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Transitional Phase

Posted 01-30-2015 12:56 PM by maxpow99
Updated 02-01-2015 01:21 AM by Administrator

Currently I am experiencing some depression and anxiety in my life. I recently got out of prison for my second high-speed pursuit. I know that my relapse led this arrest. I am an alcoholic and the quintessential skeezy stoner.

My daily use of drugs and alcohol started in my early 20's and hasn't stopped. I also continued my substance use in prison when I could. I never thought anything wrong with it until I realized that when I was without it I was moody and upset. Sometimes lashing out at my girlfriend. Once alcohol became available to me at stores I began drinking heavily. It became a challenge and quest to be the guy who could and would drink whole groups of other males under the table. My alcoholism peaked right before I was arrested in June 2013 at about 40-60 ounces of liquor or more per night. I was 117 pounds when I was arrested. During this peak in substance abuse I also tried meth, heroin, and everything else imaginable to quench my thirst to not feel.

Before my substance abuse started I was a depressed young man. I often thought I was unworthy to live. I felt like an outcast and I was bullied like everyone else is. When I found substances it was like a missing puzzle piece to who I was was finally discovered and I could now escape the boringness of sobriety and live amongst the populace higher than a CIA spyplane. Before substances I would blow up in anger and take my own emotional pain out on others. With my self medication plan the freakouts seem to be less often however much more severe. Now I might black out and severely emotionally attack everyone around me that I care about, then wake up the next morning having no recollection of any of it.

I ruined my relationship with my highschool sweetheart who I was with for 7 years and had my son with. I've crushed all my own dreams. I have created a huge amount of wreckage.

This last relapse and subsequent prison sentence was a major awakening. Mind you I lost my son, my cars, my house, my fiance, and all that I own because I flipped out and tried to drink/drug myself stupid after she and I split. Now I am just picking up the pieces. She now has a 3 year restraining order so I cannot see my son or her for another year and a half.

I feel horrible about all the pain I caused her because of my depression and low self worth. Now that I have a much firmer grasp on who I am and what I want to be I am just waiting until the say I can see them both and make amends. I was a stay at home dad from 0-3 for my son, now I am away from him for 3 full years. She was nice enough to sneak me a Christmas card from him. Good to know I am not forgotten.

I know what I need to do, and I know I have an issue. Now I just have to change those negative things about my personality and one day I will be happily married to someone I am compatible with.

I am currently in a behavior adjustment class and I will have to go back to talk therapy as well. I think it is all helpful for me.

The hardest part is realizing slowly that this whole time I have been the victim in my head when really I was the one doing a lot of the victimizing. My life was no walk in the park and now that I have a somewhat cushy lifestyle people don't understand what is in the past. My childhood like most of the people I meet included severe emotional abuse, some sexual abuse, and abandonment. I have to realize that everyone is having a tough time, not just me.

I have always struggled to be motivated to live the 9-5 corporate life. However I have crippled myself from starting my own path with my felony and my depression. I really just want a fresh start. I really want to make amends.

The good news is new me focuses on how I can bide time until the restraining order is over and I try to get further into my religious studies I started in prison. Being close to God and know He is there with me helps. There is a loving universe that wants me to make all this right and I know I will. Thanks for reading my vent.
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