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Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient


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Old 03-08-2006, 02:14 PM   #1
Brucey12
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Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

This is my first time at Healthboards. I was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when I was 24!!!! I have recently reached the 5 year point of being all clear

I had no symptoms at all. I was in the Army and within 2 weeks I was unable to complete the fitness tests. I was sent to the military doctors several times. The military doctors put it down to me being lazy and not wanting to do the physical side of military life. I was labelled as the biff who faked a stitch on any type of run!!!!!
6 months later I was seen by a civilian doctor with the same symptoms and he sent me off for a ultrasound. They told me I had a cycst in my pancreas and they would do scan every 6 months or so to keep an eye on it.

Well, a year went on and my symptoms where still the same. I moved location and registered at a new doctors who refered me to a consultant at Frimley Park Hospital. Within 3 weeks I had a CT scan, blood tests upon blood tests and then they stuck a tube down the throat to try and get more info from my pancreas (i can't remember the name of this procedure).
They got no new information. My bloods where fines.

I was told the implications if it was a tumour and was asked to make a choice if I wanted the Whipple procedure or to risk it and hope it was a cycst!!!!! I was given a week to make a decision.

I opted for the procedure and all went well. I still have a working spleen and I am not a diabetic. I still think about it everyday. The possibilty that I might have it now and not know till it is to late!

It was the thoughts that I had at the time, that I want to share. I had thoughts that I thought where unforgivable, but I now I know that they are perfectly normal. I felt guilty for many months after my illness about my thoughts that I had.
I wished this illness on others that I met in the street. Never my loved ones, but Joe ****s. "Why can't someone else have it and not me. Pancreatic cancer is for older people, not a 24 year old who hasn't had a chance to experience marriage or child birth. I am not a bad person."
But on the otherhand "thank god it is me and not my niece or nephew, any other loved one or a young child. It least I have had 24 eventful and wonderful years. There are little children who are dying and are going to be taken away from their mothers and I am worried at dying at the age of 24! How selfish am I"

I hope the thoughts I had don't offend anyone. I hope they give an insight to what some cancer patients maybe think and feel, and to those of you that have had or have cancer, that these thoughts are normal and are ok to have.

Well, I now have experienced childbirth and I am experiencing marriage. I would not change a thing about my life. If I had to do it all again, I would go through my illness all over again. It has changed me in many ways.
We are moving to New Zealand at the end of the year. Once we are there I am hoping to be able to help cancer suffers and their famlies in someway, to share my experiences and help them through there thoughts and feelings. I should have done this a long time ago, but never really know how to go about it.

Anyway, thats my story and I am very lucky to be here. I hope someone finds this thread usefull.

Brucey

Last edited by Brucey12; 03-08-2006 at 02:16 PM.

 
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Old 03-08-2006, 08:45 PM   #2
joanner
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

Brucy,

A big congratulations on surviving a diagnosis of Pancreatic Cancer! What type of cancer was it?

My dad passed away last March from PC, Adenocarcinoma, to be exact. It had spread to his liver so he wasn't a candidate for the Whipple. He was 68 and handled his prognosis with such grace and dignity. We were able to have him around for 7 months after his diagnosis. It was a rough time for him, but he never complained of his fate. I just really miss him!

I just wanted to say congrats...you are blessed!

Joanne

 
Old 03-12-2006, 04:43 PM   #3
hillaryb
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

Hi there. I had a rare form of cancer when I was 15. I am now nearly 15 years cancer-free! I went through the same thing, and am now married with kids as well. I think there is an adjustment period of worrying and negativity,but each year it gets better.It sounds strange, but I am glad I had my illness. It really has been a defining moment in my life, and I feel very strong. I felt selfish too, for a while. People would tell me I was brave or strong and I felt depressed and guilty for not being happy to be alive. Anyway, I do fear for my kids sometimes, and I still feel a little bit like a "ticking time bomb" but I like how things have turned out

 
Old 05-25-2006, 10:58 AM   #4
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

I have pancreatic cancer and I cannot have surgery because it has spread to my lungs. not in huge amount, in the lungs but it looks like a couple of white grains of sand! I am 59 this year and married for 37 years to a wonderful man but it was our anniversary yesterday and it was awful. I think because they practically told me 6months I knew that it may be our last and i was a ***** from the time i got up in the morning. I think it was maybe because if we hadnt got married, we wouldnt have had to celebrate our last one, his fault of course!So mrs illogical moved in and stayed all day. we tried to force it but couldnt and ended up barely speaking at the end of the day. I felt awful and ashamed about the cold way I had dealt with the day but I just wanted it to go away.We are normally happy and this is totally out of character for me to feel this nasty.Today is a totally different day and we are back to normal. Cancer affects the body and mind in a lot of ways. I think we as a family are just getting on with it most of the time and are happy. I feel good and no pain yet and feel as if I will live forever. so provided you have a solemate that can tolerate you and forgive your turning the fight against the cancer into a fight against them sometimes then it is a lot easier to bear. So talk about every negative and positive feeling that you have otherwise your partner will not have a clue what is going on and it is almost as hard for them, sometimes harder.xx

