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    Old 08-08-2006, 02:48 AM   #1
    Silvia_V
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    My mother hates me

    I can't find the "You're not alone" bit, but desperately need help.

    Of three children I have always been the one my mother actively disliked, she made no secret of that. Paradoxically I have also been the one that helped her and stuck by her through thick and thin. Ten years ago I took out an extra mortagage so that she could by part of the house next door to me so I could be there for her and am considered her primary carer although she has relatively few health problems.

    She is over 80 now and my brother and sister have started trying to make up for lost time, calling her daily, inviting her for fortnightly meals, that sort of thing.

    That is great, except that as a result she has become extremely venomous to me and about me and I am finding it very hard to cope. They encourage her venom and "comfort" her .

    Having observed her behaviour before and during a visit from my brother it struck me that my mother is capitalising on the situation, the more she complains the more comfort and attention she gets from the other two.

    However, I find it so hard to cope. Secretly I had hoped that as she grew older she would come to appreciate me and the fact that the reverse has happened is destroying me.

    I know that this is probably not an unusual situation. How on earth do others cope?

    Silvia

     
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    Old 08-08-2006, 04:46 AM   #2
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    Re: My mother hates me

    my heart goes out to you. all my life my mother talked about how everyone knows your first born is the most special and you always do more for them. i am not the first born. as my children reached 10-12 years old they would tell me they didn't want to see her because she hurt their feelings all the time. all she ever talked about were my sister's kids. it was just me and my sister. i knew how they felt because she had done the same thing to me all my life. i called one day and told her how we felt. well i was hung up on. my daughter passed away 9 years ago at 21 years old. never heard from my mother after the funeral unless i called her. thank God my sister and I had a good relationship inspite of our mother. five years after my daughter passed my sister committed suicide. knowing what hell it was to bury a child i was by my mother's side until this past november. At that point i could no longer take her abuse and nastiness towards me and my children. From other family members i have heard her comments that me and my children have never done anything for her. well i'm here to tell you we were the only ones who have. as people spent more and more time with her they saw how mean she is. i have sent her letters telling her how hurt I am at her dislike of me. they go unanswered. my sister's children have abused, neglected and taken advantage of her since they were children. they are all she cares about, not since my sister died but all their lives. i could never write what my children adn I have done for her because it's too extensive but i will tell you I have closed the door. i will take know more abuse or be hurt anymore. the last thing i told her was that i couln't make her love or even like me but i could stop her from hurting me anymore which i have done. i know the outcome of my situation is not what youwant to hear but i wanted you to know you are not alone in haveing a mother who has favorites and forgets her own child.

     
    Old 08-08-2006, 10:15 AM   #3
    Silvia_V
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    Re: My mother hates me

    Quote:
    the last thing i told her was that i couln't make her love or even like me but i could stop her from hurting me anymore
    That sounds very wise! Your response was a comfort, I could identify so well with almost everything you said, but just can't undersatnd her lack of support after your bereavement. Such a dreadful loss would awaken compassion for your worst enemy! I know that if I had ever had children they would have been treated as yours were and I would have found that so painful on their behalf!

    She always she adored my younger brother, was fond of my sister and disliked me, even at the age of 8. The other two have become close to each other recently and ostracised me. Now she adores her son in law, her daughter in law, her grandchildren (only my sister provided those), her step grandchildren and all their partners and all their friends. But she always dislikes my friends on sight and says they are using me.

    I am trying to turn it into a sit-com in my mind, because on one level this is such a ridiculous situation for a middle aged woman to be weeping over!

    Silvia

    Last edited by Silvia_V; 08-08-2006 at 10:55 AM.

     
    Old 08-09-2006, 05:18 AM   #4
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    Re: My mother hates me

    silvia------you are so right. it is like a sit-com. me and my daughters used to do that alot because we just couldn't get beyond the hurt or understand my she didn't like such nice, kind, giving people. my mother even told me one day that she was so glad my nephew ran into my ex-husband in a bar becasue he's such a nice guy and would be a good influence. i was bringing her to my house for thanksgiving and had to pull over. my ex was an abusive alcoholic that was mean as could be at times to me and our children. that's why i divorced him. she laughed and said she had no recollection of him being like that even though she hated him the 22 years we were married. go figure!!! i could not imagine after my daughter passed her absence. what a mother. but then again she loves everyone but me. and i have excepted that. i feel for you because i do know how you feel. it is sooooooooo hurtful for any parent to make their child feel like left out and second best.

