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Just Frustrated and Confused

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Old 12-02-2006, 03:51 PM   #16
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Janmarie2 HB User
Re: Just Frustrated and Confused


I can not believe what the family is putting you through and am so sorry you have to deal with all of that nonsense.

It is a shame they are not spending the time with him as it should be spent saying goodbyes making amends. I feel for you and your children not getting this precious time with him as in my experience it was a necessary time or I might never find closure. The sad part is like all time once it is gone we can never get it back again.

I want to come out there and drag those people out of your house so you have the quiet peacful time with him that you need. I am glad I do not have vultures in my family as it made mom's passing so simple.

I am feeling sort of blue today and reading your post made me shift that sadness toward you as you seem to be way to nice of a person to have to deal with all of this. I hope the doctor you know well can talk some sense into the family. I will be sending lots of prayers your way. Be strong. JanMarie

Last edited by Janmarie2; 12-02-2006 at 03:52 PM.

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Old 12-02-2006, 09:32 PM   #17
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domlill HB User
Re: Just Frustrated and Confused

Kim, Linda, Renea,

I just want to thank you all for sharing your lives and stories with us. My mom was diagnosed stage IV NSCLC two months ago and it seems as though the "games have begun". As she goes for her chemo/rad. treatments during the week I worry about her driving and going back and forth to work. She is 48 and is now so feeble. She's tired all the time and complains hurting and being nauseaus (spelling). I am concerned now about her mentally, as her husband (whom has not been living in their home for several weeks now) has taken their bad marriage into a more miserable state. She is frustrated at him and trying to figure how she is going to sell their home and move while caring for my two teenage brothers (from a previous marriage). Their marriage was doomed from the beginning and now the end is here and the timing stinks!!!! I don't know how to really help (except to love her and offer an ear ). I am so angry at the situation. We had a very bad ice storm and half a million people in my city are without power. My mother and brothers are staying with my partner and our children and it breaks my heart every time I go beind her to the bathroom and another chunk of her hair is stuffed in the trash can. We took her out to Pier 1 to shop for ornaments for her tree and she got tired so we came back to the house. I guess I am just looking for something more that I can do for her. My spouse cries at the thought of caring for her when she is too weak and is talking with me about our plans --should we go ahead and buy a house big enough for my brothers (1 is graduating this year and the other is a sophamore) I said we have 3 plus those 2, we'll have to because our place now is too small....... it is getting so real for me now!!! All of the research that I have done tells me that I may only have her for a year or so. I am at a lost for words.......

Old 12-03-2006, 06:50 AM   #18
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rockie HB User
Re: Just Frustrated and Confused

Renea, I have shared with Kim before a term that I use for people like your MIL. "Ole heffer. I even offered to Kim that she should send hers to me here in Indiana, and while en route, I'll finish moving and she won't be able to find me and lose a couple of days lost and confused in a new town. That would allow her and Stan a little peace and privacy until MIL decides she has had enough of Midwest hospitality. I am very hospitable, until people invade my home and life. Then, the very protective part of me comes out and wow, I am half Italian and half German. One very stubborn hot tempered little mama. Never mind the rudeness and total lack of compassion even for her own son. But to go into someone's home and just show what a nutty, imbalanced person she is along with other family members that appear to be genetically predisposed to the same type of behaviour......GRRRRRRRR!!!
I bet you just want to grab your poor little hubby and go into hiding under the witness protection program!! To force him to eat is paramount to torturing him. Like they explained to us, when the cancer gets that advanced, the digestive system is one of the first things affected. Not just the loss of appetite, but the inability of the body to even accept and digest solid foods and then even liquids. No wonder his stomach and side hurt. And sadly, her trantrums create such an atmosphere of hostility and anxiety that he is unable to rest or find calm in the midst of an already difficult battle. The fact that they deprive him of the pallative care that he so desperately needs at this time....double GGRRRRRRR.....I just don't know what I would do in your position. I would be very prone to cleaning out the house and send them all packing. I have done that at my own house, it fhey cannot respect him and his needs at hand, OUT!!! That chilled them out considerably, and when the came back on another day, their demeanor was considerably subdued.
Sadly, the part that hurts the most when I read this, is that down the road, after his long battle is over, these same people will realize (if they can ever get to that point) that they deprived themselves of making lasting memories of time spent with him that was not fraought with tension, bickering, and denial. If they truly knew the extent of his condition (which I am sooo praying the cardiac surgeon relative can accomplish) they would hopefully realize that the suggestions they make only add to his misery, and not to his recovery. Being that I come from the "old world" I can understand first-hand how the emotions come into play. That despite the deeply religious atmosphere of most of the old country (especially Eastern Europe), it is also steeped in very superstitious beliefs. I have seen with my own eyes women tearing at their hair, and clothing or trying to find a way to dispel the 'malocchio" (or the "evil eye") that brought the curse onto the family.
Maybe they think this is what has happened to your hubby.

