It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Caregivers Message Board

  • I can't have a life

  • Post New Thread   Reply Reply
    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Old 08-25-2019, 06:04 PM   #1
    liz8100
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Mar 2017
    Posts: 17
    liz8100 HB User
    I can't have a life

    Ok I'm 38, single, have no job and barely a social life. I put off so much due to personal issues. Now I want to do everything like have more friends, date and figure out where my career should be going.

    Currently, I do volunteer but that's pretty much it and I am in the middle of trying to have a life, trying to do things for myself but my mother expects so much of me to take care of my dad. I still live with parents (lame, I know) and I so badly want to move out but it's not as easy because of disability and I feel like my parents are controlling me! When I'm trying to have a life of my own, my mother expects me to babysit my dad because everyone else goes to work. So I can't have a life.

    Even if I could on some days, my mother is always telling me to stay home with my dad on a certain day because she has to go out of town. I call BS on that because last week when I had a dental appt, she went out of town because my 18 year old niece was supposed to show up to help out. My niece used to help out til she decided to get a job babysitting even though we were paying her. My niece told us that she was sick then feeling better so my mom thought it was fine to go out of town for work then she decided not to go help my dad while I go for my dentist's appt and my mom was already out of town. It was obvious she faked an illness before she quit so she can babysit (she claimed bronchitis for one day then went to class) and not deal with my dad. Since my mother said she would've stayed at home if she had known my niece was sick, I'd say my mom didn't have to go out of town for work. She goes out of town for work by choice. But now she's telling me she has to go out of town again this week and tells me to stay home because now my niece quit wanting to help out. I am the only person in my family who's not allowed to have a life because everyone else is working! Excuse me, I work as a volunteer and while I'm not getting paid, I did agree to take some shifts and had to cancel because my mom thought my work as a volunteer wasn't important and she could just control me!

    My dad refused to let us hire a nurse or someone come in and help out. While I'm fine with staying home at least once a week, that's not the problem. The problem is my mother is telling me when to stay home and babysit my dad who is sick with cancer! I don't think my dad should be the one making the decisions whether we hire a nurse. When my grandmother had to go to a nursing home, my dad didn't let her make that decision. He made her go! I think my mom needs to make my dad get a nurse or hire a nurse anyway even if he doesn't want one around. My dad is unreasonable and it is not a smart, competent decision to refuse outside help, meaning my mom gets to go out of town for work whenever she wants and my niece can leave and go babysit kids whenever she wants while I'm stuck this in prison!

    When am I going to have a life? When am I going to get my life back? I refuse to let my dad's cancer control me and I'm stuck at home with my parents because of disability and I feel like my parents are taking advantage because of my disability that they think they can do whatever they want, control me any way they want! I think my dad should get a hired nurse, whether he wants it or not. If someone can force my grandmother to live in a nursing home then we can force him to get a nurse but my mom isn't going to force him. All she cares about is what he wants, not what's best for everyone. She doesn't care about what I want. I've been taking care of my dad half the time so my mom can work for 6 months. I've given up a lot to take care of him for 6 freaking months! I've taken care of him and done things for him because my mom is always late coming home, too busy working or shopping. Today, I had to make his lunch because my mom spent over an hour at the grocery store. Keeping track of time was never her thing at all.

    My dad is my mom's husband, not mine! Why do I have to be the one to take responsibility of him whenever she wants to go to work or the store? I get we need money and she brings a lot of it home but she doesn't even get paid for overtime and since her husband is sick, shouldn't her husband come first? She's been overworking herself for over a quarter of a century, she deserves to take a break and focus on my dad but all she cares about is work, shopping and playing with her grandkids! She acts like he's not sick sometimes. I'm the only person facing reality and having some priorities and giving up to take care of someone because his wife wants to work or go out of town instead!

    This is not the life I chose. I didn't choose to be born into this. My mom should be the one taking care of him full-time and changing her priorities. She chose him, not me.

