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    Old 10-14-2006, 03:20 PM   #1
    LovingGrlfriend's Avatar
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    Unhappy Boyfriend w/cancer is pushing me away

    After finally finding the love of my life, my boyfriend found out he was battling cancer again for the 2nd time in his life. He gave me the choice to stay or leave. I choose to stay, of course.

    Now that radiation and chemo has taken a toll on his body, he has been pushing me away. He keeps telling me he loves me and that he is sorry he can't finish what he started. He said if I were the one sick he couldn't watch me die. For the last 3 weeks he has lied to me about his whereabouts saying he was in the hospital when he was really back and forth from home to various treatments.

    He did come see me yesterday, but I have a distinct feeling it is the last time I will see him. He thinks it would be better for me to be ticked at him and hate him than to be hurt by him dying. I feel it's worse.

    Is this typical behavior? I know he loves me and I love him. Why won't he accept me in? This is really tearing me up.

    Thank you.

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    Old 10-14-2006, 07:20 PM   #2
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    Re: Boyfriend w/cancer is pushing me away

    Hi. My heart is so heavy right now as I read your post. When my mom was dying, she pushed her own daughter away. That daughter was me. We were so close, best friends actually. My husband would go up to visit her in the hospital and come down and tell me that I should go up. My mom was in a good mood and awake. i would run up to her room(we took turns as I had an infant) and she would pretend she was asleep. The last few weeks of her life, she would never look me in the face. It was too hard for her. She wanted me to face facts and realize that she was never coming home. I think it was all about how much she really loved me. it was too painful for her to say goodbye. Maybe your boyfriend is doing the same thing. I am sure that it is way too painful for him to think that he will not be with you for much longer. I am sorry if I am not making any sense. I just think it is the way an ill person deals with their own grief. Many hugs to you

    Old 10-14-2006, 10:01 PM   #3
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    Re: Boyfriend w/cancer is pushing me away

    I am so sorry you are going through this, but being a cancer survivor and someone who has spent alot of time in the hospital I can understand what he is going through. I hope this will make sense to you. But when you are sick, especially deathly sick the last thing I wanted was to feel like I had to make you feel better. People who love and care about you come to visit, and you might be feeling really bad at that time. But suddenly you feel as if you have to talk, you have to discuss whats going on with your health. For me thats the last thing I want to do when I am sick.
    I had to go to the Diagnostic/ER center where I worked for lab work every few days when I was sick with cancer. I had a liver resection and was yellow. I barely had the energy to walk in to get the labs drawn. Yet all my co-workers wanted to know how I was.. individually of course. Now, I loved these people who did sooooo much for me when I was sick. But, honestly I did not feel like telling it over and over again.
    I hope that makes sense to you...
    My only suggestion would be.. just do for him.. see what he needs and take care of it.. don't ask him how he is.. just be there when HE needs you.. at this time HIS needs come first..

    *hugs* keep your chin up and just keep loving him


    Old 10-15-2006, 12:20 PM   #4
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    Re: Boyfriend w/cancer is pushing me away

    Haley & Nancy, Thank you for writing. When my boyfriend came to see me at work I thanked him. He said he didn't do it for me, he did it for him - that he needed to see me. I know he is upset that his daughter doesn't want to see him because she doesn't want to remember him as being sick instead of being "Super Dad".

    I feel like if he truly loves me the way he keeps saying he does he would want me to be there every step of the way. He said he wishes I could hold his hand through every treatment. When I asked why he doesn't let me, he said he doesn't want me to see him go through it.

    I get scared & angry when I don't hear from him for days. Sometimes I think it's on purpose to get me to tell him off. When I found out he was lying about being in another state for treatment I was ready to tell him off, but my love for him is too strong to do that.

    I'm sure he is having a hard time and trying to spare his loved ones from seeing him so weak.

    I guess if I understand correctly it's up to him to decide when he wants to talk to me and I should just be there for him when he does call. That's of course, if he does call.

    Old 10-15-2006, 03:23 PM   #5
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    Re: Boyfriend w/cancer is pushing me away

    My god, this has brought back some sad old memories for me.

    When I was 19, I met my first love. He was a lovely lovely guy, a real charming gent, so kind, infact perfect, so perfect I remember saying to my dad, 'he is too good for this world'.

    Whilst we were dating, his behaviour became more and more odd, he stopped talking to me, became quite and distant, when I looked at him, wondering what was wrong, he used to put his arms around me and say nothing. I was so confused.

    I remember once he didn't turn up for a date, I was angry. A couple of days later I recieved a record sent to me in the post 'hello' by lionel richie. I didn't see him for some time after that. As he always seemed to be ill in bed with one complaint after another. He always said it was a cold or something like that.

    One particular night we were dancing at a disco, a slow track came on, someone asked me to dance, and he stood back. I looked at him in confusion, I didn't want to dance with this other guy! Then he said to me, 'relationships don't normally last that long for me' I said is that because your quite, he said 'yes that, and other reasons' he then said 'you are young, and I don't want to mess up your life' at the time none of it made sense, I wanted him in my life.

    A few months later, after us fizzling out, I noticed an artical in the paper saying that he had died of cancer, a long battle that he had fought admirably. It all made sense. I was totally shocked.

    Sorry for rambling on, I just wanted to say that your boyfriend is trying to protect you as my ex was, he doesn't want you to see him suffer, and he is doing a selfless thing by thinking of you, he doesn't want you to suffer and feel sadness.

    But I totally understand how you feel, I just wish I had been given a choice, I wish my first love, had told me, and let me make my own choice. But the sad thing is, he probably would of hoped that I never found out that he was actually dying and had died.

    So maybe explaining my storey will explain some of how your boyfriend is feeling, and why he is trying to make you move on. He is being selfless, and totally thinking of you before himself.

    I wish I had had that chance, to help someone whom I loved, and feel sad that he didn't tell me.

    Stay with him, tell him you are not going anywhere, you sound lovely and caring. and he is lucky to have you.

    Remember the drugs he is on will probably be affecting his thoughts as well, so don't take anything he does or says to heart.

    Please be strong, and come here for the support you deserve, when you feel.

    Take care

    Old 10-21-2006, 03:26 PM   #6
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    Re: Boyfriend w/cancer is pushing me away

    Thank you for sharing your story, Brook65. My heart goes out to you as well.

    The lies he gave me really broke the trust with me and we hadn't been the same since. We had a nasty breakup this morning. This is what he wants -- for me to hate him and move on.

    I was given the choice, but he still wouldn't accept me in. One day he is proposing and the next telling me he doesn't want me to watch him die. Instead of mourning him should he not make it and remembering him as a man who loved me, I'm left with hating him for the rest of my life.

    It's too bad he couldn't realize how lucky he was to have someone with a heart like mine.

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