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42, otherwise known as Life, The Universe and Everything

Posted 07-20-2011 06:00 AM by Phil uk

Well, I have never blogged before about anything.... not sure if this is the place to start, but as this entire forum seems to be filled with nice people, I guess this is a good place to start.

How far back do we go? Where do we begin? how much do we write at a time? Do I treat this as a kind of confessional? I am not sure is the answer to most of these....

The thing I can be more sure of is the question about how much I write at a time.... This is going to be the amount I can write while sitting having a little rest and a cup of coffee

Reading the rules, I am supposed to use this as a diary of current medical conditions, and I guess the two that will be coming into the fore here will be the progress of diagnosis and hopefully treatment of the chest pains. The other will be the progress of quitting nicotine. There may well be some diversions into depression and stress and also some verbalised introspection.

As far as the timescale is concerned, this could go all the way back to junior school where I first realised I was different (undiagnosed aspergers and also some hearing difficulty) which I guess does have some direct relationship to my current depressive characteristics. An example would be when I was in the second year of Junior School, I remember having these headphones on to determine as they told my mother and myself, "If I am deaf or daft"... the diagnosis was "Daft" so I was put on the remedial table at the back of the classroom where I spend most of my school life..... Needless to say, I did not do really well at school!

When I was 16 I ended up managing to get on a college foundation course, came as a bit of a shock , I can tell you. Anyhow, I found difficulty in taking down notes when I could not see the lecturer (i.e. when his back was turned) This led me to see a doctor who sent me to an audiologist who sent me for surgery which led eventually to a couple of hearing aids..... Hmmmm deaf or daft? well I think the school hearing service should diagnose themselves.... deaf to the symptoms and daft for not examining further; gets them coming and going . (Little further info there, after that course, I joined the Navy and followed another course leading me to be an officer, and qualified in electronics as well.... further proof of my daftness)

Unfortunately this whole thing at school was just the kind of thing that some of the others saw as a reason for bullying.... This was the norm until the day I went to the first college. Then I found out what education really was all about! The principal's opening speech is one that I remember to this day "If you want to work, you will have all the help and support you need, if not; {words to the effect of go away quickly, possibly procreating on the way} I had found my home .

Anyhow, as I do, I digress quite a lot, and will try to get back on track, but early life was quite difficult and that has kind of stayed with me throughout life, (including 2 marriages that failed) but having had the diagnosis of aspergers, things are a little more controlled now as I understand that the difference is not bad, just... er..... different

In some of my posts you will notice I have PTSD this is partly due to Ground Zero (I was there as a project manager for 6 months) and also the fact that my work at the time was disaster recovery and restoration. This meant, that every place I went, every site I visited was due to fire or flood. Mainly natural (or accidental) but also man-made such as explosions etc. This did show me some fairly horrific things over nearly 15 years. And had a long term impact although again things are getting better.

Stress is the other side both worrying (currently) about my Son, business, finances, and possible serious illness I will break these down over time....

Anyhow, this coffee is cool enough now, so will slurp it and get back to work....
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Total Comments 3


  1. Old Comment
    Just a quick message at the minute, it is 08:15 local time now, 2 hours and 5 minutes I have my smoking cessation appointment.

    Although I have managed to cut down the cigarettes with the use of my electronic cigarette (which according to the adverts gives all the same effects as smoking without the harmful chemicals) I am not sure of it's safety.

    So Smoking cessation or nicotine cessation? I guess the latter is the better description. Strange, I feel quite nervous, at the same time a really evil, terrible voice in the back of my head is telling me that due to the chest pains, it is too late, so I may as well carry on and enjoy it while I can. How stupid is that? I thought that I was an intelligent person, but obviously I have a portion of brain that must have been damaged by head injuries as a child!

    Anyhow, The current situation is that I (hopefully) get my X-Ray results on Tuesday and I am on some kind of nicotine replacement therapy or some other form of cessation therapy at some point today. I am not sure how best to handle this, do I carry on with my electronic cigarette until tonight and then wake up tomorrow as a new leaf? or do I walk out of the doctors today and box up all my e-cig (vaping) stuff? not sure, this is a question for the professionals I guess.

    I really hope that it is not too late, I want to see my son grow up.... Anyhow, I will post another later once I get out of the doctors.
    Posted 07-21-2011 at 01:21 AM by Phil uk Phil uk is offline
  2. Old Comment

    Following Doc Visit

    When do I start? well, last thing tonight.

    I have patches and low strength lozenges as well. The patch goes on at bed-time tonight, so it starts to work while I am asleep and therefore I will not be craving nicotine while I am waiting for the patch to start.

    This is more a case of nicotine dependency as I am not smoking but6 vaping (using electronic cigarette) either way I am still inhaling cr.. rubbish into my lungs.

    One good thing was that the doc did say that the fact I could hold by breath and breathe out long enough to get a CO (carbon monoxide reading) was positive news for the condition of my lungs. Still waiting for the X-Ray to determine anything further. But hopefully if it is bad, it is caught early enough, but maybe it is just a wake-up call.... Tis a bloody terrible wake-up call, but let us hope that is what it is.... I will say more tomorrow and let you all know how the nicotine thing is going.

    I have to work again, but have also got some stronger pain-killers to hopefully allow me to do this.
    Posted 07-21-2011 at 04:13 AM by Phil uk Phil uk is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Well, I last used my electronic cigarette at 10pm last night. I put my patch on before I went to bed and am currently 'Inhaled' nicotine free.

    This is quite a difficult exercise in terminology as I used primarily an electronic cigarette, so most of the time I was not smoking, just inhaling vaporised nicotine.... Anyhow, currently I have not inhaled smoke/nicotine for 12 hours and 11 minutes.... Although I was asleep for the most part. I am using a combination of patches and also the nicotine lozenges. I have only used 2 lozenges at the minute, one while I was reading in bed last night, and one this morning when I woke up. At the minute I am feeling ok, not particularly craving, although my chest is very sore, but I will not find out much more on that until Tuesday when I have the X-Ray results.

    I have also downloaded a programme (legally free programme) called quit keeper which is a timer that shows how long you have not smoked, how much money you have saved, how many cigarettes you have not smoked and how much life you have saved..... It also shows milestones and gives a goal to work towards.

    As far as the chest pains go, well am still in a reasonable amount of pain, and am both dreading Tuesday with all my heart, but also looking forward to it. Two sides of the same coin; if it is not bad news, then hopefully treatment can begin and also there will be hope for the future. At the same time, I am looking to update my will. Updating my will is something that I should have done already, regardless of the outcome on Tuesday, but even so, it is another step in accepting my own mortality.

    Anyhow, once again, work is calling..... Just another postscript before I go.... I have to go to the audiologist and have my hearing aids tweaked.

    When I first got fitted with them and they turned them on for the first time (at the levels determined by my hearing test) it was so loud I could hear my trousers rustling, so I had them turned down significantly. I am now slowly building up to the level they should have been. I am using NHS aids at the minute which are not as discreet as I would like, and so I will (once money allows) be looking for some better 'hidden' hearing aids at some point. I will also include this in my blog when I get to that point and let you all know what happens with that as well...

    Anyhow, thank you for reading up to now. I hope this is not boring, but one thing.... it is quite strange. I find it very difficult even with people I know to talk (mild aspie here) but here I am almost pouring my heart out to people I do not know and this is quite odd.... Maybe this blog is almost a form of therapy? ha, it may even make me more socially aware and understanding.... this is something else to explore as the blog moves forward.
    Posted 07-22-2011 at 03:25 AM by Phil uk Phil uk is offline

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