God love you Renea. Hang in there my friend and punch a pillow. As Tricia (one of the girls here that lost her Jeff to LC a while back) would do, get yourself a couple of dozen eggs and go outside and find a tree and let go!!!

Hugs and prayers,

P.S. Conan I just LOVED the lion story. Thanks for the chuckle which I needed today. I'm almost at the 1 month anniversary of Bud's passing, and my days are pretty blue. Praying for you and Patsy.

Old 12-03-2006, 08:49 PM   #19
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Kimslos HB UserKimslos HB UserKimslos HB UserKimslos HB User
Re: Just Frustrated and Confused

Hi All,
Oh Renea, you have been in my thoughts all day. I hope today was a "good" day for your husband. I also hoped you got a one way ticket for your MIL. (just joking...well, not completely) Did the doctor friend arrive? Just know you are in my prayers hoping that you MIL will back off and start accepting what is going on with her son. I know it is heartbreaking, but geez, she needs to quit thinking about herself and what about how her son really feels and what about you, his wife?! I know this sounds almost insane coming out of my mouth, but my problems with my MIL are quite simple. (OMG, did I really say that?!) She did visit today and Stan was very tired and in pain. They were only to stop by for a few minutes which turned out to be 1 1/2 hours. She asks Stan how he is doing and so the dear lying son he is said fine! He knows that if she hears he is not doing well she will fall apart emotionally and collapse in his arms. Several hours later my MIL called and wanted to know what the boys wanted for Christmas and so I was honest and told her that Stan is not doing well and she told me that he told her he was fine so we went in circles. Enough of her....
I think you are a better person than myself because I just could not tolerate what you are enduring!
Thanks for the humor! That was just what I needed! I even told it to Stan and my mom and they loved it. I will be the dreaded MIL one day too, but as I have mentioned before I promised my boys I will behave! I hope Patsy is doing okay and not too weak over the weekend with all the kids home. We took it easy this weekend and did not do much considering Stan could not go anywhere. He spent the last 2 days home and tomorrow is chemo. I already packed my stuff to go spend 4 hours down the street in Newport Beach at Starbucks on PCH...beautiful down there and I get a nice seat by the window. The treatment center is always so crowded and I can take a walk with our beautiful So. Calif weather. I feel terrible for the people having the terrible weather the last several days! I think we might have gotten up to almost 80 today! Oh, thanks for the idea on the IPOD...what a lovely idea you came up with for your wife and even the video clips! Awesome job on that one and know if I was given that I would be very touched by my husband. You put a lot of love into your gift! Thanks for sharing!
Ok, need to call it a night and hope everyone is doing okay. I see JanMarie posted a couple postings. I am thinking of you JanMarie and thank you for all the tough times you have helped me deal with and sharing your mom with me. (a lady I would have loved to have met)

Old 01-05-2007, 09:25 PM   #20
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sandrs HB User
Re: Just Frustrated and Confused

This may sound extreme, you might discuss it with your husbands doctor, I'm not sure of the laws in your state, but, what about petitioning the court for temp. guardianship of your husband, it seems apparent he is not making rational and informed decisions and his health is at risk, yes, it's extreme, but then so is your situation..

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