 
Old 05-27-2006, 01:46 PM   #5
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

Thanks to you all for sharing the truth. Bad news and scary news causes anger. It also causes people to have unrealistic expectations of themselves so that they can feel back in control. I am very grateful that you were willing to share.

 
Old 05-31-2006, 10:41 AM   #6
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

My husband and I were notified that he had a lesion on his pancreas (tail and body) on May 31, 2005 (our anniversary). FNA biopsies were done: Stage IV, metastacized, inoperable. We were blindsided: My husband didn't fit the profile--he was an exercise nut, swam in college, never smoked, not overweight (at all), and we ate a healthy diet. We did everything possible. 4 different protocols of chemotherapy over 5 months. His quality of life kept declining with each chemo. Chris died on January 6, 2006 at the age of 58, 7 months from initial diagnosis. If we had known how the chemo drugs were going to affect his quality of life and that the outcome was inevitable, I don't think my husband would have gone the chemo route. We would have concentrated on making what time he had left the best we could. The chemo drugs were: Gemcitabine with Tarceva, then Gemcitabine-Xeloda (pill form of 5FU)-Taxatere, then Taxatere-Avastin, then Cisplatin-Irinotecan-Mytomycin C, then just Cisplatin-Irinotecan. The only protocol that showed anything with hope was the G-X-T. Slight tumor shrinkage and stabilization of disease, but the side effects were such that it was decided to try something different. Tarceva did absolutely nothing, in fact the tumor grew. Unbelievable that it has recently been approved for P.C. After the last protocol of Cisplatin-Irinotecan, Chris was "done". No more chemo. He just wanted the pain to go away. We had an intrathecal pain pump implanted plus oral narcotics and then I.V. narcotics. Chris finally went pain-free a week before he died here at home. Today is our 12th anniversary. I am absolutely devastated that he is gone. Chemotherapy has horrific side effects-don't let anyone spin it otherwise. I hope this helped, even though it is brutally frank.

 
Old 06-17-2006, 02:23 AM   #7
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

I'm sorry to hear that you had such a bad time with the chemo.

My wife has just finished 6 cycles of ECF (Epirubicin, Cisplatin, 5'FU) for stomach cancer and, while it was not nice, the nausia was controlled well and she got through without any major problems. The hair will grow back, her taste will return to normal. Now were off to have a good time before the dammed thing comes back.

Life's too short fur us to have down days. Every morning, the first thing I do is tell her I love her, I make sure that there are always flowers in the house in case she forgets for 1 second.

 
Old 06-22-2006, 07:14 AM   #8
pants1
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Talking Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

you are obviously a very compassionate man and what a joy it must be for you wife to have you there god bless you

Last edited by moderator2; 06-22-2006 at 07:47 AM. Reason: If you are clearly responding to the last poster, quoting the post is not needed.

 
Old 06-22-2006, 07:43 AM   #9
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

Thanks Pants1. I try to do whatever I can, tempered with the frustration that all I can really do is try to keep things as normal as possible for as long as possible. I often say "we" instead of "she" when I talk about the cancer and treatment, as I truely fell that we are in this thing together.

Just looking back at the title of the thread, I certainly have a few deep dark thoughts as the partner of a cancer sufferer, but it's my job to keep those tucked well away under a brave face at all times.

 
Old 07-16-2006, 11:00 PM   #10
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

I wanted to bring this thread back to the surface. I'm not a cancer patient (yet?), but I am so touched by what you have to say.
Blessings to each of you....
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Old 07-25-2006, 05:28 PM   #11
Kenai
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Re: Deepest Darkest thoughts when I was a cancer patient

Its good to hear that I am not the only one that has felt the same way as you do. I am only 22. I have had the whipple procedure as well.

Im not quite as lucky as you do to the fact that I still have it.

I had the surgery at 18 a month after my birthday. I still get the feeling, why me. It seriously drives me crazy sometimes. I don't tell people because I dont want them thinking Im a hazard to work with. I work out on an oil rig in Alaska and I try to out work everybody just so I feel that in my head I am the same as everybody else.

But hope everything stays clean for you. Good luck.

 
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