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How do I offer support? :(


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Old 12-23-2006, 11:43 PM   #1
conley
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Unhappy How do I offer support? :(

My husband needs my support. Two years ago my husband's dad died of colon cancer. It was especially hard for my husband because his father and him had not spoken for years until we found out his dad was sick. He felt so guilty that so much time was wasted with his dad. He respected that man more than anyone and he was so proud of his dad. Then they spoke every week while his dad was still able. Turns out that while on his death-bed, my husband tried to get to the hospital in time but the flight got us there 12 hours late...........we didn't make it in time. He wasn't there when his dad passed. He still has a VERY hard time when he thinks of his dad.

Tonight we were watching a movie and there was a part that reminded him that he had forgotten to give back his dad's necklace. His dad had given him a necklace when he was sent overseas to keep him safe. It was the same necklace his dad had worn all through Vietnam. He was suppose to give it back when he returned safely. He forgot to give it back. The movie reminded him of that. Now he is thinking that the necklace....a religous symbol would have saved his dad and kept him safe if only he had remembered to give it back. He was a mess tonight. He was crying so hard! How do I support him when he is so hurt? What do I do? I know he needs me but I am lost for what to do or say. Does anyone know? Are there any suggestions? It made me cry just to see him so distraught.

 
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Old 12-24-2006, 10:10 AM   #2
Nassau one
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Re: How do I offer support? :(

How difficult to you. It sounds like there is alot of guilt going on with your husband and guilt is a very difficult thing to deal with. He feels guilty that so many years were wasted while he did not speak to his father (I have seen that happen in my own family..... father and aunt and father and myself at one point...my father would not speak to me for years when I married a man of a different race..... and have always been determined it will not happen with my immediate family). Your husband also feels guilty that he did not arrive in time to see his father pass and now he feels he is some way responsible for his father's death....that he did not return the necklace which would have saved his father's life.

It may be that he just has to work through this, but your support and acceptance of his feelings will help him.

As an outsider, I am seeing the positive in all this. Thank goodness they did start communicating again before his father's death. He did try to get there in time...the effort was made and, if we believe in spirits and souls living on after death, then we can be sure his father knows this. As to the necklace, it is very likely his father would not have accepted it back but would have wanted his son to keep it for his own safety and protection.

I am sure his father would hate to see your husband is such distress and would want him to heal from his guilt and grief. If it continues, would he see a therapist, do you think? Is this anywhere near the anniversary date of his father's death? That might be intensifying his grief.

I wish you both a blessed and peaceful Christmas and a New Year of healing and good health.

Love and prayers,

 
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