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Hello All, Apologies for my absence

Posted 08-08-2011 09:26 AM by Phil uk

Hi There, I do apologise for my absence, but I have been away on a business trip from hell....

It was a case of whatever could go wrong did.. Not good. Anyhow, the stats for the smoking/e-cig cessation are still good, I have been as good as I can be and did not lift either a cigarette or an e-cig to my lips during the entire week from hell, therefore my stats are as follows:-

17 Days, 18 hours and 12 minutes since I last inhaled any nicotine.

Well, as you will have seen from some of my earlier posts, I have been given the all-clear on the suspected lung cancer which is unbelievable news . I have a future for the first time in a year, maybe a bit more. I had got as far as planning my funeral before I was driven to the doctor for some pain relief.... The big problem I have had for a while has been depression and it is hard to imagine being given the all clear leading to more depression; but I could not tell my parents, my sister or my son.... I have isolated myself through emotional abuse during my last marriage and also through the need to not have contacts that can lead to pain following the last marriage.

This means that as I really have no friends, no one I could talk to without worrying them to death, I have found out just how isolated I have become. This has lead to a degree of depression. So I need to work my way through this. A friendship I thought was developing seems to have turned the other way.... I can only imagine that I have made some inappropriate comment, or something I have said has been taken differently as to how I thought it would sound.... either way, it looks like that has now been blown out of the water.... And again this is not something I can talk about to family.... My mum is very kind and nice and thinks the best about everyone, to the point that even after seeing the letters from my local health centre regarding the aspie syndrome, she still does not want to think of me as having a 'mental' problem.... so can't talk to her about it, and once again, I am looking at a stressful time that I have to deal with on my own. I am still having problems with my business partner and also some other work related issues, coupled with crippling poverty and so depression is still a big part of daily life as is isolation.

I really wish I could just feel a bit better inside my head.

I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and hope to start working out why I feel so physically ill, but I think it is also time to discuss with the doctor a little more about stress and depression..... Now I know I have a future longer than I thought (I was expecting to be dead by Christmas), I don't want to spend it feeling so depressed.....

I will let you know what the doc says tomorrow.

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