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Old 06-03-2002, 07:20 AM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: England
Posts: 3
SupaKat HB User
Post help

My dad passed away recently after an 8 month battle with brain cancer. He contracted an infection and because of the radiotherapy and chemo his immune system was too weak to fight it off. Despite the severity of his condition, during the illness i never imagined him dying, and we only had a two day 'warning' of wen he wud pass on. Luckily he got to spend this time at home with family instead of in a hospital, although we had constant nurse care and he couldnt move or talk.

My problem is im finding it really hard to deal with. I cant seem to remember any good things from wen he was alive, just seeing him so ill and unable to help himself. He was a really stong man when he was alive and everybody loved him, at the funeral the place was packed and I didnt no most of the people there. I just keep seeing him pale and weak. Im also having nightmares of it and everytime cancer is mentioned or even fathers day at the minute i end up in tears. I catn control myself and I feel theneed to talk to somebody. But my mam is ill with MS and isnt dealing well with it either, and my friends arent used to thigns like this n everytime its mentioned they sayd they dont no wat to say, so its dropped.

I need help in getting over it. Please.

Luv Kat xxx
Luv Kat xxx

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Old 06-03-2002, 05:54 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: MA
Posts: 3,582
SamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB UserSamQKitty HB User

Hi Kat,
You mentioned that your Dad was at home and that you had nursing help. Was this through a hospice? If so, most hospices have grief support groups, and you can join one at any doesn't have to be immediately after the death of your loved one.

I lost my mother to cancer almost 9 years ago and I, too, had a terrible time afterwards with not being able to remember the good times, and only being able to see her in my mind as she was when dying. Finally, I pulled out a bunch of old family photos, put them in frames, and scattered them throughout my house. Seeing her face when she was smiling and happy helped tremendously.

And, grief takes time, lots of time, to get through. They say there are several stages, such as denial, anger, sorrow and acceptance, but you can swing back and forth from one to the other for a don't necessarily get through them in a straight linear progression. And, when you lose someone really close, like a parent, expect it to take a year or more to get to point of acceptance.

If you find yourself still feeling major depression after about six months, then it may be time to get help for that (medication), but only if you still feel so overwhelmed by grief that you can't function. Most people find that after several months, they start having more good days than bad days.

I hope this is of some help to you. I think it's especially important to find a grief support group if you can't talk to your friends and family.

And, above all, I'm sorry for your loss.

Old 06-05-2002, 12:22 PM   #3
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 801
Jaytor HB User

Hi SupaKat:

Your loss and pain come through very clearly, and you sound as though you're still in shock. If this has been going on for more than a month, perhaps you might discuss posttraumatic shock disorder [PTSD] with a grief counsellor, therapist or physician.

Aside from counselling and meds, there's another therapy that has been used with some success for PTSD called eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). What happens is that a certain eye movement has been found to somehow interfere with the link between a recalled/remembered traumatic event and its emotional content. Perhaps if you can get past these very painful memories, you'll once again be able to recall happier memories of your father.

Here's a link on PTSD, the information may be helpful to you.

Take care,

Old 06-05-2002, 02:51 PM   #4
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,432
rhody HB Userrhody HB Userrhody HB User


I can relate to you. I lost my Mom to cancer when she was only 47 years old many years ago. I cried like a baby for hours. Sometimes negative things can turn out to be positive, if one makes the effort. My Mom's death was so tragic at an early age, so since that time I've been spending years learning about cancer.

What I have discovered about cancer is that it is highly preventable. Unfortunately, this is not discussed very much here, or anywhere, or even commonly in medical circles (at least not as much as I'd like to see discussed). Early treatment seems to be the emphasis, rather than trying to find ways to not get it in the first place.

So, with such a bad experience, you can make your Dad proud, by learning about key things that we can do to not get cancer. These are things like; 1) not smoking, 2) not drinking alcoholic beverages to excess, 3) healthy diet, and 4) moderate exercise etc. What is a healthy diet for cancer prevention is interesting. Just check the internet by typing in the search words "cancer prevention". You'll find a lot more information too.

In some places in the world, from what I have read, cancer is considered an oddity. They have other major health problems, but cancer is not one of them. Cancer seems to be high among the industrialized nations.

Cancer prevention is not completely understood and there are no guarantees. Sometimes, people can get cancer without any explanation, like children who appear to live good lives. But what is clear, is that healthy people will not get cancer as much. Your odds are better, in other words. Reduction in cancer, could be at least 50 percent in some countries, according to some estimates. Smoking contributes to a very high number of cancer deaths.

I'm so sorry to hear the bad news about your Dad. Cancer is such a horrible disease. Not only can it take life away, but some of the treatment methods can be very long and painful.

Watching what they did to my Mom, treating her, put the fear into me. She was in agony for a little over a year. She lived with stomach digestive aids to help her, when she was undergoing chemotherapy. She lost her hair most of the time. She slowly got weaker and thinner. She got so thin at one point, that I prayed to God to take her. The very next day she died. Her lungs filled up with fluid (as I was told), and she never recovered. When we went to the funeral, the line of cars was so long, for miles and miles, that you could not see the end of those cars, along a long stretch of the road. She was very much liked and loved. She left her husband and seven children.

I hope that by writing this about prevention, that I help you all look at this more closely. Please all do your research, and find out more about this topic that is not often brought up or talked about. We can *reduce* the chances of getting cancer for some people. This can certainly help, until they can find a cure.

I hope you didn't mind me bringing this up. Maybe this can help bring some healing for you, as it does for me. I mention this to as many people as I can, to get the message out. I'm so sorry to hear about anyone that has to live or die with this cancer or has to watch a loved-one suffer with it also.

Old 06-05-2002, 09:58 PM   #5
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: sterling heights, michigan
Posts: 1
sholbob HB User

First of all, I would like to say i"m sorry about your dad. I'm sure he was a good man and that makes it even harder, but believe me when i say time heals all wounds. That's not to say that you won't miss your dad after a while but it will get a little easier as time goes on. My wife had squamous cell carcinoma cancer in her sinus cavity and it was headed toward her brain. She went through the radiation and chemo andlost all her hair(she had long hair originally)it is now growing back. It is almost to her shoulders. Now i cannot relate to the dying part buy I can relate to the feeling helpless part. There was a constant nagging feeling that there was something I as the one on the outside looking in should be able to do. I was never comfortable with just support so I learned several things about cancer that I thought could help. One small thing to me was the doctor was giving my wife a very thick fluid to relieve the mouth sores and it wasn't really doing any good at all. So I figured there had to be something she could take. Found out about gentian violet. It is like a purple dye that you paint in the mouth and it helps get rid of the thrush. Now I tell you this not because you can bring your dad back but because you may not know it but you have a lot of knowledge on what it's like to see someone go through cancer and the greatest therapy I think there is , is to help someone else and I think you will see that it will make you feel better also. good luck

[This message has been edited by sholbob (edited 06-06-2002).]

Old 06-06-2002, 07:52 PM   #6
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: st john's
Posts: 87
jerriel HB User

sorry to hear about your dad but dear these things al ltake time and its real soon after dads passing so everyone has to have time to grieve and ther is no time limit on that, when you lose someone so dear as a parent it is always a shock I cared for my mom at home for 10 months and she died there with me and that was 8 years ago and still I miss her as if it was yesterday you will remember all of the good things and the good times too, with your mom not well does not help you either at this time but this is a very good place for you to be , there are lots of good people here for you to talk to so stay in touch and God Bless you.

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