithium and lamigtal and valproic acid and I got so scared. I'm a psych patient. I guess I'm just having a hard time getting over the stigma of it still. Anyways. I started on Epival (divalproex sodium) 250 mg BID yesterday. Im in such an intense low right now.. 25 year old staying at moms sedated on Seroquel and Xanax sleeping on the couch. My friends are celebrating new years eve but im stuck here blogging with water because I'm to weak to deal with the world right now. This really blows. (btw I hate being a "poor me" person but these feelings have to go somewhere)
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