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I guess this is a journal of sorts for me.. I'm horrible at journaling these days. I'm horrible at anything to do with feelings, and I've been told writing them down helps. So here goes (again this is more for my benefit and in no way geared at trying to gain the interest of anyone else out there).
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One day at a time

Posted 01-01-2015 12:34 PM by beth950

Day 3 of Epival..I'm feeling scared. Fear is not the way to ring in the New year. I'm trying to think positive; I have a supportive family, a (somewhat) understanding boss, a great doctor and I'm being treated. But I'm still scared- what if this doesn't work? When can I trust myself again? When can I trust that the things I'm feeling and doing aren't a result of a chemical "high" or "low"? I'm constantly questioning myself now. Am I doing this because of chemicals or is this me? Who the hell am I? I can understand now the scholarly debate between cyclothymia being a bipolar disorder or personality disorder. Chemicals or personality? Where's the line?
My symptoms are nothing earth shattering: nausea, diarrhea, loss of appetite, headache and drowsiness- similar to a lot of other psych meds I've taken. I was able to eat today tho! I got up at noon (it's so hard to pull myself out of sleep), ate a piece of toast and coffee. I haven't had any panic yet today. I heard a pretty song. Had a nice shower. I keep reminding myself; it's the small things, Beth.
Prayers for peace and hope all, XO.
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