     
    Old 08-10-2006, 12:45 AM   #5
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    Re: My mother hates me

    Silvia: It seems like so often that the child who cares and does the most is taken for granted. It almost seems like the parent feels rejected by the other children and seeks out to get their attention, while taking the one who really cares for granted. A lot of it seems like it's about attention seeking on their part. My husband and I have consistently been around to help my parents for years. Until recently, my brother has been kind of absent. With him and my sister-in-law around a lot more, and all of us getting to talk, I now see that my parents have pitted us against each other at times just to get attention. The intent (probably subconsious) behind this is if you have the siblings fighting, they won't notice what you're doing! LOL! I am living with my parents helping them because my dad needs 24/7 care. I have taken the brunt of it. Given that, he makes a comment that my brother is good at everything (and never has anything nice to say about me). It's almost laughable because my brother is kind of single minded. He's a genius at his job, but for anything else he's very confused and disorganized. He constantly forgets and screws things up, but it's just how he is. For my dad to say he's good at everything is just plain insulting when I am doing just about everything for my dad, and telling my brother exactly what to do all the time. You've been so generous and kind with your mother, she doesn't have to seek your attention or approval, she already has it. She's trying to impress the other two to get their attention. I really think that a lot of it is about attention and what makes her feel good. She obviously can't see reality, so try not to take it personally. Like my parents, she's probably never going to show you the appreciation you deserve. I've given up, I just help them cause it is what I want to do. Their behavior is their own responsibility. I do what makes me feel good, in spite of them! Good luck to you, hope you can find some peace of mind in all this!

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 02:49 AM   #6
    Silvia_V
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    Happy Birthday to Me

    My birthday today, I woke up with a migraine. My mother lives next door in a house partly owned by me , I went there as I do every morning to check on her, explained I had a terrible migraine and got the usual monosyllabic reply, then she told me to take away the presents that my nephew and niece had given her to bring home from a visit.

    I am afraid I started to cry and said "Please don't do this to me today", then left As I got to my door (we have houses next door to each other) my partner saw my tears and her at the door and bawled "What have you done to her this time!", so she rushed out calling him a horrible little man and saying that he was behind everything, then rushed back indoors saying she would be phoning my brother and my sister about what I had done. And then she said that I had said I hoped that she died painfully and slowly of cancer!

    Next thing my sister is on the phone hollering that my mother had been assaulted and that she had called the police.

    So, happy birthday to me!

    Silvia

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 06:36 AM   #7
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    Re: My mother hates me

    oh silvia----i am so sorry this is happening to you. all i can say is you are not alone. my mother hasn't remembered my birthday in so many years i can't even remember but to have your family turn against you is horrendous. have youtalked to your brother and sister about mom's behaviour towards you? what was the outcome of them calling the police? maybe it's time someone else took over her care. it would be hard for you at first but i have been much calmer since i don't have this hurtful, mean woman at me all the time now. my thoughts are with you HAPPY BIRTHDAY

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 09:15 AM   #8
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    Re: My mother hates me

    Hi ICC,

    Thanks for your support!

    I have tried to talk to them, my sister said she didn't want to hear anything I had to say and my brother looked uncomfortable and said he didn't like talking about her behind her back, but confirmed that she had been telling the family that I had said I hoped she died slowly from cancer. I think that they have been rewarding her with sympathy so that he accusations have become increasingly exaggerated, so I am alone in this.

    I have suggested that she move to either live near or with one of them, but the most they are prepared to do is have her for a few days. Usually a car turns up and she disappears leaving her cat behind for me to look after.

    The police have not turned up. In a way I wish they had, maybe they could have got a social worker for her.


    Silvia

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 12:04 PM   #9
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    Re: My mother hates me

    silvia---that's not a bad idea. maybe you could look into a social worker before you get blamed for some sort of abuse. don't you love the way no one wants to take her but they all have something to say. it amazes me as this goes on in so many families. keep in touch.

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 12:26 PM   #10
    Silvia_V
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    Re: My mother hates me

    Quote:
    don't you love the way no one wants to take her but they all have something to say
    So true.

    My father had Alzheimers, I looked after him until he became a "happy wanderer" and walked without stopping for 13 hours before the police found him soiled and bent over with exhaustion. I then became responsible for organising his care and visiting him daily for three years and then 3 times a week until he died. My brother refused to visit him ever, my sister said that she "trusted me to make all the right choices" and visited twice a year.