    I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't know how much longer I have to do this. It's caused me nothing but stress but my mom doesn't care. She acts like she cares. She listens when I complain which has been many times but she never does anything about it. She doesn't care about my needs or what I want. Sure, I care about what my dad wants or needs but it feels like what my dad needs or wants is more important than me. I'm so sick and tired of people complaining about abuse towards patients. What about caregivers? Caregivers are people, too! Talking to my family about this is completely pointless. I've done it multiple times but it never does any good. I'm at the point where I just want to run away and get away from it all. I'm way past done with this. There are times I wish my dad was dead so I didn't have to do this anymore. I know that's awful but that's how I feel.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Sponsors Lightbulb
       
    Old 08-26-2019, 08:00 AM   #2
    Tree Frog
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Tree Frog's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2000
    Location: USA
    Posts: 873
    Tree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB User
    Re: I can't have a life

    Hi liz8100,

    I know what it's like to be physically dependent. I was in that position for years after a serious accident.

    If you are not working for pay and supporting yourself, no, your volunteering should not interfere with family needs. Volunteer work is kind to do when you have spare time, but it is not supporting yourself. Right now, you are just another dependent on your mother.

    Get a paying job, save up and move out to support yourself or at least share the cost of your upkeep, then you will have a credible reason to make all of the decisions on how you spend your time and when to help out by staying with dad.

    Supporting your own self and dealing with your issues should be your first priority, not volunteering. What you have been doing is not 'having your own life'. The answer to your angst is get a paying job, go to work, and move out. When you take care of your own support that is having your own life.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 08-26-2019, 09:03 AM   #3
    liz8100
    Junior Member
    (female)
     
    Join Date: Mar 2017
    Posts: 17
    liz8100 HB User
    Re: I can't have a life

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tree Frog View Post
    Hi liz8100,
    The answer to your angst is get a paying job, go to work, and move out. When you take care of your own support that is having your own life.
    I think I already said that moving out is not that easy because of my disability. Accessible housing in my area really sucks and you'd have to be on a waiting list. What I need is to move out NOW (I have enough money to move out in an apartment for now if I was to get a job and keep working). And those waiting lists last like 5 or 6 years. I'm trying to figure out a solution for as soon as possible, rather than later on.


    As for a job, that's difficult because of a physical disability so it's not easy to find the right job for me. I hardly see many people with a physical disability have a job but that's probably just me. Honestly, I've only had one job in my life for a while so with the lack of work experience, I think that's another reason why many won't want to hire me.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 08-26-2019, 09:41 AM   #4
    rosequartz
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    rosequartz's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Jul 2005
    Location: Chicago,IL
    Posts: 11,258
    rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
    Re: I can't have a life

    can you elaborate on your physical disability so maybe we can offer suggestions to work around it?

     
    Reply With Quote
    Old 08-26-2019, 09:59 AM   #5
    Tree Frog
    Senior Veteran
    (female)
     
    Tree Frog's Avatar
     
    Join Date: Oct 2000
    Location: USA
    Posts: 873
    Tree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB UserTree Frog HB User
    Re: I can't have a life

    Hi liz8100,

    Then get on the waiting list! Or relocate to a different area.
    Hon, life is not 'easy' for anyone I know. There is virtually nothing easy about my own life. Esp. not since I became "disabled".

    I am permanently physically disabled, and I completely understand the problems with handicaps. But, clearly you can sit and type. That is a good start. You can volunteer or create a niche and get paid for it. I created my own job by asking around until I found someone that wants what I can do and I work from home. I did not start at a high pay, but I kept at it till my job compensation increased enough to support me. There are all kinds of living arrangements one can participate in, too and be independent, even with severe disabilities. Some people that are paralyzed from the neck down still are creative and accomplish a lot.

    I am 'handicapped', but I am not 'dependent'. Physically and mentally able people can handicap their own minds. Handicapped is a mindset. My first attempt at becoming self-supporting was that I was helped to purchase a sewing machine and so I did mending for people and lived in low income housing for a period of time. Go to Social Services and see what aids to get self-supporting are out there. You may qualify for further education as well.

    First, you have to have the mindset of taking responsibility to help yourself. You may be amazed at what support and help is out there. If you can volunteer your time, there is something you can do for pay.

    The words that stop us are "I can't".
    We are the ones that control what we tell ourselves.

     
    Reply With Quote
    Reply Reply




    Thread Tools Search this Thread
    Search this Thread:

    Advanced Search

    Posting Rules
    You may not post new threads
    You may not post replies
    You may not post attachments
    You may not edit your posts

    BB code is On
    Smilies are On
    [IMG] code is Off
    HTML code is Off
    Trackbacks are Off
    Pingbacks are Off
    Refbacks are Off




    Sign Up Today!

    Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

    I want my free account

    All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:46 AM.





    2019 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
    Do not copy or redistribute in any form!