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I need some advice

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Old 08-03-2007, 05:30 AM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Plymouth
Posts: 1
sparklyjen88 HB User
I need some advice

I dont even know where to start, my name is jen and im engaged to this wonderful guy, im 18 and hes 26! A couple of months ago he started being sick, so we went to the doctors practically every week for 6 weeks and after various antibiotics didnt work, he was sent to our local hospital for some tests, he had a CT scan and then a MRI scan and the showed a brain tumour, whcih he had removed the following week! The doctors tested the tumour once it was removed and then we got the results back proving it was cancerous and due to the difficult place where the tumour was, it wasnt all removed and he has to have chemo! and since then everythings fallen apart, and althoug i would never leave him we barely talk anymore, he nevers tells me whats on his mind or how hes feeling, i know he doesnt talk to his family about it! i dont know what to say to him anymore and i dont want to seem selfish but i need people to talk to! i dont know how to act around him anymore! can someone please give some advice? x

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Old 08-04-2007, 10:30 AM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: slc, utah
Posts: 502
liz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB User
Re: I need some advice

Wow, Jen--you're pretty young and got hit with a great big BAD, didn't you?
First, I am very sorry for what you are going through. Secondly, I am sure your fiance is wondering what he's facing and has withdrawn into himself to think and that's a place he'll never let you (or anyone else) into. You are going to learn patience the hard way.
You aren't married yet, and no doubt he is wondering if you're going to stick around. He's young and he's worried that he's going to die. He's wondering if the chemo will even work. He worries that the tumor will come back. He's worried the chemo will render him sterile. He's worried about the financial end of the whole deal. He's worried about his carreer plans--so essentially, every single thing in his life that he took for granted 2 months ago has changed and he does not know how to handle it--and being a guy--doesn't know how to ask for help.
There has to be psychological counseling available at the hospital where he is. His parents and you can ask for it for him. He could also be seriously depressed--heck, wouldn't you be?
What can you do? BE there for him--be upbeat, positive, loving and supportive. He has some awful days ahead of him. You go into that hospital every day looking like a million bucks. You leave notes on the wipe board telling him you love him & you are looking forward to being his wife. You never leave his room at night, angry, no matter WHAT he has said to you. You talk about the future not in "IF" terms but in "when" terms.
If you are religious, pray with him each day. Lean on your friends for support and take good care of yourself. Don't make a big fuss of the wedding.....let him heal and let this time be about his getting well.
HE will, no doubt, offer you an "out".....and you will have to decide how much you love him---because this is serious business. The tumor may come back--there's no guarantees. How strong are you? How much do you love him?

I say all this from experience, Jen. My son had 2 brain surgeries, one at age 21, a second at age 23. Not cancer, but still, problems that will plague him forever. His fiance fled into the wind. His wife now is an MD herself and an amazing woman. He still has, at times, debilitating headaches. I know it affects his life & makes him hard to live with.....constant pain can do that.

I'll be thinking about you--do a lot of talking to the docs about the prognosis and those in the know and see if you have it in you to stand by him. There are NO GUARANTEES IN THIS WORLD THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE WONDERFUL ALL THE TIME......Loving most people is a full time job.
I wish you all the best.

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