    The home phoned my office to tell me that my father was dying and I sat with him for 13 hours. My brother made a single 10 minutes visit, my sister said that as he was in a coma she would come up when he was dead to comfort my mother (my parents had been divorced for 25 years!). I held his hand until he died and, on the advice of the home, , called the funeral directors that they recommended. The next day the funeral directors contacted me, they had had a telephone call from my brother-in-law saying that I had no right to make any funeral arrangements, that my sister wanted him buried where they lived on the other side of the country and transported there by a different firm. The funeral director said he had never, ever had such an experience.

    I just let them get on with it and didn't go to the funeral. Holding his hand as he died had been my goodbye and my closure, but I followed it up with a requiem mass so that the people that had cared for him for the last years of his life could say good bye.

    Talk about a disfunctional family!

    But thank God for the internet and forums like these! I don't know what I would have done without this refuge and words of kindness and understanding.

    I hope that when I have pulled myself together I will be able to help others as I have been helped.

    Silvia

    Last edited by Silvia_V; 08-13-2006 at 12:27 PM.

     
    Old 08-13-2006, 03:27 PM   #11
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    Re: My mother hates me

    oh silvia!!!! you have had it al in the "disfunctional family" so this has been going on for years? i felt the same way when my Dad passes. we were very close all my life. we had a good life together and i didn't feel i had to watch him die. we parted lovingly. since things have been like this for many years i don't see it changing. you need to do what is best for you and that in the end will be the best for everyone since you're not a hurtful person. if you can handle leaving things as they are then that's what i would do. sounds like you just have alot of mean people around. doesn't mean you have to be like that. keep coming here for support and vent, vent, vent whenever you have to. i'll keep checking up on you. have a good night!!!

     
    Old 08-20-2006, 08:28 AM   #12
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    Re: My mother hates me

    ICC, I really appreciate your support!

    I have spoken to my doctor who recommended that I call a social worker in so that I could avoid being accused of abandonment if I stepped away from the situation.

    I told my mother (gently and on tape!) that the allegations she and my sister had made were serious, they would need to be investigated, they could not just be ignored and that I had contacted social services. Since then there has been a flurry of sorting and packing which suggests that the current plan is that I come home one day and find that my mother has moved away permanently leaving no forwarding address. That is the way my family operates!

    Silvia

     
    Old 08-20-2006, 08:58 AM   #13
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    Re: My mother hates me

    silvia i can imagine what you're going through but you have done the right thing. it comes to a point no matter how much you love your family and want thing to be right that you have to put yourself first. they are reacting because you did something to protect yourself from their abuse. try not to make things happen or not happen. just let the chips fall where they do. as the gambler says "you have to know when to fold". it will be very difficult not knowing what is going on. i still think of my mother and hope she is alright but there is nothing i can do about the situation. i WILL NOT let her hurt me anymore. even with the thoughts of her being ok i am still more peaceful without the nastiness in my life. there is another post on these boards but i'm not sure where. it is titled "my mother is toxic". read it you might gain something from some of the others.

     
    Old 08-21-2006, 10:16 AM   #14
    Silvia_V
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    Re: My mother hates me

    Hi ICC,

    I like that gambler's quote, it applies so well in my case.

    I keep getting drawn in to thinking that I should have been more patient, let her run me down if that got her the attention that she needed, been more easy going, but it was going beyond that...it wasn't just me that was in danger of their false allegations and I couldn't expose people that really care about me to that. I saw my brother-in-law go through a similar experience some years ago which led to him losing all contact with his daughter.

    It is difficult to accept that your own mother feels such antagonism and dislike. Ironically I was the one that always looked after her, but even that used to be turned against me. She once accused me of being to blame for the fact that mty sister never gave her birthday presents...my nice presents inhibited my sister from giving anything!

    I should have got out a long time ago, but she didn't have anyone then, so I couldn't.

    I did a search for the word "toxic" but didn't get a strike, I will try browsing through the forums.

    Thanks again for your support, it means a lot to me. Friends in the "real world" can listen, but they all have (or have had) mothers that cared so they can't understand and talking with them makes me feel even more alone.

    Silvia

     
    Old 08-21-2006, 02:39 PM   #15
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    Re: My mother hates me

    it's a tough one silvia. as you know most people have wonderful relationships with their mothers and some think we are horrible in not even liking ours. no one understands unless they;ve been there. my heart was broken all my life becasue as a child i knew she didn't want to be around me and much preferred to be with my sister, niece, aunt,friend or even the dog instead of me. the post is in the Post Traumatic Stress board and actually has been activated again in the past few days. try again i'm sure you'll find it and alot of the same if not worse stories. you are not alone. i will say one of my prayers before bed tonight for peace for you. that's all the matters.

     
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