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  • Burns slowly exposed to the public

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    Old 04-04-2018, 12:13 PM   #1
    anoneemouse
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    Burns slowly exposed to the public

    Hello, I'm new here. Feeling a bit stressed.....I've had a burn on my forehead since I had an accident as a baby - pulled down an unsecured fireguard on myself. Great start to life! This was a very long time ago now.

    Good thick hair all my life was my cover. My hair is gradually thinning out, leaving me with very little coverage. Today I had a hair cut with a woman who loved talking. I told her not to cut away what was left of my thin fringe, but she did....!!

    I have to go to work, exposing my scar. It's like being told that I have to walk in there stark naked. It's more than a scar to me - it's a 'secret' - a 'dirty secret' that I don't want anyone to know about.

    I've had several years of treatment with a lovely, warm-hearted and caring consultant. She has treated me with micro-needling, fillers and ReCell. I've also been using Minoxidil on my scalp + hair laser treatment. There's been some positive results in my treatments but it feels like I'm King Cnut trying to hold back the tide.

    I really despise my scar, mourn about how different life might have been if the accident never happened. I might have had some self-esteem, some confidence, a proper career even!

    Ten years ago, I lost the hearing in one ear. I am a keen musician, so that kind of wrecked that too - my sole source of self esteem.

    Feeling a bit negative and hope to have some chats with people who understand/empathise. Maybe you have some ideas I've never thought of....anyway, thanks for reading this..

     
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    Old 04-04-2018, 04:53 PM   #2
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    Re: Burns slowly exposed to the public

    Dear anoneemouse,

    I'm sorry why you are here, but glad that you are.
    It took me some time but I did learn that anyone that can't see past a scar is indeed too shallow to be in a relationship with a real person...because if we live that long we all become old, wrinkled and rather dorky looking. so forget about those people, who as we know do exist. Don't give them a fleeting thought. Just be your best self and develop your own skills and personality. This subject reminds me of some very dorky looking people that became beloved and famous movie stars and no one cared how they looked. Whether we make something good of our lives is never-ever based on looks.

    However, people use products all the time to hide blemishes. You could call men's salons and ask if they do male make up and tell them you have a scar you would like to learn how to hide or diminish.

    I found a message I had written to someone who was suffering shame over looks. I fully understand your reluctance to allow people to see your scar. As a young girl of 17 one of my legs was seriously and permanently disfigured, and before that I had been called Legs for my drop dead gorgeous legs, so it was a real shock to my ego. Here is my story, page 5, I think.

    https://www.healthboards.com/boards/relationship-health/1010810-well-i-shaved-my-head-balding-pretty-sure-i-am-not-ever-getting-married-5.html#post5390744

    That shared, there are all sorts of 'fillers' and water proof coverings for indented scars, that can match your skin color. Do some internet searches for scar camouflage or similar words. Your hair will grow out, but even so, as you mentioned, it is thinning. Use some scar disguise substances until your hair grows out. Many people use some subtle make-up to lessen what we consider to be the looks of our defects.

    I have have gotten to be OK with people knowing my truth. If they ask about it I tell them the truth I was hit by a truck and am just glad that least I still have my leg and can walk. They agree and empathize and walk on. How others take this is mostly based on our own acceptance of ourselves.

    People often will ask "what happened to you!".
    Just say the truth that you were injured as a boy. Leave it at that and they will, too. Unless they are idiots, and yeah, some people are. Forgive them.
    We are all idiots about something.
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    Last edited by yayagirl; 04-04-2018 at 04:56 PM.

     
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    anoneemouse (04-05-2018)
    Old 04-05-2018, 04:54 AM   #3
    anoneemouse
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    Re: Burns slowly exposed to the public

    Thank you so much for replying. I read the entire discussion that you quoted. I empathised with him a lot. I remember my mother telling me that 'one day I'll meet someone really special and the scar won't matter' - it made me think, 'I must be really repulsive if I have to wait for someone 'really special''. My dad told me that my scar is 'all right once you get used to it'...He wasn't the master of reassurance!

    I was horrified by what the mirror told me yesterday. I also took photos of it and was doubly horrified. I want my hair back!

    It's that feeling of SHAME that is so strange. It wasn't/isn't my fault but it still feels like a dirty secret. When people see it, it's like they are seeing me as a baby, as a child. All pretence of adulthood and adult strength evaporates for me. My consultant instantly picked up on my discomfort just through her looking at it. She could read my mind or the very subtle giveaway cues I was giving off.

    I have had dermabrasion, fillers and make-up/camouflage. Nothing has quite made me feel relaxed about it, but my treatment is still on-going and what I've had done is a lot better than what I started with. My consultant is incredibly generous towards me as I'm getting free treatment, probably when I shouldn't be.

    What is this sense of shame? I'd be interested if anyone wants to talk about this...

     
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    Old 04-05-2018, 08:38 AM   #4
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    Re: Burns slowly exposed to the public

    You're welcome, anoneemouse.

    Hon, the shame is in your own mind. You can change your way of thinking, People do it all of the time. It's a choice only you can make. I guarantee you no one in this world that can make you feel relaxed about your scar. No matter how many people reply or what we say, you still have to do the work of accepting your own self. As you know, what others tell you doesn't change your mind. No one can do change your mind for you.

    This scar is your badge, your life experience. You are not the scar, but you do need to accept yourself with it. If someday there is a procedure that can help, or substance that can help it fade, great. Meanwhile you have life to live. This subject reminds me of Richard Thomas who as a young man had a very large & dark mole on his cheek and yet became a famous (and was a very good looking) actor. By his more recent pictures the mole began fading. Your scar may begin fading and becoming more unnoticeable if you stop dwelling on or trying to fix it.

    You can mourn it, embrace it and wear your scar proudly, or waste energy being upset about it, and keep trying to deny it. All that does is make one self-centered, which is not ever attractive. Self-hate will keep an attractive look off your face and disfigure your looks worse than any scar. If anyone refuses to accept you like you are they would not accept you without the scar, either.

    I believe this situation happened because it is time for you to face your own reality and embrace it. So, all the scar means is that you have a true gauge of the character of people you meet. If you expect rejection that is all you will be able to see. If you reject yourself as you are, you also will reject and judge others on their appearance. That is a shallow point of view...yes, indeed, I used to have that point of view. Well, I discovered that people with 'defects' are some of the most generous and accepting people there are.

    Someday seeing your scar is going to help someone else accept who they are; maybe a young child, maybe your own child. Try to get your mind going into a realistic point of view. The fringe over your forehead likely was like the emperor that had no clothes. You felt like the scar was not noticeable because you trained your eye upon the thin hair, but probably everyone saw right through it and it didn't change their view of you that you have a scar.

    How do you think movie stars look so gorgeous? They learn how to use makeup. You can get actor make up, and you can keep on trying.

    No matter how many stories I or someone else tells you, this is yours to figure out how to live with. It will take some time to get over the shock of being uncovered, but really, what helps most is to count what you still have. A skin defect can be covered but what of those who lose an ear or have a cleft lip or blotched skin pigment. Or are looked down on just for the color of their skin? Let your imperfection make you a better, more accepting man.

    Please stop staring at your scar and start dwelling on the blessings, because after you do that is when you can live with yourself as you are.
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    Last edited by yayagirl; 04-05-2018 at 08:47 AM.

     
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