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Cancer: Lung Message Board

Advantageous Denial

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Old 02-18-2007, 10:13 AM   #1
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Europe
Posts: 59
Cee10 HB User
Advantageous Denial

My first thought on being informed of my situation was 'oh no, now what shall I do'. I was stunned feeling disconnected from myself I floated home and for the next few days it felt like I was walking on clouds. I walked in the park and remember the very young friend I was with running through the park, loving the wind that was blowing that day, her arms were out and her hair streaming behind her, I felt the wind, and felt sad that soon I would no longer be able to do so, then I thought hey I will be in the wind. This almost romantic state went on for a few weeks, I imagined myself as the elements, the trees, as the sky and stars.

Then I told other more practical friends, and discussions turned to funerals, what to do in the last days and so on, it was a real bummer - but had to be done, I made arrangements for my pets and possessions.
Cancer was doing it's dirty work, it was starting to bring me down, it was starting to own me, I began to feel pain, became breathless, which progressively got worse over the next few months reaching a point at christmas where I almost died, fortunately I did not. Slowly my 'health' has started to return, I have less pain, cna breath, feel hungry and sleep less and as far as I am concerned that's a major improvement.

Then a few days ago I awoke one morning and decided that I will not allow this cancer to destroy me. My practical friends call and want to talk cancer and death, I just say I don't want to talk about it, I think this offends them, but I am more than cancer and always will be. Cancer is something I have, not who I am. Anyway since deciding not to let cancer destroy me, my pain has gone completely (Hopefully this will continue to be the case.) Now my challenge is to wean myself off the pain killers which I am slowly succeeding at doing.

I continue to pray, meditate, and do my yoga, next I must rebuild my muscles which have atrophied over the past few years of fatigue.
Perhaps I am in some sort of denial, but it feels better than thinking that I will be dead soon. I don't have a fear of being dead and I know that like every other person alive I will one day be dead. It's just that the cancer was starting to take over, not only my body but also my mind which seemed to escalate the physical symptoms - the cancer was owning me.

A person I know - at christmas, he was in hospital, had his lung drained, lost nearly half his body weight was diagnosed with end stage cancer, CT showed cancer, he went for a biopsy the oncologist have now told him he does not have cancer but an infection. When my friend thought he had cancer he did not eat he was scared and defeated, as soon as he learnt that there was no cancer his appetite returned, and he is now growing stronger.

The only way to get through this is to remain in control, if the cancer gains psychological control it starts to run the whole show and things just get worse in my opinion. I am not saying ignore it, do what has to be done medically, just don't allow cancer to take over..

God bless you all


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Old 02-19-2007, 09:44 AM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 160
eblguim HB User
Re: Advantageous Denial

Good for you.
Being aware that we will die is necessary, but I think it is better "to live while we are dieing" than to "be dieing while still alive"
Geting imersed/caught in the death machine is very disempowering.
I hope you will continue to feel well, and as I tell my husband - I want him to die healthy! BTW he was "unofficially" diagnosed with metastatic cancer to both lungs last fall. Since he decided not to do any conventional treatments he did not think he should go see any doctors, so he did not follow through with any more tests. I give him Jin Shin Jyutsu sessions about 4 times per week now (it was every day when he felt very sick) and he is back to normal. He is not afraid of dieing, and he does not focus his life on it.

Old 02-19-2007, 05:27 PM   #3
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 85
Isobella HB User
Re: Advantageous Denial

Cee, I really applaud your approach to your illness and I hope if I ever get cancer or some other serious illness that I will be able to do as you are doing. Someone very dear to me was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago and told it was incurable and there was really nothing they could do for him other than control the pain. So he decided to live the rest of his life as normally as possible rather than live as a victim of this illness. He was able to return to work part-time and also did lots of work around his house, as well as continuing to participate in his favourite sport (bowling, so not too strenuous) and see his friends regularly. His pain was well controlled and he was able to be out and about until just a few weeks before his death. No one meeting him during that time would have guessed his prognosis - he just went on with his life, cheerful as ever.

I know some people said he was in denial, but I know this was not true. He accepted that he would die but as he rightly said to me we are all going to die and nobody knows when it will come. Two acquaintances of his who had been in perfect health when he was first diagnosed became ill and both died before him. He was right, of course, none of us has the least idea when our time here will end. I hope you stay as well as possible for as long as possible and I hope your friends and acquaintances allow you to handle this in your own way. You are in control and that's the way it should be.

Old 03-02-2007, 06:20 AM   #4
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Europe
Posts: 59
Cee10 HB User
Re: Advantageous Denial

Dear eblguim and Isobella

Thanks for your kind words and sharing your journeys it means so much to one who is walking this path in an unconventional way.
I had hoped my pain was going away but I cant shift it completely so am going the the Dr next week to try for some proper pain management (hopefully). Other than the pain cramping my style somewhat I feel fine but can't- do this -
On days when I am confined to my bed by the pain, I feel blessed as I woke up to another day of life and can enjoy reading a good book.

Thanks again God bless you both,

Old 03-02-2007, 08:46 PM   #5
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Irvine, CA
Posts: 614
Kimslos HB UserKimslos HB UserKimslos HB UserKimslos HB User
Re: Advantageous Denial

Hi Cee,
Oh, I feel terrible I did not see your original post until now...sorry. I admire your attitude and the way you see cancer and you are so right! I cannot imagine what it is like to have cancer and be in your position or my husband's or others on the posting board yet somehow you and others give so much of yoursefl on this posting board...very impressive!
I am sorry to hear you are also having problems with pain. Please let me know how they plan on managing your pain. If you can ease your pain, then you can enjoy life and do things, but can understand not doing much when in pain as I see Stan suffering.
I hope you are feeling better soon and can continue smiling and being your beautiful self!
I pray you can be pain free,

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