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I guess this is a journal of sorts for me.. I'm horrible at journaling these days. I'm horrible at anything to do with feelings, and I've been told writing them down helps. So here goes (again this is more for my benefit and in no way geared at trying to gain the interest of anyone else out there).
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Consistency & Creativity

Posted 01-03-2015 01:50 PM by beth950
Updated 01-16-2015 12:23 AM by Administrator

I told myself I would try and write everyday. That was a new years resolution kind of thing. So here I am.. even though today is one of my less articulate days. You should have heard me trying to pray in the shower.. stumbling over my words and editing my sentences... in a prayer (I was and am a grammar nerd at times). Anyways. feelings...
Today I feel okay. I feel like parts of me are starting to peek through this cloud of angst and fear. It makes me scared (surprise surprise) that my creativity will be smothered again by these meds, as antidepressants did to me. The 3 months that I've been without any kind of meds, I was kind of messed up yes, but I was productive and creative. I miss that in my old self.. In my teen years I would write and paint and draw and photograph and read like crazy because my imagination was so fertile; that all stopped when I started medications. I'm wondering if that was university's fault as well- I was so sick of books by the end of my degree that we actually had a book (although it was textbooks) burning party when I graduated. I read that a lot of people who suffer from bipolar disorder are creative: musicians, writers, artists, etc. I wonder if and what is the connection?
Its times like these I wish I had a psychiatrist buddy's brain to pick.
OH and as for side effects: day 5 epival and no nausea but still no appetite. Im less "high" than yesterday but restless. And still a little irritable..I still kinda wanna shop lol. I had a dream last night about an ex-love. Feeling a little lonely these days...

Comtemplative with my coffee,
-Bethany
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