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I guess this is a journal of sorts for me.. I'm horrible at journaling these days. I'm horrible at anything to do with feelings, and I've been told writing them down helps. So here goes (again this is more for my benefit and in no way geared at trying to gain the interest of anyone else out there).
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Confused

Posted 01-02-2015 02:05 PM by beth950
Updated 01-15-2015 11:29 PM by Administrator

Day 4 on Epival and I think my body is trying to go into a "high". I'm not feeling the doom and gloom today; I woke up feeling like shopping. Any other day, that would be okay. I would indulge .. but these days I'm all like "oh it's just your chemicals Bethany"! So yes, I am confused. Today I am somewhat happy whereas yesterday I was helpless !? I also had a dream about things I do in my "highs".
I'm going to book an appointment with a therapist I used to see (I stopped seeing her because I kept missing appointments due to being hungover).. Maybe she can provide some insight.
I am irritable, my thoughts are racing, I'm doing laundry, making plans and I wanna see the new Hobbit movie. What part of this is illness and what part is me? (the Hobbit part is all me, I know). I'm wondering if I'm seeing symptoms because I want to see them, I want to fit into a diagnosis and finally find my solution as to what's wrong with me. Or am I finally having insight? Am I trying to fit myself into a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder or does the diagnosis actually fit me? I don't know if I'm making sense but that often happens when I write.
I still have side effects: decreased appetite, but no real nausea or diarrhea; still tired but more energy than yesterday, dizzy and lightheaded.
Dear Lord I really hope this medication helps.
-Confused and still kind of scared,
Bethany
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